If You're Looking for It: Part Three
Part Two | Master Post | Art
It only takes a couple of weeks for the problem with Jensen's plan to become apparent: he is utterly incapable of just ignoring what happened. While Jared seems wholly unaffected, Jensen feels like he's going insane.
Anytime Jared touches Jensen, his heart rate speeds up and his stomach does this weird, twisty thing. Jensen has always known, mostly inconsequentially, that Jared is a touchy-feely person. He's always sprawling himself out on the couch, halfway on top of Jensen if necessary, or brushing up behind Jensen while he's washing the dishes, or knocking their legs together at lunch when they have to fit into a booth that's too small to easily contain their legs, or crowding into the laundry room where there is barely room for them to move without their arms brushing, or--basically, Jared is constantly touching Jensen. And it's not that Jensen didn't know this, and, okay, maybe kind of enjoy that Jared felt comfortable enough with him to do that, but--it's different now.
When they touch now, Jensen remembers how it felt to have Jared touching him everywhere, Jared on top of him with their bare skin pressed together, Jared's hands running over his stomach, his chest, into his hair, Jared's mouth on his neck, his shoulders, biting, sucking, breathing damply against his skin. And Jensen knows what it feels like to kiss Jared, what Jared's mouth tastes like, what his skin tastes like, how his cock feels pressed against his own, how--
Jensen is not supposed to think about these things every time Jared gets within a foot of him, but his thoughts tend to spiral out of control before he can stop them.
If that wasn't bad enough, one day Jensen is at work, taking a break because he's starting to get a headache from eye strain. He's out in the store, looking for Jared, and when he finds him, he's with a customer. The guy is about six inches shorter than Jared and has short blond hair, and he is blatantly flirting with Jared. He's leaning in closer to Jared than is remotely necessary and smiling up at him, and he reaches out to touch Jared's arm casually. It's clear to Jensen that Jared is not interested, but the guy keeps talking. And, really, what's up with that; they're probably not even talking about books. Jensen glares before he realizes he's doing it, and when he does, he reminds himself that he's not a jealous asshole. And also Jared is not his boyfriend, no matter what his family thinks.
Seriously, Jensen is ridiculous. And maybe a little bit screwed.
***
Jensen spends a few days panicking slightly, not that he'd admit that to anyone. He's pretty sure this situation warrants at least some degree of panicking, so he doesn't feel too bad about it. It doesn't take long for him to get sick of it, though. Jensen refuses to live in a state of constant arousal, secretly pining after Jared like a lovesick teenager. It's not even totally Jensen's fault; Jared is really the one who keeps getting physical with Jensen, and they are adults. They can talk about this like adults.
Jensen decides to confront Jared on a Thursday. Neither of them has to work, and Jensen gets up before Jared does--clearly a testament to how severely this whole situation is affecting him. Jensen's thought about how he's going to bring the subject up with Jared, what exactly he's going to say, but he can't make his mind up for more than about half an hour before changing it again, so he's basically going to have to wing it. He waits until Jared has eaten, trying to give him time wake up and not wanting him to feel like Jensen has been up waiting to ambush him or something, even though he essentially has.
"Hey," Jensen says, sitting back in his chair and trying to sound casual. "Can we talk?"
"Sure." Jared sounds completely unsuspecting, and Jensen wonders if it's real or an act. "What's up?"
Jensen scratches at the back of his neck, rolling his lips between his teeth and taking a moment to gather up the courage to say, "Um, about that night, uh, after Katie's party--"
"Jensen," Jared cuts him off. "Do we really need to do this?"
"Uh, I think--yeah. Maybe," Jensen says unsurely. When Jared doesn't say anything, he continues, "I just don't understand what happened."
"I told you," Jared says calmly. "I had too much drink; I wasn't thinking clearly."
"You didn't drink that much."
Jared just shrugs, and Jensen sighs, frustrated. "Jared. Seriously."
"I don't know what you want me to say, Jensen. I already said I was sorry."
"I know; that's not--"
"I can't do anything else. I can't--" Jared stops, looking a little desperate. "I don't think we're gonna accomplish anything by talking about this."
"I just want--"
"Well, I don't," Jared says. Jensen makes a frustrated noise, annoyed that Jared won't let him get a full sentence out. "Look, Jensen, let's forget about it, okay? Just like--the other time."
"Jared--"
"It won't happen again," Jared says. "I promise." And with that he gets up, not even bothering to put his plate in the sink before he walks out and leaves Jensen alone in the kitchen. Frustrated, Jensen heaves a sigh and lets his head drop down onto the table.
***
Jensen's not entirely happy with the way they're leaving things, but he doesn't know what he can do about it. Jared's obviously not going to talk about it, and if Jensen's honest, he's not sure what good it would do anyway. Jensen's not completely sure how long he's been suppressing these more than friendly feelings for Jared, but he's relatively sure this is not the type of thing to pop up over night. He's always known Jared was attractive, and a great guy, and, okay, when they'd first met, Jensen had immediately wanted him. But having more than friendship hadn't been an option since nearly six years ago, when Jensen decided he couldn't sacrifice a friendship with Jared for a relationship he wasn't emotionally capable of at that point. They'd agreed to be friends then, and Jensen hasn't really looked back since. And everything was going fine until he went and moved in with Jared, agreed to pretend to be his boyfriend, and then kind of had sex with him.
When put that way, it's possible Jensen shouldn't be at all surprised he's gotten himself into this mess.
Jensen doesn't know what's going on with Jared and the whole almost having sex with your best friend-slash-roommate thing, but he honestly doesn't think it's anything like what's going on with him. The only thing talking to Jared about it is likely to accomplish is Jensen ending up having to talk about his feelings or something, which is going to fuck everything up.
So Jensen's going to have to keep it to himself and figure out how to deal with this. He's apparently done it before; surely he can do it again.
