Brash, Harsh & Fickle
Tuesday, February 2nd 2010 at 5:02pm
Lynx Writes on... January 28th 2010 at 10:23pm
Hi Nuria,
"I'm so excited - I turn twenty-one in two days!"
Since I imagine you'll be quite busy on the day itself, an early Happy 21st Birthday to you, Nuria! I'd offer some birthday spankings, but I don't want to steal Paladin's present rights. *winks and chuckles* I hope the day proves to be memorable and full of fun and pleasure. (I spent my 21st pulling guard duty at my barracks! Oy... *chuckles*)
"It feels so amazing to find someone you really click with, especially after being single for so long, and previous to that being in a relationship that wasn't working anymore... So very long since I felt the way I do now."
I'm glad to hear that things are going so well! I'm pleased that both of you are matching up so well. :) Being in love with somebody you really click with, on a physical, emotional and mental level... It truly is the most wonderful, beautiful feeling in the world.
"You see, his family is Christian, and although he himself is not exactly as Christian, he hasn't told them that, and he's gone ahead and told his mother that I'm a Christian too so that she'll accept me instead of trying to talk him into breaking up with me. I'm a bit nervous about meeting her because I don't have any clue as to how I am expected to behave."
Are they very traditional/fundamentalist Christians? If so, I can certainly understand your hesitation and nervousness about being around them. I can't say that I approve of Paladin telling them that you're a Christian though; I've always believed that honesty is the best policy when attempting to forge new relationships, and things will likely be very strained if the truth comes to light. Still, I don't know his family, so he may know what he's doing. He'll probably have the best advice on how to make a good impression on his mother too.
"I will likely then come back here with him for several months, and then he will likely then move to WhereILive with me. Maybe. Hopefully."
Ah, so your original plan to move to be with him has changed then? :) It seems that you both have a good framework for moving forward, however, which is most pleasing to hear.
"His hair being even longer than mine is a bit of a challenge at times."
That... must be some very long hair. *blinks* That is, if your hair is still as long as it is in your photos!
"He says that I'm so awesome that it's hard to dwell for even a moment on anything he might not like about me, making it impossible to want to do anything but pleasure me."
He sounds a lot like me! *laughs heartily* I was often so enamored/in love with my ex that it was frequently hard for me to get into a Dominant frame of mind.
"But if no level of anger will flip any such switch in Paladin, do you suppose I can create one? I'm sure as hell going to try. It's essentially a crazy thing to try and do, but isn't that exactly what extremely kinky people are? - crazy?"
Personally speaking, I have my doubts whether you could create one if one does not exist. That said, I firmly believe that everybody has a 'breaking point' beyond which lies the savage, angry, even violent reaction that you crave. I advise great caution in trying to push Paladin beyond that point, however; there is a reason why religions and laws have always urged man to suppress and conquer that side of him, and it is because that side of us, the savage beast that lurks in all of us, is unpredictable, frequently unstable, and consequently extremely dangerous. Once someone unleashes that inner beast, it's possible they may never quite be the same person again.
Your friend, Lynx
I reply... February 2nd 2010 at 5:04pm
Lynx,
“I hope the day proves to be memorable and full of fun and pleasure.”
It looks as though my birthday just wasn't meant to be a day full of fun. I came down sick that morning and spent the day in bed. I mostly just kept feeling guilty for being such a drag.
“I can't say that I approve of Paladin telling them that you're a Christian though; I've always believed that honesty is the best policy when attempting to forge new relationships, and things will likely be very strained if the truth comes to light.”
My thoughts exactly. Although, I admit, it'd be hard having my mom calling me, bugging me and otherwise nagging me to leave someone I was in love with just because I told her the truth about their 'faith' or lack-there-of. I've come to understand why he did that, although when he first told me that he had told his mother this I felt like I had swallowed a truck - or at least felt like I had an over-sized pill lodged in my throat.
“Ah, so your original plan to move to be with him has changed then.”
The more I thought about moving out here, the less I liked the idea. Especially once I learned that none of his close friends or family lived here. He lives a nearly solitary life in this apartment, and while I personally can be a bit of a hermit, I don't see why he can't hermit wherever he goes, whereas I have a bunch of friends and family in my own home city.
“That... must be some very long hair.”
Indeed! His hair is perhaps four inches longer than mine, and mine is indeed the length that it is in my photos.
Well, I'm still recovering from my illness and seem to be out of thoughts. Until next time.
~Nuria Asha
Tuesday, February 2nd 2010 at 8:17pm
Life with Paladin is pleasant. It's a bit stressful knowing that this won't last the way it is now.
[11:49pm]
I had no idea that it was so late at night. Oh bother. Well, I was going to write some lengthy dramatic entry, but considering the time, I'd be better off going to bed.
But in short, I feel out of place - out of sorts... I feel like an invader with... incorrect everything. I feel ignorant, and unattractive - inadequate. He knows something is up, because I have no poker-face, but I haven't the heart to try and explain all the things he does which make me feel distant from him.
The way he touches me is sort of - brash? Is that the word? Perhaps. Short, and stilted; border-line virginal. Not at all sensual... Ah, yes. That it is - not at all sensual. That worries me. And he asks so many questions about how to do something - like how to kiss... “Was that right?” Makes me feel too much the teacher in the wrong sort of way... I don't mind showing, and I do like when he grasps, but it's painful to try and say “No, this way.”
Oh, look at me, complaining about nothing.
I understand in myself now so many of the things that Porcupine complained about me doing. He has many of my own issues... From a purely pragmatic sense; his genetics don't seem to do much to compliment my own - unfortunately there is no room in this world to consider another person's “genetics” - too much to consider by way of other practicalities, not to mention the fickleness of love.
It's going to be harsh to return home. For the first night I might even enjoy a bed with a reasonable number of pillows on it; but for every night after that I will only grow to resent the empty spot beside me more and more, and how I'm spending this time now looking at my own typed text instead of looking at him while he's here before me.
But it's frustrating to look at him...! I still feel like he is not mine. I still feel like I can not penetrate deep enough into his skin, into his heart, into his mind, into his soul... I can not ever seem to claim enough. It's infuriating.
I'm already trying to use sex as a way to feel close to him... But unlike Porcupine, he does not suddenly touch me any more passionately or sweetly because he's inside me... I'm not sure how to draw out the sort of touch I want from him at all. And why do I feel so bloody nervous about bringing anything up? I already feel as if it's all too much... Like I deserve to be hurt, not coddled.
It's mind-dizzying. Enough to make one want to hide under a rock it is. Well, I could stay and ramble and rant, but I should get ready for bed, and make some rash and ill-planned attempt to spill a little of my guts before going to sleep.