Shadow Work With Hibiscus & Reading Anastasia
"It's Oryx who taught me the emotional processing system framework I'm using," I said to Hibiscus. "But I also incorporate things I've learned from neuro-linguistic programming, Teal Swan, Conversations with God, meditation groups and personal experiences. My facilitation is something like 'shadow work' as Carl Jung called it, but it is more than just an exploration of the unconscious - it's an exploration of the mind, body and emotions as a whole."
.
"Will you do a process for me?" he asked.
.
"Absolutely."
.
On August 25th I facilitated for Hibiscus for the first time. He'd had a lot of emotion come up in response to an e-mail from his ex.
.
"Let your thoughts flow. Let your awareness wander as it wants to. Exert conscious control only in your inhales. Deepen your inhales, and relax on the exhale. Deepen the inhales a little more. Expand your diaphragm. Feel it expanding. Then relax," I began.
.
I led him through an exploration of his physical sensations, and then said, "Go inside and ask, What subject or feeling is most important for me to explore right now?"
.
After a moment's pause he laughed. "The first thing that comes up is this dynamic between you and I and what it means."
.
I smiled. That did feel to me like the elephant in the room, so-to-speak. It seemed natural that it was not the e-mail that was really troubling him the most. Like me, Hibiscus was a master of investing a lot of energy and emotion into distractions so as to avoid the heart of the issues facing him.
.
We explored many issues, including his attraction to a girl who was underage, his desire to drink alcohol more than he felt was ideal for his health, his lack of trust of himself, and his compulsive need to carefully monitor everything he said.
.
Toward the end of the process he said, "I'm already very worried about how much I'm going to miss you when you're gone."
.
I smiled, feeling a deep relief. He likes me, he really like me. As if that wasn't evident from the long massage, or the many late nights talking. For some reason it was that statement that finally made me feel secure. Suddenly my jealousy of Akina seemed to vanish. That night when Hibiscus went out with Akina for ice-cream, I felt entirely content to stay in by self.
.
I curled up on my bed in Hibiscus's guest room and pulled out my e-ink reader. That day I had downloaded a digital copy of Anastasia (which was listed free on Amazon) which Hibiscus had recommended to me. Many people had recommended it before, but the things Hibiscus said made it feel more urgent to read it right away.
.
I called Paladin and we discussed the topics in the beginning of the book - the healing powers of cedar trees, the idea that sex is out of alignment with one's highest self if it is not in genuine desire for children, the methods of growing food that Anastasia recommends for healing all aliments known to man. In particular, we talked about sex.
.
"When you mentioned your conflict about children when processing about the subject of sex, I thought it was just a block that came from your Christian upbringing. I hadn't realized that it could have spiritual validity," I said.
.
"Perhaps it comes from both," he said.
.
"What about what it said in Conversations with God - it said that sex is good. Or at least, it is if it a true expression of what we are. I suppose it says that all things are good, so long as it is an authentic expression of what we are, what we want to be and where we want to go."
.
"I think that is a more objective truth than what Anastasia is saying."
.
"Kind of like raw food is a fantastic dietary choice for a certain level of spiritual awareness, and if you're the kind of person who chooses that freely, and it feels most right for you, then it may be indicative of your spiritual development. Likewise, only desiring sex when one truly wants children may also be indicative of where one is on one's path. It doesn't make it wrong or bad to be somewhere else on the path."
.
"Exactly," Paladin agreed. "Except that the path is different for everyone, and spiritual evolution is more flexible than a path."
.
"This makes sense to me intellectually. And yet I'm still feeling emotionally confused." I felt tears come to my eyes, a positive sign that part of me was connecting deeply to those most cherished, hidden parts of myself. "It's like I want a more solid answer to hold on to. It's like I'm seeking a right or wrong, even though there is no such thing as objective morality."
.
That night I went to sleep earlier than I had in a while - before ten o'clock - yet I woke repeatedly in the night. I'd wake with a dry mouth and drink from my quart jar. I'd wake and need to pee and I'd go into the adjacent room and carefully squat on the toilet. I was working to learn to begin the squat with my left foot instead of my right foot to balance out the muscles in my legs. I'd come back to bed and find myself restless, tossing and turning.
