Complete Disaster

[nuttmeg]

I do believe that I am absolutely miserable. I am grateful for my friends and my family. They are always a source of warmth in my life, but other than them I don't have a whole lot going for me right now. I hate winter. I am sick. I am depressed. I am heartbroken. I am lonely (but I'm not about to walk out the door looking for someone to be with

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About Her

[anonymous]

It began then. That fall, just in school. I was lost. Questioning myself and decision that bent my life 180 degrees onto a whole other tangent of somewhere I should have been long ago. It was then that I first saw her. I became addicted to her beauty that first time, craving it, hoping that I would see her each day I waited to go into my class. Each day a rush, her image repainted in my mind. Never did I approach her. Never did I chance saying hello. Why? Perhaps doubt within myself. But, I didn’t want to ripple the pond. I didn’t want her noticing the eagerness that I would have looking through the crowd, or my intent stare once my search had ended for it would have changed things. I didn’t want to disrupt my morning rush of amazement. I also did not want her image in my mind altered by knowing who she was inside. I was content simply to admire her.
It became spring. I had not seen her in months. She was but a distant memory then, covered by the countless day to day happenings. Then one night, there she was… once again tangible, but more so. There was no crowd. I was us in a room with less people than could be counted on one hand. I didn’t want to afford not saying hello to her. After all, her knowledge of my interest could no longer deprive me of my beautiful mornings, for they were already taken from me by time. She would not make it easy. Simply telling me that if I found where she lived, we may have a date. I was happy at that moment to know that I am a very resourceful person, and this challenge would not be as difficult as it may have seemed when posed. Alas, my resourcefulness was unneeded. One of her friends sold her out to me (for her benefit, of course). And we had our date.
We began seeing each other, but we would be challenged by many ghosts from the past, and two loves that still had their hold on us. It was made known that relationships of distance were undesired… and that summer would bring exactly that. Knowing that was probably the key element in twisting our relationship. Another was the fact that she let it be known that she was still in love with him. So, I kept my heart at a distance, as it was inclined to become hers. But I would not let myself know what I knew. I wanted her in the way that she had made impossible. It is amazing how reasonability can be subdued by love. Plus, my fading love for one long since gone would pull at me, ushering my heart away from her. And summer did come.
My impression was that summer meant goodbye. It meant enjoy the time you had together, and move on. We would be friends and perhaps do friend things together. But I made her a promise that, for no acceptable reason, I failed to follow through on. Little did I know what impact that held. And then, she was gone. Silence was left. She was… gone. I credited that to the understanding we had, but I didn’t ever think that there would be silence. I felt the void within my heart, for this woman I had become so fond for. Subtle things that I liked about her, and probably should have noticed more became larger in my memories. I had a yearning for things that only she had ever given me, the unique things that could never be found elsewhere. I felt that I had taken her for granted a little, that I could have better enjoyed the time I had with her. But she was gone. Man up and move on, I told myself. After all, that was what she wanted, and what I understood going into it. So, I respected her distance, as best I could. Sure, I called her every once in a while. But I watched her at a distance through her posts. It was a way I could know that she was happy, and doing well without intruding.

Continued...

Re: About Her 2

[anonymous]

And then it happened midway through summer. It was a job close enough to her to not make things too difficult. I called her to let her know and… silence. I suspected that she simply did not want me any longer. And time passed. She faded, but not too much. Her memory was readily revived when I heard her name, or something we did together. School came back in. I didn’t search her out. I just let it be. We did indeed run into one another. And she told me she was back with him. I was hurt, and happy at the same time. Hurt because, I really don’t need to explain that. I was happy in that I knew that she was, and because I had closure. No more wondering. I was free.
Some time passed. Spring once again… nearly a year since our first date. It was then that I received the call from her friend that brought it all back and stirred up my heart. He had done it again… but she was hurt. They came to a party at our house, and we talked a bit. I didn’t let her know about the lump in my stomach, or how… it made me feel just seeing her. I was fresh into a relationship though, and she made it known that she wasn’t looking for that. So I let it be… but I began seeing her around once again… every time my heart stopping. She was as beautiful as ever, grown up a little more. Her simple presence in my proximity would command all of my attention until she’d realize that I was there… and I would be calm and cool. I would not let her know the power she held over me. I realized then that the months that passed did not cause how I felt about her to fade. They only gave it time to become stronger. And I could not let her know that.
Then one day, but a few weeks ago, she caught me. She was walking past and I didn’t see her until she was to my left shoulder. She already knew I was there. It dawned on me who it was, and my body snapped around to see her once again. The reaction went noticed. I think she was doing the same. But in that instant, my body and face gave me away. I knew that she knew. All I could manage was a cracked “hi” that I wasn’t sure she even heard.
We have talked. We understand what happened last May that spun us into all of this. The strangest part is that through it all, it’s making us stronger for each other. He is gone from her life. I have closure from the one love that held on for four years. I have my whole heart back. It seems to me sometimes that there are forces channeling us to one another. I want her. I want to love her. Ironically, right now I can’t. At least no more than from a distance. She is with another, and as much as I argue within, I have to respect that. She has let me know that she loves me as well… and can’t, unless from a distance. I am scared that she knows how I feel, but at the same time, I know she must feel the same that I know her heart. I do not know what tomorrow holds for her and I, but I have my dreams and fantasies. They keep me going for now.
This may just be the rantings of some fool who can’t sleep because she’s on his mind. But something made me want to write all of this… to put it down. I just needed to lay it all out. Tomorrow, I could forget it and move on, or fall head over heels with her. But it’s our decision to make. And I’m glad to know that it’s not simply one of us, but both…