just_muse_me | 9.1.5.
9.1.5. “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” - Mark Twain
Co-written with agentsullivan & asinthecity
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
Was it possible that giving birth gave one Agoraphobia? Since stepping out of the main entrance of the apartment block on the Upper East Side, Ali had felt nothing but squeezing anxiety. This was the first time she had ventured into the City on her own with the rugrat. She seemed to be coping with the baby buggy and was well-prepared with everything but the kitchen sink squished into her Louis Vuitton baby bag. Sunshine was swaddled neatly in a pink Sleeping Beauty bunny rug and secured into the pram with the infant bondage devices. Diaper was fresh and clean upon exiting the apartment and Ali had somehow wrestled her swollen, sore boobs into an unattractive maternity bra after mostly going without since the birth. She was on a mission, even though she was exhausted from being up all night with Jamie, who the visiting midwife seemed to feel had colic. Brilliant.
She got a cab at Park Avenue, which was an appalling experience. The driver Did Not Want to deal with a baby capsule, let alone trying to shove all Ali’s baby equipment into the trunk. But it eventually happened and Ali was spat out in a stressed mess at Soho, needing another ten minutes to try and get herself back in order again. It was even more of a trial in a thick winter coat, and then she nearly had an anxiety attack when she realised the kid’s tiny newborn hands were exposed to the cold winter breeze. She had to stop again and drag everything out of the bag to find the miniature furry pink baby mittens and matching hat with bear ears, then added another baby rug for good measure (this time a Toy Story one; Ali was fucked if her kid was going to be a total girly girl). Five more minutes to get everything back in the bag (how the fuck had she fit all that in there in the first place?!) and she was left standing in Soho looking around for a bar called The Bondi, raking her dishevelled hair off her face.
She soon found it tucked between a trendy restaurant and a coffee shop. Fuck, she was tempted to go in for a Latte just to try and soothe her nerves. But no. She had to do this. As she approached the bar, though, the large CLOSED sign hit her in the face like an open-handed slap. “No!” she wailed, pushing her hands through her hair. She hadn’t just gone through the wringer of New York City in the winter at Christmas with a baby and sore boobs for the place to be closed! She nearly burst into tears on the spot before she caught sight of two guys in overalls going into the bar, despite the sign. They looked like painters or something, but the door was open! That’s all she cared about.
With a tug to readjust the strap of the heavy bag over her shoulder, Ali pulled the glass door open and held it with her foot while she negotiated the buggy through it. The wheel got caught on the base of the door, causing her to swear under her breath. How was any of this fair? She was exhausted. She wanted to be home in her own little secure bubble where she was safe and could cope. The tiredness was trying to tug on her emotions again, but she forced it away as she wheeled the pram into the main area of the bar. If this didn’t work, she didn’t know what she would do.
The place seemed empty, but all the lights were on, so someone must be here. She flicked the end of her scarf over her shoulder and stopped in front of the bar. “Hello?” she called out, her British accent evident in the query. Although some of her words took an American twang, she had never been able to drop the Brit. It did make her wonder what her daughter would end up sounding like when she started to speak. But the kid was only a week old. That was a long time off yet.
Luke looked up from the box of Christmas decorations he had been bent over on his desk and frowned. “Are you expecting anyone?” he asked, glancing over a Tab who was hanging some tinsel off his filing cabinet. He dropped a large green stocking back into the box to round his desk. No deliveries were due today. In fact, the only reason they were there at all was so the painters could do their job in the back rooms. Tab wanted to make the most of it and decorate his office. Luke had some professional designers coming on Friday to give the bar a more festive feel. Aiden had assured him it was the only way to go because an interior decorator would hang decorations to compliment the bar’s interior and they would also take them all down when all was said and done.
They were there for the rest of the afternoon until the painters were done, so may as well make the most of it. He had gone to check on Andrew first, however, discovering his cousin was feverish and fluey and wasn’t just using it as an excuse to hide away. They were going to go back later with some soup and a DVD to try and cheer the poor guy up. Luke hated seeing his cousin in a slump. He was usually such a cheery, friendly person, although this time of year was inevitably going to drag him down, anyway. Luke wanted to do his best to at least make sure Andrew had company, even if there was nothing else he could do. If only Andy hadn’t gotten mixed up with that new mother. It was the last thing he needed this week. He headed for the main bar with a shrug. “Probably someone needing the toilet.”