.
I dreamed I was with my dad buying presents for my mom. We were with my mom at first. Then we had to leave her and take a long walk to be sure she was out of sight before going through the things we had bought for her.
.
We moved through a huge building somewhat like a convention center.
.
Dad had bought her a sticky-pad again, but this time it was an artistic sticky pad (pink, with designs, and shaped like a baby boot), and he'd written her a little romantic note on the top sticky.
.
“Better than he did last year,” I thought.
.
Then I wandered into a “fun room” that had things of strange shapes, like a bookshelf that tapered down at the bottom. It didn't look like it should be able to stand. I wanted to rearrange the room, but the bookshelf started to fall.
.
I called “help!” but no one came. I knew my dad was nearby so I kept calling “help! Help me with this!”
.
Eventually he came and grabbed part of the shelf. We moved it together.
.
In another dream there was a toilet where the laundry room was expected to be in my home in Snowland. The toilet, to my unhappiness, was in great disrepair. I was angry about this. When I woke I tried to recall if there had ever been a toilet there. Technically, there had, before the house-fire that had happened when I was fourteen, but that was back when there had been an entire bathroom there, and not a laundry room.
.
In this same dream lots of people were sleeping in my living room including Mermaid. It was as if four people had moved into my apartment. It was impossible to get anything done. I felt drained and exhausted in the dream and highly frustrated.
.
I woke fairly early and feeling good. I made myself a smoothie with raw goat milk, a banana, a half cup choke berries, a cup blueberries, five cranberries, three soaked prunes, a spoonful of chia seeds, and a quarter cup purslane leaves freshly picked from Hibiscus's garden.
.
I enjoyed facilitating for Hibiscus yesterday, I reminded myself. I had a habit of feeling shy about doing it, but then loved it when I did. It was similar to my pattern with showers. I'd resist taking a shower, then I'd promise myself that I'd just take a really short shower, and then once I got into the shower I'd enjoy it so much that I'd take a very long shower.
.
I could make a living as a consciousness facilitator. I wouldn't need all that many clients, I thought. I'll ask Hibiscus if he wants to become a client via skype after I leave.
.
"Will you do a process for me?" he asked.
.
"Absolutely."
.
On August 25th I facilitated for Hibiscus for the first time. He'd had a lot of emotion come up in response to an e-mail from his ex.
.
"Let your thoughts flow. Let your awareness wander as it wants to. Exert conscious control only in your inhales. Deepen your inhales, and relax on the exhale. Deepen the inhales a little more. Expand your diaphragm. Feel it expanding. Then relax," I began.
.
I led him through an exploration of his physical sensations, and then said, "Go inside and ask, What subject or feeling is most important for me to explore right now?"
.
After a moment's pause he laughed. "The first thing that comes up is this dynamic between you and I and what it means."
.
I smiled. That did feel to me like the elephant in the room, so-to-speak. It seemed natural that it was not the e-mail that was really troubling him the most. Like me, Hibiscus was a master of investing a lot of energy and emotion into distractions so as to avoid the heart of the issues facing him.
.
We explored many issues, including his attraction to a girl who was underage, his desire to drink alcohol more than he felt was ideal for his health, his lack of trust of himself, and his compulsive need to carefully monitor everything he said.
.
Toward the end of the process he said, "I'm already very worried about how much I'm going to miss you when you're gone."
.
I smiled, feeling a deep relief. He likes me, he really like me. As if that wasn't evident from the long massage, or the many late nights talking. For some reason it was that statement that finally made me feel secure. Suddenly my jealousy of Akina seemed to vanish. That night when Hibiscus went out with Akina for ice-cream, I felt entirely content to stay in by self.
.
I curled up on my bed in Hibiscus's guest room and pulled out my e-ink reader. That day I had downloaded a digital copy of Anastasia (which was listed free on Amazon) which Hibiscus had recommended to me. Many people had recommended it before, but the things Hibiscus said made it feel more urgent to read it right away.
