Depressed... Again
Sunday, October 25th 2009 at 1:07pm
Pony: How are you?
Me: Doing okay
Pony: Wanna elaborate?
Me: Actually, I've been in a hellish depression this past week.
Last weekend I was just extremely lonely. Without currently have school or work to force me to socialize, and with the weather turning cold... I just have had less motivation and less reason to get out of bed than I've had in a long time. It's been hard to force myself to do anything at all. I already have had trouble making myself cook for myself. There have to be other people who want me to cook to make me want to do it. In fact, I like cooking for others, but cooking for myself just feels so completely wrong somehow. That's been something I've been struggling with for a long time. But now absolutely everything is like that. Unless someone else prods me, it's like I have to wrestle myself to do anything.
Pony: mmm. I know how the cooking thing goes. I've been spoiled. When Hedgehog was in Toronto yesterday I just barely ate, because I was too lazy and felt like I had no reason to make anything.
Me: Yesterday I spent an hour just sitting up. That was all my mental effort would make me do. Not go back to sleep. I turned my computer on and just stared at it, hoping it would give me a reason to be awake. Eventually I started talking on IM slowly (after the first forty minutes of doing nothing). It's actually helped me that my mom was sick, because I had to get out of my room to cook for her.
Me: Come September first it will have been eight full months since I left Porcupine. I just can't believe I'm still single. I can't believe I'm still miserable. I can't believe I still miss him constantly. Meanwhile, I believe he's starting to see a girl, which just makes it worse.
Especially because this girl has all the opposite things in common with him than me. She can relate to the side of him that I just don't want to exist. I mean, yes, I'd be pissed if he started dating a carbon copy of me, but at least he could learn from another woman like me, whereas this girl... She's basically a slightly cultured hood rat.
Pony: Then you should feel all the more justified for leaving him
Me: I do feel justified for leaving him. I just also feel lonely and miserable. If he really starts dating her, it will make him a worse person. It'll be like an influence I had on him was for naught.... And I should be banned from using the world miserable. I use it too much. I need other words... Wretched... Distressed... I could say pitiful, but that's already in my alias, so I always feel like it's overused. ^.^
Pony: Haha! Sorry... I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune. Also, just don't give up.
Me: I was cracking at a joke at myself, so if ya don't laugh, it'd suck. Well, that's exactly what I'm struggling with - not giving up. There are so many things I want to accomplish that being depressed like this is kinda like giving up on most of those things because I'm not working towards most of those things. I'm spending way too much time wallowing, but everytime I try to do something productive I either end up breaking down into a further state of disarray, or I end up just not doing anything.
Pony: You know what. I've been sitting on something for too long.
Me: What are ya sitting on?
Pony: There is a girl I should introduce you to.