Second Page
Title: Erato #2
Author: numonorean
Rating: T
Classification: A little angst
Spoiler/Warning: Probably sad somewhere in between
A/N: I encourage listening to Jason Mraz' I Won't Give Up while reading this, since I hinged a lot of the thought behind this on that song. Truthfully, the song was on loop for the most part of my writing this. By the way, I did not BETA this, so you will probably encounter errors along the way.
----
'She looks perfect.' Jun murmurs as he watched his girlfriend walk towards him. He was in the middle of a gazebo surrounded by firefly lights in glass jars. The setting was whimsical and dreamy.
In his mind, he has ticked off everything he had prepared for. Dinner was ready. The table was set. The champagne was chilled. Soft music was playing. The night sky was clear. The bouquet of roses was in his hands. He was freshly groomed in a tux. And his princess was walking towards him in the prettiest purple dress he has ever seen. Best one yet.
Today is their anniversary, and everything was perfect. Including the girl smiling at him in amazement. Whatever it was that he did in his past life, it must have been damned good that the gods decided he deserved this kind of perfection.
Mao stopped in front of him and smiled in with wonder in her eyes, stealing the words from his mouth, "You look perfect."
He smiled, flattered, but thinking that she must be joking. He doesn't even think that he could come close to how perfect the girl in front of him is. How perfect she is for him. He handed her the bouquet saying, "Not half as close as you do."
She giggled at that. "Are we going to spend this night flattering each other?"
Jun grinned back and ushered her towards the table, pulling her chair out. He sat across the table from her, excited for the rest of their evening to begin. They started with dinner, talking amiably about anything and everything. Jun was struck again by how natural it seemed to do this with her. How perfectly natural it seemed for them to be like this. That's probably why he had no doubts about doing what he planned to do tonight. It was very simply, really. They belonged to each other.
He fingered the small velvet box in his coat pocket while he waited for dessert to be served. For the last few years, he has battled with his jimusho to allow him to marry Mao. It was a long arduous fight, but he knew it was worth it. Mao was worth fighting for.
To give credit to his jimusho, they did not really disapprove of his relationship with her. They only disapproved of how he wanted to settle down so soon. When the executives finally allowed him to do it, he did not waste time planning how to propose. He pulled out all the stops in making sure he was going to create a romantic setting for his hime.
And so here he was.
He watched as his princess finish off her ice cream cake, enjoying the little reaction her face makes while eating.
"This is really beautiful, ouji." Mao smiled, admiring everything around her. "I knew you were up to something for this anniversary, but I never thought it would be like this."
Jun grinned at her, "Did you like it?"
Mao smiled, "I like it," she answered shyly. "I like it very much."
Jun stood up and took her hand, "Walk with me?"
Mao gladly took his hand and followed him, all the while smiling at his handsome face.
Jun lead her through the garden, while they talked about how he prepared everything. She was impressed by his attention to detail. He had prepared everything with her in mind. What she likes, what she enjoys, what she loves.
They stopped at a bench next to a pond in the middle of the garden and sat. Jun wrapped his arms around her shoulders as she snuggled closer to him.
"This night has been perfect, Jun," Mao whispered. She turned her face towards his and kissed his cheek, "Thank you."
"It has been close to perfect," he agreed.
Mao frowned a little at him, "Close to?"
He knew it was now or never. Jun turned to face her, a solemn expression on his face. "It's been close to," he whispered as he took out the small velvet box from his coat, "because this is what's going to make it perfect."
Mao's eyes widened as she watched him leave the bench and get down on one knee in front of her. Shock registered on her face as she watched her prince open the little box to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. A ring so perfect, it was fit for a princess.
"Will you marry me, Mao?"
Jun saw tears gather in her eyes as she looked at the ring being presented to her, then to him with all the love and adoration in the world brimming in her eyes. He saw the dampness on her cheeks as she answered him with the only answer she could give.
"I can't."
---
Pain, like nothing he has ever felt, shot through his entire body. He had envisioned this day, planned everything to the letter, and not once did he ever think that Mao would say no.