"When you gotta go, you gotta go," Tab offered as she followed her boyfriend, curiosity clearly getting the better of her. The petite redhead flicked her fringe out of her face as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She hadn't had it cut in a little while, so it was starting to get a bit longer. She'd have to remember to make an appointment before Christmas so she looked at her rock pixie best.
She blinked at the site of a mum with a newborn. She really hadn't been expecting that. A length of tinsel was still hung around her neck like a scarf, and Tab tilted her head as her brown eyes examined the intruder. She kept her distance, scared to break the kid just from looking at it too closely. " 'Lo," she said, though one syllable was hardly enough to betray her own British heritage.
Luke nodded. He was hardly going to deny someone the use of his facilities. Cold weather always made needing a pee so much more worse. His eyebrows rose a little at the unusual sight of a baby in his bar. He glanced at Tab and then approached the woman with a clear of his throat. "Hey, can I help you?" he asked, his accent thick with the Aussie slant. He hadn't lost his at all.
Ali felt a little like someone had tipped icy water down her back at the accent. She stared and blinked, then blinked again. "I- I- uh," she stammered, trying to regain her composure. She let out a slow breath and rested her hand on the handle of the baby pram, once again trying to adjust the heavy bag on her shoulder. At this rate, she was going to have no fat on her, lugging weight like this around. "I'm looking for-" She stopped, suddenly have a mental blank as to Andrew's cousin's name. Lachlan? Fuck, no, that was someone else. "Lucas! Luke," she added for clarification. That was it because Andrew had said he used to call his cousin Mucas or Puke when they were kids.
Tab tiptoed up behind Luke as she slid her small hand into his larger one. For some unknown reason babies had always scared her. If Riley ever had a family she knew she'd deal, and be the cool aunt they deserved. Then there was that tiny pang in her heart as she remembered their pregnancy scare. They could have been having one of those. She pulled her mouth to the side as she balanced on the tips of her toes and looked down into the pram, trying to work out if the baby was about to leap out and suck her face off.
"That's me," Luke confirmed, his forehead creasing. "What can I do for you?"
As if on cue, Jamie started to break into a whimper of warning and before Ali could look down into the pram, she started with that ear-piercing cry she seemed to have picked up. Ali blamed the Campbell blood for that. She pulled the Toy Story blanket off and looked at her daughter helplessly. "Please, Sunshine!" she pleaded. "Not now. Just give me fucking five minutes, okay?"
There was no stopping it. Ali pulled the other Cinderella blanket off and carefully picked the newborn up into her arms, bouncing her just a little to try and ease the crying. "I'm sorry. She didn't come with an instruction manual," Ali explained, her own voice shaking anxiously. It had been far too much to hope Jamie would have slept through this whole mission. The baby's head was so small that Ali's whole hand covered it with finger room left over. Why did The Powers That Be make her a mother? She fucking sucked at it. "I really need your help," she said, trying to readjust Jamie's ear hat on her head. "I didn't know what else to do."
The moment the crying started Tab squeezed Luke's hand tightly as she stepped behind Luke a bit more, almost using him as a shield. "Hey, don't worry about it. I think I'd be the same, though I'd probably be holding the baby with tongs and at arm's length," Tab informed the mother, her brown eyes wide as she watched on. She turned her head towards Luke, dropping her voice a little and hoped that he would still hear her over the crying. "Remind me to thank you again later for not giving me one of those."
"Hey, I wore a condom!" Luke cried. "At least, most of the times I did," he had to add sheepishly. "You know your pill? Can you ask Riley to go on three others simultaneously, just to make sure?"
Ali glanced between them. "Contraception means fuck all if you want a cock badly and the guy gets under your skin with alcohol involved," she warned them. "Trust me." Jamie was starting to do that 'I'm never going to stop crying, so fucking DEAL with it Mummy Person' thing and Ali really wanted to go down with the sobbing ship with her again. She shifted the baby in her arms and hugged her closer against her, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back. "I- I need help. To find Andrew. It's important."
