How I heal
I read over my last entry and to me it sounds like i want him back. i dont. that time of my life is done and over with and i could never relive it no matter what i do. i wouldnt want to. all i have are memories and i'm fine with that. cuz i can look back and smile and laugh about it and move on with my life. i could never be wih him again. i was 16 then and i'm nearly 19 now. things have changed, i have changed. i love him, of course do. but i always will. even when i am married and have children, i will love him. and i dont love him in a sense that i long to be by his side again, but that innocent first love is something that i dont think i can ever let go of. and its that pain that keeps me going. i see it as a lesson. that love is something that i will look back on in the future and it will remind me of who i am and remind me that i belong where i am, where ever that may be.
it's funny when i look back and think of those memories. and its even funnier what my mind has shut out. today at lunch with savvy i told her stories of my past. as i was talking i realized that i had forgot many of the events that occured. i had actually unconsciencely pushed them out of my mind. and maybe its for my own good that i dont think of those memories. but it was disappointing to me that i had so much trouble digging shit out of such a significant time of my life. maybe i should go thru every memory, starting as early as i can remember from childhood, and write it down just as i remember it. (i got that from "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" =P) that way i wont forget before it's too late. that way in 2, 5, 20, or even 30 years from now i can read it and remind myself of me. i dont want to forget. i dont want to be 40 years old when my kid(s) ask me, "what were you like when you were young, mom?" and i cant give them a clear answer. if i cant remember all of my memories then how am i supposed to learn form them. i'm not afraid to face my past humiliations. i'm more afraid to not face them. it will make me a better friend, lover, daughter and person.
so i ended up calling him yesterday to wish him a happy birthday. his girlfriend answered which made me feel a little uncomfortable but she didnt seem to angry or annoyed... i hope. our conversation lasted a whopping 3 minutes.i dont know if he was being quiet because she was there, if he was surprised to hear from me, or if he just didnt want to talk to me. i was betting he would call me back but he hasnt yet. i dont even know if he will. i kinda do hope he does and at the same time i kinda hopr he doesnt. i want to talk to him, just to see how he's doing and what's up in his life and all. we were best friends for a while and i just wanna know if he's still alive. but then again i dont wanna start shit between him and his girlfriend, cuz hats just mad wrong. i did my part in making the initial phone call. if it's meant for us to stay in contact, then he will call. if he doesnt call then that means that it's not a good idea and that i'm better off w/o communicating with him. i'm leaving it in God's hands now, He knows whats best for me.
<3 paula josephine hill
it's funny when i look back and think of those memories. and its even funnier what my mind has shut out. today at lunch with savvy i told her stories of my past. as i was talking i realized that i had forgot many of the events that occured. i had actually unconsciencely pushed them out of my mind. and maybe its for my own good that i dont think of those memories. but it was disappointing to me that i had so much trouble digging shit out of such a significant time of my life. maybe i should go thru every memory, starting as early as i can remember from childhood, and write it down just as i remember it. (i got that from "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" =P) that way i wont forget before it's too late. that way in 2, 5, 20, or even 30 years from now i can read it and remind myself of me. i dont want to forget. i dont want to be 40 years old when my kid(s) ask me, "what were you like when you were young, mom?" and i cant give them a clear answer. if i cant remember all of my memories then how am i supposed to learn form them. i'm not afraid to face my past humiliations. i'm more afraid to not face them. it will make me a better friend, lover, daughter and person.
so i ended up calling him yesterday to wish him a happy birthday. his girlfriend answered which made me feel a little uncomfortable but she didnt seem to angry or annoyed... i hope. our conversation lasted a whopping 3 minutes.i dont know if he was being quiet because she was there, if he was surprised to hear from me, or if he just didnt want to talk to me. i was betting he would call me back but he hasnt yet. i dont even know if he will. i kinda do hope he does and at the same time i kinda hopr he doesnt. i want to talk to him, just to see how he's doing and what's up in his life and all. we were best friends for a while and i just wanna know if he's still alive. but then again i dont wanna start shit between him and his girlfriend, cuz hats just mad wrong. i did my part in making the initial phone call. if it's meant for us to stay in contact, then he will call. if he doesnt call then that means that it's not a good idea and that i'm better off w/o communicating with him. i'm leaving it in God's hands now, He knows whats best for me.
<3 paula josephine hill