***
Jared convinces Jensen to go see a movie with Chad and Kenzie. It's not something that sounds like a fun time to Jensen, but--
"It'll be fun," Jared says earnestly.
"You use that word a lot." Jensen looks at Jared, unimpressed.
Jared scoffs. "You say that like it's a bad thing."
"I say that like it's a lie," Jensen corrects. "You want me to go to a movie with Chad."
"I don't want you to date him or anything." Jared rolls his eyes at Jensen's look of horror. "Movie theaters are dark. You can pretend he's not even there."
Jensen barely puts up a fight before giving in, and Jared looks a bit smug, like he never had any doubts.
"But you're buying me popcorn," Jensen says firmly. "The biggest one they have."
"Deal," Jared agrees.
Jared does buy the biggest tub of popcorn available, but he makes Jensen share it with him. Jensen puts up a token protest, but secretly he is a little horrified at the thought of that amount of popcorn being eaten by one person. He also gets a small thrill every time Jared's hand bumps into his over the tub; it's kind of pathetic, and he tries hard to ignore it.
Jared spends half of his time shifting around, trying to get comfortable and bumping his knee into Jensen's every time he moves. He also keeps invading Jensen's space so he can comment on the movie while keeping his voice low enough that it doesn't bother anyone else. His lips brush Jensen's ear on almost every word, and Jensen has to fight to keep from shivering. Jensen is half hard within fifteen minutes. It's ridiculous, and Jared being half pressed up against him constantly isn't helping, but it's not like he can really move away.
About halfway through the movie, they're mostly out of popcorn, and Jared leans in close to Jensen, keeping his voice low. "I'm getting a refill." Jensen raises an eyebrow at him, and Jared continues, "It's like getting one popcorn free. You can't just not get the free popcorn." Jensen snorts, and one of the women sitting in front of them turns to shush him; Jensen glares at her and hopes she can see it in the dark theater. Jensen can practically feel Jared stifling his laughter before he goes to get more popcorn.
When they're standing out in front of the theater after the movie's over, Kenzie says, "We should do this double date thing again." Jensen coughs, nearly choking on the coke he's drinking. Jared gives him a pat on the back, and Jensen shrugs him off.
"We're not on a date," Jensen says, more passionately than necessary.
"Oh." Kenzie's eyebrows go up in surprise, and she blushes. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," Jared says. "We should hang out more often anyway." Jensen nods vaguely in agreement, ignoring the strange look Jared's giving him.
"Hey, what are you doing tonight?" Chad asks. "My friend's having a party, and--"
Jensen groans loudly, and Jared laughs. "It's a different friend from that other time," Chad says, and even he sounds amused.
Jared shakes his head. "Maybe next time. Some of us have to be at work in the morning."
The two couples say goodbye and part ways in the parking lot. Jensen is quiet on the drive home; his thoughts keep drifting to Kenzie talking about double dating. He'd been afraid he was overreacting as soon as he'd said the words, that Kenzie hadn't meant anything by it, but her surprised reaction said otherwise. It's not the first time someone assumed he and Jared were together; it happens sometimes, and Jensen doesn't think much of it. But it is the first time anyone has thought they were on a date with Jared and Jensen, and Jensen thinks maybe that is a little different. Usually when people make that mistake, they don't even know them, but Kenzie had been around them all night and still thought they were a couple.
Jensen can't stop thinking about it even half an hour later when he's lying in bed, wondering how many other people saw them and assumed they were on a date tonight. He remembers the way Jared leaned into him during the movie, whispering in his ear and reaching across him for handfuls of popcorn, and he thinks maybe it was a lot. His cock starts to harden just thinking about it, and Jensen remembers that, too, how Jared had him half hard all night long with his close proximity and constant touches. Jensen imagines how it would have been different if they'd actually been on a date, if Jared would have touched him with more purpose, if he would have kissed him, his mouth tasting like salt and fake butter.
Jensen slides his boxers down and curls his hand around his erection, and he thinks about Jared doing that, too, right there in the movie theater. Jared unzipping his jeans and pulling his cock out in the open, moving his hand slowly to keep from drawing attention. Jared would lean in close, trying to disguise his actions, and whisper, his mouth pressed right up against Jensen's ear, telling Jensen all the filthy things he'd do to him when they got home.
Jensen bites his lip, imagining it's Jared's hand stroking his cock as he comes, warm come splashing over his stomach. After a minute, Jensen wipes himself clean with discarded shirt and pulls his boxers back up. He clenches his eyes shut tight.
And he thought denial was supposed to be easy.
***
They're watching TV, halfway paying attention and halfway making fun of the movie that's on, when Jared mentions the barbeque his parents are having in a few weeks.
"There's not really any occasion," he says. "Mom is just looking for an excuse to get everyone together since things were so hectic at the wedding."
"A family reunion, huh," Jensen says. "What did I tell you?"
Jared laughs. "It's not a family reunion, jerk. It's just a… thing." He shrugs, making a vague gesture.
"Still."
"Yes, you're still right about everything ever," Jared says. "Anyway, I told my mom we'd be there, but I figured I should maybe actually mention it to you too."
"Oh," Jensen says, fiddling with a loose thread on the couch cushion. "Um. Right."
"What?" Jared asks, frowning.
"Maybe that's not a very good idea," Jensen says hesitantly.
"Oh." Jared looks at Jensen, confusion clear on his face.
"Yeah," Jensen says unhelpfully.
Jared is quiet for a moment, just looking at Jensen. "Why exactly do you think it's a bad idea?"
Jensen shrugs uncomfortably. "I--this thing has been going on for a while. Maybe we should, you know…"
"What?"
"Maybe you should tell your family we broke up."
"Oh," Jared says. "I guess--yeah. If you want."
Jensen sighs. "It's just--I don't know. I'd hate for them to start getting ideas about us being serious or something." He doesn't mention that he doesn't think he could handle pretending to date Jared anymore without going crazy.
"Right."
