"I always deeply appreciate and accept myself." Or do I?
He did the muscle test on my arm. I hold my arm straight out to the side, and he pushes on it. "It's a calibration for me too," Rooster says, referring to how weak my "strong" is. Muscle testing seems to work consistently for some people, but both Paladin and I experience it as having more complex results than just "yes" and "no."
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We did an exercise called "Back to the Future" (or possibly "Vak to the Future") after I muscle tested strong for the statement, "It is safe and appropriate for all parts of this system to do a 'Back to the Future' process for this goal."
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"This goal" referring to this statement: "I always deeply appreciate and accept myself."
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Rooster asks, "What will you see in your life that will let you know that you've achieved your goal?"
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I say aloud, "I see cozy flannel sheets. There is a girl on them. She is spreading a healthy sort of frosting on both of us and licking it off. Now she is in a field with me. The field is filled with wild flowers. The girl steps toward me and we merge into one being. She was part of me all along. I feel okay being alone. With energy, I set off for a nearby mango tree and climb it and collect mangoes on my own."
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[This happened on January 12th, 2015, while Paladin and I were at Rooster's house, which is a seven-hour drive away from home.]
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Rooster asks, "What would you hear yourself say? What would you hear others say?"
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I reply, "I can see a group of people going off to do something I don't want to do. I say to them, 'I am not interested in what you guys are doing. I'm going to do my own thing.' I can feel myself meaning it. I can hear people who I like, but am shy to join, saying 'Join us. We don't bite.'."
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Rooster repeats back to me all that I have said about what I see and hear. I feel troubled hearing him read it. I'm nervous that I'll somehow fail this exercise. I feel like the things being repeated back to me are interesting, but not compelling. I remember how compelling the things that Paladin had said were.
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Paladin had done this exercise too, for the same "goal" of "I deeply appreciate and accept myself." He had said, "I see myself going out on my own initiative without relying on others to join me. I'm walking more, hiking and practicing martial arts. I see myself taking care of my health without depriving others of my attention. I see something... I'm not sure how to describe it. It looks like something out of a sci-fi movie."
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Paladin continued, "I hear myself speaking in silly accents without feeling self-conscious. I hear myself saying, 'I'm okay.' I hear others express a desire to join me in doing things I love to do."
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I had watched Paladin through this process and been moved listening to him speak. An interesting bug arrived and crawled around in front of me. It seemed like a good-luck bug to me.
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Then Rooster says, after repeating back to me all that I had said, "Where in your body do you feel it?"
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I knew I had felt fairly calm while I was talking about the field of wildflowers and the girl that was myself, but when Rooster asked me this question, I felt nervous and tense. I knew that wasn't how it was supposed to work. I should have been basking in the delight of the imagery I had created. I should have felt something warm and fuzzy somewhere within. I should have felt as Paladin had. Paladin had said he felt "lighter". He said it would feel like "moss" if he could touch his feeling.
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I felt a tension in my eyebrows shaped like a bat wings. If I could touch it, it would be like a hand-exerciser... Little did Rooster know that I don't like hand-exercisers very much. But I wasn't entirely out of sync with the project.
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Rooster asked what benefits would there be to myself and others if I were to always deeply appreciate and accept myself:
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I would be much more easily understood. My communication would be clearer.
I would talk less, yet convey more.
I would do more sporty things, like ice-skating and hiking. Everyone would be more accepting of my level of fitness.
I would stop having "yes, but" dialogs.
I would eat less food. My digestive system would be happier.
I would be more sporadic... In a healthful sense.
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And what would the perceived costs be for myself and others?
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I would be quicker to let people down instead of forcing myself to do things for their sake.
I probably wouldn't make any money.
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And then internally I started reeling. If I didn't make any money, then what? I've been supporting Paladin financially for three years. I can't lose my work. I can eat less, but I'm not so brilliant as to be able to eat nothing, and neither is he. If I lost my work, would Paladin work again? Would it ruin our relationship?
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And then Rooster asks, "With all of this, is this goal still worth it? Do you still want it?"
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And then I sit their quietly for a long time. I want to say "yes" because Rooster's feelings will be hurt if I say "no". I try to find a way to believe that my answer is "yes." I feel like my answer should be yes. I should appreciate and accept myself. I think about this hard. I could do it perhaps 70% of the time. But wait, I already do accept myself and appreciate myself about 70% of the time. Maybe even 80%. So what has changed? Anything?
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I can't say I'll always deeply appreciate and accept myself. Not when I feel deep down that this would mean being alone, that this would mean losing my work. The feelings aren't rational, but that's what I felt. And so I said aloud, "I can't honestly say that I do."
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Rooster sighed, and I perceived his pain. He went through all this effort of leading me through this process, and I was fully uncooperative. I felt like a failure. But would lying be better? I don't think so.
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Paladin had listed these benefits for himself:
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I'd make the best choice for myself without shrinking away, with certainty. I'd experience less pain. I would be able to communicate my needs in relationships better. I would make more authentic friendships and relationships.
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He listed this perceived costs:
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My decisions may not always make others around me comfortable.
People may blame me for problems I have no control over.
I may lose connection or contact with family or others who matter, but who I have less authentic relationships with. (Paladin started crying when he said that.)
I may have to admit things that I like don't have a place on my path.
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When Rooster asked "With all of this, is this goal still worth it?" Paladin said "Yes."