counting the ways to where you are
Well lets see. I had a very interesting weekend, one which i won't go into the details of. Oh well, i guess you learn things about people all the time and find out what they really think of you. i personally would just rather go on blind to everything but happy. i want to be happy again...happy without a bottle or smoking or snorting something. i say "again" as if referring to some previous state of happiness, but i honestly can't remember ever just being happy for no reason. it seems like everyone else is happy, but i always need some sort of crutch. i guess thats my fatal flaw..that and my highly addictive personality and attitude problem. well i don't want to change, and i'm not going to pretend that i do. i like being wild and crazy and doing too much drugs and being a little slutty. thats the embodiment of being 17. i am never going to be young and free again so might as well enjoy it, right? of course i have like 4 more years of youth and freedom but whatever. i just wish i could "meet" someone...not just regular meet someone but MEET someone. i hate how it seems like every girl in the world ugly or not can so easily find a date. my friends ALWAYS have a boyfriend. i guess not everyone is comfortable with being single but still. i just dont understand what is wrong with me. i guess its because i'm kind of weird and really crazy and i'm a bitch. oh well... i just wish i could be someone else for a day or something. it would be nice. lately i've been feeling as if my life has just been rapidly spiraling downward. i dont know exactly when all this started...i'm thinking sometime around september when i decided that a bottle of liquor was my best friend...and then one thing leads to another and a few months later you find your brain absolutely fried because you've been high for about a week straight. i dont know why i do the things i do or why i seem to get addicted to things so easily. i'm like that with everything..i'll get real hardcore into something and then i'll just stop and thats it...and then i'll get into something else and the cycle repeats. i'm now out of my alcohol phase and back into my pot phase...which preceeded the alcohol phase. its a vicious cycle. oh well..nothing i can do, nothing i want to do. i think i'll go to sleep now, waste the day away. im just looking for somebody who i can really talk to, tell everything to and someone to just care about me and that understands me and LIKES me...havent had that since about 8th grade and shit i didnt even have any problems then. i think i'm pretty good at being alone though, with the exception of that year i was with josh i've been alone most of my life. my parents are never interested in me, no siblings my age, not many friends, like 2 boyfriends...i guess i qualify as a shrew or a loner or something..
"All i can say is that my life is pretty plain, i like watchin the puddles gather rain. And all i can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view but its not sane. Its not sane. I just want someone to say to me oh oh oh oh i'll always be there when you wake. you know i'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, so stay with me and i'll have it made. and i dont understand why i sleep all day and i start to complain when theres no rain. and all i can do is read a book to stay awake and it rips my life away but its a great escape..."
"All i can say is that my life is pretty plain, i like watchin the puddles gather rain. And all i can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view but its not sane. Its not sane. I just want someone to say to me oh oh oh oh i'll always be there when you wake. you know i'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, so stay with me and i'll have it made. and i dont understand why i sleep all day and i start to complain when theres no rain. and all i can do is read a book to stay awake and it rips my life away but its a great escape..."