(no subject)
i feel out of sorts and weird and scared that i'll say some things i don't mean and i'll be taken seriously for once. because do i really want out of this mess i've gotten myself into, am i really tired of the complaining that i haven't finished typing the stupid script up yet? i don't know about the former, but the last one is an emphatic yes. is this really worth it? what in the world am i getting out of it? a lack of sleep, for one. but also this feeling that i'm actually accomplishing something. do i really want to give that up? no. but i feel like if i try to talk to certain people about this, about how i'm feeling about it, it won't make a lick of difference. i feel like with him it's all or nothing because he really couldn't care less whether i do it or not. to him, i'm just some crazy little girl who needs to get her mind in order.
but that's the thing, see. i have these perceptions about life, mostly about how others see me, and i assume them to be true, often despite evidence to the contrary (even in this case there is, shockingly enough, evidence to the contrary). and then i act accordingly, which causes my perceptions to ooze into reality. but it's not real. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i make it real. so maybe i should put aside my own fears and just really sit down with him and figure this out. because if i'm not needed or wanted why am i killing myself to help get this done? good question with a very obvious answer.
it's almost as if i want something to be wrong with me, like clinically, so that i could at least have an explanation for these rapid ups and downs and no in betweens. no, it's not almost as if i want that. i do.
i just wish someone would answer the phone every once in awhile, even just to chat. even just to say hi. and i wish the phone would ring every once in awhile and i would hear a friend's voice on the other end. calling just to chat. even just to say hi.
everything has gotten a little mixed up lately and i don't feel like trying to put it back in order.
i'm just going to take a nap to rid myself of this... these feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-understanding and lack of self-worth. because, as they say, this too shall pass. i'm just going to let it pass while i sleep deeply.
hugs and smooches,
memsie
but that's the thing, see. i have these perceptions about life, mostly about how others see me, and i assume them to be true, often despite evidence to the contrary (even in this case there is, shockingly enough, evidence to the contrary). and then i act accordingly, which causes my perceptions to ooze into reality. but it's not real. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i make it real. so maybe i should put aside my own fears and just really sit down with him and figure this out. because if i'm not needed or wanted why am i killing myself to help get this done? good question with a very obvious answer.
it's almost as if i want something to be wrong with me, like clinically, so that i could at least have an explanation for these rapid ups and downs and no in betweens. no, it's not almost as if i want that. i do.
i just wish someone would answer the phone every once in awhile, even just to chat. even just to say hi. and i wish the phone would ring every once in awhile and i would hear a friend's voice on the other end. calling just to chat. even just to say hi.
everything has gotten a little mixed up lately and i don't feel like trying to put it back in order.
i'm just going to take a nap to rid myself of this... these feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-understanding and lack of self-worth. because, as they say, this too shall pass. i'm just going to let it pass while i sleep deeply.
hugs and smooches,
memsie