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Luke stiffened. It all suddenly clicked in to place, even if he was filing away her learned advice in an easily reachable place of his brain. This was Andy's single mother. "No," was all he said and fully planned to walk away from her.
Tab's nose crinkled as she took the advice to heart, too. Her hand was still holding on tightly to Luke's, and he'd pretty much have to drag her with him if he walked away. While Tab was now cautious of the mother, she was still willing to hear her out a little more. Luke had filled her in on the conversation with Andrew, and why his cousin had started to withdraw and do the whole pyjama wallowing thing.
"Why?" she asked the woman, an eyebrow creeping up.
Luke sighed with a slight annoyance when he realised Tab had locked him in place with her hand. He couldn't walk away, so he settled for turning back with a small scowl set in place.
Ali nearly folded at the look. She wanted to run out of there as quickly as she fucking could and not look back. But that was the coward's route and the route that meant she would never see Andrew again. Tears welled up in her eyes and she made a desperate attempt to blink them back. "I made a mistake!" she cried, bouncing Jamie with more passion to try and get the wailing to stop. "I've made a fucking lot of mistakes this year. In fact, I couldn't be in a bigger pile of shit if I tried. I can't even dress my baby in a fucking Disney onsie! Shitty diapers make me want to puke! No one should be inflicted with this! I didn't know what else to do! He wasn't... he couldn't..." she trailed off helplessly as the tears spilled over. She gave a weak shrug. "People like him shouldn't exist! At least, they don't in my world!"
Tab wished the baby would stop crying, and if she had the guts she'd maybe try and hold the kid herself. As it was she was just wondering if the little girl would appreciate singing. She knew Luke was annoyed without even having to look at him, but she couldn't help it.
After everything Ali had been through, didn't she deserve at least a chance to explain herself. "The whole making a mistake thing is what has Andrew on the bad side of a five o'clock shadow. There's sexy stubble, and then there's depression stubble." Tab glanced up at Luke, and let out a sigh of her own. She wanted to protect Luke's cousin just as much, but what if seeing Ali would make Andrew happy?
"You fucking hurt him," Luke had to snap, complete with an elaborate hand gesture. "Andy doesn't do this shit easily and when you push him away, he's going to keep walking. Why do you want to see him? To make him feel even worse for making his own mistake? I know you're having a crap time, but so is he and he so didn't need this shit right now."
Ali sunk down into a nearby chair with a helpless sob. She hugged Jamie to her, trying to seek some solace in the tiny warm weight in her arms. "I know I hurt him," she said tearfully. "I saw it in his eyes when I did and I haven't been able to fucking get the sight out of my head since. Those eyes, goddamnit! I would have felt less worse if I had kicked a freaking fluffy puppy!" She tried to wipe away the tears, but more just fell in their wake. "And he's younger than me, and I have all this crap, not to mention a rugrat that is taking all my effort to handle. I didn't think I should be getting near anyone but the kid's father, you know? But he's not even here. He’s not coming back. And I know what you're thinking," she said with a sniffle. "I'm not looking for a father for my kid. I can do this without any fucking male in my life. I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm going to be the best shitting mother if it kills me. But I never expected Andrew. He was just there and he was amazing, then he was kissing me and I didn't have time to stop and take it all in. I just didn't know what I was supposed to do."
Tab sucked in a breath and released Luke's hand. If he wanted to walk away now, he could. She wouldn't blame him in the least. She also knew it wasn't her decision to choose to tell Ali where to find Andrew, or not. Luke knew his cousin better than Tab did for obvious reasons. Instead she just decided to find a bit of courage and try to help stop that bloody screaming. She wasn't sure how any of them could think while it was going on.
"Show me how to hold her? I'll sing to her," she offered. "I'm Tab, by the way. Luke's girlfriend and also scared of babies. Still, I'll do anything to help you stop that noise." Tab spared a glance at Luke over her shoulder, hoping to god he'd rescue her if she broke the baby.
