Get a load of this guys!
So, surprising tid bit # 1. I'm single...again. And this time, I have no plans to hook up with, or date or even think romantically about anyone. There's no one on my mind right now in that respect.
Speaking of respect...isnt it about time I got a little self respect? Y'know, quit jumping into relationships and people's beds because I'm lonely and dont like to be alone. I wouldnt so much call myself co-dependant, (because I'll never admit to being dependant on anyone in any way, wether it be monetary, emotionally or physically) But it does seem like I cant deal with just being myself. So why not give it a shot.
I'll most likely be going up north to work in the camps doing seismic testing for oil companies. So i'll be gone for the better part of six months. (not like you'll miss much, i hardly ever post on my LJ)
Looking forward to getting away from Calgary, and being in a place where i am pretty much anonymous. not a fresh start, because i'd never want to toss my current friends aside. But just a little get away to think my life over, figure out what it is I want to do, and make some money.
I'm going to miss everyone so friggin much, but i'll have a full week off each month, and I'll most likely be spending it in edmonton. Try to get home to NS for christmas if i can, See my mom and dad and grandmother, and hug my brother.
I still want to go back to school for plumbing, and if when I get back from up north I still want to do that, I'll grovel for my father's aid and return to NS for schooling at NSCC most likely.
I really hope that at the end of this stint working up north I will have a better grasp on what I want to do in life and how to go about getting it. One thing is certain, my debt will be easily paid off, Student loan, credit card and all. (although my Master card is only 2500. and my student loan less than 3000$)
I'm really going to miss working for M.I. Cable. This is the longest job I've held ever. Along with my friends up here in Calgary/Edmonton. i noticed, since I've kept almost constant contact with a few really good friends that I'm noticing more and more faults of mine, where as with short friendships/relationships/jobs, they never get the chance to get to know me really well.
Its a scary thing, because I dont like some of the things I'm seeing. Like my anger, my tendency to be distant or vindictive. I'm noticing the things in my self that always made me turn tail and say screw this noise. A lot of times I would quit a job, move out to another place, or break up with a guy when I felt like I was starting to relax and be myself.
This is why! Its because I know that once i feel comfortable, or vulnerable...not sure which, But I get mean, I turn ugly and im not the same person. I dont like people knowing too much about me, or knowing my habits too well. It freaks me out, its like they have something to use against me if i'm open and let them know my inner workings.
I've always tried to put a finger on why after a certain time frame friends of mine either faded out of my life or just dissapeared all together. I used to blame it on them. Then blamed it on myself because I was flawed somehow and no one could stand me for too long. But really I'm just doing it to myself.
I'm cold and distant a lot. I dont open up and show people how I really feel, and most times I dont know if I mean it, or if I'm just saying/doing somethings because I feel thats what is expected of me.
Either way, Im going to go away, and try to just be myself, try to work on my anger/temper. And maybe when I get back, if any of you are still around, maybe then I can work on learning to trust. (although while typing that I scoffed, because I doubt that I'll ever trust anyone to the extent that is required for a normal healthy friendship/relationship)
I'm actually getting jittery thinking about posting this. I dont like how it makes me look. confused and pathetic and weak.
(we all know how much I dislike weakness. Especially in myself.)
Speaking of respect...isnt it about time I got a little self respect? Y'know, quit jumping into relationships and people's beds because I'm lonely and dont like to be alone. I wouldnt so much call myself co-dependant, (because I'll never admit to being dependant on anyone in any way, wether it be monetary, emotionally or physically) But it does seem like I cant deal with just being myself. So why not give it a shot.
I'll most likely be going up north to work in the camps doing seismic testing for oil companies. So i'll be gone for the better part of six months. (not like you'll miss much, i hardly ever post on my LJ)
Looking forward to getting away from Calgary, and being in a place where i am pretty much anonymous. not a fresh start, because i'd never want to toss my current friends aside. But just a little get away to think my life over, figure out what it is I want to do, and make some money.
I'm going to miss everyone so friggin much, but i'll have a full week off each month, and I'll most likely be spending it in edmonton. Try to get home to NS for christmas if i can, See my mom and dad and grandmother, and hug my brother.
I still want to go back to school for plumbing, and if when I get back from up north I still want to do that, I'll grovel for my father's aid and return to NS for schooling at NSCC most likely.
I really hope that at the end of this stint working up north I will have a better grasp on what I want to do in life and how to go about getting it. One thing is certain, my debt will be easily paid off, Student loan, credit card and all. (although my Master card is only 2500. and my student loan less than 3000$)
I'm really going to miss working for M.I. Cable. This is the longest job I've held ever. Along with my friends up here in Calgary/Edmonton. i noticed, since I've kept almost constant contact with a few really good friends that I'm noticing more and more faults of mine, where as with short friendships/relationships/jobs, they never get the chance to get to know me really well.
Its a scary thing, because I dont like some of the things I'm seeing. Like my anger, my tendency to be distant or vindictive. I'm noticing the things in my self that always made me turn tail and say screw this noise. A lot of times I would quit a job, move out to another place, or break up with a guy when I felt like I was starting to relax and be myself.
This is why! Its because I know that once i feel comfortable, or vulnerable...not sure which, But I get mean, I turn ugly and im not the same person. I dont like people knowing too much about me, or knowing my habits too well. It freaks me out, its like they have something to use against me if i'm open and let them know my inner workings.
I've always tried to put a finger on why after a certain time frame friends of mine either faded out of my life or just dissapeared all together. I used to blame it on them. Then blamed it on myself because I was flawed somehow and no one could stand me for too long. But really I'm just doing it to myself.
I'm cold and distant a lot. I dont open up and show people how I really feel, and most times I dont know if I mean it, or if I'm just saying/doing somethings because I feel thats what is expected of me.
Either way, Im going to go away, and try to just be myself, try to work on my anger/temper. And maybe when I get back, if any of you are still around, maybe then I can work on learning to trust. (although while typing that I scoffed, because I doubt that I'll ever trust anyone to the extent that is required for a normal healthy friendship/relationship)
I'm actually getting jittery thinking about posting this. I dont like how it makes me look. confused and pathetic and weak.
(we all know how much I dislike weakness. Especially in myself.)