Temporary Bliss
Thursday, October 29th 2009 at 3:33am
Porcupine visited me today, so I don't feel like shit anymore. (I just wanted to die last night.) Temporary as everything is, I'm not inclined to care about that anymore. Sometimes getting from one day to the next is just enough. I think it may actually be kinda better right now... We're both aware that we have other people in our lives, but we're also both aware of how much the other person cares... If that makes sense. I explained to him how I've been feeling and why... And said that if he loved me he'd spend a night a week with me to keep me company and sane... And he said he could do that.
Of course, I don't take his word to mean shit. But I choose to take comfort in it as best as I can without actually expecting anything.
I was so messed up last night... It's insane how crazy I get from this withdrawal of affection. You know how I got to sleep last night?
It was insanely difficult. I kept crying, and crying, and feeling worse and worse and just not getting anywhere. So I began to speak aloud: "I am beautiful. I am happy. I love my life. I will have everything I want. I already have everything I want. I love myself. I will go to sleep. I will have beautiful dreams. I will wake up and feel good and have energy." And then I just kept repeating those things over and over in no particular order until I fell asleep.
And you know what's nuts? I actually woke up feeling decent too. It only took like saying four of those statements before I stopped shaking. It's amazing what the spoken word can do. It doesn't even matter if you believe what you're saying or not either. It's like saying it aloud over and over makes you believe it's true.
Currently I have two prospects that are mildly improving my mood. It's strange how the prospects fade in and out so rapidly. Cerylidae, Incubus... I considered Squirrel for a short time a while back. I tried things out with Wolf.
I'm really happy I did that thing where I searched for only black matches for shitz and giggles. That one dude I discovered who is gorgeous as hell is an excellent match for me and so far we're having lovely conversations. As for any talk between me and someone overseas, I try not to get my hopes up, but... I'm feeling kinda happy about that too.
And the other guy is local. We had a second date a few nights ago. He's thirty-three which originally made me dismiss him, but now I realize that I can't make age an issue too. I already have too many other standards that are hard to meet, and if age is the only hang up, then who really cares? Anyway, I gave him a short little kiss at the end of the second date as encouragement, so he knows I have not stuck him in the "friend zone."
And the Writer's Meeting today was pretty nice. As usual, the snacks, readings, and dicussion was superb. And I have the Halloween Party at Ginny's house this Friday to look forward to as well as games with Asa and Sarah tomorrow. So it looks like my week may not be too bad.
So overall, I'm in a decent mood. In fact, an astoundingly good mood considering that it's 2:40am and I'm all by myself. At this very same time last night I was... Inconsolable.
Thursday, October 29th 2009 at 10:23am
I woke up expected to have a doctor's appointment that didn't happen, so when it turned out that I'd be going tomorrow, I played World of Warcraft instead. I started in on Wailing Caverns with some people around my level, and we killed one boss and then shortly thereafter had a full party wipe. Then we started back out into the cavern, and someone realized that they needed to go to their trainer. I realized that my sword had broken when I died. And someone else wanted to get lunch. So we took a fifteen minute break to go our separate ways. Then we returned. It took us until seven-twenty to finish the dungeon. At that point my friend had just showed up for board games. I only just now got upstairs after one game of Stone Age and one game of Ghost Stories. We lost Ghost Stories miserably (a co-op.) And I won Stone Age by a landslide (with 297 points, second place took about 189, and third place took about 135.)