My Friends Just Left Me Here...
What is my number one fear? Being replaced.
Being replaced is a terribly frightening thought to me. I know it all stems from a lack of confidence in both my friends and myself... mostly myself. Well, I guess, it's all on me. My friends are actually really awesome and I doubt when it comes down to it they actually would replace me. At least a few of them wouldn't I don't think.. There I go again, pondering who would replace me. I just feel like no one misses me if I'm not there or if I am, I don't add a thing. All symptoms of a person who is easily forgotten and quickly replaced.
I become most paranoid when someone enters a relationship. I'm more confident in this with my female friends, but not by much. At least with my female friends I don't feel in direct competition with their beaus... they still can't attend girl's night out. I just really hate that b/c a guy friend has a girlfriend now, I can't call them out of the blue and chat at 11 o'clock at night or casually invite them to catch a flick. It's no longer appropriate or acceptable all b/c they're getting a little action now. Society dictates men and women can't be friends, esp. if they're in relationships.
I don't even know what I'm rambling on about now. It started off with a clear image but dabbled into the realm of other stuff that is bothering me. Back to the original thought...
Am I replaceable? If I never existed, would anyone notice? I feel like that Christmas movie they always show. But really, it bothers me. It really upsets me to think of how many events and weekends pass by that my "friends" do things and never pause to invite me along. I know the whole "the phone works both ways" thing but I don't want to be the one constantly inviting others... I want to be the desired one once in awhile as well. Even some of the people I thought I could always guarantee to be awesome sometimes leave me feeling like a last thought or as a polite impulse.
I've been replaced, haven't I? Why is that so hard for me to accept? I guess b/c I'll always be replaceable and that scares me to no end.
That's really what being in a relationship is about, isn't it? It's like a revelation that just happened as I've been writing. Being "more than friends" is about more than just losing the "touch boundary," it's about being with someone who you find irreplaceable and who would never replace you. Until you have that, you are replaceable to everyone else. You're just another face in the most frequented of crowds.
What a terribly depressing thought...