"And it's not like we could pretend to be dating forever. It was going to have to stop eventually."
"Of course," Jared says, nodding. "You're right."
"And the whole point was to keep your mom from trying to set you up that guy, right? She probably won't be trying to set you up with anyone for a while if she thinks you're all--" Jensen waves his hand in Jared's general direction.
"Heartbroken over you?" Jared asks, smiling faintly.
Jensen makes an affirmative noise. "Basically. I mean, tell them we're still friends, but, you know, we--"
"Jensen," Jared interrupts softly. "I get it."
Jensen grimaces. "Sorry."
"Don't be." Jared shrugs. "Like I said, you're right. I'll tell her we broke up. It's not a problem."
"Okay," Jensen says. "Yeah, okay."
They watch the rest of the movie in silence, and Jensen almost feels like he actually broke up with Jared instead of just deciding to pretend to.
***
Jared starts bringing his work home with him, something he's rarely done before. It seems he is willing to ignore the fact that Jensen works with him and knows that there's not anything too pressing to get done; most of the paperwork he deals with has to be done daily at the store, and making out the schedule for employees can't take that long. He starts spending more time shut up in his room alone, and when he does come out, he's quieter than usual, hardly talking at all. One day he even skips lunch, giving Jensen an apologetic look as he tells him that he has too much work to do and Jensen should go on without him. And if Jensen didn't already know that was total bullshit, it's made abundantly clear later when Jensen catches Samantha worrying over Jared, telling him he's working too hard, asking if everything is all right.
Regardless of what Jared says, everything is clearly not all right. Jensen lets it go on for almost a week, hoping things will go back to normal if he ignores the situation, before he dares to even vaguely bring it up with Jared.
"You've been kind of quiet lately," Jensen says when they're both in the office at work. It's an almost laughable understatement and hardly what he really wants to say, but it's as direct as he can bring himself to be.
"You think so?" Jared looks over at Jensen from where he sits behind Samantha's desk.
"Yeah. Everything okay?"
"Fine," Jared says, turning back to the computer. "I guess I've been preoccupied with work."
"Yeah," Jensen says again. He turns back to his own work after a moment, not knowing what else to say and feeling ridiculous about it because since when is it hard for him to figure out what to say to Jared?
If he's honest with himself, Jensen admits he is a little bit pissed. At Jared, for acting this way, for apparently being upset with Jensen about him fake breaking up with him and not bothering to say he's upset with him about it, but at himself too, for letting things go so far in this direction and not having any idea what to do about it. It's not as though he and Jared have never fought before, but they've never done--whatever this is; they're not even really fighting, but Jensen doesn't know what to call it. They've never done this, and Jensen has no fucking clue what he's supposed to do in this situation
***
Jensen finds himself turning to Katie, sprawled out on her couch with his feet propped up on her coffee table, spilling out all of his concerns.
"This is precisely what I was afraid of," Katie says from where she sits perched on the other end of the couch.
"What?" Jensen asks, disbelieving.
"I told you it wasn't a good idea to move in with him, work with him, and be around him all the time," she says. "And I told you it wasn't a good idea to let his family think you were dating." Katie pauses, wincing. "Sorry. I don't want to be all, 'I told you so,' but--"
"But you told me so?" Jensen says, laughing a little despite the circumstance.
"Well." Katie shrugs. "I'm just saying it was bound to happen eventually."
"What was?"
"This whole thing," she says, waving her hand in Jensen's direction. "Well, maybe not this exact situation, but with you harboring all those feelings--"
"I wasn't harboring feelings," Jensen protests. Katie raises her eyebrows skeptically, not even bothering to address Jensen's interruption.
"With you harboring all those feelings, it's not surprising it all got out of control eventually."
"I wasn't harboring any feelings," Jensen says again, petulant.
"I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you totally were," Katie says with a sympathetic look on her face.
Jensen groans. "Is it seriously that obvious?"
"Not to everyone. I don't think."
"Well, that's reassuring. Why didn't you ever say anything about it?"
Katie shrugs. "I don't know. You seemed so oblivious whenever I even hinted at it. I figured either you didn't want to talk about it or you actually were that oblivious," she says, pausing for a second. "So which one is it?"
"I wasn't trying to keep any secrets," Jensen says honestly. "It's not like I've just been sitting around pining after him or something."
"Then what is it like, exactly?"
Jensen shrugs. "I don't know. When we first met, it was--we actually went on a couple of dates."
"Seriously?" Katie asks, her eyes widening a little.
"Yeah. But don't get too excited," Jensen warns her. "It didn't amount to much. I asked him out, we went out, and--it wasn't bad or anything, but we decided to just be friends. I was--kind of a mess, really. I wasn't in any position to be dating anybody. It was right after I came out to my parents, and they--well, you know," Jensen makes a gesture in the air because even after six years it's hard for him to talk about his parents disowning him. "So, anyway, that was that."
Katie rolls her eyes. "It was obviously not just that."
"It was though," Jensen protests. "Well, I mean, it's not like I never thought about him like that, but I didn't think it meant anything."
"So you really are that oblivious."
"Shut up," Jensen says mildly. "Look, if it had been a big thing, I would have said something to him. I'm not twelve. But it wasn't. Not then, at least. And okay," he admits, "maybe I've been a little bit oblivious more recently."
"Clearly," Katie says.
Jensen bites his lip. "Yeah. And now--everything is so fucked up. I can't say anything to him; it would only make everything worse."
"Maybe," Katie agrees. "But maybe not. Maybe you should talk to him about it."
"I already tried that," Jensen says. "Twice. I don't think I can, like, literally force him to talk to me. I'll piss him off even more."
"Yeah." Katie sighs. "I wish I could help more; I just don't know him that well."
