Shameful Desires
Thursday afternoon, feeling agitated, I sat on my bed before my black and white, rolling computer set-up, and wrote.
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. . .
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I got new slippers in the mail today. I really want to be excited about them, but I can't. I'm sad. Hibiscus might be leaving on another overseas trip next week, and I want to cherish this time with him, while he is here, and yet I can't. I'm too bloody sad.
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This sadness . . . Where does it originate?
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On my birthday - Saturday - I felt like I wanted to be dominated, violated, humiliated . . . I asked Hibiscus for that. He said he couldn't. Not right then, not that day. I felt stunned. Hurt. Hurt, but not in the way I wanted to be hurt. I sunk into the pain, as it was all I had. I repressed my insatiable desire.
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I woke up on Sunday still feeling like I wanted that - to be humiliated, shamed, hurt . . . I asked Paladin if perhaps he could . . . He wouldn't. Hibiscus still wouldn't. I shut down inside. I felt hurt, but not in the way I wanted.
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It is proof that my desires are shameful.
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I was incredibly aroused again on Tuesday, and I tried to seduce Hibiscus during his workday. He was too busy. He told me to wait. Come evening, after my dance classes, I didn't care anymore.
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Wednesday I walked into Paladin's room and he had porn on his screen. Paladin and I have not had sex in over four weeks - since December. I thought perhaps it was a good time to go to him in that way. He just became ashamed and soft in my hand. He couldn't tell me why.
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Then today, Thursday, Hibiscus came to me on his lunch break. I was feeling sad and disinterested in sex. He curled up with me. Paladin came in and curled up behind me. At first I felt loved and the moment was sweet.
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Then desire formed. I felt my breathing quicken. My hips started to rock. Then suddenly I realized I was wishing for something that I couldn't have. Something that would make Paladin feel violated. I thought of that first time at the poly gathering when I had slept with Basket Bear beside Paladin. Paladin forgave me, but it wasn't easy. He was angry and hurt.
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I want that. I've wanted it so much, and it is not allowed, not okay. Why are desires so painful? I desire sex in ways that hurt others. And other people's desires hurt me - their music, their fires, their foods. My own food desires hurt me too. Why?
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I've been constipated for days. I started today with an enema. I don't get it. I'm drinking a half gallon of water most days, a whole gallon on some days. I'm giving myself belly massages. I'm eating ten to twenty ounces of greens per day, two to five apples a day, and limiting dehydrating foods. I've eaten no more than a handful of nuts each day.
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Of course, I've been eating my home-made granola, but that is mostly dried apple and dried raspberry. No sweeteners, no honey, no baking, not even fully dried, and enhanced with things with schisandra berries, cranberries, and ginger.
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I'm getting more exercise than I have regularly gotten in well over a year. I could blame the raw goat milk, but it seems that no amount of healthy lifestyle can make up for this heaviness in my heart - which causes my bowels to stop emptying themselves. After all, aches of the heart have to cause aging somehow. So why not by drying me up and causing my problems with pooping?
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Maybe I'm manifesting all the wrong bacteria through my self-repression.
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Hibiscus said my eyes looked blood-shot last night after I attended a Silverstag Infrastructure meeting with him. He asked if I was upset about something.
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Yes, I thought desperately. I'm very upset, but I don't know how to access it.
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"Not that I know of," I said. "I was just thinking that the light was bothering my eyes though."
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Hibiscus turned on the little bedside lamp and turned off the overhead light. It felt like a small relief. Inside, the tightness remained.
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Inside, the tightness remains.
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I tried to get Paladin to help me a little today, after Hibiscus had sex with me, after I showered. I felt so numb. I breathed more deeply, but I didn't feel more deeply. I spoke a little, but not more freely. I explored some thoughts, but they seemed like ordinary thoughts.
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Actually, I was depressed last Thursday too, when Hibiscus was in Sunnyland. It was exactly one week ago that Hibiscus's cat bit me really hard in the morning when I went to put him out. It made me feel unwelcome in my own home. It made me feel powerless and afraid. It made me resentful.
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Why should I have to look after that cat? Why should I have to wake to it meowing, and clean up its fur, and clean its kitty litter, and let it outside, and let it inside, and feed it, and help maintain its training, and get bitten as well?
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Because I fell in love with Hibiscus and decided to move in with him. That was my choice.
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But I didn't know his cat would be such a pain in my ass.
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What other things do I not yet know?
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I feel so hopelessly melancholy. No tears. Impotent anger boils inside me and hides when I try to look at it. I want to eat desperately. I always crave food desperately. That is why I eat so damn fast, barely chew my food, and feel dissatisfied afterward.
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For two months he let me buy whatever I wanted. I wasn't constipated then. Paladin also wasn't here then. What is happening to me? What is going wrong?
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I'm hardly working at all for White Whale anymore. But come to think of it, it really upset me that he has decided to essentially cut me loose altogether just because I agreed to be on a huddle that I ended up not making due to extreme circumstances. Or at least, it is pretty damn unusual of me to be out from eight o'clock in the morning until well into the afternoon.
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Bit by bit he's shorted me. I feel like White Whale has hardly ever appreciated me, or the work I've done for his company.
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Why does it seem like I spend just as much time, if not more time, being lonely with Paladin and Hibiscus both here than I did when having just one or the other of them?
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. . .
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That night Hibiscus drove Paladin and I to Sanctuary of Dance. It was Hibiscus's first time, and Paladin and I's fourth time. I felt unusually social.
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It was our first night of three nights in a row of dance. We danced the next night at The Root, and then attended a "Dances of Universal Peace" on Saturday. All three of us felt like it was a bit much.
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I liked dancing. I liked them both being with me. And yet my heart yearned for the slow and easy evenings I'd spent with Hibiscus during our initial weeks together.
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Thankfully, it turned out that Hibiscus would not need to go overseas next week. We'd have another week and a half before he had to go on a work trip.
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I will find a way to slow down and spend more time connecting with him again, I thought, feeling resolved. Somehow.