I can't.
The words echoed in his brain as he tried to grasp the truth of her response. Until he uttered the only word he could, "Why?"
She looked at him with pained eyes, "There are so many things we are bound to right now. So many things planned for you and for me. So many opportunities that we're going to miss if we marry now."
"I don't understand it."
Mao looked at him as if she hated the pain she was somehow making him feel. She reached out to touch him, "I love you, Jun."
"You love me?" He answered incredulously, moving away from her touch. "You love me, but you don't want to marry me?"
"Please," she cried.
"Please what?" He answered, standing up. "I don't understand this, Mao."
He started to move away from her, as if moving away would take away the reeling pain he felt in his core.
"Please don't go like this," Mao said, her face covered in tears. "I love you so much."
Jun took another step back, shaking his head. "I need to go," he said. "I can't stay like this."
So he turned and walked away, her tears getting quieter with every step he made.
----
Raising the shot glass to his lips, Jun tossed the drink down his throat. He signalled the bartender for another glass. At the rate he's going, he might as well get the whole damned bottle. Just as he was about to call out to the bartender, he felt someone sit next him.
"How can you come here to drink and not call me?"
Oguri Shun, his best friend. He would have been his best man, too, had his girlfriend accepted his proposal. Shun knew everything about Jun and Mao. He had covered for them more times than he could possibly count. It was not a surprise for Jun to see a shade of concern in his friend's eyes as he tried to assess just how drunk he's been.
Jun turned to his drink and let out a breathe. "She called you, didn't she?"
Shun inhaled deeply, "Yeah."
"I don't get it." Jun murmured. It was the same statement he's been repeating to himself for the last hour.
"What do you not get?" Shun asked as he poured himself a drink.
Jun sighed as he looked into the liquid in his glass. "How can we love each other so much, yet still manage to end up hurting each other like we do?"
His friend swallowed the content of his glass. After his crinkling his nose a little at the bitter taste of alcohol, he said, "I don't really know the answer to that, but my guess is it comes with the territory."
Turning towards Shun, he asked him a question. "Did you know how many times I've talked to my jimusho to convince them?"
Shun shook his head.
He took the bottle in front of Shun to pour himself another drink, answering his own question with a grimace, "I can't even remember."
Shun was drinking his second glass slowly, watching his friend rant. He cared for Jun like a brother, and Mao was like a sister to him. Hearing Mao's crying voice over the phone earlier, asking him to look for Jun, was not something he liked hearing. In between sobs, she had said that they had a disagreement and Jun walked out. He came here not fully understanding what happened between them, but he had half the mind to simply drag Jun out of the bar to send home so he could console his girlfriend. Seeing him now, though, he didn't know what he disliked more. He was beginning to get an idea as to what their disagreement was about. He could see how Mao's rejection has really pained him. The amount of alcohol he's taking in isn't even registering.
Putting the glass down on the bar, Jun raked a hand through his hair. He was irritated, angry, frustrated, and hurt. He was hurt by the fact that Mao was not willing to take that final leap with him. She wasn't brave enough to take it.
"I want to marry her," he said, speaking slowly. "I want to be with her. I want to stand next to her in front of everyone and call her my wife."
Shun didn't say anything, not really sure what to say.
Jun shook his head as he remembered Mao's reason for declining his proposal, "It's not like she can't be married and be successful at the same time."
Everything snapped into place. With a bewildered look, Shun turned to his friend, "So you asked her, huh?"
Jun let out a snort, "Not that it did me any good."
Shun was quiet for a moment, as if he was contemplating on saying something. Then he poured himself another drink, as if deciding to break his silence. "Did you remember that time when we cranked Doolittle and I got really drunk?"
Jun nodded, not sure why Shun was bringing up that incident at a time like this.
"I was so wasted that night, and Yu was out of town," he said, remembering the celebration they had. "Mao had to stay with me until you picked us up, and you let me stay in your apartment to get sober."
Jun smiled a little in spite of himself, "I remember."
