Input Title Here
Monday, May 3rd 2010 at 2:43pm
I'm really stressing myself out about money. It costs so much just to live. Just to eat, and have a place to sleep out of the cold, to have running water, and to have electricity and internet and phone. Never mind how much it costs to live the way people often want to live, or try to live - with all sorts of clutter in their life that they paid for in money and in time.
I don't need a television. I don't have one. I don't need a fancy video camera, but I want one. I do need to eat, and I simply refuse to eat less than healthy. There is nothing in life without your health. I speak from experience in not having a life due to not having my health. And good food is expensive. Moving will be expensive. Getting married will be expensive.
I stressing out about it because...
Tuesday, May 4th 2010 at 8:39am
Artic Fox,
Hey, long time no chat already. :)
I'm back in Where-I-Am; have been for a while but Paladin's best friend came to visit - Snow Leopard; this beautiful Russian girl who I adore. And she was here for five days, and the apartment is a bit of a crazy disaster area between the Russian girl's antics, and my own stuff adding to the clutter and Paladin's lack of organizational abilities. So between entertaining Snow Leopard, cleaning and life's usual grind, I have not been doing my usual activities very much.
Anyway, how are you doing?
When is it that you, your daughter and your friend are going up North, exactly?
Any shows lately?
How is the trading going?
Speaking of the stock trading... Paladin wants to invest in some moral corporations; he's been interested in it for years but never got into it because he doesn't know enough about it and doesn't have the time during the day to find out since he's at work. Or, simplified; I'd like to learn learn what you'd teach me about it. :)
*hugs*
~Nuria Asha
Tuesday, May 4th 2010 at 2:02pm
Snow Leopard,
Hey lovely. I've been thinking of you a lot. I miss you.
You're commonly the topic of our conversations; he misses you too of course.
It meant a lot to me to be able to really talk to another woman. It's not something I've really experienced before. You made me feel so comfortable. Your exuberance and energy made me want to get up and dance at all times of the day. Such an incredible feeling.
I can't put words to how alive I felt to have you around. Bizarre, but having you and Jay both around is like having a real family... Like, the way families are supposed to be - laughing and cooking and playing together.
Perhaps I ought to call you... I just don't want to push you away by gushing over how beautiful and awesome and adorable you are... I've driven so many people away from me just by liking them too much; and I've never liked any woman as much as I like you in my entire life. Crazy... In five short days.
If you want to come back before August, I can pay for half your ticket; assuming it's not some super expensive ticket... >.< I'm afraid that's the best I can offer. My personal income is pretty shabby. >.>
I want to go ice skating with you. You can poke fun at my stumbling, and I'll be happy to see your smiling face.
~Nuria Asha
I almost wrote, “Snow Leopard, I love you,” at the end, but then I backspaced it out. I don't want to push too hard or weird her out. I can't stop thinking about her, and I hate how long it's going to be before I see her again. I'm afraid by August it'll be too late, and she'll be in a relationship and no longer interested.
Lynx writes me on May 2nd 2010 at 6:45pm;
Hi Nuria,
Sorry for my long silences. :(
Life over here has been extremely hectic of late. It's nearing crunch time for several soon-to-be-released projects at my work, so I've been scrambling to try and keep on top of things. (I used to be able to sneak a few hours to reply to messages while at work. No more... :( ) Add to that trying to spend time with my new slave (which could be going better... *sigh* We actually had a big argument the other night over the silliest thing. She'd watched Avatar and was really, really moved to tears by the movie. Somehow, she misinterpreted my reaction as me thinking her overly emotional and silly for getting so worked up about a movie, which wasn't the case at all! She's since apologized for blowing up at me, but a mixture of circumstances since then has meant that we haven't managed to talk to each other much since that night, so it feels like there's still something hanging in the air between us. I really, really wish that I were there with her, so I could pull her close against me and whisper to her that I'm sorry, that I forgive her, and then have hot, passionate make-up sex. With perhaps some spanking and other punishments. Mustn't let her think she can get away with raising her voice at Master. *grins*) and maintain my gaming and D&D hobbies... Well, it feels like I'm juggling a lot of balls, and I might have to drop one or more sooner or later.