"I just wish I knew what was going on with him. He was acting totally normal; I mean, I was actually annoyed at how normal he was acting and how was pretending we didn't totally almost have sex. I told him we shouldn't pretend to be dating anymore, and now it's all weird," Jensen says, and then he has a thought. "Maybe he figured it out, and now he's uncomfortable around me and doesn't want to say anything." It hadn't occurred to Jensen before, but it might actually make sense.
"I don't know," Katie says. "If he didn't realize before, I don't think that would have clued him in."
"Well maybe he already suspected. I did kind of make out with him and try to have sex with him a couple of times too, remember?"
Katie waves her hand dismissively. "People have meaningless sex all the time."
Jensen laughs without cheer. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"I didn't mean it that way. I meant maybe he thinks it didn't mean anything to you."
"Maybe," Jensen concedes. "But he's the one who stopped it and kept saying it was a mistake that should never happen again, not me."
"Yeah. I still don't think you're going to know what's going on unless you guys talk."
Jensen sighs forlornly.
"Sorry," Katie says. "Want to talk about something less depressing?"
"Please," Jensen says emphatically.
"I've been thinking about adopting a kitten," Katie offers, and Jensen gladly listens to Katie debate the pros and cons of raising a kitten as he tries to forget about the whole thing with Jared for a little bit.
***
Jensen starts dreading going to work. Samantha never says anything to him, but Jensen keeps catching her sending him concerned looks when she thinks he's not paying attention; she does the same thing to Jared. Eventually, even Chad starts staring at Jensen all sympathetically, and Jensen knows it must be obvious something's going on between Jared and him if Chad is feeling sorry for him.
Surprisingly, Jared keeps scheduling himself to work at the same time Jensen does most days. It would make it a lot easier for Jared to avoid him if he didn't, but then maybe Jared is trying not to be obvious about it. Jensen thinks it would be preferable if they weren't working together. Jared spends an entire break period talking about the weather--seriously, the fucking weather--and Jensen kind of wants to scream at him. Jensen is trying to be patient and let Jared work through his shit in his own time, but it's getting harder and harder to do.
***
Jensen walks into the kitchen on a Tuesday, intending to riffle through the cabinets even though he already knows there's not really anything to eat. They need to go grocery shopping, and if even Jensen thinks so, it's getting bad. He opens up the refrigerator, and--there is actually food in there. Where there was most definitely nothing in there the day before but some ketchup and moldy lettuce. Jensen bites his lip and steps into the living room where Jared is.
"Did you go grocery shopping?" he asks, as if there could be some other explanation.
Jared looks up at Jensen from where he's sitting on the couch. "Yeah," he says. "Last night, while you were at work."
"You didn't even ask me to go." Jensen is silently thankful his voice comes out calm and even.
Jared shrugs and wrinkles his brow. "You hate going to the grocery store. I didn't think you'd want to go."
"I would have gone if you'd asked me to."
"It's fine," Jared says. "It's not a big deal."
Jensen wants to disagree with that, but he doesn't. "Okay," he says instead. "Yeah, um. Thanks, then."
"Sure." Jared turns his attention back to the television, and Jensen walks down the hall and into his room. Jensen does hate grocery shopping; he should be grateful. There is no reason for his chest to feel so tight.
***
Jared goes to the barbeque at his parents' house alone, and Jensen is not even ashamed to admit that he hid in his room before Jared left that morning. Jensen can't help thinking about the fact that a big part of the reason things are so fucked up right now is because of the stupid barbeque and Jensen's refusal to go. Jensen never thought he'd be so happy to see Jared leave, or--not happy maybe, but relieved. And he feels bad even thinking it, but he can't help feeling a bit lighter knowing he'll have almost two whole days without the heavy air of tension that clouds around him when he's in the same room as Jared lately. Jensen is so fucking tired, mentally and physically, and he just wants a few days to unwind.
It doesn't work though, not really. Jensen tries to relax and get his mind off things, but his thoughts keep coming back to Jared. Then Sharon calls the next afternoon, and Jensen wishes he could say he's surprised, but he's basically been expecting it since the minute Jared left.
"I wanted to see how you're doing," she says after a few minutes of mostly pointless conversation.
"Jared told you we broke up," Jensen says. She hasn't mentioned it, but Jensen doesn't feel like pretending that's not why she's calling.
"He did," she confirms.
"Yeah. Sorry--"
"You don't need to apologize," Sharon says, sounding almost amused. "Like I said, I just wanted to see how you were."
"Okay. Yeah, I'm fine."
"Jensen," she says after a short pause. "You've been Jared's friend for a while now; he really cares about you. I really care about you, too."
"I know," Jensen says because he does, and he doesn’t know what else to say.
"I know your family isn't really--available," she pauses while Jensen snorts at that. "Yes, well," she says, laughing a little. "I want you to know that you can still call me if you ever need to talk. I know you have friends, but--I'm still available too."
"I know," he says again, biting his lip.
"Good."
"I think we really screwed things up," Jensen says before he can think about it. "I just--I want us to be able to still be friends."
"I know. And I know Jared wants that, too."
"Yeah?"
"Of course he does," she admonishes. "But it's going to take some time. You're both hurting right now; you two just need some space."
"Yeah," Jensen says, wondering what exactly Jared's been doing or saying to convince his mom he's upset about breaking up with Jensen. "Maybe you're right."
"Don't sound so surprised," she says, laughing.
"Sorry," Jensen says, laughing a little now too. "Um, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Really."
"Of course," Sharon says. "I'm here anytime; I mean it."
Jared gets home a handful of hours later, and Jensen thinks Sharon probably called him almost immediately after Jared left her house.
Jensen has spent the last few hours thinking, and Jared is barely through the door when Jensen approaches him. "Your mom called me earlier."
Jared winces. "I figured she would. What did she say?"
"Not much," Jensen says. "She seemed pretty concerned though."
"Yeah, she was kind of upset when I told her about the breakup."
"Yeah?"
Jared sighs. "She kept asking me if I was sure we couldn't work things out, and I…" he trails off, and Jensen raises an eyebrow in question.