.
I called Paladin and we discussed the topics in the beginning of the book - the healing powers of cedar trees, the idea that sex is out of alignment with one's highest self if it is not in genuine desire for children, the methods of growing food that Anastasia recommends for healing all aliments known to man. In particular, we talked about sex.
.
"When you mentioned your conflict about children when processing about the subject of sex, I thought it was just a block that came from your Christian upbringing. I hadn't realized that it could have spiritual validity," I said.
.
"Perhaps it comes from both," he said.
.
"What about what it said in Conversations with God - it said that sex is good. Or at least, it is if it a true expression of what we are. I suppose it says that all things are good, so long as it is an authentic expression of what we are, what we want to be and where we want to go."
.
"I think that is a more objective truth than what Anastasia is saying."
.
"Kind of like raw food is a fantastic dietary choice for a certain level of spiritual awareness, and if you're the kind of person who chooses that freely, and it feels most right for you, then it may be indicative of your spiritual development. Likewise, only desiring sex when one truly wants children may also be indicative of where one is on one's path. It doesn't make it wrong or bad to be somewhere else on the path."
.
"Exactly," Paladin agreed. "Except that the path is different for everyone, and spiritual evolution is more flexible than a path."
.
"This makes sense to me intellectually. And yet I'm still feeling emotionally confused." I felt tears come to my eyes, a positive sign that part of me was connecting deeply to those most cherished, hidden parts of myself. "It's like I want a more solid answer to hold on to. It's like I'm seeking a right or wrong, even though there is no such thing as objective morality."
.
That night I went to sleep earlier than I had in a while - before ten o'clock - yet I woke repeatedly in the night. I'd wake with a dry mouth and drink from my quart jar. I'd wake and need to pee and I'd go into the adjacent room and carefully squat on the toilet. I was working to learn to begin the squat with my left foot instead of my right foot to balance out the muscles in my legs. I'd come back to bed and find myself restless, tossing and turning.
.
I dreamed I was with my dad buying presents for my mom. We were with my mom at first. Then we had to leave her and take a long walk to be sure she was out of sight before going through the things we had bought for her.
.
We moved through a huge building somewhat like a convention center.
.
Dad had bought her a sticky-pad again, but this time it was an artistic sticky pad (pink, with designs, and shaped like a baby boot), and he'd written her a little romantic note on the top sticky.
.
“Better than he did last year,” I thought.
.
Then I wandered into a “fun room” that had things of strange shapes, like a bookshelf that tapered down at the bottom. It didn't look like it should be able to stand. I wanted to rearrange the room, but the bookshelf started to fall.
.
I called “help!” but no one came. I knew my dad was nearby so I kept calling “help! Help me with this!”
.
Eventually he came and grabbed part of the shelf. We moved it together.
.
In another dream there was a toilet where the laundry room was expected to be in my home in Snowland. The toilet, to my unhappiness, was in great disrepair. I was angry about this. When I woke I tried to recall if there had ever been a toilet there. Technically, there had, before the house-fire that had happened when I was fourteen, but that was back when there had been an entire bathroom there, and not a laundry room.
.
In this same dream lots of people were sleeping in my living room including Mermaid. It was as if four people had moved into my apartment. It was impossible to get anything done. I felt drained and exhausted in the dream and highly frustrated.
.
I woke fairly early and feeling good. I made myself a smoothie with raw goat milk, a banana, a half cup choke berries, a cup blueberries, five cranberries, three soaked prunes, a spoonful of chia seeds, and a quarter cup purslane leaves freshly picked from Hibiscus's garden.
.
I enjoyed facilitating for Hibiscus yesterday, I reminded myself. I had a habit of feeling shy about doing it, but then loved it when I did. It was similar to my pattern with showers. I'd resist taking a shower, then I'd promise myself that I'd just take a really short shower, and then once I got into the shower I'd enjoy it so much that I'd take a very long shower.
.
I could make a living as a consciousness facilitator. I wouldn't need all that many clients, I thought. I'll ask Hibiscus if he wants to become a client via skype after I leave.