New Me: A Pixie
Monday night (one of our last evenings together in February before Hibiscus would go off on another work trip and I would head to Sunnyland to visit Nelum) Hibiscus and I laid together in my bed. He read to me two and a half chapters from Hammer with God. We were two-thirds of the way through the book. It was far enough into the trilogy to talk in earnest about the concepts talked therein.
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"I notice something has changed since you cut your hair," Hibiscus said.
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"What's that?" I asked.
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"You're talking more easily, sharing your thoughts without agonizing over how you say it. You're more willing to just let me take away from your words whatever I will, instead of trying to get it perfect."
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I started into his bright blue eyes and nodded agreement. "You're right," I said. "The fear is gone." I chuckled. "It seems strange that I've really been so terrified that you'd just throw me out at any time."
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It seemed that the dreadlocks had not only brought to the surface my inner-child's joy and delight, but also her insecurity and fear. With the dreadlocks no longer obscuring my field of vision or weighing down my head, I felt more sure of myself. I felt more sure of Hibiscus.
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I talked and talked to him as he fell asleep. I even talked of Panda, detailing what had happened with him for the first time. It wasn't until that night that I was finally able to admit that I had fallen in love with Panda and that I was anguished by realizing our connection was so shallow. Panda wasn't beautiful enough to have a shallow relationship with. There was no purpose in that.
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Tuesday morning I finally wrote about my experience with Panda. It startled me how vivid some of my memories were. I looked around for what else had happened near that time. All I found from that same month was written a couple weeks later, which detailed at length my disillusionment and dissatisfaction with Paladin. (I've posted that here. Hibiscus, my love, I think you might find these two posts I've linked interesting. Or at least, I'm flattered when you read my writing and tell me your thoughts about it.)