"You what?"
"Nothing," Jared says, shaking his head and shrugging. "I--I feel bad about lying to her. I don't know what I was thinking."
"Yeah," Jensen agrees softly. "You could--maybe you should tell her the truth."
Jared laughs without amusement. "I don't--I don't know. Maybe."
"So, listen," Jensen says and takes a deep breath. "Your mom was telling me she thinks we probably need some space from each other."
"Okay," Jared says slowly, sounding unsure.
"Well, I think maybe she's right."
"Jensen, we--we didn't really break up, you know?"
Jensen sighs. "I know, but. Something else is going on here, Jared."
"Jensen--"
"No," Jensen interrupts. "I'm tired of pretending everything is okay, that there's nothing going on. I can't do it anymore." Jared's eyes widen a little, and he goes slightly pale. Jensen wonders if he honestly thought Jensen didn't realize anything was up.
"Okay," Jared says. "You want space. Okay."
"I'm going to start looking for an apartment again."
"You're moving out?" Jared asks, and he looks almost shocked.
"This was only supposed to be temporary anyway."
"Yeah, but--"
"Jared, come on," Jensen says, cajoling. "It's not a big deal, man. I'm not--I just think I should get my own place."
"Okay," Jared says, sounding resigned.
"Okay. So, uh, do you want to talk about what's been going on lately, maybe?" Jensen tries, thinking maybe the fact that Jared's not denying things have been weird means he'll be willing to actually talk about it.
Jared sucks in a breath. "No, I don't--don’t think that's necessary," he says, and a moment later he's gone off into his room.
It stings, but Jensen figures he shouldn't have expected anything else.
***
Jensen gives up on Jared coming out for dinner after several hours and makes himself a sandwich. He eats in front of the TV so he's not just sitting alone in silence, and it's weird without Jared there. It's not like they always eat together, but--well, when they're both home, they do. It's just worked out that way since Jensen moved in, with Jared cooking something most of the time just because he wants to, Jensen throwing something easy together occasionally, and them ordering take out the rest of the time. It's weird now to think of Jared, alone in his room, avoiding Jensen. Jensen wants to go apologize to him, say whatever Jared needs him to say to get him to come out, though he doesn't know what that would be. He can't convince himself that's a good idea, though, so he stays where he is.
About ten minutes after Jensen goes to bed, he hears Jared's door open and the sound of Jared rummaging around in the kitchen not long after that. Jensen stomach aches a little, and it takes him a while to fall asleep.
***
"Maybe I'm being drastic," Jensen tells Katie the next day when he's at her apartment, taking refuge.
"Drastic? Jensen, you've been going on about how weird Jared's been being for weeks."
"I know. But this moving out thing--I didn't really think it through. Maybe I shouldn't."
"No. No way," Katie says. "Seriously, I don't care what's going on with Jared--"
"Katie," Jensen says, almost scandalized.
Katie rolls her eyes. "That's not what I mean; let me finish. Whatever is going on with Jared, you are stressing the fuck out about it, and you're not happy living there."
"He seemed upset, though. I'm going to move, and he's going to hate me; things are never going to get any better."
"Jensen, I love you, but sometimes you are kind of irrational."
"This isn't a joke," Jensen says, exasperated.
Katie sighs. "I know it's not a joke. But I'm serious. Getting your own place is not a crime. So you guys are going through a rough patch; maybe you really do just need space."
"Maybe."
"God, stop looking so depressing," Katie says, smacking his arm lightly. "Your face is making me want to cry."
"You're terrible at cheering people up," Jensen says, giving her a small smile.
"I never said I wasn't. Now come on, you're supposed to be looking for an apartment in the rental ads."
***
It doesn't take long for Jensen to remember why he'd moved in with Jared in the first place: it's really fucking hard to find somewhere else to live. Katie claims Jensen is overly picky, raising one eyebrow skeptically at him every time he comes up with a reason to reject a place she suggests. She seems convinced he's doing it on purpose at this point, but he's not. Jensen is not finding living with Jared particularly fun right now. Not that he's even seen Jared all that much in the five days since Jensen told him he planned to move out. Jared spends most of his time around Jensen looking guilty and unsure; Jensen would ask him about it, but he's tired of trying to force Jared to talk to him. Jensen got tired of the awkward tension following Jared and him around, so they've been practicing mutual avoidance for the last several days.
Jensen is in his room, sitting on his bed and frowning at an email of apartment listings Katie's sent him, when he hears a knock on his open door. He probably shouldn't be surprised when he looks up to find Jared standing there, but he is.
"Hey," Jared says after a moment, and Jensen realizes he's just been staring at him blankly.
"Hey," Jensen returns, blinking and giving himself a mental shake. "What's up?"
"I wanted to talk to you for a minute." Jared bites his lip and fidgets where he stands.
"Sure," Jensen says. Jared continues to stand there awkwardly, so Jensen stands up, sets his laptop on the little desk shoved in the corner of his room, and turns to Jared. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Jared steps farther into Jensen's room, leaning against the wall. "Um, well, I wanted to apologize actually."
"For what?"
"I realized I've kind of been acting like a jerk lately."
"You haven't been acting like a jerk; you've just been--" Jensen waves his hand through the air, "I don't know. Weird."
Jared huffs out a laugh. "Well, I'm sorry for being weird then. I, um--I wasn't thinking clearly, and I just--I don't know."
"Okay," Jensen says, still unsure and hoping Jared will elaborate.
Jared sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair. "I--you're my best friend, Jensen. I didn't want to fuck that up."
"Hey. You didn't fuck anything up, man. Nothing is fucked up," Jensen says, and he feels almost like he's trying to will that to be true just by saying it enough. Jared frowns, looking unconvinced, and Jensen sighs. "Jared, I'm not--I only want to give you some space. Give us both some space."
"Yeah," Jared says softly, looking away. "I know. But I--I want you to know that when I told my mom you were my boyfriend, I didn't mean anything by it."
