Darkness & Doubts
In This Entry:
...As an interesting point of interest, I've grown hyper-aware of the sensations I feel mentally - emotionally - physically - spiritually - whatever way you want to look at it; that is to say; I can feel the chemical reactions flying through my brain as I'm talking to Paladin.
...Still... It was as large as the first spider... The spider that began it all. The one that I saw New Years Eve two years ago... Exactly two years ago (excuse me while I get super-spooked chills)... Two years of spiders carrying more meaning that they should. Two exact years.
...Did I so quickly forget everything I learned from Ghost? I should think not.
...I need to stop abusing my privileges. All of them.
Thursday, December 31st 2009 at 3:58am
Paladin has just gone to sleep. I plan to finish reading Equal Rights and then try to do the same.
As an interesting point of interest, I've grown hyper-aware of the sensations I feel mentally - emotionally - physically - spiritually - whatever way you want to look at it; that is to say; I can feel the chemical reactions flying through my brain as I'm talking to Paladin. It's really quite incredible.
Beyond just saying “I feel a warm glow...” No... I feel a tingling starting at the base of my brain, where the brain connects to the spine... The tingling rises up to my brain and tingles in waves up through to my frontal lobe, and my heart wavers in my chest, and butterflies dance in my belly, and waves of chills begin to shoot down my spine as a relaxing, dizzying wonderful bliss spreads through my brain starting at the back and moving forward like the tide...
I am brought to giggles, as though I am orgasming - an orgasm of the mind. And because we're wired not just forwards but also backwards, I grow wet (if not horny.) And that, that is love. Does that make it any less spiritual? Nope.
Thursday, December 31st 2009 at 3:53pm
I'm cold. I'm even shivering a little. My hair is wet.
Warning: lots more bitching to come.
I woke this morning, screaming, quite literally. I dreamed I was in an apartment or hotel of sorts. An ancient antique looking mansion-ish place. There were to two ancient double beds. I was with a lot of people, and about seven of us sat on each bed. They were strangers to me. My mother had been with me, but she wasn't anymore for some reason. Perhaps she was in the bathroom. One of the group, or perhaps a guide of sorts, began to tell us about the history of the room.
Apparently a woman had been poisoned horribly and had died there. I began to get a bit weirded out. I noticed horrible stains on the bed that looked like they could have been spilled food and blood both. Then I began to smell a very awful smell... Like Lysol and something very toxic and potent mixed together... I mentioned this, and nobody else could smell it. It was just me. The guide seemed to indicate that I might have been smelling something the woman was poisoned with.
I was sitting on corner of the bed, feeling really freaked out and sick to my stomach. I notice carpet stains as well. I look back at the people sitting on the bed and they've vanished; there is a pale gray-skinned man laying on the bed instead, but nobody on the other bed seems to notice.
I scuttle off the edge of the bed between the two double beds, and then something grabs my hair (seemingly from under the bed) and I catch a glimpse of a pale rotting arm grabbing at me. There is darkness, pain and the sensation of being dragged. I call for my mom, but nobody answers. I scream, but nobody answers. I call for my mom again, and then scream again, and then I wake to hearing myself scream.
I was nonplussed when I awoke - disturbed by everything. I wanted to turn on my light, but I was taken with the fancy that the light would bite me if I touched it. I tentatively rolled over (afraid of what I may or may not see), and grabbed my phone. I called Paladin and got no answer. I shook, and debated, and shook some more.
My construction lamp was hanging, the way it is when I go to sleep so that I can reach it without getting out of bed. It allows me to read until I'm tired, and then just reach up and turn it off. The way it hangs can be a bit eerie, I discover. The fluorescent light that protrudes from it is almost like a white tongue coming out of a silver mouth...
I call Paladin again perhaps ten minutes later, still frozen to my bed. He answers this time. He's quiet and seems distant and uninterested in my antics. I guess I don't blame him for that, but I really could have used something a bit more reassuring than any of the nothing that he said. *sighs*
Finally, after about ten minutes of rambling my displeasure, I get over my disquiet enough to turn on the light. I decide (quite seriously) that my light would not bite me because it's my light and it's on my side. I get on Skype with Paladin for a while (after getting the internet to work which required calling my mom to reset the router). I make a small argument for why it would be nice for him to live here. He could have his own garden, for example. And his living expenses would be much less. He could finish his degree sooner, most like.
