Blood and Wine, PG-13, Unrequited Hotch/Reid
A/N: This is the sequel to Dear Agony. This kind of took on a life of its own. I'm not really sure I'm happy with it. Anyways my muse is somewhat back. I have a third part to what I'm now going to call the Constant Craving series started. It may take a while because I've first promised to write a few things for the HxR Prompt Meme so I'll see how things go. I'm having surgery tomorrow so between finish reading the Hunger Games series (don't judge me lol) I'm probably going to write the fics I promised to. Anyways... On to the fic....
Blood & Wine
“I've got a needle, don't be alarmed.
It shoots streams of lovely things into my arm.
Well I'd sell my own mother for that sweet heroin.
Oh, now that I've tasted blood,
Now this wine seems too thin”
~Blood & Wine by Dustin Kensrue
It started with a craving, his sleepless nights. When he really thought about it, it was cyclical in nature; he's craved one thing or another at every turn in his life. When he was younger it was love he craved. Love from his father who abandoned him, love from his mother which was abundant but sometimes convoluted.
Then he craved acceptance, which he found in the BAU. The BAU, his team, became his friends, mentors, brothers, sisters, they became his family. Then it came back around full circle where he craved love. He craved the love of the one person he could never have.
After he got taken by Hankel he craved drugs, he craved pain, really he just craved an escape. The craving for Dilaudid never stopped, it was a constant ache that made his veins itch. The craving for love never stopped either. Seeing the man he loved pledge his eternal love for another in a small ceremony just 30 minutes outside of D.C., he knew it was physiologically impossible otherwise he'd be dead, but his heart stopped beating that day.
He was truly happy for his love and his onetime hero, but it did nothing to abate the numbness that filled his soul at hearing those two little words. "I do." Such simple words, which taken out of context could mean virtually anything, but he knew what it was. It was the sound of his heart shutting down and his cravings for escape come back full-fledged.
After that day Spencer came in, did his job, went home and went to sleep, got up the next day and did it all over again. He truly tried to act happy, to act as if there wasn't an all consuming need and fire in his veins. He would catch himself thinking just one hit would make the pain go away. If anyone ever found out he had a spare vial of Dilaudid in his bedside drawer, and even a few pills of the same drug in his novelty Star Wars Death Star model, he knew they'd be disappointed and he may even lose his job. He hadn't given in yet but each day was harder. Spencer wasn’t oblivious; he knew his team, his family, was worried about him he just couldn’t find it in himself to care. He lasted almost a year; he broke when he saw the adoption papers on Rossi’s desk. A lifetime of want of things he was denied came crashing down onto him at once. Immediately he took the next couple of days off, no one knew what he had seen.
He told himself over and over again that he was just taking the time off to regroup; he wasn’t going to exhaust his options that were in his small apartment. One lonely night full of a cacophony of thoughts is all it took to break his resolve.
“Sometimes the white coats; They hide black hearts.
We've learned to sugar coat the same black guards.
Well, I turn lead into gold
I'll cure original sin.
Oh, now that I've tasted blood,
Now this wine seems too thin.”
~Blood and Wine by David Kensrue