"Um," Jensen says, blinking at the seemingly abrupt change of topic. "I know."
"Okay. I didn't want you to think it was some sort of--I don't know, plan to trick you into dating me or something."
Jensen stares at Jared, bewildered, with no idea what Jared is talking about. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he says.
"Sorry, I'm, uh--kind of nervous," Jared says, licking his lips and ignoring Jensen's confused expression at the words. "I mean--I didn't do it on purpose. It wasn't until after all of that started, and we were there with my family, pretending we were a couple, and sleeping in the same bed--and, God, Jensen you are a clingy bastard in bed--and I don't even know what happened--"
"Jared--"
"Jensen, please, just--it was really hard to ignore it after that. I mean, I tried, but--then after Katie's party, I thought maybe--well, I could have handled that better, but I kind of panicked, and everything got out of control, then you were acting strange, and I was trying to get over it without you noticing, but obviously that didn't work. I didn't want my feelings for you to cause any problems between us, so I didn't want to talk about it, but--well, now you're leaving, and I--I couldn't not say anything anymore."
"Jesus, Jared," Jensen says, gaping at Jared when he realizes what he's talking about. "Fuck." Jensen sits down on his bed. He doesn't think he can handle standing up anymore. He doesn't think he can handle forming words right now either.
Jared looks worried; he takes a few steps toward Jensen and just stands there, hovering. "Are you okay? Hey, I'm really sorry. Am I making it worse? I didn't mean to ramble like that. Look, I thought maybe it would be better to have it out in the open because obviously not talking about it isn't working, and I don't want the fact that I have feelings for you to mess everything up."
"The fact that you--" Jensen can't help but laugh at how utterly ridiculous the situation is. Jared makes a hurt noise at that, and that cuts Jensen's laughter off pretty quick. "No," he says, standing up quickly and stepping toward Jared. "I'm not--it's just, this is kind of a ridiculous mess. We're both fucking idiots. Um, I didn't know why you were acting weird--"
"Oh God," Jared says, his eyes going wide. "So I just--and you didn't--"
"Yeah, but don't freak out, okay; I didn't know what was going on with you, and I thought maybe if I moved out it would help, but--Jared, I've spent the last couple of months trying really hard to get over the way I feel about you. So." Jensen takes a breath and stares at Jared.
"Oh," Jared says, and Jensen watches a smile spread across his face. "So you--"
"Yeah."
"You're right," Jared says, stepping up into Jensen's space so there's barely an inch between them. "We're both idiots."
"Yeah, so--" Jensen starts, but he's cut off by Jared leaning down to kiss him.
Jensen doesn't hesitate; he brings his arms up around Jared's neck and kisses him back. Suddenly, Jared's hands are at Jensen's waist, then running up under his shirt, pulling him closer, sliding over his skin, everywhere. Jensen opens his mouth wider, letting Jared's tongue in to slide against his own. Jared presses forward harder, clicking their teeth together and tugging Jensen snugly up against him. Jensen's heart races, and his skin flushes; he can practically feel the blood rushing through his body as he starts to get hard.
Jensen pulls back after a minute, his mouth only a few inches away from Jared's. "Should we--talk about this or something?" He isn't sure it's necessary but figures this time he should ask before things get too far.
Jared shifts a little, pulling back just enough that he can blink at Jensen. "Um. If you want to."
"I just--I don't want there to be any confusion this time."
"I think we're on the same page now," Jared says. "But we can discuss it further if you think we need to." He starts to pull away, but Jensen stops him before he gets too far.
"No, just. If you're sure?" Jensen watches Jared intently.
"Trust me," Jared says seriously. "I'm sure. I promise."
Jensen nods. "Okay. Yeah, me too."
"Good." Jared grins. "So, can we..." he trails off, pressing closer again, shifting his hips into Jensen and making his intentions clear.
"Yeah," Jensen says fervently. "Definitely." Jared laughs a little and pulls Jensen into another kiss, and Jensen forgets all about talking.
Jensen backs up, pulling Jared with him, shuffling back until he reaches the bed so he can fall back onto it. Jared follows him down easily, Jensen's arms still around his neck, and Jared gets his hands around Jensen's thighs and tugs, roughly pulling him farther onto the bed. Jensen's breath hitches, and he can feel Jared's smirk against his mouth.
Jared settles himself over Jensen with one leg between his thighs, and he bites at Jensen's lip before slipping his tongue back into Jensen's mouth. He raises one hand up to hold Jensen's head where he wants it; Jensen doesn't protest, just opens his mouth wider and kisses Jared until his lips are tingling and feeling raw.
When Jared pulls back, Jensen can't stop the disappointed noise that leaves his mouth. Jared chuckles and pulls his shirt off quickly, tossing it carelessly to the side. "Yours too," he says, tugging at Jensen's shirt, and Jensen obeys instantly, sitting up and jerking it over his head. Jared pushes him back down flat, covering Jensen once again and dipping his head down, mouthing at Jensen's neck.
Jensen chews on his own lip as Jared bites and sucks at him; Jared's tongue flits out against his skin, teasing, and Jensen shivers, arching up against Jared's mouth. He clutches at Jared's sides, his nails biting into the skin there and leaving marks as Jared trails down, nipping at Jensen's collar bone, then lower, and Jensen jerks when he reaches a nipple and bites down.
Jared slides one hand down to press against Jensen's erection, and Jensen bucks up against it, cursing. Jared keeps moving lower, keeping his palm moving gently against Jensen's cock as he runs his mouth over the skin on Jensen's stomach. Jensen's hips twitch, trying to get Jared's hand to press harder, give him the friction that he needs. Jared flicks his tongue into Jensen's navel, and Jensen gasps, clenching his fists in the sheets as his stomach flutters under the touch.
