Tengiz
[Monday]
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In the time I spent with Tengiz and Avani at their house in Sunnyland, Tengiz gave me a lot to think about. Privacy. Identity. Judgements and how those impact our self concept. Raw food as Earth Worship.
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"When a man ejaculates," Tengiz said, "he gives his life-force to the woman. He ages. There is a formula I can show you for how often a man can ejaculate at what age to maintain balance."
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Hibiscus, I thought, feeling uneasy. I saw his face in my mind. Tengiz was the same age, and yet they easily looked a decade apart - Tengiz looking far younger. I don't want to age my Hibiscus. I want to revitalize him. I want to make him feel, look and act younger.
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My heart clenched. But I want him. I live for the pleasure he brings me. I want nothing like I want him fucking me.
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I felt disconcerted and missed what Tengiz was continuing to say. Does that make me a sex addict? I wondered.
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Avani chimed in, "The woman absorbs him and is energized. Our bodies want to orgasm and collect all the sperm. We're receiving. The man is giving."
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I blinked. It was uncanny, how Nelum had been telling me the same thing only the day before yesterday. Different words - same concept.
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I thought back to the proclamation that I was a succubus. When I was fourteen someone in the circle of people I knew then called me that. Squirrel, Wolf and Unicorn all agreed that it was apt.
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Over the next couple days I contemplated it at length and decided it was true. I felt more alive when seducing, being seduced, fucking and being fucked than I did at any other time. I could only pinpoint one other feeling in me that vied for priority - deep, true connection on a spiritual level.
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The way Paladin danced and lost himself in the music while I watched, staring at him intently as he performed his soul for me. That feeling. That warmth in my heart, that sense of losing myself in his being, that powerful empathic outward focus.
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"In a way," I said to Hibiscus (after returning to Silverstag Eco Hamlet), "they're the same thing for me. Both involve losing myself. Both involve one part of my consciousness running off and having an experience isolated from many parts of me. It hyper-activates awareness in certain ways, and drowns out awareness in other ways."
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Nuria, the succubus. Sure, it was part of me. I smiled. I could accept that. It was as I had said to Nelum: "I want to enjoy the journey. Yes, we're all headed back to source energy where all will be unconditional love again, but the whole point of being here is to experience the delicious contrast between unconditional love and everything else. I am in no hurry. I'll evolve whether I try to or not. I'm in a process of accepting myself as I am. I don't need an agenda to change myself."
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Not anymore, I thought. I've found the key - embracing my darkest parts and relishing them even as they hurt me and cause drama. The pain, loss and drama doesn't cause me to suffer when I love it, when I cherish it, when I savor the contrast between that and love.
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From that place of appreciating contrast, I found myself able to look back on the past few days as an exciting, worthwhile adventure. From that perspective, I could appreciate who I was, and love myself - inner succubus very much included.
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Tengiz had also given me much to reflect on when he shared his perspective on raw food. "When I eat raw food," Tengiz said, "I'm eating gifts from the Earth. The gifts are given in a whole, live state. How would you feel if you gave me a beautiful, perfect, present, and I burned it on a fire before I ate it? It is honoring the Earth to eat its gifts in the way that they come."
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This perspective reminded me of reading Anastasia. In the book the Russian woman eats fruits and nuts directly from the trees without chopping, preserving, blending, cooling or heating. That seemed like the cleanest connection with the Earth I'd ever heard of.
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Tengiz spoke the words, and radiated sincerity. Yet I could help but think of the unnatural substances in the kitchen. All the so-called raw foods that were processed and heated and yet still considered "raw" just because they were not roasted. Tengiz knew about these things, and cared about them, and yet he bent his own rules at times.
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It isn't about finding the most elite and perfect path, I thought. It is about finding my own way to honor myself, love myself, and through that, honor and love the Earth, the universe and the creatures that populate it.
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I looked at Tengiz lovingly. If he were not in a monogamous relationship with Avani, I might have pursued him. I paid close attention to him, my interest keen over the day and a half that I spent there.
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I knew we were not compatible, however, when he explained this: "Some parts of me are just for me," Tengiz said. "I don't feel the need to share everything I feel, or that I experience. When I have an amazing experience and then I share it, I corrupt how it felt to me through putting it to words, through opening it up to examination by another person. Moments that were for me and only for me have no need to be shared.
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"This maintains me as a separate entity from others. I have my own experiences, desires and beliefs. I don't need other people's judgments cluttering up my sense of myself."
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Tengiz told me about going on trips just to spend time with himself. The concept intrigued me. Do I lack in a sense of self because I am always seeking to share everything with someone else?