With a Look of Smug Satisfaction on his Face...
So here’s the thing. I’ve come to realize a lot about myself and my life recently. Work had been keeping me incredibly busy but I found time in there for discovery nonetheless.
A) The only thing I’ve been really excited about all year and didn’t mind working for was the standup comedy competition... and it didn’t even matter that I lost. I still had a great time and would do it again tomorrow. If only that could be a guaranteed career option.
It was pretty much the biggest thing to happen to me recently so some details:
-Awesome competitors. Most everyone had me laughing hysterically.
-MC was great. Totally got a hug and such afterwards.
-Gave me an excuse to dye my hair and buy new clothes :)
B) My friends are pretty much awesome. People often tend to overlook good things and just focus on the bad. The competition was just one of those moments when their awesomeness could not be overlooked. They had me crying I was so happy to see so many of them there! T. came all the way from Clemson and C. came from Charleston! My labmate even came!
People can get on your nerves and they can do things that make you question if they really care, but most often, they prove to you they do. It really only takes one action or moment to make-up for many disappointments.
C) I’m getting too old for Motion City Soundtrack. Went to their concert in Charlotte and it was packed! Mostly with 12-15 yr. olds in heels and heavy make-up, circled-up facing away from the stage. They were taking up valuable space for people who were actually there for the band and not a drunken hook-up! So aggravating)
D) I’m getting pretty good at this not hating people thing. I still have my lapses (see Motion City Soundtrack concert rant). Sometimes you just have to though. You can’t love everyone all the time. So I’ve adapted my resolution to a more general loving demeanor and I think that’s a generally doable goal.
E) I’m fortunate to be my mother’s daughter. The Luics’s have a great tendency to not allow themselves to get sad by what people do to them, but just to get fantastically angry and vengeful. It’s the most fantastic way to get over what someone does to you... pure hatred. They have the amazing skill to hold the grudge for years, even decades (my grandmother didn’t talk to her sister for over 3 of those). I’m even more lucky b/c I’m still ½ my dad who is much more forgiving and slow to anger. So thanks to him, I can generally get past the loathing and just move on to apathy. This combination of Lucis and Leibman has rendered me capable of avoiding most prolonged periods of depression or angst from what someone has done to me. I just get angry. I’m sure there’s some great psychological injustice I’m doing myself by just hating and moving on but it works... at least for now. You shouldn’t underestimate the power of being angry at someone. It allows you the power to do and say things you normally wouldn’t be courageous enough to pursue. You can forget a boyfriend, ignore a once best friend, leave an organization you’ve given your time to, run over a cat. I’m kidding about that last one... there is never an excuse to run over a cat, unless it ate your baby or something. So I just ask, try anger, it may just work for you too.
F) I’m a lot braver than I thought I was. I enjoy making my own path and if someone tries to block it or follow it, they’ve quickly made themselves available to my hate-dar.
G) I have no idea what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. No... idea... Part of my wants to just marry and settle down with the kids and the Volvo (no kiddies unless I get the XC-90) and part of me wants a vivacious career with prestige and worth and part of me wants a job that I can come home to and still maintain an active social life and part of me wants something completely outrageous like moving to Africa or joining the Peace Corps and part of me is looking at money only and thinking medicine can’t be too bad. Pretty much, I’m completely clueless and after all this time, I’ve just managed to make myself more confused than I was before. Maybe I rushed things too much. I wouldn’t be as worried about this if I didn’t already have that B.S. hanging on my wall (well, more like sitting in its original packaging on top of my tv).
H) I’m not worried about not having an “and guest.” I can pretty much guess why I’m still “guestless” and if I’m right, I’m not worried about it b/c it’s something I can change. If I’m wrong and it’s some much more fundamental issue with me as a person, than I’m pretty much screwed. I can’t even stop biting my nails for any amount of time more significant than a week so changing some major personality flaw is going to be damn near impossible. I think I just get into these moods where I start taking things far too seriously. It should be fun and exciting! Not depressing and aggravating. Done... added to my resolution list.
I) I’m going to try and keep a “eat/drink/spend/exercise/sleep” journal... really map out my living habits, ya know? Man this is going to be depressing
J) Really like shooting. Pistol in my future?
K) And finally, a full update on all resolutions listed previously:
Limit swearing to only those occasions absolutely deserving
Doing pretty well on that one... almost complete eliminated G-ddamnit!
Stop speeding... and cutting off people... and parking crappily
Parking is better, speeding not so much
Learn to say no
Still working
Be less of a prude
Officially killed I think
Realize some people just aren't worth the effort
Reanalyzed this one and think it’s all wrong.. everyone is worth some
effort. I just need to learn when to cut them off
Let go of old grudges
Most are forgotten
Get over a phobia (just one.. any one... there are a lot to choose from =/ )
Over escalators AND planes! Feet are still TBD
Stop trying to fix myself
I will do this... when there’s nothing left to fix
Be more patient
I’m getting there
Stop saying I "hate" so many people
I’m trying
Stop actually disliking so many people
Def. gotten better at this one... in the single digits now!
Learn to shut my mouth (<-very important one)
Yeah, no.
Be healthier (<-already got a headstart on that one... go vitamins!)
Go disgusting vitamin water!
Engulf myself in my research
Moving on
Focus more on schoolwork
Ditto
Save more money
There is money in my savings account!
Stop going out so much
Work took care of that one
Figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life
Pretty much hopeless
Stop making excuses
But there are so many!
Broaden friend pool
Broadened and limited at the same time
Get into PhD program far away from SC
Put on the back burner until I figure out what I want
Learn to accept failures better
Can you ever learn to do that?
Try not to fail so much
I got an A on my oceanography test, does that count?
Keep my room clean
Haven’t gotten to that one yet
Travel more
Travel too much I think this past month
Take better care of my plants
After I replace the ones that died I’ll def. try
Learn how to bake something
Totally pwned this one
Stop complaining a.k.a. cease bitterness
Complaining can be fun!
Be more thankful
Done and done.
That’s about all I can think of for now. More to come later... just had to get some thoughts down, ya know?
" Is there an answer?
If it's an honest one, honestly worth this question
There's no question
The city has no limits
I am who I wanna be, but you could be anything
Just be anything here with me.
Endless quotes and with the secondhand
If you let go then that's where time will stand..."
~Jimmy Eat World