But anyway, enough moaning. *chuckles* I'm glad that everything is working out so well for you and Paladin! :D I do very much know that feeling you're talking about. You feel like you've finally got a direction in life, something to aim for and work towards, and can finally start to enjoy the journey instead of worrying what's going to happen from here. I'm very happy for you guys. :)
"I think that's a good way to draw the line between the difference. It's one that is likely unremarked in most vanilla households."
I actually had quite a long discussion with my slave about this topic, and she actually views things differently. She sees slaves, submissives and bottoms as more of points along a D/s continuum; all three are firmly on the submissive side, of course, but the slaves are more on the extreme end of the submissive side, bottoms closer to the 'center', and with submissives somewhere in between. She views herself as somewhere between the slave and submissive points.
I can see the appeal of this system, but I'm not entirely convinced it's accurate. I'm more inclined to categorize slaves/submissives/bottoms based on what it is they want and need out of a D/s relationship, rather than a scale of 'how submissive are you'.
"Well, I'm sure there are many women who would vehemently disagree. But I have to wonder how much of that has to do with upbringing. How many of the same women who would argue that they don't have any need for a man who is superior in any way, would want one if they had been raised differently? And how many submissive women, or women who desire a strong “manly” man, would feel differently if they had been raised differently? That is to say, how strong of a role does genetics play in this?"
I feel that genetics plays a very strong role in a person's personality, but I certainly don't discount the effect that upbringing plays in a child's development. The best example I can remember of this was two identical twin boys who were separated at birth. One was adopted by a Jewish family, the other by a family who was a avid supporter of the Nazi regime. Obviously, they both had very different views on Jews and ideas such as racial superiority, but beyond that, it was discovered that their likes and preferences were remarkably similar. They both had the same favourite food, enjoyed the same music, and by extension, I suspect this would mean that they had the same preferences sexually.
Of course, as ambiguous as something as sexuality is, I can't be certain that genetic predispositions are all that matter when it comes to the development of sexual preferences. For instance, only a century or two ago, many, many men in China had a foot fetish, due in part to the (rather abhorrent, if you ask me) practice of foot-binding and the culture that promoted small feet as being sexually attractive. Despite being pure-blooded Chinese, I have zero interest in a woman's feet. (Heck, in the latest game I'm playing, Mass Effect 2? My favourite love interest is a young female of a race known as the Quarians. They have two-toed feet and a leg structure that make them look vaguely like chicken legs!) Would I think differently about feet were I raised in old China? Hard to say.
"Yeah. I love that Paladin is a gentleman in public, but it is somewhat disappointing that he can't be a bit more of an 'ass' around the home. He's just not as twisted as all of my exes were, on any level. He's completely normal in his mindset and attitudes. He has no violent tendency looking for an outlet. He has no desire to hurt anyone or anything. It really just keeps astonishing me over and over again."
Hehe. I know you really enjoy your men to be rough and violent, but I want to say... Cherish Paladin's gentle nature. The line between rough and abusive is very fine indeed.
"I'm not sure how Paladin will react to it, since he's never smoked before. If he reacts poorly, needless to say, I'll just quit for good. But it'd be nice to be able to smoke once a year to once a month. I wouldn't want to do it more than that."
Well, both of you are consenting adults. I have a pretty hardline stance against drugs myself, but I gladly accept the freedom of adults to make their own choices. :) Let me know how it goes!
"Well, I wouldn't mind dying so much. It's the pain that's usually involved that bothers me. Also, I worry more about having to live after losing people I care about than actually dying itself."
Hmm, I guess you would never want the blessing/curse of immortality then, even if you could choose one person to be by your side for the rest of eternity, because then you'd still have to see your parents/children/friends grow old and die.
"It's kinda like wanting your partner to initiate the sex because then you know they want it and are not just going along with it because they know you want it."
Haha, very well said. ;)
"However, I enjoy the violence and abusive methods of gaining cooperation so much that I've often wondered if I had been 'sold' or had an arranged marriage to a violent man when I was a young teen if I would have simply grown to love them anyway."
