Is it all worth it in the end?
I find myself asking more and more if being who you are is worth it in the end when its so much easie to just say F* it and be an ass hole...besides the more I think about it the more thats what girls my age want from a guy. Maybe it is the type of girls that I am interested in? Is any one worth changing yourself for? Honestly? I'm not enjoying being the good guy all the time because quite honestly it doesnt seem to be working. I don't think it would be very difficult for me to change who I am. I mean sure I would struggle inside with the knowledge that what I was doing was wrong but other than my own personal pain and suffering it might be worth it. Maybe I would be happy for once in my life. I can tell you this much I havent been happy since before I was a teenager, and that makes me sad after all these are supposed to be or suppoesed to have been the best years of my life. I sure as hell hope not. Maybe they will become the best years of my life. I'll tell you one thing I think I have learned more in these past 3 or so years than most people do in a life time. I understand how people work and I think that marriage is really only a sacred thing for a very special chosen few people, Im willing to go as far as to say that only 15% of people are with a true soul mate, there are just to many other factors that come into play that force people into relationships and marriages... especially now a days. I have the same nightmare/ day dream that I grow up old and alone and its scary but would I be happy? I dont think so only because I want to have kids I think If I could just get my son out of the deal I might consider just being single my whole life but then you get into if it would be fair for him. WIth all the pressures for a balanced family nowadays and what is considered a healthy living situation for a small child or a big child for that matter. I just think it is partially a fear of having the same thing happen to my children as did to me< I grew up before I ever got to even start being a kid. I think thats why I act the way I do towards women I've been watching men be ass holes to my mother for over 8 yrs now and Im yet to see one that is really good, But at the same time Ive been in some pretty close calls the last couple times with people that turn out to be bad people but are they really bad or was it just not a match there is one thing for sure it isnt just them its a lot my mom too. But how do you say that, I guess you just have to be aware of it and that is really all you can do. God i need like 6 ppl to tell different thoughts right now so that I can go back to them once my fingers catch up damn key boards a pen and paper would prolly be worse I ussually cant even read them after like a week.
Although I have only found a few to admit it while it is taking place I have started a project with my female friends to make those of them who date fake ppl or guys that are ass holes and trying to get them to admit that that is simply what girls are drawn to and Im trying to figure out why. It is definitly a work in progress though because I dont have to many fantastic answers yet. But in retrospect about 50% admit it and ive even found one or two who will admit it while it is taking place.
There was another Idea to go here that I just lost damn it!
Mom had a photoshoot today with somebody whom she described as "a dirty disgusting pig" "fat and in his late 20's" And why are we letting this jerk take pictures of my mom? "I wanted to get some good shots for my match.com profile" Great. Fuck fat dirty old/young men. This punk ass still lives with his mother but he is "trying to break into photography" How bout you get a fucking job and stop being such a freeloader! I hate scum bags more than girls do. Some old men should have their hands broken for the things they do to women and their faces smashed just for good measure so that when they wake up in the morning and have a nice reminder when they look in the mirror and ask what they are....Dirt, the piss, shit and grime from the bottom of my shoes. She printed about 30 pages of the pictures on the computer...the exchange was a disk with her photo's on it for her letting him shoot her, I think she got hosed.
Moms financial burden is becomming unbearable not in a monetary sense but in a guilt sense. The more she talks about how bad she feels about the money she owes me the more it weighs me down and makes me want to work that much harder and take care of her its just the way I am, I try and pay for stuff secretly but at the same time i have several wants for myself, why is it that i feel guilty spending my money that I work for on me? Its mine isnt it? Why? I hate it. I liked it a lot better when we just didnt talk about that stuff... a lot better. So much more to write but the thoughts keep smashing into eachother I'm lonely in a way that I dont think can be fulfilled by anyone I'm lonely for love, I want to be loved in a way that no one can give me right now and a way that won't happen for a long time at the shortest, I take what little I can get and cherish it amidst (if that is even the right spelling seeing as how I cant even sound it out in my head) the torment of going through each day weighed down with the worries of the world and trying to portray a positive kid with everything in the world going for him, Im truly fortunate for what I have and I'm trying to learn to be thankful, where is it?
Although I have only found a few to admit it while it is taking place I have started a project with my female friends to make those of them who date fake ppl or guys that are ass holes and trying to get them to admit that that is simply what girls are drawn to and Im trying to figure out why. It is definitly a work in progress though because I dont have to many fantastic answers yet. But in retrospect about 50% admit it and ive even found one or two who will admit it while it is taking place.
There was another Idea to go here that I just lost damn it!
Mom had a photoshoot today with somebody whom she described as "a dirty disgusting pig" "fat and in his late 20's" And why are we letting this jerk take pictures of my mom? "I wanted to get some good shots for my match.com profile" Great. Fuck fat dirty old/young men. This punk ass still lives with his mother but he is "trying to break into photography" How bout you get a fucking job and stop being such a freeloader! I hate scum bags more than girls do. Some old men should have their hands broken for the things they do to women and their faces smashed just for good measure so that when they wake up in the morning and have a nice reminder when they look in the mirror and ask what they are....Dirt, the piss, shit and grime from the bottom of my shoes. She printed about 30 pages of the pictures on the computer...the exchange was a disk with her photo's on it for her letting him shoot her, I think she got hosed.
Moms financial burden is becomming unbearable not in a monetary sense but in a guilt sense. The more she talks about how bad she feels about the money she owes me the more it weighs me down and makes me want to work that much harder and take care of her its just the way I am, I try and pay for stuff secretly but at the same time i have several wants for myself, why is it that i feel guilty spending my money that I work for on me? Its mine isnt it? Why? I hate it. I liked it a lot better when we just didnt talk about that stuff... a lot better. So much more to write but the thoughts keep smashing into eachother I'm lonely in a way that I dont think can be fulfilled by anyone I'm lonely for love, I want to be loved in a way that no one can give me right now and a way that won't happen for a long time at the shortest, I take what little I can get and cherish it amidst (if that is even the right spelling seeing as how I cant even sound it out in my head) the torment of going through each day weighed down with the worries of the world and trying to portray a positive kid with everything in the world going for him, Im truly fortunate for what I have and I'm trying to learn to be thankful, where is it?