He hasn't outright denied the possibility, but with the day I'm having, I'm inclined to believe I shouldn't bring up the thought again for a good, long, long time. At least until after we meet in person. That would be a bit more logical.
Paladin and I get off Skype (via his router crashing and him saying he should spend time with family) and I go on to put potatoes and carrots on for dinner. I smelled something rotting and couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't anything I bought yesterday. It wasn't anything in the fridge, sink or trash... It wasn't on the stove. I pull down off the wall the pot I need to cook the potatoes in, and then discover the source of the smell. The pot was hung up completely filthy. Yuck. No idea how that happened.
I go to use some broth from the already-open container and discover it's frozen. I tossed it ought - no use trying to save it. When it thawed (if it wasn't spoiled) it would taste entirely different. Also had to toss half a carton of orange juice this morning. I'm done drinking from the jug - makes it spoil too fast.
As I'm washing dishes a giant daddy-long leg spider decides to dangle it's way down to join me. After weeks without a single spider, I'm very shocked, unhappy and spooked. The dream, the internet, the spoiled smell, the broth, the orange juice... Now a giant spider. I kill it successfully at least.
...Still... It was as large as the first spider... The spider that began it all. The one that I saw New Years Eve two years ago... Exactly two years ago (excuse me while I get super-spooked chills)... Two years of spiders carrying more meaning that they should. Two exact years. Christ. Why?
...I go to take a bath and the water refuses to get hot. I call my mom up again (feeling a bit silly now after having called her about the internet, and having called her to help get my fridge turned down - which requires special tools) and ask her if it's possible to do something to make the water hot. Perhaps she could turn up the heat level in the basement? She informs me that the cause is undoubtedly that she ran a wash recently and that there is nothing to do but wait.
Annoyed, I wash anyway. I'm not nearly as clean as I would be if the water had been truly hot. If it had been truly hot I would have soaked for a good thirty minutes before washing, and then I would have been three times as clean. I drained the tub much sooner than is usual for me, and proceeded to shower. I decided to wash my hair despite having forgotten to brush it first. I got a decent amount of shampoo in my right eye. This is also something that hasn't happened in a long time - months at least. My eye hurt for a while even after the bath.
Nothing “bad” has happened since that at least. I came upstairs and proceeded to give myself a manicure and pedicure. I needed to calm my nerves with something simple and soothing, and my nails needed the TLC anyway. (Tender Love & Care - something I forgot what it meant entirely until I heard Dragon use the phrase.)
I'm feeling extremely nervous, and disquieted. I just want to go back to sleep and have pleasant dreams now. My stomach hurts from hunger. I had intended to have a salad right after my bath, but just didn't have the stomach for it after the spider, lukewarm water, and shampoo in the eye. I still don't feel up for a salad. I don't feel up for anything. I want to crawl under the covers and hide. If I had something on my DVR recorded to watch, I'd watch it. But nothing is new; I checked last night.
Jesus, and now I look at the time and it's exactly 4:20pm. The spirits are really trying to get my attention today. Seriously. That's a strange phenomenon that had stopped, and now it chooses to reassert itself? Chills, chills, chills.
Mom informed me during one of the conversations on the phone that she was going to meditate with Sheep today as some point. While cleaning my nails I have an epiphany - I need to join them (of course). It's quite obvious the spirits have a very important message for me. It's critical that I learn what it is. I have my suspicions, but I could really use a defining vision to help solidify one theory or another - or perhaps to show me something I've missed entirely. I've seriously been neglecting my energy... It's something I'm not very happy about.
Did I so quickly forget everything I learned from Ghost? I should think not.
I need to stop abusing my privileges. All of them. I should actually try to be faithful, at the very least. I mean, calling Dragon the way I did was really... Contemptable. I'm so much, much better than this. I sleep too much. I talk too much. I need to meditate more, exercise even more, eat more vegetables, clean more, and stop being such a whiny little bitch. And I ought to make a New Years Resolution... What on earth should it be?