Have I ever talked to you about my views on reincarnation? I believe that some of the preferences we hold in life, especially ones which we have never had real experience with or would have no reason to like based on our upbringing, actually stem from experiences and memories we had in a past life. I think it's quite likely that you, in a past life, actually were in an arranged marriage to a man who was abusive and/or violent, but whom you loved and cared for anyway.
"I can understand that, but just incidentally... When I'm dropping into my submissive mind-set I look into my master's eyes (or down at his feet, depending) and think things like 'I owe you this,' and 'I have to do this,' and 'If I don't submit to you, I am useless,' and other degrading and obligating thoughts. My mind streams these types of thoughts generally the entire time. Rarely am I brought into a subspace so deep that the constant stream of, 'I deserve this,' stops."
And that's why I love submissive women. *sighs happily* Just knowing my slave and lover is thinking these thoughts never fails to stir my passions and make me happy.
I really must make more of an effort to reply more often. It's always great talking to you. :)
Your friend,
Lynx
I reply Lynx's letter on May 4th 2010 at 2:45pm;
Lynx,
Hey! I actually stopped checking this mailbox so often because I stopped getting replies often enough to warrant checking it as often as I was. I happened to be on here because I was looking at Snow Leopard's profile - a beautiful Russian woman - Paladin's best friend. Anyway...
“I used to be able to sneak a few hours to reply to messages while at work.”
Ah. That must make a nice break from the day; shame things have had to crunch down too much to allow it anymore. Work environments are entirely too stressful, in my opinion. They make you feel like it's not just your time you're selling, but your soul.
“She'd watched Avatar and was really, really moved to tears by the movie. Somehow, she misinterpreted my reaction as me thinking her overly emotional for getting so worked up about a movie, which wasn't the case at all!”
Sounds like she's fairly sensitive in general from everything you've told me about her so far. In person, it'd likely be a lot easier to properly communicate.
“Mustn't let her think she can get away with raising her voice at Master.”
Ah, indeed! I've been working at getting Paladin to behave more like a master, and less like such a perfect gentleman. The fact that he is such a gentleman, and will behave like one when we're out and about is plenty kindness for me. He's just so genuinely endearing and compassionate about every little thing.
Despite that though, I've managed to make some progress. While it's very temperamental, since he's not at all naturally sadistic or domineering, I've found that if I get him very aroused by being sweet and cuddly and teasing with him, and then change to harsh and violent bites and scratches he'll turn to force to stop me (since I've shown him that's the most effective way to handle me), and because he's already aroused and getting into the habit of punishing me, he'll turn to forcing me to suck him off. You'd think that I wouldn't like that or something, but somehow my attitude towards oral sex has completely changes with him. I actually love it more than I ever have before, and I begin to wonder why I have not loved it all along.
“It feels like I'm juggling a lot of balls, and I might have to drop one or more sooner or later.”
That does tend to be the case; and better to carefully set one down than to wait until it splatters on the floor. I try to keep my extracurriculars and extraneous contacts to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm juggling life. I'd be disappointed if I was the ball you felt you had to set down though.
“I actually had quite a long discussion with my slave about this topic, and she actually views things differently.”
I'm guessing that anyone would have their own definition since there isn't an official handbook for terms within the 'lifestyle.' Most simply put, some people feel inadequate and only feel value through being dominated and used, others feel they must fight until they lose to someone dominant to feel free from having to control, and more complex than that is the scale which your slave brought up; some feel this way once a month, others feel this way every minute of every day.
The important thing here to consider is how few people even realize that these differences exist, and worse yet, the huge quantity of people who don't realize that this is fairly rampant and fairly normal even and therefor don't recognize their own desires that are left unfulfilled.
“The best example I can remember of this was two identical twin boys who were separated at birth. One was adopted by a Jewish family, the other by a family who was a avid supporter of the Nazi regime. Obviously, they both had very different views on Jews and ideas such as racial superiority, but beyond that, it was discovered that their likes and preferences were remarkably similar. They both had the same favourite food, enjoyed the same music, and by extension, I suspect this would mean that they had the same preferences sexually.”
That's really fascinating. That would imply that taste and appetite are strongly genetic, and that it's opinion and perspective which are caused from influence.
“Hehe. I know you really enjoy your men to be rough and violent, but I want to say... Cherish Paladin's gentle nature. The line between rough and abusive is very fine indeed.”
