Today is the first day of the rest of my life
So, after 25 years of stumbling around, and four years after just saying "fuck it" and starting over, I finished my undergraduate work yesterday. It means nothing, and it means everything. I am a bit behind the curve, and I have no idea what the future holds, but I did it, and it's done. After starting and stopping so much, it's nice to just have it out of the way.
My ex got married, or is getting married--marriage is in there somewhere--this weekend. I started the week feeling very sorry for myself. Not because I hurt over him; while I can't deny I felt something, it was more that he managed to move on while I still haven't. But I think that's ok, and if he asked me, I would like to tell him that I'm happy he found someone he feels he could spend his life with, and who wants to do the same with him. Everyone deserves that, if they want it.
So it's just been "complicated feelings" week, and I'm trying to untangle all these emotional complexities, neaten them up where I can, and pack them away. I keep saying things like "it's high time I got on with my life" or "I'm moving on" and, you know what? Nothing has fucking changed, and least not in any measurable, objective sense. So I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm just going to be ok today, and say so. And if I'm not ok tomorrow, that's ok too. It may not get me anywhere--my life has been, let's face it, a series of dead ends anyway--but at least I don't have to walk around embarrassed all the time because I'm so far behind the curve. It's ok. Some things just don't work out, and that. is. ok.
The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.
My ex got married, or is getting married--marriage is in there somewhere--this weekend. I started the week feeling very sorry for myself. Not because I hurt over him; while I can't deny I felt something, it was more that he managed to move on while I still haven't. But I think that's ok, and if he asked me, I would like to tell him that I'm happy he found someone he feels he could spend his life with, and who wants to do the same with him. Everyone deserves that, if they want it.
So it's just been "complicated feelings" week, and I'm trying to untangle all these emotional complexities, neaten them up where I can, and pack them away. I keep saying things like "it's high time I got on with my life" or "I'm moving on" and, you know what? Nothing has fucking changed, and least not in any measurable, objective sense. So I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm just going to be ok today, and say so. And if I'm not ok tomorrow, that's ok too. It may not get me anywhere--my life has been, let's face it, a series of dead ends anyway--but at least I don't have to walk around embarrassed all the time because I'm so far behind the curve. It's ok. Some things just don't work out, and that. is. ok.
The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.