(no subject)
Time is ticking on by. And I feel lost in it. I'm living in a bubble. By choice and at the same time not by choice. I have to live in it in order to get by. I have to displace feelings and leave myself with nothing sometimes or I would crumble underneath the weight of everything. Where is all this going? When will this bubble finally burst and free me? I have no idea, and that's the scary part. How long can I go on like this? Only coming up for air once and a while, only dealing with reality when I feel like it. And ironically, I feel life is simpler now. But not necessarily in a good way. I can find happiness in things that I never could find it in before. I spend a lot of time with my family, and I even enjoy it. I've made new friends and reconnected with old ones. The ones who still give a damn about me. I do really well in school, almost too well, it seems almost sick how easily it all comes to me. I work really hard. I'm really busy all the time, between three ensembles, work, homework, class. I write music all the time for my classes, and what I write I am so proud of. And my teachers seem to like me, people seem to like me. I've been doing more outside training on my own for tae kwon do, because I want to be better physically and mentally. I don't eat crap anymore, usually I'm so busy I barely have time to eat, so I've lost some weight and gained some muscle. I'm in better shape then I was in high school. And I also feel an inner strength that not a lot of people see or will ever see. I'm a smart, good-looking, and all around good and likable person.
But all of this just feels like a dream. Like one long day that just never seems to end. And I'm constantly waiting for tomorrow. I'm constantly forcing the clock to move faster so that I could get over this bump in the road and find some peace beyond this.
I saw a psychology article online talking about how if people remembered absolutely everything they've ever done or seen we would all go absolutely crazy. We would never be able to let go of mistakes, we would have every painful memory floating around in our minds all the time. For me, the good memories, the bad memories, they're all painful. The only reason I've gotten this far in life is because I have forgotten things. The only way you can live in a bubble is by forgetting all the shit and keeping only the basic essentials. And every time something new and painful comes along, you think about it for a moment, then discard it like everything else. In the end, when you've thrown away all the bad, the only thing that can be left is the good. You take those good things and you run with them. Run like hell, and don't let anybody take those from you. Despite how much pain music has brought me, it has also been the one thing that makes me feel worthy of existing because I have worked so hard to have it. I have thrown away those feelings of not being good enough, not getting into Berklee, not being the player I wanted to be, and I have kept only the good. I am a great composer, and I will continue to be until I go deaf or die.
I feel like when I look back on this time of my life I won't remember it too well because so much has happened in such a short amount of time. I'm living more in the future then I am in the past or present. I don't know if that's a good thing. I just want to tread through this time lightly. I don't want to leave a bold mark in my time line here. I don't want to remember everything. I just want to keep moving, I want to get this part over with and get to the next act of my life because all this just feels like transition material.
Yea, writing in stream of consciousness. This probably made sense to no one. But no body reads this so it doesn't matter. It's a reminder to myself of how I feel at this moment, so I can look back on it later. If I feel like it.
~Nozomi
But all of this just feels like a dream. Like one long day that just never seems to end. And I'm constantly waiting for tomorrow. I'm constantly forcing the clock to move faster so that I could get over this bump in the road and find some peace beyond this.
I saw a psychology article online talking about how if people remembered absolutely everything they've ever done or seen we would all go absolutely crazy. We would never be able to let go of mistakes, we would have every painful memory floating around in our minds all the time. For me, the good memories, the bad memories, they're all painful. The only reason I've gotten this far in life is because I have forgotten things. The only way you can live in a bubble is by forgetting all the shit and keeping only the basic essentials. And every time something new and painful comes along, you think about it for a moment, then discard it like everything else. In the end, when you've thrown away all the bad, the only thing that can be left is the good. You take those good things and you run with them. Run like hell, and don't let anybody take those from you. Despite how much pain music has brought me, it has also been the one thing that makes me feel worthy of existing because I have worked so hard to have it. I have thrown away those feelings of not being good enough, not getting into Berklee, not being the player I wanted to be, and I have kept only the good. I am a great composer, and I will continue to be until I go deaf or die.
I feel like when I look back on this time of my life I won't remember it too well because so much has happened in such a short amount of time. I'm living more in the future then I am in the past or present. I don't know if that's a good thing. I just want to tread through this time lightly. I don't want to leave a bold mark in my time line here. I don't want to remember everything. I just want to keep moving, I want to get this part over with and get to the next act of my life because all this just feels like transition material.
Yea, writing in stream of consciousness. This probably made sense to no one. But no body reads this so it doesn't matter. It's a reminder to myself of how I feel at this moment, so I can look back on it later. If I feel like it.
~Nozomi