Outgoing Boundary Violations
Reflections on the five love languages as they pertain to writing someone a letter:
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A letter has the capacity to be a gift, quality time, or words of affection.
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It is a gift it to me if it explores aspects of who I am, and what I am.
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It is quality time if it shares who you are, what you are, or how you feel.
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It is words of affection if it praises me and makes me feel special.
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. . .
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To Hibiscus & Paladin -
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So I'm watching one of Teal's new videos, "I Can Have Me and I Can Have You Too."
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It occurs to me that Paladin had incoming boundary violations as a child - not being allowed to have his own desires, wants, values, opinions, etc.
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I had "outgoing" or distancing boundary violations. This is what Teal described as, "I'm going to violate our connection by distancing myself from you unless you behave in ways that I like."
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I'm so familiar with this "distancing boundary violation" technique as a being normal, and perhaps even have a subconscious distortion that believes it is a good way to manage one's relationships, since that was my proposed motivation for Hibiscus's blacksmithing. ("You make progress each week or I cut you off from our connection for a solid day out of the week.")
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It also occurs to me that I'm terrified of this sort of treatment being applied to me, and I expect it. I expect it so thoroughly that I emotionally interpret distancing as intentional punishment . . . even when the distancing was unrelated to my actions.
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I think this greatly ties into my sex addiction. It is continual proof of being accepted through closeness. Over time, without it, I feel emotionally rejected even if everything else is fine.
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It seems that my other measure of closeness is how open I feel I can be with what I say. I'm supposing that my consciousness is actually interpreting "not allowed to say that" as an outgoing/distancing boundary violation.
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The reasoning goes like this: If I can't say that to them, then they must be distant from me. If they are distant from me, then it must be that I am doing something wrong. If they used to be more close to me than they are now (i.e. I used to be able to say anything, but now I can't), then I must have horribly fucked up in the mean time, and now they're rejecting me.
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In the case of someone who has "enmeshment trauma" (as Teal puts it), they try to develop independence to an unhealthy degree. I know this applies to Paladin. Does it apply to you as well Hibiscus?
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It is hard for me to pinpoint if it does, because this part applies to me so strongly, also seems to apply to Hibiscus: Teal explains that those who suffer severe outgoing boundary violations learn to use boundaries as bargaining chips. For example, "Even though I hate ____, I'll do it for you, because it means I still get to have you."
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I actually take perverse pleasure in forcing myself into your expectations and hopes for me. What does that mean, I wonder?
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Teal, of course, mentions the classic example of this: Women will completely abandon their sexual boundaries in order to feel guaranteed connection. It makes me think of Dolphin, who has reported that she's repeatedly had sex with men she didn't really want to have sex with, but can't seem to figure out how to say no to them.
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I feel like I've moved from being subconsciously that, to somewhat resisting that, to being consciously that to the degree where neither of you (as far as I can tell) require any sexual boundaries being broken in order to desire me and want me around. And yet . . . I seem to crave those boundaries being broken. It's as if I'm convinced that a boundary of mine has to be pushed in order for connection to be guaranteed, like I'm addicted to the barter itself.
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Perhaps, in reality, we all experience some outgoing and some incoming boundary violations from our parents, and it is the dominant violation that holds more sway. But in Hibiscus's case, I'm wondering if you've been impacted by both fairly equally, because I feel like both sides of the story that Teal is depicting apply to you. That you're willing to be walked all over for connection, and yet also afraid that connection with others will allow them to control you.
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Thoughts?
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~ Nuria