The Unconscious Struggles With "Temporary"
August 22nd 2015
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Saturday night I met Hibiscus's girlfriend, Akina for the first time. He'd only started dating her a week before he met me. I'd expected her to be middle-aged and a little overweight. I suppose I expected that because Hibiscus was white haired and had a small protrusion in his stomach. Yet Akina looked as young as me, if not younger.
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Long black ringlets framed her carob-colored face. Her complexion was smooth and her body was slim. I smiled and greeted her in Hibiscus's kitchen.
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I had agreed to give Hibiscus and Akina privacy by going over to Otter's house for a couple hours. I collected up my hair brush, a hoodie, Paladin's tablet and my water jar.
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I played "Love Letter - Batman" and "Ingenious" with Otter and Polecat's son. I won the former and came in second place in the latter. I proceeded to play with legos until midnight and then came back to Hibiscus's place.
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"I don't understand why I'm so jealous," I said over the phone to Paladin.
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"Maybe because Hibiscus mirrors me so much," Paladin suggested.
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"I don't think that's it. Seems more likely that it just has to do with the level of emotional intimacy we've shared this past week." I thought for a minute, recalling her beauty again. "And something about how young and beautiful she is. I didn't expect that. I assumed I was more young and beautiful than she was because of Hibiscus's age. I guess I should have given him more credit."
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Still, this didn't match up. My level of discomfort wasn't explained. We explored a few ideas over the course of ten or so minutes and moved on to other topics.
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"I miss you so much," I said.
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"I miss you too."
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"I don't think my subconscious understands that this is temporary. I don't think it understands that I'll be returning to you in a little less than three weeks."
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"Hmmm," Paladin said. "You might be right. Hypnosis is done with present-tense statements."
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"Yeah. That might be why I get fixated on where I'm going to be going a week before I go. I move into a thought pattern of I am going on a trip and then all I can do is prepare for that trip. I can't focus on anything else. I get restless. And that is probably why you have trouble getting fully prepared - you don't put yourself into the I am going mindset until the night before. Speaking of which, if you're going to come get me on September tenth, you should pretend you're coming on the eighth. That way you'll actually be ready to come get me on the tenth."
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"Are you making fun of me?" He asked, chuckling.
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"Maybe. I was being serious," I said, laughing.
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"Hey," I added. "Maybe this ties back in... Since I don't understand unconsciously that this is temporary, then I feel dependent on Hibiscus. I feel like this is forever and ever, meaning that I'm dependent on him for support. No wonder I feel like its a competition."
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The next day (my second Sunday at Otter's Eco Village) I woke early needing to pee really badly. I heard Hibiscus in the shower with Akina. I applied Thayer's Witch Hazel solution to my nether regions, and then stood and hunched over my suitcases.
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Suddenly I felt like I had nothing to wear. Short shorts, one part of me suggested.
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No, another part argued back. If I wear those, then we really will be in competition with Akina, at least in thought.
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I frowned. The black pants?
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Too raggedy. I must look attractive. If I don't...
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I sighed. I'd already figured out last night where my instant jealousy of Akina came from. It would have been obscure to me a year previously, but a ten months of shadow work is a tad revealing, to say the least.
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It's because I connect sexuality with relationship security, and because my feelings don't understand that this situation is temporary.
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I finally just put on a comfortable pair of loose, dark-purple pants and a comfortable loose black shirt. Nothing fancy. I went downstairs, pulled on my sneakers, and went next door to Otter's place.
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"The bathroom is totally occupied next door," I said in response to Otter's somewhat questioning look. Polecat, Otter's wife (although they each had children by other people) was standing at the kitchen sink washing something. I didn't look to see what since Otter had told me the previous night that they would be killing and processing at least one of their own chickens that morning.
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I came back to Hibiscus's. I looked at the kitchen counter and instantly decided I wanted a grapefruit. I sliced it half, found my grapefruit spoon among my things and plunged into the delicious, yellow insides. I followed it with four handfuls of bee pollen mixed with sesame seeds and then went back up to my room.
