My Thought Patterns
Monday, July 19th 2010 at 9:26am
Wheee! I'm up at a reasonable hour this morning! I got up at seven, for the first time in a while. Paladin being sick and stresses over the past few weeks has been a real downer, but I think things are beginning to smooth out again. My own energy levels are beginning to be up as much as down again, and soon I hope to see them up more than down.
I still get letters sometimes on the dating site where Paladin and I met. That's where I communicate with Lynx, after all. I wanted to save this one somewhere before I deleted it, since it was such a kind letter;
Nuria, I'd forgotten how beautiful and sexy you are. But actually my favorite photo of you that I got to from The Page was the one where you are just wearing jeans and talking on your cell phone. Not that the others were bad, mind you..
You are so multi-talented and creative that I could never keep up with you. You have a great face that expresses vulnerability at one moment and street smarts the next.
You got some great pictures while you were out west. I didn't feel like signing up at deviant art to check the "mature" stuff out, but who knows? Maybe I signed up there a long time ago and forgot all about it :) Best wishes, Rick (RickB846)
1:10pm
It's happening again. The same thing that happened last night.
I want to go color with my markers. What should I color? Another castle...? Perhaps that would be fun. But will my castles be good enough to work as the castles for the video game I want to create? Probably not. I'd need to scan them and edit them a lot. Why bother doing that when I could just digitally paint them in the first place? I should just digital paint.
I don't feel like digital painting right now. What else could I do? I want to play Lord of the Rings online. Why do I want to do that? I have no idea. Paladin isn't home to play with me. I don't even know what to do with myself once I log in. I want to create my own kinship... But look what happened in World of Warcraft... I spent all that time building up my guild, hours of recruiting and management... Just to give it away, and give it up because it was too expensive and too much of a time sink. Lord of the Rings online is the same - a time sink. I shouldn't play it. Instead I should be designing the game I want to create.
I want the game I create to be based on the novel I'm writing. But I need to write more of the novel and find out how it ends in order to get a good feel for how the game should be played. But I can't find out how it ends without rereading everything I've written, otherwise I don't know where I left off and how I got there. But I can't just reread everything I've written because I need to edit the errors I see. Also, I have this issue that I've added in a new character who I need to add in manually throughout the entire story. That's going to make the entire story much longer which means I need to come up with an ending for the first book that comes before the ending of what I have written so far.
I don't feel like doing all that right now. I just don't feel like I have the inspiration to hold that much information in my head all at once and juggle the writing and the charts and all the scheming... What else could I do?
I should write some more articles for my public blog. Cerylidae said I ought to; he liked them. But for that I'd need to get active on twitter again, and read some other articles as reference, and brainstorm, and come up with interesting photos to post, and code the html for the images to appear on the page like I want them to... All that research and writing... It makes my head spin. I don't want to stress myself out like that, then I certainly won't have energy to work on my game design or my novel.
I want to just go color with my markers! But I should color something useful. Well, there are lots of crystal buildings in my novel. I should learn how to draw those. But for that, I need to do some research on drawing crystals. Thus far, I'm not really that good at it. It would be easier to do them digitally. But I don't want to digital paint. I don't feel like hooking up my wacom and opening up Photoshop which slows down my laptop, and finding good source images... And blah, blah, blah... It takes so much time.
I'm hungry. I should get something to eat while I ponder what I should do. I want an apple. I shouldn't have an apple. I had an apple for breakfast. I want rice cakes. I shouldn't have rice cakes, because they're not a raw healthy food. I want a banana smoothie, but that feels like too much effort right now. I want an avocado salad, but I don't want to slice the avocados, and besides, we don't have any tomatoes right now. I shouldn't be eating so much anyway. I don't need anything to eat. I'm not that hungry after all.
I should exercise. I'll do some crunches. And now I'll do some leg lifts. This is boring. I should do something more fun. I want to draw. But I really should just digital paint. But I really should just write. But I don't want to do any of that. I'll just play the video game. But now I don't feel like doing that anymore. So I settle on reading for a bit, and then when I've read a couple chapters, I'm back where I started. So I wash the dishes. But then I'll end up back in the same circles again...
I should clean up. Paladin doesn't notice when I clean up. What would Paladin notice? He'd appreciate it if I made him dinner. What should I make him for dinner? Oh, I could make him that. Except, I don't know when he'll be home. It'd be nicer to prepare it with him anyway. Besides, he might not want that for dinner, he might want something else. Well, what else might he appreciate... I should write him a letter and then hide it for him somewhere... Except that he'd never find it. And it's lame to just give him a letter for him to read right in front of me right away...
I should draw Paladin a picture. Except that he never appreciates my art. He doesn't understand what goes in to it. Porcupine understood... But Porcupine was a jerk who never appreciated me, so I shouldn't think like that or about that. I should just dress up for Paladin... But what's the point in that? Then I'll just be uncomfortable while he and I try to make food together or while we play games together. It might be worth it if he we going to enjoy having sex with me while I wore something sexy for him, but the chances are that he'll be too tired to want to have sex when he gets home.
I should meditate. I don't have the focus to do that right now. I want to eat, and I want to draw, and I want to do something productive, and I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something... I want to do something. So what should I do?
I need to wash. But to get really, really clean I'd need to soak for at least an hour in really hot water, and then I'd need to scrub really hard all over my body, and then I ought to shave my legs, and then I'd have to shower off, and then I ought to make the shower water nice and cool so my pores close back up again... That sounds like a lot of effort. I don't want to spend all my time in the bathroom. What else could I do?
I should do something to make myself more visible on the internet. How will I ever make a name for myself and start making my own income like this? But that's a stressful thought, so let's put that aside for now...
What's in my e-mail...? Oh, delete spam. Delete spam. Ah, an article my dad sent me. I should read that later, since that will likely turn into a project of me writing my own article about that article. Oh, so here's a short letter. I'll read and respond to that.
I'm hungry. I should eat something... How about a simple lettuce and chickpea salad... Sure... Whatever, that will do. I want to accomplish something, damn it!
A lot of my days seem to be like this... I want to finish a project, and yet the more I try to focus, the more flustered and irritated and distracted I become. And eventually I have inspiration for a new project and go off and focus on that, determined to finish before I lose focus. And before you know it, I'm no longer driven to do that either...
It makes me sick. I don't want to be this way. I need help.