That's exactly right. And I am undying grateful that I am with someone who isn't abusive... I think about that a lot; how lucky I am to not have gotten myself into an abusive relationship... Because I realize that all the things I crave are abuse. I like the psychological aspect of it just as much as the physical; being told I'm a toy, that I don't deserve better, that being used in my purpose in life, that I don't and can't have anything else, and even the phase where abusive men become soft and apologetic... I truly crave that abusive nature.
“I have a pretty hardline stance against drugs myself, but I gladly accept the freedom of adults to make their own choices.”
Well, we bought a bong and I smoked with him. He didn't get too high, which is good; just a light buzz. I got just high enough that my memory didn't blank, which is also good. I was much like my usual; giggly, giddy, hungry, horny. He was adorable; he became like a teenager - impulsive, playful, and singing as he went about everything he did. He seemed to smile a lot the entire time, and to laugh more easily. It took the hard calm edge off of him. Needless to say, it had a pleasant effect; and we barely smoked any at all. Like all of two dollars worth, if that. Which is good. Pot-heads - people who get high daily - will take five dollars worth of weed just to get buzzed, and another five to to get 'high' and another five to get 'stoned.' It's an expensive and destructive habit at that level, indeed.
But we've been good. Or rather, I've been good, since I'm the one tempted to more. We've only smoked the once, and I'm waiting for the third Saturday in May to do it again. Once a month, as I promised myself.
“Hmm, I guess you would never want the blessing/curse of immortality then, even if you could choose one person to be by your side for the rest of eternity, because then you'd still have to see your parents/children/friends grow old and die.”
True. But if I could keep one person with me, I'd still do it. Immortality isn't something one can say 'no' to lightly.
“I think it's quite likely that you, in a past life, actually were in an arranged marriage to a man who was abusive and/or violent, but whom you loved and cared for anyway.”
That's likely. I also find it likely that I was a rapist in a past life, considering how violent my fantasies have always been. I recommend reading Joan Grant's “Many Lifetimes” - it's an excellent read full of wisdom and fascinating anecdotes from her life.
“Just knowing my slave and lover is thinking these thoughts never fails to stir my passions and make me happy.”
Another I ought to add to the list is, 'I worship you.' I think that a lot while at my master's feet or while he's forcing me to do something. Oh! I should tell you about the punishment he gave me. *smiles wickedly*
I, of course, brought it on myself. I kept biting him, and touching his bare skin with my hands cold from cold drinks or cold water (not particularly on purpose, but not stopping when he told me to), and I had been testing him... Like a test of wills... Telling him to do things to see how he'll react... Trying to force him to retaliate, and take advantage when he doesn't.
He whispered into my ear as I was biting his neck, “You're getting yourself into trouble and you're not going to like the punishment.” That, of course, made me nervous, and I stopped biting him. He got off the bed and started ruffling through his things. Soon had me collared, leashed, with my hands bound behind my back and led me out into the 'office' area where I am now.
That worried me a lot at first. I hate carpet burns, so I was nervous that I was about to end up on the carpeted floor. To my surprise, he told me to kneel onto this strange chair he has. It's a chair intended for you to sit on it with your knees resting on a 'seat' of their own and your feet sticking out underneath you. It had never occurred to me that one could kneel on it facing the seat part, resting one's chest on the seat.
And as soon as I'm in position he took my leash and tethered it tightly to the bottom bar of the chair, so that my throat was secured against the edge of the seat with my wrists bound behind my back with my bottom exposed and up. And then, of all things, he wheels me right under the desk. I was astounded at how perfect a fit this was, with my wrists just barely pressing into the bottom of the desk.
He walks away. He returns. He fingers me, violently, and then brings me to orgasm this way. Walks away again. Returns, and without warning begins to fuck me with an anal toy. I screamed for mercy, and eventually he put it all the way in me, and left it there as he entered me. He fucked me senseless in this position. Something about it made my nose run uncontrollably. And then he cums in me and leaves me there while he goes to clean up.
It felt amazing to be so thoroughly used. It erased any doubts I might have had left about him not being able to satisfy me.
I hope you soon are enjoying similar pleasures with your slave in the flesh. :)
~Nuria Asha