My Perfect Paladin
Some kid from Lord's Online:
[PM]Azoth says to you: I was reading your blog and.. the whole inferiority complex piled on top of a superiority complex describes me pretty well. When I go out I find the smallest imperfection in people whether it be physical or mental and I build on it until I bring them down to the level I see myself as being. That makes me feel better about myself and reassures my philosophy that the world is crap, people are horrible and everything that is good is either spoiled, corrupted or dead. Like me. I lead a pretty solitary life, but its no ones fault. I choose it for myself and the more isolated I become the more I fear and hate everyone and everything that isn't part of my own prison. While we''re on that subject I'm not sure whats worse. The physical prison I've built for myself or the prison of my mind. When I was a kid I used to be really charismatic. I trusted people without a second thought and believed that there was indeed a benevolent god who watched over us all. But as I grew up I saw things that couldn't be explained by that.. philosophy. I grew bitter. At first I believed that god was punishing me for something I've done. The more I learned of the world the more I hate it and myself.
Monday, February 22nd 2010 at 11:51am
It's raining today here. It's fitful that it's raining, since today my father and I need to take care of the speeding ticket and the mix-up with registration of the car. It's not going to be a very fun or exciting day unfortunately. We're considering going to a local “haunt” today or tomorrow; and assuming everything is resolved, we'll be heading south on Wednesday morning.
We're currently staying at my Uncle Grizzly Bear's house, with Grizzly Bear and his wife Whale. Whale is a painter, and her house is filled with paintings; most depicting her husband, children or other family. Most appear to be oil, or possibly pigment paintings.
[4:16pm]
I'm cooking potatoes, carrots and onions on the stove with chives, bay leaves, dill, rosemary and thyme. It's going to make a nice dinner. I'm very happy that there are Trader Joe's here; here. I was able to find organic produce at reasonable prices there, and the store itself is very pretty with the painted walls.
[6:22pm]
Something I wrote on January 21st 2009; “Something that stuck me in “The Art of Happiness” that I just read was; one of the main causes of suffering is “resistance to change.” I guess that’s what’s going on here in my life. I need change, but I fear it. I’m afraid of regret.” I did end up regretting leaving Porcupine for quite some time, but not anymore. It feels so good to know in my heart, mind and soul that I am better off now. Finally.
Apparently it still hasn't sunk in all the way, because now and again I still feel these odd feelings that are similar to remorse, or sometimes just the melancholy that I feel while being single. That likely has everything to do with not living with Paladin yet... It's... It is tremedously painful for me to not be living with him currently, or to have any proposed date when I will be, or be doing anything towards making that happen... To not even know for sure that he will be willing to move to where I live at all... My heart just aches and aches when I think about that.
And so I try, not entirely in vain, to just focus on the memories of his kisses, his touches, the shape of his smile, the sound of his laughter, the feel of his touch, the look in his eyes when he looks at me, the tone of his voice when he says something kind to me... I think of the kind things he's said to me. His voice in my head... Telling me I'm beautiful... Thanking me for silly things, like passing him a blueberry... Reading to me the story of Tiffany and the Wee Free Men... I think of all the kind things he has done for me... Consenting to letting me rearrange his apartment, and helping me do so... Letting me eat as I liked... Buying me the things I was daring enough to ask for while we were out... Not getting mad when I put on his underwear... Brushing his teeth with a different toothpaste because I preferred the taste and texture of his spit after brushing with the same toothpaste I liked to use... Letting me trim his beard more to my own liking...
When I think of all of those things... My heart sings. Even now, just having written that paragraph I feel light and happy... Filled to the brim with love...
That he 'played along' and meditated with me. That he didn't fuss when I rearranged his kitchen. That he tried to get me to try new foods without forcing me or making me feel obligated. That he actually found a couple new things to like - fried Tofu, and avocados on bagels. That he's willing to read labels to check for sugar - and not just willing but remembers to do so and doesn't need reminding.
Despite his own abhorrence to being violent towards me in sexual situations, he's not only been willing to try it out, but has been willing to try to improve his 'performance' to my liking. He is willing to teach me new things, and to be patient with me even if I don't understand the first, second or even third time.
Ah, yes, indeed. Not a tiny shred of regret is left within me for Porcupine. I did do the right thing in leaving him - and I knew that all along. It was just so hard to believe it when night after night I was so alone... Not just alone in my bed, but alone inside my head... That I could bring nobody into my mind without a conflict of emotions. How wonderful it is to bring Paladin up into my mind and have such a wealth of pleasant thoughts.
[7:17pm]
I've been amusing myself thinking about how stubborn Paladin is, and also how adaptable and open he is. I'm like that too... Well, as the quote goes; “When it comes to matters of principle; stand fast like a mountain. When it comes to matters of taste; flow like a river.” But neither of our tastes flows quite so easily... And I expect my principles are more like that of a tree - bendable, shook by the wind, but ever returning to their order. Growing, changing - breakable, but only through great force.
[9:35pm]
Fox called me; wanted to see if I was still going to stop by his place on the trip. I told him I expected to be around there March 22nd, but wasn't yet sure. He also wanted to know more about what hydrogenated oil really is, and why it's bad. The simplest way to look at it is thus; it's a lot like eating plastic. Even if that isn't fully accurate, it's close enough.
He ended up talking about his girl, I ended up talking about Paladin. No surprises there. Ah, my love...
My train of thought as I sent it to Paladin; “I love my Paladin... He's so wonderful... He's so adorable... All mine... Well, sorta all mine, except for being all super far away. Grr. What to do? If I keep bugging him about how far away he is from me he'll just be as frustrated as I am. Grr. But I can't stop thinking about it... When will he be all mine... All of the time...? Every night...? *sigh* I should be grateful he's mine and stop being such a whiny b*tch anyway. He doesn't want to hear me being a brat. Stop being a petulant child... What if that is what I am though? ... Well, that's one of my trains of thought anyway, that seems stuck on a repeat.”