Communication
I've noticed a fundamental flaw with my Livejournal--a lack of communication. Originally I intended to use this jounral to communicate my thoughts as a a writer of fiction, poetry, philosophy (I try) and politics. This has not happened. Yesterday's post, while extremely useless, served to clear my head, to interrupt my one-person trainwreck, and allow me to recollect my thoughts. The fact is that I'm drifting apart from nearly everyone. The only people I haven't really lost are dark_eco_sage (I don't know if you want your real name mentioned), Delcat, Lita, Meiran (mostly), and Unmei. Everyone else I have alienated, offended, or driven away in some way, shape, or form. This Livejournal has become another instrument of that and it makes me unhappy. What I'd wanted to do is try and reopen lines of communication on what I'd hoped was a meaningful level. This obviously has not happened, as I've mentioned, and I can think of quite a few reasons. One is that a lot of my friends really don't care about what I do. Frustrating though it is, I know no one really cares about the tickings of the human mind and what I see as the self-destructive nature of the government. More than that, they don't care enough to bother to disagree, or certainly not enough to say so. I realise that the fact that I value animals and trees over people is somewhat off-putting (I'm talking to you, Chris), but I have no respect for people and quite frankly too many people are giving them the benefit of consideration. As long as we view people as being inherently more valuable than the world we're on or the animals that share it with us, we're going to keep plowing through it like so many locomotives in saltwater marsh. Caring about animals is not the same as valuing them, and valuing them is not the same as considering them. This is how I feel and I realise most people are going (once again) to dismiss me as silly, misguided, or merely stupid. I can honestly say I do not care what you people think since you're the one ones who are likely fueling my disgust for humanity anyway. There's a level of emotion I can't convey and so I give up. I can't talk to you anymore you and you can rot with your toxic pools of sludge and rotting corpses. I'll pretend it doesn't infuriate me to the point of tears. We'll all be happy.
I digress. Another reason is that when I write I find it very difficult to be light and conversational, moreso than in normal life. I don't know why, but something prevents me from relating to people on a casual conversational level and it's never more evident that when I'm writing. To be completely honest, this entire thing is written the instant I think of it, a literal nonstop stream of thought. These posts are VRY slightly edited from the thoughts that form in my mind. This is how I think. And it's offencive and unpleasant and not what anyone wants, especially when they're trying to relax. So I am more or less a failure in a critical portion of my life. I fail as a friend, a communicator, and a social individual as a whole. So screw this. Screw communication. If I cannot manage to evoke a response with friendly words or unfriendly ones (without any form of immature prodding in AIM or whatever), then I obviously don't have what it takes to hold a normal discussion on any sort of level, and certainly not on a serious one. I cannot say anything worth caring about, so I can't claim to say anything at all.
I digress. Another reason is that when I write I find it very difficult to be light and conversational, moreso than in normal life. I don't know why, but something prevents me from relating to people on a casual conversational level and it's never more evident that when I'm writing. To be completely honest, this entire thing is written the instant I think of it, a literal nonstop stream of thought. These posts are VRY slightly edited from the thoughts that form in my mind. This is how I think. And it's offencive and unpleasant and not what anyone wants, especially when they're trying to relax. So I am more or less a failure in a critical portion of my life. I fail as a friend, a communicator, and a social individual as a whole. So screw this. Screw communication. If I cannot manage to evoke a response with friendly words or unfriendly ones (without any form of immature prodding in AIM or whatever), then I obviously don't have what it takes to hold a normal discussion on any sort of level, and certainly not on a serious one. I cannot say anything worth caring about, so I can't claim to say anything at all.