longest car ride ever.
so. my grandfather is going to die. i know, i know. we all are...but it'll be much more truncated for him. he has stage 4 lung cancer. which has spread to his lymph glands, other organs, bones, and soft tissue. plain and simple. we think he has 2-4 months. when in actuality, anything could happen.
i watched his chest rise and fall as he was sleeping on the couch...he shudders with ever breath. i'm scared...and whats worse, he's terrified. fuck, i would be too. how can anyone feel when they're "healthy" one day...and are told they only have a certain amount of time to live the next. they cleared his lungs a week ago...which came as a shock to everyone as he's been smoking like a chimney since the beginning of time. and a few days ago, they say thats where the cancer started. (they-as in doctors, nurses, etc.) and all my father can say is..."thats what excessive drinking and smoking will do to you." i mean, c'mon he's your fucking father. i KNOW you feel emotion...so why don't you show it, its ok. we're all sacred shitless. everyone except a select few who just don't want to hear about it.
he's going to die. i don't believe it, he needs to stay around to see my kids. to make racist jokes in public. to yell at people who cut him off...and call them racial slurs. i need him to teach my children that all people from puerto rico are named pedro, and all those from mexico are named jose. see, its this kind of stuff that i'll never be able to get back. he needs to stay. damnit. he needs to stay and feel everyone's love like he hasn't in the past. he needs to stay so that he can just sit, relax, and enjoy a day for once in his life. he needs to stay for my grandmother, i don't know what she's going to do...
i'm numb to falling tears. i don't think i've ever needed a hug so bad in my entire life. i need to know that reality exists, and that i'm not living in it. and that everything really will be ok. but...i know in my heart that that isn't that case. that life catches up with you. all the bad things, and all the good. it all bites you in the ass at the end.
he has something in his body that is going to kill him. and i can't stop it. no one can...all we can do is make him "comfortable." fuck comfortable i want my damn grandfather to poke fun at my husband...right to his face. and i want to see the look on both their faces when we all start to laugh. i want it to stop, i want it all to stop. so we can savor the moment, and every moment from here on out that i will never be able to get back. that i will never be able to experience again in my life. shit, if i had've known that...
sorry for the rambling. i just needed to get it out, write it down. make it a reality for myself. thanks for listening.
i'm going to live differently from now on.
i watched his chest rise and fall as he was sleeping on the couch...he shudders with ever breath. i'm scared...and whats worse, he's terrified. fuck, i would be too. how can anyone feel when they're "healthy" one day...and are told they only have a certain amount of time to live the next. they cleared his lungs a week ago...which came as a shock to everyone as he's been smoking like a chimney since the beginning of time. and a few days ago, they say thats where the cancer started. (they-as in doctors, nurses, etc.) and all my father can say is..."thats what excessive drinking and smoking will do to you." i mean, c'mon he's your fucking father. i KNOW you feel emotion...so why don't you show it, its ok. we're all sacred shitless. everyone except a select few who just don't want to hear about it.
he's going to die. i don't believe it, he needs to stay around to see my kids. to make racist jokes in public. to yell at people who cut him off...and call them racial slurs. i need him to teach my children that all people from puerto rico are named pedro, and all those from mexico are named jose. see, its this kind of stuff that i'll never be able to get back. he needs to stay. damnit. he needs to stay and feel everyone's love like he hasn't in the past. he needs to stay so that he can just sit, relax, and enjoy a day for once in his life. he needs to stay for my grandmother, i don't know what she's going to do...
i'm numb to falling tears. i don't think i've ever needed a hug so bad in my entire life. i need to know that reality exists, and that i'm not living in it. and that everything really will be ok. but...i know in my heart that that isn't that case. that life catches up with you. all the bad things, and all the good. it all bites you in the ass at the end.
he has something in his body that is going to kill him. and i can't stop it. no one can...all we can do is make him "comfortable." fuck comfortable i want my damn grandfather to poke fun at my husband...right to his face. and i want to see the look on both their faces when we all start to laugh. i want it to stop, i want it all to stop. so we can savor the moment, and every moment from here on out that i will never be able to get back. that i will never be able to experience again in my life. shit, if i had've known that...
sorry for the rambling. i just needed to get it out, write it down. make it a reality for myself. thanks for listening.
i'm going to live differently from now on.