Ali hesitated, her arms wrapped securely around the baby. She seemed to balk at anyone who wanted to hold her, even Andrew. But he had been so amazing with her and Jamie seemed to really like him. This choked her up a little, but she nodded and stood up to shift the baby into Tab's arms. "Ali. I'm Ali. I... I don't really know how to explain it. I hadn't really held one before a week ago, either. Just keep your arms secure around her, like your holding a... a..." she was a singer; that had to help in the explanation, "a guitar case, only in your arms, not by the handle." She had seen James nurse his violin case in the past. Musicians, did that, right? She kept her hands on Jamie's back and stomach until she was sure Tab had a hold on her and then gradually pulled back.
Luke closed his eyes and squeezed his temple with his fingers. "Look, Ali," he began and then sighed. "Why do you want to see him if you don't even know if you want him?"
Ali turned her attention back to Luke. "To apologise," she said, hugging herself in the absence of the baby to hold. "To maybe find out why the kiss felt all the things I thought it shouldn't? I just need to see him again. Please. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have pushed him away."
Tab looked down, confused in regards to how she was supposed to feel about the baby in her arms, but trying to hold her like Ali said. She started to sing gently as she just watched the kid's face, waiting to see if the crying would stop. "I should give you a set of ear plugs," Tab murmured in Ali's direction.
She kept half her attention on the conversation and looked up, glancing between Luke and Ali. "What if she just meets him here?" Tab asked her boyfriend. "Neutral grounds of sorts, plus you could keep an eye on things in a non-stalker way. If Andrew looks like he's getting even more upset, just pull the plug."
"I've been doing that almost as much as she has lately," Ali had to admit wryly, trying to mop up her own tears with her fingers again. "I wish I could give you more help, but I really don't know myself. I've mostly just been trying to wing it. The hospital, they show you the diaper and the boob thing, then you're on your own. Makes me want to never have sex again..."
Well, at least Andrew wouldn't have to worry about condoms, Luke thought to himself. "Andrew's sick," he said. "He's got the flu and has some tough days ahead of him. Maybe now is just not the right time for any of this. I know you're probably feeling guilty and I can assure you, he's feeling just the same, but I... I don't want him hurt anymore, alright? Plain and simple." Still, he reached and took some napkins from a nearby table and handed them to her. He didn't want to see her crying, especially when he knew what she had gone through.
"I don't want to hurt him," Ali insisted, the tears coming again. She accepted the tissues gratefully. "He wasn't supposed to be such a great guy, the bastard! I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I just want to talk to him to see if we can work something out here. At the very least, I don't want to leave it like this. I- I really like him. A lot. And I don't regret the kiss. Not now."
"Can't really blame you. I'd cry like this too if I'd been through what you have." Tab tried to bounce the baby a little, but she still wasn't too comfortable holding the thing. The fact she thought of it as a thing was evidence of that. Still, the crying seemed to be slowing and the baby made a gurgling noise as Tab tried a more upbeat song. She looked over at Luke, a small smile on her lips. Maybe she wouldn't break a baby just from touching it after all.
Her eyebrows shot up at Ali's last comment and she exchanged a look with Luke. Now what, smexy? she thought quietly. "So you like him? Really like him?" She felt like she was in high school, but some clarification was needed. "Or you like having company?"
Ali looked between them both, feeling about as big as the napkin dispenser, tears still dripping down her cheeks. "If I say both, will you castrate me and never let me see him?" she asked in a small voice. "I don't know the right answers here. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am so fucking desperately lonely that I can't breathe sometimes. I'm so scared I'm going to fuck her up before she even has a chance in this world. Everyone I was relying on to try and help me through this are just... gone. Why would anyone else want to even bother stepping into a pile of shit like this? But Andrew did. He kept me company and he was amazing with her. But that's not the reason I'm here. Like I said, I'm not here looking for a father for her or someone to offload the shit onto. I'm here because it didn't matter to him what shit pile I was standing in. He listened and we laughed. He didn't care I had a kid. He was sweet and kind and funny. He didn't want anything from me because he knew I had nothing to give. Hell, it's not even about sex and I've just never experienced anything like this. With my ex, it was fuck first, think later. Clearly," she added with a guilty look at her daughter. "Andrew was the sort of someone and something I've never dealt with before and I pushed him away because I was scared I liked it too much. It was like he was too good to be true and if he was suddenly not there anymore, I don't think I could take anymore loss."