Jared finally moves down until he reaches the top of Jensen's jeans, and he stops, biting down on the skin there before laving over it with his tongue. Jensen is going to be covered in bite marks and bruises before this is over, and the thought of it makes him feel hotter, harder where he's already straining in his jeans.
Jared moves his hand to the button of Jensen's jeans, resting it there and looking up questioningly, and Jensen is nodding so fast he almost makes himself dizzy with it. Jared gets Jensen's jeans down around his thighs and holds Jensen down with an arm thrown across his stomach. He holds Jensen's cock steady with one hand at the base and flicks his tongue out, running it over the head. He continues licking at Jensen, swirling his tongue over the tip of his cock, teasing until Jensen is squirming for more, straining against the arm pinning him down, desperate to have Jared's mouth on him.
"Please." Jensen gasps, unable to hold it in any longer. "Jared, fuck--" Jensen cuts himself off with a moan when Jared hums and finally slides his mouth down on Jensen's cock, engulfing him in heat and taking him all the way in, pressing down until he can't go any farther, Jensen buried in his throat. Jensen groans, incapable of forming words, and flexes his toes, feeling like he could almost come right now from the combination of feeling Jared's mouth, hot and wet, and seeing it, Jared's lips, flushed and swollen and shiny, stretched around him.
Jared pulls back, gasping for air before sucking at Jensen sloppily, swirling his tongue around. Jared pulls all the way off after only a few minutes, and Jensen can't do anything but blink at him stupidly.
"What," Jensen says, groaning in protests when Jared sits up.
"I thought maybe this time we could try actually getting naked," Jared says, his voice raspy. "If that's okay with you?"
Jensen blinks again, looking down. He'd forgotten they were still wearing clothes; Jared's jeans aren't even unbuttoned yet. "Yeah," he agrees. "Yes. Get naked."
Jared laughs but obeys, and Jensen watches as he stands up and undoes his jeans, shoving them down to the floor and kicking them out of the way. Jensen sits up and shoves his own jeans and boxers down the rest of way, letting them fall to the floor as well before he slides to the edge of the bed. He tugs Jared toward him to stand between his legs and leans forward, nuzzling against Jared's stomach and pressing a kiss there. He dips down, breathing out over Jared's cloth covered erection. Jared makes a noise and jerks forward, brushing against Jensen's face, and Jensen reaches out to hold Jared steady with one hand on each of his hips.
Jared's boxers are damp where precome has soaked through, and Jensen puts his mouth there, mouthing at the head of Jared's cock through the cotton. Jared twitches toward him, and Jensen pulls back and tugs Jared's shorts all the way down, freeing his erection. Jensen bends forward again, pressing his lips to the tip before flicking his tongue out against the silky skin, lapping at the salty precome gathered there.
Jared makes a vague noise in protest when Jensen pulls back, but Jensen shakes his head. "Come on," he says, scooting back to give Jared room to climb onto the bed with him. When Jared slides onto the bed, Jensen tugs him close and pulls him down into a kiss, letting their tongues tangle together for a moment before pushing Jared down on his back.
Jared goes easily, his legs parting slightly, and Jensen sits up between them, eyes trailing over Jared's body, from his dark, pebbled nipples, across his smooth, flat stomach, and down to where his cock juts up, flushed dark and red, the tip glistening with spit and precome. Jensen smirks and rubs at Jared's thighs, pressing his legs farther apart as Jared flushes under his gaze. Jensen slides back and sprawls out on his stomach between Jared's legs, going straight for his cock. He'll have to get properly acquainted with the rest of Jared later; he doesn't have the patience to do it now.
Jensen's mouth is watering before he even gets it on Jared, and he wraps one hand around the base of Jared's cock and slides his mouth right down, sucking lightly at the head as he flits his tongue around, digging into the slit. Jared makes a noise and surges up, and he slides in until Jensen's mouth hits his own fist, keeping him from choking.
Jared's hand comes down on the back of Jensen's head, resting there as he bobs up and down, sucking at Jared and savoring the feel of him heavy on his tongue. Jensen moves his hand, slick with spit and precome, over the length of Jared he can't fit into his mouth.
All too soon, Jared is leaning up and tugging at Jensen, urging him off, and Jensen moans in protest, keeping his mouth around Jared's cock. Jared sucks in a breath and twitches but doesn't give up.
"Jensen," he says, slightly out of breath. "Jensen, stop."
Jensen pulls off and looks up at Jared, almost glaring, unimpressed with being interrupted from his task. Jared bites his lip; he's obviously holding back laughter, and Jensen is pretty sure he's pouting now.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing," Jared says, tugging Jensen up to give him a kiss, his tongue coming out to flick against Jensen's briefly before he backs off again. "But I was hoping you could fuck me."
A noise escapes Jensen at that, almost a growl, as a flood of want rushes through him, and he surges forward, pressing his mouth against Jared's and darting his tongue in quickly, licking into his mouth a few times before pulling back. "I can do that."
Jared settles back on his elbows as Jensen reaches over to his nightstand and takes out a condom and a tube of lube. He drops the condom on Jared's chest and flicks up the cap on the lube, but before he can do anything with it, Jared takes it from him, slicks his fingers up, and reaches down, whimpering a little as he presses two fingers inside himself.
Jensen groans and drops his head down against Jared's shoulder, taking several deep breaths before pulling back up. He scoots back far enough that he can look down and see where Jared's fingers are disappearing, shoved in deep, stretching himself open. Jensen bites at his lip and reaches down, slides his hand against Jared's to get it slick, and sinks one finger in beside Jared's.
"Fuck," Jared says, pulling his hand away and falling back flat on his back, letting Jensen take over. Jensen slides another finger into Jared's hole, twisting them around, sliding out and back in as Jared arches toward him. He continues until Jared is shifting around and making desperate little noises, begging for more without words. He starts to add a third finger, but Jared shakes his head, grabbing the condom and trying to open it with slick fingers.
