Turning Twenty-Seven
The morning of my birthday I woke and checked the time. It was around seven o'clock. Hibiscus won't be back from the airport for hours yet, I thought. I went back to sleep and woke again around ten o'clock. I dressed in my "wasabi dress" - a custom-made organic cotton dress I had ordered off of Etsy with the money Hibiscus gave me for Christmas.
.
I'm not going out, I argued with myself as I put it on. But it is my birthday, and I'll do what I want.
.
I went downstairs to straighten up in the kitchen a little bit before Hibiscus got back. It is my birthday, I should make Paladin do it, I thought. Then, arguing back with myself I thought: But he is asleep, and I want this done now. It's my birthday and I'll do what I want.
.
I put away the dishes in the rack, did a few dishes, peeled myself an orange and skimmed some cream off the top of a jar of goat milk.
.
I returned to my room and folded clean bedsheets and put them away. I turned to my computer and noticed a new message from Iskuzai, a charming young man with bright-blue eyes who I had met at The Root at the same time I had met Xenia the first time. I had seen them dancing together.
.
On Tuesday I had mentioned to Iskuzai, "This Saturday is my birthday. As my presents, I've asked my husband and my fiance to both speak in accents all day long, as I rather enjoy that!"
.
And, true to their words, they did speak to me in accents all day long. Hibiscus did so without reminder, whereas Paladin required reminding. Hibiscus was too hard on himself when he claimed senility or poor memory, I thought. He seemed to have a better memory than any love I'd ever known.
.
The day before my birthday, Iskuzai replied, "Wow, sounds so nice! I didn't know you were married and had a fiancé! Very neat. Your eyes when you look at me sometimes betray a certain sense of attraction. You must be polyamorous then, huh?"
.
I smirked, reading that. I told Paladin about it on my birthday. "Iskuzai is pretty bold. I thought he was a lot like Macaw, but Iskuzai is certainly different in that respect." Although, in truth, what Iskuzai perceived as attraction was more likely curiosity. Yes, I found him pleasing to the eye, but I hadn't been aroused or desirous when I looked at him - merely curious to know who he was and what he was about.
.
But it doesn't hurt that he thinks I have the hots for him, I thought. I probably could have the hots for him.
.
I replied, "Yes, I am polyamorous. I've been wondering if you and Xenia are together. You're both very attractive people."
.
I bragged to Paladin about my response: "I thought it was clever to phrase it as I did. I deflected his comment about being attracted somewhat by including Xenia in it, and I also conveyed that I'm bi-sexual, or at least, hinted at it. I also hinted at my curiosity about his and her relationship status, and if they're poly, and if she's bi." I felt smug, as I always did when I felt I implied a lot with a simple sentence.
.
Izkuzai replied, "Why thank you! I'm not together with her in the sense of dating her. We have been lovers, which has been great. Very special relationship between us. I love her, and she loves me - dearly. Thank you for inquiring! I'm curious about your relationship style also! What's the best part about being poly?"
.
This last message was the one I saw the morning of my birthday. I composed a reply to him, the one piece of writing that I would write on my twenty-seventh birthday:
.
. . .
.
Izkuzai,
.
Ah, so I did see love between you two. I thought I had, but I also wondered if perhaps the two of you were poly, or unicorn-hunting at least.
.
I think the best part of being polyamorous is breaking through all the old programming and feeling free to discover my own authentic "rules" for living. Old programming says I have to be "everything" for my partner, and that being a good partner is tantamount to being a "good person." Yet, what do I say? I'm finding my own answers and trail-blazing my own path. Carrying on two relationships simultaneously has shattered a lot of my illusions about what love is, what a relationship is, and how things "should be" in relationships. [Smiles.]
.
A close second to that is how the contrast between my partners keeps me more in love with both of them. One is very spiritual and not very interested in sex, which can be infuriating if you don't have anyone else. The other is more of a nymphomaniac like myself, but we have trouble connecting spiritually at times. I would prefer if I could have both of these with both of them, but it takes the pressure off of either of them to "be everything" for me, allowing them to be what is authentically them.
.
Today is my twenty-seventh birthday. This is significant to me as no birthday has been since I turned eighteen.
.
When I was fourteen my first love had this idea that he would die when he was twenty-seven, or perhaps be reborn. He was very connected. We meditated a lot. I believed that he was feeling something real.
.
When I was sixteen I had a meditation at a Gentle Yoga class within a Unitarian Church. During that meditation I was shown an incredible silver locket (while swimming beneath the ocean) that represented the man I would one-day marry, and another locket - a huge locket - that represented the house I would one-day own. At that point in my life I was going through the worst turmoil and hardest relationship of my life, so I wanted to know more than anything: "When?" And I was told: Twenty-seven.