Luke listened to every word, his frown softening to one of concern now as he listened to her pour her heart out and dump it into their hands. It was like she felt she almost had nothing to lose, which was just sad. "I..." He stopped, sighing again. "I could tell him you came, but I don't think it would do anything. He's pretty convinced he totally fucked up with you and that it was a huge mistake on both your parts. But then, if you go over there, I know he wouldn't throw you out but he has the flu and it might not be a good idea to expose your daughter to that so young." He looked over at Tab, trying to work through the situation. He knew he couldn't roadblock this anymore. Ali was right. She needed to at least talk to Andrew so it didn't end on a bad note. "Maybe Tab and I can watch her for a little while...?"
Tab's arms started to feel heavy with the weight of the baby girl. She wasn't used to holding a baby, or much of anything really. She was a musician. Musicians didn't always have to carry heavy loads. She gave Luke a nod though, encouraging the line of thinking his mind has taken. "I promise we'll set her back in the pram and not drop her, or try and feed her anything weird. We'll just watch her."
Ali started to panic. "I-I- don't know. It's not... she's not... fuck," she cursed and shook her head. "Being pregnant fried my fucking brain and clearly my ability to string a decent sentence together." She chewed her lip anxiously. "I haven't left her with anyone before..."
"I've got a lot of young nieces and nephews," Luke assured her. "I know a little bit about kids. I know how to change a diaper and all that. You could make us lists. Andrew only lives a few blocks from us. We need the practice, anyway. Our friends are expecting in a couple of months. I'm sure we'll be roped in to babysit now and again. I promise we'll take good care of her. She won't get sick and you get to see Andy."
Ali was torn. Jamie's crying had died down to just small snuffling against Tab's chest and her little red face was damp with tears and baby snot. She started to dig around in the side of the bag and pulled out a plastic box of baby wipes, then went to clean up her daughters face. "I appreciate it, guys, but you don't need to be inflicted with this," she said quietly.
"If I had a shot for every time someone said that," Tab muttered under her breath. She couldn't even count on her fingers the number of times she'd heard someone-especially her brother-say that she, or whoever else, didn't need to be 'inflicted with this'.
"You're going through a lot of shit, trust me when I say you need to take and embrace any gift horse that comes your way. Me and Luke are two of the coolest gift horses you'll ever get to take care of your kid. You need to go sort things out with Andrew." Tab fixed Ali with a steady gaze, her brown eyes locking with the older woman's. She was stronger than her tiny stature had people believe. She also knew when someone needed help.
Ali gave the smallest of nervous laughs. A random thought of how sore her boobs were jumped into her head and she pulled on the strap of the maternity bra. "I don't even know how to make fucking chicken soup," she said helplessly. "Why does he even want anything to do with me?"
"One, Andy has an innate need to help people. Two, he's a friendly and sweet guy. But three..." Luke put his hands in his pockets and watched the baby. "Three, he really likes you too. He wanted to be friends, but he got swept up in the moment. You've got to understand that he's been through a lot of shit too. Not the same as what you have, but he's floundering to find a comfortable normalcy also. Maybe he just felt comfortable with you because you didn't want anything of him, either?"
Tab gave a nod, trying to do the walking and holding the baby thing so she could stand next to Luke. She still felt strange holding a kid. At least Ali had the whole maternal worry thing going on. She genuinely loved her kid and that said a lot.
"Check, on the chicken soup. He won't eat it anyway. He's a vegetarian," Luke told her with a slight smile. "Look, let me help you get a cab back to your apartment. You can chill for a bit until we're done here, then Tab and I can come over, watch the baby at your place and you won't have to worry about packing her up with half of Babies'r'Us to get around. That bit I get. My sisters always used to make me drag the shit around when we went out. You can go to Andy's and do whatever you need to do, then whatever happens, you at least know your daughter is being taken care of in her own environment."
Ali put her hand over his forehead. "He's vegetarian? Seriously? Jesus. Luckily I didn't try to feed him meat. I never even thought anything of it when he only ordered onion and shit on his side of the pizza." She just had to make a decision. It really wasn't hard at all. "I have to talk to him," she finally said.