"Mao and I were talking while we were waiting for you that night," he said. "I kept apologizing for making her stay, and for the fact that I will be monopolizing your apartment for the night. As always, she was just completely gracious about it.
"We just heard about you getting into a butai, as well, and we talked about that for a bit. I knew the role you got was a little risque, and I asked her if it ever bothered her that you were picking out roles like that."
Flashback:
"This industry is full of women who want your man, Mao-chan." Shun said with a slight slur. He was surprised he still had his thoughts with him, "Aren't you afraid one of them will take advantage of the situation and steal him from you?"
Mao smiled at him as she handed him an ice chip, "With him fooling around? No, I'm not afraid of that, Shun. Jun is not the kind who strays."
"Still," Shun insisted, "doesn't that come as a fear for you? I know he's more loyal than your dog, but what about the women around him?"
"The other women doesn't keep me awake with fear at night, he doesn't exactly have the most charming personality with strangers." She laughed a little, remembering how he tends to ignore people he doesn't really know.
She breathed deeply, and her voice turned to a low whisper. As if she was saying it more to her self, "My greatest fear is the day he realizes he's settling for less than he deserves." She looked at Shun and gave out a small smile, "That's why I decided that before I marry him, I want to be worthy of him."
End of flashback
"'I want to be worthy of him.'" Shun repeated the words Mao said that night, "that's what she said."
Jun had stopped drinking. He was looking at Shun with the most baffled expression on his face.
Shun turned to face Jun, "Have you ever thought about it that way?" he asked.
Jun did not respond, his mind still trying to process the weight of what Shun just told him.
"She loves you so much, that she thinks she doesn't deserve you."
Jun could feel his vision blurring as his friend's words hit him with the realization of why his hime turned him down.
"Don't be the kind of man who'll walk away because she just wants you to wait." Shun turned back to his drink, "Go home, Jun."
---
Jun entered his apartment quietly. He had thought about going to Mao's apartment, but he instinctively walked towards his own instead.
He saw her sleeping on his couch. Somehow, he knew she'd be here. Her breathing was short, as if she fell asleep from exhaustion. Exhausted from crying. He swallowed hard at the sorrow etched on her face. Even in sleep, he had managed to make it painful for her. He was wrong about her. She was brave. A coward would not have stayed in his apartment to wait for him.
He sat down next to the couch, and slowly touched her face. She was so beautiful, even when she was sad. But she looked best when she was glowing with happiness. He never wanted to see her like this, and he felt anger at himself for causing her this pain.
Mao slowly stirred in her sleep, and her lashes slowly lifted. The sight of him next to her, touching her face and looking at her with so much love despite her rejection was just too much for her to take. She started crying again.
"I'm so sorry," she wept.
Jun held her face in her hands, "Baka." He touched his forehead to hers, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm sorry, Mao. I'm so sorry." He said, trying not to cry, even as he felt the tears brimming.
"It's me who do not deserve you," he continued, "I keep on pushing to get married so much because I'm afraid you'll wake up one day and realize you can do with so much better." He whispered achingly, "Then you'll go. And I don't know what will happen to me without you."
Mao lifted her face away from his and stared at him unbelievingly, "Are you crazy?" she said. "How can I leave the best thing that happened to me?"
Jun shook his head, then swallowed, wanting to say what he had intended to tell her from the moment he left Shun at the bar, "I'm going to wait." He kissed her cheek, then her nose, then her ear, and whispered, "I'm not going to like it, but I'm going to wait.
"I'm going to wait until you're ready." He looked at her in the eyes, his breath the only thing between them, "I'm going to wait for the that day when you wake up and realize that you've been more than what I deserve all this time. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to tell you this everyday until you believe it."
Mao started crying again. Nothing he's ever told her has validated how perfect he's been as much as what he just said. It will probably take some time for her to believe what he's telling her, but if he believes in her, then she will believe in him. She believes he will wait, and she believes it won't be too long.
----
A/N: I think I failed at keeping this Jun-centric. I did not intend to have Mao's POV here at any point, but I guess I had to put her thought there at the end.
