(no subject)
Trying to crawl out of this fucking hole. Im trying to get by day to day. Im trying to find a place to live, Im trying to find someone to watch Mabel while I'm couch crashing. Every fucking day is worse. Virginia was a godsend in the way that I saw how truly abusive and horrible my situation is but at the same time it made it worse because every second Im here is hell. I've been back for under a week and each day has become progressively worse. Everything revolves around Alex and his anger. I have no where to go and Im terrified.
But right now its easier to be a little angry after talking to my sister who suggested I try and get an apartment with my mother. So I could go from one emotionally abusive person with a narcotic addition to another emotionally abusive person with an alcohol problem. Nothing bad happened the last time I lived with her, not at all. Fucking bitch. Also suggested I just give up my dog because itd cost money once Im here for her upkeep. Fucking bitch. I love her, I have to, and she has good moments, but fucking bitch.
Nothing I do is the hardcore way she'd do it, and Im okay with that and I need her to be. Easy for her to say what she'd do now, now that she's married with four kids and is well off financially. Its really really easy to say shit then.
Just like with Alex. Its easy to say shit when you have rich parents that dote on you and never drop you on your ass. Its so easy. money buys everything in his world. Nothing will ever happen to him. Even as his heart was nearly failing him in the ICU this morning, he manages to yell at me tonight. Yell and yell till I'm begging for him to stop. In tears, on the floor, then its Im so sorry. I dont know why I do this. And Im comforted because he's the only person around I have. Then everyday. "why are you doing this to me?" "please stop yelling?" "please" "please"
Since February its been a quick and dramatic downward spiral. Most of whats happened has happened within the past two-three months. Even when Steph was here in March he wasn't terrible at all. Its hard to pinpoint when things really took a turn but oh they have. And Im paying for it, day in day out with my pride, self esteem, my life.
I always thought I could never be treated like this, I never thought this would happen. I never thought he would starting using again, it'd been years and years.
Im trying to not feel guilty not take the blame thats being put on me. Im just trying to get through this.
I hope I'll be okay.
But right now its easier to be a little angry after talking to my sister who suggested I try and get an apartment with my mother. So I could go from one emotionally abusive person with a narcotic addition to another emotionally abusive person with an alcohol problem. Nothing bad happened the last time I lived with her, not at all. Fucking bitch. Also suggested I just give up my dog because itd cost money once Im here for her upkeep. Fucking bitch. I love her, I have to, and she has good moments, but fucking bitch.
Nothing I do is the hardcore way she'd do it, and Im okay with that and I need her to be. Easy for her to say what she'd do now, now that she's married with four kids and is well off financially. Its really really easy to say shit then.
Just like with Alex. Its easy to say shit when you have rich parents that dote on you and never drop you on your ass. Its so easy. money buys everything in his world. Nothing will ever happen to him. Even as his heart was nearly failing him in the ICU this morning, he manages to yell at me tonight. Yell and yell till I'm begging for him to stop. In tears, on the floor, then its Im so sorry. I dont know why I do this. And Im comforted because he's the only person around I have. Then everyday. "why are you doing this to me?" "please stop yelling?" "please" "please"
Since February its been a quick and dramatic downward spiral. Most of whats happened has happened within the past two-three months. Even when Steph was here in March he wasn't terrible at all. Its hard to pinpoint when things really took a turn but oh they have. And Im paying for it, day in day out with my pride, self esteem, my life.
I always thought I could never be treated like this, I never thought this would happen. I never thought he would starting using again, it'd been years and years.
Im trying to not feel guilty not take the blame thats being put on me. Im just trying to get through this.
I hope I'll be okay.