Tab couldn't help but smile. Maybe Andrew hadn't found out her favourite breakfast, but now Ali knew Andrew was a vegetarian. She looked at Ali like she was waiting for the mum to reclaim her baby now that Ali would be going back home.
"We promise not to engage in any naughty activities, or eat you out of house and home. We can even bring our own entertainment."
Ali took Jamie back with a grateful smile at Tab for taking her for awhile. "Cheers," she murmured, and cradled the little girl with ease in her arms. "You won't need to do that. The place is huge. It has all the mod cons you could want right down to damn Wiis and Playstation 3." She looked down at the baby sadly. "It's not really my place... yet. Inheritance. But you won't get bored. James was a big kid at heart. And food, well, I don't seem to have time to eat, so the fridge is full."
"What's her name, by the way?" Luke asked and pushed the pram closer to Ali to help her. "We should probably have asked that right up before stringing you up by your ankles."
"Jamie," Ali told them and tried to shake the sad grief that was trying to drag her down again. "You had every right to string me up. I would've strung me up. You don't know how much I appreciate all this help. I didn't expect you to be forthcoming. I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't know his address and he wasn't returning my calls."
"Jamie," Tab whispered softly as she smiled at the baby. It suited her somehow. Tab always thought naming kids would be hard. How did Mother Superior ever look at her and see a Tabitha? Riley was a Riley, but Tab still hadn't owned her full name.
"I am sorry what happened to your friend. I promise we really won't trash the place." Tab took her place back by Luke's side and slipped her arms around his waist. "We're okay once you get past the guard dog stuff. We take care of our own." And if Ali became one of them, then they'd take care of her and Jamie too.
Ali eased Jamie back down into the buggy and tucked the blankets around her. There was some protest in the form of disgruntled baby whimpers, but thankfully it didn't lead to any more wailing. "It's okay. I get it. My own group was a lot like you when we were together..." The ear hat was adjusted again and Ali straightened to rub her tired back. "Just never take your pals for granted. Love them every single day, no matter what. Shit happens, but don't lose each other."
Luke gave Tab a soft squeeze and then reached to rest his hand on Ali's arm. "No matter what happens with Andy, we want you to know you can call on us for help, yeah? We might be strangers, but we can change that. You shouldn't give in to the isolated feeling. Andy did. He made some mistakes. He wouldn't want you doing the same thing."
Ali tried to read behind Luke's words, but it was impossible. The accent was still throwing her. She zipped her jacket up and nodded. "I should head back. This," she waved her hand in front of her face, "isn't the sort of impression I want to make on him, even if he's seen me in worse condition."
Tab bit her lip as she leaned against Luke, about ready to stay attached to him if it meant he'd understand she wasn't going to take him for granted. She wouldn't bare it if she lost him the way that Ali had lost just about everyone in her life.
"We're definitely here for you, strangers or not. Nobody deserves to be alone. Except whatever bastard made off with the last box of Lucky Charms at the market today." Tab smiled at Ali and pulled out a pen from Luke's pocket, and a bit of paper in her own pocket so that Ali could write her address down. "You'll be okay."
Ali wrote the address down, feeling weird even referring to it as her place. She handed the piece of paper to Tab with a small sigh. "I really hope so," she murmured.
"Come on, let's help you get a cab. See, next time you can give me a call and I can come pick you up," Luke told her with a smile and tugged Tab in the direction of the door so they could help Ali like she clearly desperately needed.
Andrew Connor is paramedically and used with permission. All other characters referenced with permission.
Muses | Ali Sullivan, Luke Jackson, Tab Browne (Original Characters)
Word Count | 5,538
Co-written with agentsullivan & asinthecity
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
Was it possible that giving birth gave one Agoraphobia? Since stepping out of the main entrance of the apartment block on the Upper East Side, Ali had felt nothing but squeezing anxiety. This was the first time she had ventured into the City on her own with the rugrat. She seemed to be coping with the baby buggy and was well-prepared with everything but the kitchen sink squished into her Louis Vuitton baby bag. Sunshine was swaddled neatly in a pink Sleeping Beauty bunny rug and secured into the pram with the infant bondage devices. Diaper was fresh and clean upon exiting the apartment and Ali had somehow wrestled her swollen, sore boobs into an unattractive maternity bra after mostly going without since the birth. She was on a mission, even though she was exhausted from being up all night with Jamie, who the visiting midwife seemed to feel had colic. Brilliant.