Jensen slides his own fingers out and hastily wipes them against the sheet, then takes the package from Jared, tearing it open and quickly rolling the condom down on his cock. Jared reaches down, and Jensen bites back a moan as Jared wraps his slick hand around Jensen, stroking a few times and messily spreading lube around before pulling back. Jensen tucks in closer to Jared, using one arm to brace himself over him and reaching between them with the other, lining himself up and pushing into Jared.
Jared tilts his head back, mouth open around a moan as Jensen slides into him. Jensen sinks in slowly, twisting his face up in concentration, focusing on not coming too soon as Jared clenches around him, hot and tight. Jensen stops when he's pressed in as deep as he can get and braces himself on his forearms, panting.
"Come on," Jared says roughly as he clutches at Jensen's shoulders and brings one leg up around him, trying to pull him in closer; he rolls his hips, encouraging Jensen to move. Jensen complies, watching Jared's face as he starts thrusting, pulling almost all the way out, leaving Jared clenching around just the head of his cock before he thrusts back in, quick and smooth. He shifts on each thrust until Jared clenches his eyes shut and tenses around him, shuddering.
"Fuck, yeah," Jared says. "Right there, just--fuck, Jensen."
Jensen fucks into Jared steadily, positioned exactly how Jared wants him, and Jared rocks up against him, meeting each thrust with equal force. Jensen's pace quickens, and soon he is slamming into Jared, hard, as Jared writhes on his cock.
"God, Jared--" Jensen's voice is barely more than a rasp as heat pools in his belly, and he manages to brace himself on one arm, sliding the other between them and wrapping his hand around Jared's cock. He strokes once, twice, and then Jared is gasping and coming, his entire body shaking as he clenches around Jensen and hot come pulses out between them, coating Jensen's hand and Jared's chest. Jensen keeps his hand working on Jared's cock until Jared pushes it away.
Jared strains up, pressing his mouth to Jensen's for a messy kiss, and he bites down, tugging on Jensen's lip with his teeth. Jensen's hips stutter, and he manages a few more thrusts before he presses in as deep as he can, grinding his hips against Jared as he comes. He trembles, the intensity of his orgasm leaving him feeling weak, and he collapses mostly on top of Jared, panting. He presses a sloppy kiss to Jared's chest before resting his forehead there, breathing harshly as Jared hums and runs a hand up Jensen's back and into his hair.
Jensen collects himself enough to carefully pull out and dispose of the condom, tossing it toward the trash and not particularly caring where exactly it ends up. He falls back onto the bed, and Jared slides up close to him, slipping one hand behind Jensen's head and kissing him slowly, tongue sliding in deep and tangling lazily with Jensen's.
They separate after a moment, still working on fully catching their breath. Jared props himself up on one elbow and rests his other hand on Jensen's stomach.
"Hey," Jared says, looking down at Jensen.
"Hmm." Jensen blinks at him; he's not quite ready to try for actual words yet.
"So, do you wanna go on a date sometime or something?"
Jensen laughs, and Jared pokes him in the side, pouting. "Sorry," Jensen says, leaning up to give Jared a quick kiss. "Yes, Jared. I would love to go on a date with you sometime. Or something."
Jared tries to glare, but he's grinning, and he doesn't resist when Jensen pulls him into another kiss.
***
They eventually make it out of the bed and into the shower. And once the water runs cold, they make it out of the shower, too. They're too exhausted to bother with dinner on their own, so they order in, and while Jared's on the phone, Jensen has a passing thought of starting the laundry; his sheets are unbearably filthy. Then he realizes there's a whole other bed for him and Jared to mess up, and he can't stop grinning. Jared grins back when he sees it, like they're sharing some secret. He sits down on the couch next Jensen, pressed up against his side, and sighs.
"So," Jared says, sounding slightly ominous. "I might have told my mom the truth about us not really dating."
Jensen shifts so he can face Jared and raises an eyebrow at him. "You might have?"
"Okay, I did."
"And how did she take it?" Jensen figures it couldn't have been too bad, or he would have already gotten a phone call.
Jared shrugs. "Well, she said it wasn't necessary to spin an intricate web of deceit around her," he says, making a face. "I think she was going for dramatic there."
Jensen snorts. "Intricate? It was like the least thought out plan ever."
"Yeah, I told her that. Then she sighed and said, 'Jared, I love you, but you are an idiot.' It was a little disheartening."
"Your mother is very smart," Jensen says. Jared glares and swats at him playfully.
"Anyway," he says. "I think she would have been angrier if I wasn't so upset. I didn't even mean to tell her, but she kept saying I shouldn't worry because she was sure you and I would work things out, and I couldn't take it anymore. Besides, let's be honest, it's kind of a miracle I made it this long without blurting it out to her the first time she looked at me funny."
Jensen rubs Jared 's arm consolingly. "You should really know better than try to lie to or keep secrets from your mom," he says. Then he looks at Jared more seriously. "And you should know better than to think you can't talk to me about things."
"I know." Jared says. "I'm sor--"
"You don't have to apologize," Jensen interrupts, shooting Jared a reassuring smile. "I'm not exactly innocent here either. I'm just saying. Can we agree to at least try to avoid any absurd, unnecessary situations and misunderstandings in the future and actually talk to each other?"
"Yes," Jared says. "Definitely. We can agree to that."
Jensen grins. "Good. Now can we make out until the food gets here?"
"You're completely insatiable." Jared laughs, but he tugs at Jensen's waist, and Jensen shifts until he's straddling Jared's lap.
"I think you like it," Jensen says, wrapping his arms around Jared's neck.
Jared hums and gives Jensen a thoughtful look. "Maybe. We do have some time to make up for."
Jensen bites his lip and shrugs. "We've got plenty of time now," he says, and he doesn't just mean right now, while they're waiting on pizza.
"Yeah, we do." Jared smiles like he gets it and pulls Jensen in for a kiss.
Fic Master Post | Art Master Post
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