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I heard Akina making little squeals.
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I should go jump on Otter's trampoline, I thought. Quietly, my subconscious thought: Exercise makes me more attractive. Consciously I thought: Jumping on the trampoline is a self-loving thing to do.
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I thought for a moment about changing into something I felt would be more suitable to jumping on the trampoline, but then I noticed my sudden desire to jump on the trampoline first thing in the morning was out of character.
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God. Why am I still experiencing so much insecurity and jealousy even though I know where it is coming from?
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I heard Akina let out a pleased moan. I sat down to write, thinking maybe I could let some of it out of my system that way. After typing only ten or so minutes I found that the area under my left-ribcage was aching terribly, the way it often did when I felt resentment toward Paladin.
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Resentment? What could I possibly be feeling resentment about? I wondered.
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The entire day felt off. I didn't feel like doing anything. When I tried to work I got dizzy. When I tried to play my stomach started hurting.
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I went to Otter's place and found him, his two daughters, Polecat's son, and many other children all in the living area. Polecat's son was playing video games on his laptop. The younger children were playing Smallworld, the board game. Otter was sitting at one end of the table painting Warhammer pieces.
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"May I paint one?" I asked Otter.
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"The thing is, my army has a specific color scheme..."
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"I know. I can try the scheme."
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"Okay."
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He gave me a three-inch tall monster and proceeded to give its exposed brains a green wash, his carapace a deep blue color, and his flesh two different tones of purple. Otter was impressed with my painting abilities. Frankly, so was I. I hadn't tried painting with physical paints in years, and I had improved in the interim despite only digitally painting in the mean time. This pleased me.
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When I went back next door to Hibiscus's I laid down and contemplated the behavior of the children I had observed. What is so painful in their lives at Silverstag Eco Hamlet that they need to be antagonistic with their every action?
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I napped a little. I called Paladin at various points. I watched Teal's latest video called, Authenticity versus Just Being an Asshole. Teal points out that being "brutally honest" is never for the other person's benefit, it's for your benefit. If you cared deeply about the other person, you wouldn't be brutal, you'd be kind and authentic. This reminded me of Oryx, who was repeatedly speaking the case for being brutally honest and repeatedly being an ass toward me.
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I felt myself becoming even more dragged into melancholy.
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If Paladin were here, I could ask him to run me a bath and make me a cup of hot tea. I called him and told him so.
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"Wouldn't that be nice," he said.
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I told him about the video and my reflections on Oryx. I found myself choked up and then shortly thereafter sobbing.
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"I think the jealousy of Akina was just a distraction I created for myself to cover up the pain of missing you, the pain I feel from trying to let go of Oryx, the pain I feel from my own self-rejection. I feel like I am not enough."
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I cried for a while. I blew my nose several times. I felt better. I napped a little more.
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That night I felt distressed yet again, at least in part because I had gone over to Otter's house and started playing with the legos only to be immediately interrupted by the strong, toxic odor of hamburgers being fried. I left. I came back a couple hours later to put the legos away, but even still the smell was quite strong. I cleaned up as quickly as I could without ruining my organization and high-tailed back out of there.
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I noticed on my way out that Polecat looked stoic in a defensive sort of way. Her unapologetic hamburger-frying was fine. It was her home. But I could tell it was making her uncomfortable and yet she consciously argued with herself that she was in the right.
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Akina was no longer at Hibiscus's place, which felt like a relief. I talked to Hibiscus over his dinner of pasta and basil pesto. I mentioned the neck pain I had been experiencing all day. He offered to give me a massage which I happily accepted. After hours of being rubbed and talking I noticed I had become aroused. I let it pass without mentioning it. It was undoubtedly best to let this stay at friendship, and not move into the cloudy territory of romance. Besides, then I'd really be in competition with Akina, and that just seemed like creating trouble unnecessarily.