She got a cab at Park Avenue, which was an appalling experience. The driver Did Not Want to deal with a baby capsule, let alone trying to shove all Ali’s baby equipment into the trunk. But it eventually happened and Ali was spat out in a stressed mess at Soho, needing another ten minutes to try and get herself back in order again. It was even more of a trial in a thick winter coat, and then she nearly had an anxiety attack when she realised the kid’s tiny newborn hands were exposed to the cold winter breeze. She had to stop again and drag everything out of the bag to find the miniature furry pink baby mittens and matching hat with bear ears, then added another baby rug for good measure (this time a Toy Story one; Ali was fucked if her kid was going to be a total girly girl). Five more minutes to get everything back in the bag (how the fuck had she fit all that in there in the first place?!) and she was left standing in Soho looking around for a bar called The Bondi, raking her dishevelled hair off her face.
She soon found it tucked between a trendy restaurant and a coffee shop. Fuck, she was tempted to go in for a Latte just to try and soothe her nerves. But no. She had to do this. As she approached the bar, though, the large CLOSED sign hit her in the face like an open-handed slap. “No!” she wailed, pushing her hands through her hair. She hadn’t just gone through the wringer of New York City in the winter at Christmas with a baby and sore boobs for the place to be closed! She nearly burst into tears on the spot before she caught sight of two guys in overalls going into the bar, despite the sign. They looked like painters or something, but the door was open! That’s all she cared about.
With a tug to readjust the strap of the heavy bag over her shoulder, Ali pulled the glass door open and held it with her foot while she negotiated the buggy through it. The wheel got caught on the base of the door, causing her to swear under her breath. How was any of this fair? She was exhausted. She wanted to be home in her own little secure bubble where she was safe and could cope. The tiredness was trying to tug on her emotions again, but she forced it away as she wheeled the pram into the main area of the bar. If this didn’t work, she didn’t know what she would do.
The place seemed empty, but all the lights were on, so someone must be here. She flicked the end of her scarf over her shoulder and stopped in front of the bar. “Hello?” she called out, her British accent evident in the query. Although some of her words took an American twang, she had never been able to drop the Brit. It did make her wonder what her daughter would end up sounding like when she started to speak. But the kid was only a week old. That was a long time off yet.
Luke looked up from the box of Christmas decorations he had been bent over on his desk and frowned. “Are you expecting anyone?” he asked, glancing over a Tab who was hanging some tinsel off his filing cabinet. He dropped a large green stocking back into the box to round his desk. No deliveries were due today. In fact, the only reason they were there at all was so the painters could do their job in the back rooms. Tab wanted to make the most of it and decorate his office. Luke had some professional designers coming on Friday to give the bar a more festive feel. Aiden had assured him it was the only way to go because an interior decorator would hang decorations to compliment the bar’s interior and they would also take them all down when all was said and done.
They were there for the rest of the afternoon until the painters were done, so may as well make the most of it. He had gone to check on Andrew first, however, discovering his cousin was feverish and fluey and wasn’t just using it as an excuse to hide away. They were going to go back later with some soup and a DVD to try and cheer the poor guy up. Luke hated seeing his cousin in a slump. He was usually such a cheery, friendly person, although this time of year was inevitably going to drag him down, anyway. Luke wanted to do his best to at least make sure Andrew had company, even if there was nothing else he could do. If only Andy hadn’t gotten mixed up with that new mother. It was the last thing he needed this week. He headed for the main bar with a shrug. “Probably someone needing the toilet.”
"When you gotta go, you gotta go," Tab offered as she followed her boyfriend, curiosity clearly getting the better of her. The petite redhead flicked her fringe out of her face as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She hadn't had it cut in a little while, so it was starting to get a bit longer. She'd have to remember to make an appointment before Christmas so she looked at her rock pixie best.
She blinked at the site of a mum with a newborn. She really hadn't been expecting that. A length of tinsel was still hung around her neck like a scarf, and Tab tilted her head as her brown eyes examined the intruder. She kept her distance, scared to break the kid just from looking at it too closely. " 'Lo," she said, though one syllable was hardly enough to betray her own British heritage.