Author: numonorean
Rating: T
Classification: A little angst
Spoiler/Warning: Probably sad somewhere in between
A/N: I encourage listening to Jason Mraz' I Won't Give Up while reading this, since I hinged a lot of the thought behind this on that song. Truthfully, the song was on loop for the most part of my writing this. By the way, I did not BETA this, so you will probably encounter errors along the way.
----
'She looks perfect.' Jun murmurs as he watched his girlfriend walk towards him. He was in the middle of a gazebo surrounded by firefly lights in glass jars. The setting was whimsical and dreamy.
In his mind, he has ticked off everything he had prepared for. Dinner was ready. The table was set. The champagne was chilled. Soft music was playing. The night sky was clear. The bouquet of roses was in his hands. He was freshly groomed in a tux. And his princess was walking towards him in the prettiest purple dress he has ever seen. Best one yet.
Today is their anniversary, and everything was perfect. Including the girl smiling at him in amazement. Whatever it was that he did in his past life, it must have been damned good that the gods decided he deserved this kind of perfection.
Mao stopped in front of him and smiled in with wonder in her eyes, stealing the words from his mouth, "You look perfect."
He smiled, flattered, but thinking that she must be joking. He doesn't even think that he could come close to how perfect the girl in front of him is. How perfect she is for him. He handed her the bouquet saying, "Not half as close as you do."
She giggled at that. "Are we going to spend this night flattering each other?"
Jun grinned back and ushered her towards the table, pulling her chair out. He sat across the table from her, excited for the rest of their evening to begin. They started with dinner, talking amiably about anything and everything. Jun was struck again by how natural it seemed to do this with her. How perfectly natural it seemed for them to be like this. That's probably why he had no doubts about doing what he planned to do tonight. It was very simply, really. They belonged to each other.
He fingered the small velvet box in his coat pocket while he waited for dessert to be served. For the last few years, he has battled with his jimusho to allow him to marry Mao. It was a long arduous fight, but he knew it was worth it. Mao was worth fighting for.
To give credit to his jimusho, they did not really disapprove of his relationship with her. They only disapproved of how he wanted to settle down so soon. When the executives finally allowed him to do it, he did not waste time planning how to propose. He pulled out all the stops in making sure he was going to create a romantic setting for his hime.
And so here he was.
He watched as his princess finish off her ice cream cake, enjoying the little reaction her face makes while eating.
"This is really beautiful, ouji." Mao smiled, admiring everything around her. "I knew you were up to something for this anniversary, but I never thought it would be like this."
Jun grinned at her, "Did you like it?"
Mao smiled, "I like it," she answered shyly. "I like it very much."
Jun stood up and took her hand, "Walk with me?"
Mao gladly took his hand and followed him, all the while smiling at his handsome face.
Jun lead her through the garden, while they talked about how he prepared everything. She was impressed by his attention to detail. He had prepared everything with her in mind. What she likes, what she enjoys, what she loves.
They stopped at a bench next to a pond in the middle of the garden and sat. Jun wrapped his arms around her shoulders as she snuggled closer to him.
"This night has been perfect, Jun," Mao whispered. She turned her face towards his and kissed his cheek, "Thank you."
"It has been close to perfect," he agreed.
Mao frowned a little at him, "Close to?"
He knew it was now or never. Jun turned to face her, a solemn expression on his face. "It's been close to," he whispered as he took out the small velvet box from his coat, "because this is what's going to make it perfect."
Mao's eyes widened as she watched him leave the bench and get down on one knee in front of her. Shock registered on her face as she watched her prince open the little box to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. A ring so perfect, it was fit for a princess.
"Will you marry me, Mao?"
Jun saw tears gather in her eyes as she looked at the ring being presented to her, then to him with all the love and adoration in the world brimming in her eyes. He saw the dampness on her cheeks as she answered him with the only answer she could give.
"I can't."
---
Pain, like nothing he has ever felt, shot through his entire body. He had envisioned this day, planned everything to the letter, and not once did he ever think that Mao would say no.