.
Later, I wondered if that meant he would be twenty-seven when I met him, because at the age of twenty I married Paladin, who was twenty-seven at the time. Also, my third love - who came right before Paladin - was twenty-seven when I left him.
.
When I was twenty-three I developed a desire to have someone else in our relationship, or at least the freedom to have sex with my third love, who I missed and was pretty certain would sleep with me if I sought him out. We considered ourselves monogamous at the time.
.
I meditated a lot and did a series of tarot readings for myself. I was told that I would not be able to have another partner successfully - I would not be ready - for four years. Which landed squarely on being twenty-seven.
.
I also feel as if the entire year of being twenty-six was highly transitional, turning all my previous identities on their head. And now I'm a new me, in a new era of my life. [Smiles broadly.]
.
I feel inclined to share all of this with you. Make of it whatever you will and bless you for your uniquely divine interpretations!
.
- Nuria
.
. . .
.
When Hibiscus got home he asked me what I wanted to do with my day.
.
"Everything," I said. "I want to work on my dreadlocks, be read to, have sex, paint, tap dance, write, and cuddle with you and Paladin."
.
Hibiscus smiled. "What would you like first?"
.
"You."
.
Hibiscus had sex with me in my wasabi dress. I spent time working on my hair while he napped, creating extensions from hair I had kept from over ten years ago. Hair I had cut off when I was fourteen and wanted to please Wolf, my first love, who felt that my hair was annoying and tickled his nose too much.
.
We had sex again after his nap. He spent time reading aloud to me from Hammer of God. I found myself aroused again and asked him if he would put his fist in me. He had never done that before - with any woman.
.
"I'll try it," he said. "But only if you'll be communicative and direct me."
.
I frowned. It was hard for me to speak once in a sexual context of any kind. It felt like breaking some sort of taboo or rule. Hesitantly, I agreed.
.
"You'll need an absurd amount of lubrication," I said.
.
"Will this work?" he asked, indicating a small jar of coconut oil.
.
I nodded, "Yes. It is actually better than jojoba oil when it comes to this."
.
He worked his fingers into me. I gasped, surprised that I felt so close to orgasm from his little rhythmic motions. Slow, I thought, but I didn't say it.
.
Softly, sensually, I said, "There are three tricks - besides oil - rotation, going slow and backing out a little before pushing in." He took the rotation as a directive to do more of that. I had only meant it was a way to push in further when it felt like one otherwise couldn't.
.
Slow, onerous, unstoppable, I thought. That is what I want. It had been a fantasy since I was small, since before I knew was sex was. I imagined myself on a conveyor belt, moving toward a spike that would impale me - vagina first. Slowly, so slowly, inward and upward. Lying helpless, tied down and unable to do anything to stop it.
.
It was specifically that fixation that drew me to desire a fist put in me. It was a psychological fantasy more than a sexual one. I didn't convey all of that to Hibiscus. I let him experiment and touched his hand on occasion to pull him in deeper or to stop him.
.
Often, it hurt. Softly, I said, "It is easier to hurt me like this than you might imagine." I knew I ought to explain, to show him what hurt and why. I didn't. It was already terribly hard for me to have said as much as I had.
.
I found myself terribly aroused but able to take no more of his hand. Pleading, I said, "Fuck me."
.
"Can I wash my hands first?" he asked.
.
I frowned and pulled his pants off for him. I took his cock in my hand and felt it grow hard. Gods, it is wonderful to have a man who responds so readily. I was so aroused it became tempting to not wait for him to fetch a condom. I whispered as much.
.
"I think that would be a bad idea," Hibiscus said.
.
Yes, especially since I am probably ovulating, I thought.
.
He put the condom on and thrust into me. Four thrusts later I was screaming out a orgasm, and then another, and another. I clutched at him, my spine arching, my toes curling.
.
Afterward, I told him, "That is one of the best parts of being fisted," I said. "It makes me incredibly sensitive." I used the term "fisted" rather indiscriminately. Technically, he only got in to just past his knuckles. Rarely had anyone gotten any further with me. The muscles needed limbering. If I ever decide to have children, I should get to the point where much, much more can get in and out of there comfortably before giving birth, I thought.
.
That evening I spent time tap dancing while Hibiscus did pushups. He was doing the hundred-push-up challenge with me, although I was taking a break until my elbows stopped hurting.
.
Paladin stopped by my room to see how I was doing. I dragged him into my bed with Hibiscus and I. It felt marvelous to be surrounded by my men, speaking to me in accents of all kinds of random things. The conversation wasn't deep, and the cuddles were not as relaxed as I would have preferred - as Paladin was timid about accidentally touching Hibiscus in any way - but I was nevertheless quite pleased.