Dear Agony pg-13 (Hotch/Rossi, onesided Hotch/Reid)
“Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end
And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin”
~Breaking Benjamin “Dear Agony”
He should have seen it coming, the way they gravitated towards each other; if he were truly honest with himself, he did. At first it was the little things that were easily missed, short brushes of fingertips on shoulders and short meaningful glances. If asked, he could tell you down to the minute when he realized that they were together, not only together but in love. It’s times like this that he truly hates his eidetic memory. Every time he closes his eyes he can see those lingering touches and he’s filled with so many emotions it takes hours to sort them out just to fall into a restless sleep. Nights like tonight though, when he tries to fall asleep, he starts to imagine what it’d be like to be on the receiving end of those touches, to have the man he loves look at him with so much adoration that he could cry. Nights like tonight he likes to pretend, he can almost feel the phantom hand as it travels down his abdomen and trails over thighs. He knows that while he’s alone and pretending that they are together, doing everything he’s imagining.
That’s the point he always gets to before his eyes shoot open and he does anything he can think of to not close his eyes, to not go to sleep, because he knows as soon as he does he’ll see them together. Around 8 in the morning he hears his cell phone going off, and he’s never been so happy for a case as he is in this moment. Except he knows that it means he’ll be trapped in a jet with those subtle brushes of skin and eye contact, the regret of having time off together ruined.
They walk in together, Rossi’s hand on the small of Hotch’s back. Hotch looked guiltily at Reid for a moment. He wonders how long Hotch has known what he felt, that if Hotch ordered it he would go to Mercury and back. Was he really that obvious? Spencer hates it every time he sees them together. He can’t help but wonder if it would hurt as much if Hotch was with a woman, but he doubts it. The fact that his 100% heterosexual boss fell in love with a man that said man was the exception and not the rule kills a part of Spencer every time he thinks about it. He knows that Hotch has never looked at another man and never will again.
It was a short case, but a brutal one. In a short three days that the team were there the UNSUB racked up a body count of 11, all under the age of 20. Ten minutes before they’re set to land Hotch approaches him, sits down and says in a low voice, “Spencer, when we land, meet me in my office.”
When they land Spencer is forced to ride with Morgan back to Quantico. It was a long, silent ride and he couldn’t help but feel it was the calm before the storm. Spencer dragged his feet all the way to Hotch’s office. When he got there he knocked lightly on the door and walked in when beckoned.
As soon as he walked in he froze, Rossi was leaning against Hotch’s desk, while Hotch was sitting in his chair. Hotch motioned for Spencer to close the door and sit down. They sat in a tense silence for a few minutes; Rossi was the first to break it.
“Spencer,” Rossi took a deep breath, “Spencer, we thought that you should be the first to know but,”
“Dave and I are going to have a commitment ceremony in May.” Hotch interrupted
Spencer just sat there and blinked for a few seconds before replying hollowly “Oh, ok. That’s… wonderful guys. I’m really happy for you two.” He looked directly at Hotch without meaning to, “You deserve it.”
“Spencer, I know that you…” Hotch trailed off for a moment before starting again, “I know that this may be difficult for you, given how you feel and I really hope that this doesn’t affect our working relationship and that you know that both Dave and I are always here for you no matter what.”
“No! No, it’s perfectly fine. I truly am happy for the both of you and that you found happiness. With how shitty everything has been you need a little light in your life. I can’t fault either of you for that. Not being wanted isn’t exactly new territory for me. I’m… I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“Aaron and I have talked about this, Spencer, and we’ve agreed that if you feel uncomfortable I’d be more than willing to retire again. Aaron even said he’d transfer.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that Rossi, the team needs you. And if anyone were to transfer it should be me, Hotch.”
“No, unless you really want to Spencer, I don’t think there’s a need for you to transfer. Do you? Want to transfer that is.”
Spencer paused for a minute. This would be the perfect out, it would certainly be easier than seeing them together every day, but he just couldn’t bear that thought. It’d probably be smarter to transfer but he’d rather be able to see Hotch with Rossi than not see Hotch at all. “No, I don’t want to transfer. This team is my family, and we just got the family back together I’m not going to ruin that.”
“We would like you to be there Spencer, at the ceremony.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Spencer plastered on a fake smile that he was certain that the senior profilers could see straight through and cleared his throat awkwardly. “Uh, if that’s all, I’ve got a lot of paperwork to finish, sir.”
“Reid, paperwork can work. Go home and get some rest.”
“Yeah, ok Hotch. Good night.”
Spencer walked out of the FBI building in a daze. He knew he should have seen this coming but it still felt like a punch to the gut. He would suffer in silence and be as supportive as everyone else. He truly was happy that Hotch was happy, that he was able to find love again after Haley, but it still hurt. Spencer knew that this would slowly kill him. He would turn into an automaton, just going to work and back home in an endless cycle. He would lie in bed at night and pray to a God that he didn’t believe in that the pain would go away on its own. And when the pain got too much he knew he could always catch a “movie.”
“Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony”
~Breaking Benjamin “Dear Agony”
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This is my first CM fic EVER! and as a response to CM Kink Meme 5 Prompt "Reid is in love with Hotch. Hotch and Emily are together (and in love) and they need to break the news to Reid. If you prefer Hotch to be with someone else on the team, go for it, I won't mind."
constructive criticism appreciated.