I can't.
The words echoed in his brain as he tried to grasp the truth of her response. Until he uttered the only word he could, "Why?"
She looked at him with pained eyes, "There are so many things we are bound to right now. So many things planned for you and for me. So many opportunities that we're going to miss if we marry now."
"I don't understand it."
Mao looked at him as if she hated the pain she was somehow making him feel. She reached out to touch him, "I love you, Jun."
"You love me?" He answered incredulously, moving away from her touch. "You love me, but you don't want to marry me?"
"Please," she cried.
"Please what?" He answered, standing up. "I don't understand this, Mao."
He started to move away from her, as if moving away would take away the reeling pain he felt in his core.
"Please don't go like this," Mao said, her face covered in tears. "I love you so much."
Jun took another step back, shaking his head. "I need to go," he said. "I can't stay like this."
So he turned and walked away, her tears getting quieter with every step he made.
----
Raising the shot glass to his lips, Jun tossed the drink down his throat. He signalled the bartender for another glass. At the rate he's going, he might as well get the whole damned bottle. Just as he was about to call out to the bartender, he felt someone sit next him.
"How can you come here to drink and not call me?"
Oguri Shun, his best friend. He would have been his best man, too, had his girlfriend accepted his proposal. Shun knew everything about Jun and Mao. He had covered for them more times than he could possibly count. It was not a surprise for Jun to see a shade of concern in his friend's eyes as he tried to assess just how drunk he's been.
Jun turned to his drink and let out a breathe. "She called you, didn't she?"
Shun inhaled deeply, "Yeah."
"I don't get it." Jun murmured. It was the same statement he's been repeating to himself for the last hour.
"What do you not get?" Shun asked as he poured himself a drink.
Jun sighed as he looked into the liquid in his glass. "How can we love each other so much, yet still manage to end up hurting each other like we do?"
His friend swallowed the content of his glass. After his crinkling his nose a little at the bitter taste of alcohol, he said, "I don't really know the answer to that, but my guess is it comes with the territory."
Turning towards Shun, he asked him a question. "Did you know how many times I've talked to my jimusho to convince them?"
Shun shook his head.
He took the bottle in front of Shun to pour himself another drink, answering his own question with a grimace, "I can't even remember."
Shun was drinking his second glass slowly, watching his friend rant. He cared for Jun like a brother, and Mao was like a sister to him. Hearing Mao's crying voice over the phone earlier, asking him to look for Jun, was not something he liked hearing. In between sobs, she had said that they had a disagreement and Jun walked out. He came here not fully understanding what happened between them, but he had half the mind to simply drag Jun out of the bar to send home so he could console his girlfriend. Seeing him now, though, he didn't know what he disliked more. He was beginning to get an idea as to what their disagreement was about. He could see how Mao's rejection has really pained him. The amount of alcohol he's taking in isn't even registering.
Putting the glass down on the bar, Jun raked a hand through his hair. He was irritated, angry, frustrated, and hurt. He was hurt by the fact that Mao was not willing to take that final leap with him. She wasn't brave enough to take it.
"I want to marry her," he said, speaking slowly. "I want to be with her. I want to stand next to her in front of everyone and call her my wife."
Shun didn't say anything, not really sure what to say.
Jun shook his head as he remembered Mao's reason for declining his proposal, "It's not like she can't be married and be successful at the same time."
Everything snapped into place. With a bewildered look, Shun turned to his friend, "So you asked her, huh?"
Jun let out a snort, "Not that it did me any good."
Shun was quiet for a moment, as if he was contemplating on saying something. Then he poured himself another drink, as if deciding to break his silence. "Did you remember that time when we cranked Doolittle and I got really drunk?"
Jun nodded, not sure why Shun was bringing up that incident at a time like this.
"I was so wasted that night, and Yu was out of town," he said, remembering the celebration they had. "Mao had to stay with me until you picked us up, and you let me stay in your apartment to get sober."
Jun smiled a little in spite of himself, "I remember."
