A Writing Experiment--Opinions?
Okay, so as I edit the next chapter of "What Comes After," I tried some different approaches to the first paragraph and I'm curious as to which most people prefer. I have my own theory as to which will be best received, but, as with all experiments, I need conclusive data to form a conclusion. The biggest problem I foresee is that only two or three people will actually respond to this which isn't a very big pool of data--but I'll take what I can get and move forward with it. Anyway. Here are the opening lines...all I'm asking is that you give your opinions on your preference and thoughts.
Original version: As the Impala flew down the highway, the wind on Dean’s face helped clear the cobwebs leftover from the encounter with Jessica. His body felt weak and worn, but his mind became clearer as he drove.
Revised version #1: The rumble of the Impala solid beneath him, Dean tipped his face into the wind rushing in from the window, clearing the cobwebs from his mind. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel, alarmed at the weakness weighing down his muscles and the weariness infusing his bones.
Revised version #2: The rumble of the Impala grounding him, Dean tipped his face into the wind rushing in from the window and breathed deep. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel, alarmed at the weakness heavy in his muscles and the pervading, bone-deep weariness.
Original version: As the Impala flew down the highway, the wind on Dean’s face helped clear the cobwebs leftover from the encounter with Jessica. His body felt weak and worn, but his mind became clearer as he drove.
Revised version #1: The rumble of the Impala solid beneath him, Dean tipped his face into the wind rushing in from the window, clearing the cobwebs from his mind. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel, alarmed at the weakness weighing down his muscles and the weariness infusing his bones.
Revised version #2: The rumble of the Impala grounding him, Dean tipped his face into the wind rushing in from the window and breathed deep. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel, alarmed at the weakness heavy in his muscles and the pervading, bone-deep weariness.