"Mao and I were talking while we were waiting for you that night," he said. "I kept apologizing for making her stay, and for the fact that I will be monopolizing your apartment for the night. As always, she was just completely gracious about it.
"We just heard about you getting into a butai, as well, and we talked about that for a bit. I knew the role you got was a little risque, and I asked her if it ever bothered her that you were picking out roles like that."
Flashback:
"This industry is full of women who want your man, Mao-chan." Shun said with a slight slur. He was surprised he still had his thoughts with him, "Aren't you afraid one of them will take advantage of the situation and steal him from you?"
Mao smiled at him as she handed him an ice chip, "With him fooling around? No, I'm not afraid of that, Shun. Jun is not the kind who strays."
"Still," Shun insisted, "doesn't that come as a fear for you? I know he's more loyal than your dog, but what about the women around him?"
"The other women doesn't keep me awake with fear at night, he doesn't exactly have the most charming personality with strangers." She laughed a little, remembering how he tends to ignore people he doesn't really know.
She breathed deeply, and her voice turned to a low whisper. As if she was saying it more to her self, "My greatest fear is the day he realizes he's settling for less than he deserves." She looked at Shun and gave out a small smile, "That's why I decided that before I marry him, I want to be worthy of him."
End of flashback
"'I want to be worthy of him.'" Shun repeated the words Mao said that night, "that's what she said."
Jun had stopped drinking. He was looking at Shun with the most baffled expression on his face.
Shun turned to face Jun, "Have you ever thought about it that way?" he asked.
Jun did not respond, his mind still trying to process the weight of what Shun just told him.
"She loves you so much, that she thinks she doesn't deserve you."
Jun could feel his vision blurring as his friend's words hit him with the realization of why his hime turned him down.
"Don't be the kind of man who'll walk away because she just wants you to wait." Shun turned back to his drink, "Go home, Jun."
---
Jun entered his apartment quietly. He had thought about going to Mao's apartment, but he instinctively walked towards his own instead.
He saw her sleeping on his couch. Somehow, he knew she'd be here. Her breathing was short, as if she fell asleep from exhaustion. Exhausted from crying. He swallowed hard at the sorrow etched on her face. Even in sleep, he had managed to make it painful for her. He was wrong about her. She was brave. A coward would not have stayed in his apartment to wait for him.
He sat down next to the couch, and slowly touched her face. She was so beautiful, even when she was sad. But she looked best when she was glowing with happiness. He never wanted to see her like this, and he felt anger at himself for causing her this pain.
Mao slowly stirred in her sleep, and her lashes slowly lifted. The sight of him next to her, touching her face and looking at her with so much love despite her rejection was just too much for her to take. She started crying again.
"I'm so sorry," she wept.
Jun held her face in her hands, "Baka." He touched his forehead to hers, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm sorry, Mao. I'm so sorry." He said, trying not to cry, even as he felt the tears brimming.
"It's me who do not deserve you," he continued, "I keep on pushing to get married so much because I'm afraid you'll wake up one day and realize you can do with so much better." He whispered achingly, "Then you'll go. And I don't know what will happen to me without you."
Mao lifted her face away from his and stared at him unbelievingly, "Are you crazy?" she said. "How can I leave the best thing that happened to me?"
Jun shook his head, then swallowed, wanting to say what he had intended to tell her from the moment he left Shun at the bar, "I'm going to wait." He kissed her cheek, then her nose, then her ear, and whispered, "I'm not going to like it, but I'm going to wait.
"I'm going to wait until you're ready." He looked at her in the eyes, his breath the only thing between them, "I'm going to wait for the that day when you wake up and realize that you've been more than what I deserve all this time. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to tell you this everyday until you believe it."
Mao started crying again. Nothing he's ever told her has validated how perfect he's been as much as what he just said. It will probably take some time for her to believe what he's telling her, but if he believes in her, then she will believe in him. She believes he will wait, and she believes it won't be too long.
----
A/N: I think I failed at keeping this Jun-centric. I did not intend to have Mao's POV here at any point, but I guess I had to put her thought there at the end.