Luke nodded. He was hardly going to deny someone the use of his facilities. Cold weather always made needing a pee so much more worse. His eyebrows rose a little at the unusual sight of a baby in his bar. He glanced at Tab and then approached the woman with a clear of his throat. "Hey, can I help you?" he asked, his accent thick with the Aussie slant. He hadn't lost his at all.
Ali felt a little like someone had tipped icy water down her back at the accent. She stared and blinked, then blinked again. "I- I- uh," she stammered, trying to regain her composure. She let out a slow breath and rested her hand on the handle of the baby pram, once again trying to adjust the heavy bag on her shoulder. At this rate, she was going to have no fat on her, lugging weight like this around. "I'm looking for-" She stopped, suddenly have a mental blank as to Andrew's cousin's name. Lachlan? Fuck, no, that was someone else. "Lucas! Luke," she added for clarification. That was it because Andrew had said he used to call his cousin Mucas or Puke when they were kids.
Tab tiptoed up behind Luke as she slid her small hand into his larger one. For some unknown reason babies had always scared her. If Riley ever had a family she knew she'd deal, and be the cool aunt they deserved. Then there was that tiny pang in her heart as she remembered their pregnancy scare. They could have been having one of those. She pulled her mouth to the side as she balanced on the tips of her toes and looked down into the pram, trying to work out if the baby was about to leap out and suck her face off.
"That's me," Luke confirmed, his forehead creasing. "What can I do for you?"
As if on cue, Jamie started to break into a whimper of warning and before Ali could look down into the pram, she started with that ear-piercing cry she seemed to have picked up. Ali blamed the Campbell blood for that. She pulled the Toy Story blanket off and looked at her daughter helplessly. "Please, Sunshine!" she pleaded. "Not now. Just give me fucking five minutes, okay?"
There was no stopping it. Ali pulled the other Cinderella blanket off and carefully picked the newborn up into her arms, bouncing her just a little to try and ease the crying. "I'm sorry. She didn't come with an instruction manual," Ali explained, her own voice shaking anxiously. It had been far too much to hope Jamie would have slept through this whole mission. The baby's head was so small that Ali's whole hand covered it with finger room left over. Why did The Powers That Be make her a mother? She fucking sucked at it. "I really need your help," she said, trying to readjust Jamie's ear hat on her head. "I didn't know what else to do."
The moment the crying started Tab squeezed Luke's hand tightly as she stepped behind Luke a bit more, almost using him as a shield. "Hey, don't worry about it. I think I'd be the same, though I'd probably be holding the baby with tongs and at arm's length," Tab informed the mother, her brown eyes wide as she watched on. She turned her head towards Luke, dropping her voice a little and hoped that he would still hear her over the crying. "Remind me to thank you again later for not giving me one of those."
"Hey, I wore a condom!" Luke cried. "At least, most of the times I did," he had to add sheepishly. "You know your pill? Can you ask Riley to go on three others simultaneously, just to make sure?"
Ali glanced between them. "Contraception means fuck all if you want a cock badly and the guy gets under your skin with alcohol involved," she warned them. "Trust me." Jamie was starting to do that 'I'm never going to stop crying, so fucking DEAL with it Mummy Person' thing and Ali really wanted to go down with the sobbing ship with her again. She shifted the baby in her arms and hugged her closer against her, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back. "I- I need help. To find Andrew. It's important."
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Luke stiffened. It all suddenly clicked in to place, even if he was filing away her learned advice in an easily reachable place of his brain. This was Andy's single mother. "No," was all he said and fully planned to walk away from her.
Tab's nose crinkled as she took the advice to heart, too. Her hand was still holding on tightly to Luke's, and he'd pretty much have to drag her with him if he walked away. While Tab was now cautious of the mother, she was still willing to hear her out a little more. Luke had filled her in on the conversation with Andrew, and why his cousin had started to withdraw and do the whole pyjama wallowing thing.
"Why?" she asked the woman, an eyebrow creeping up.
Luke sighed with a slight annoyance when he realised Tab had locked him in place with her hand. He couldn't walk away, so he settled for turning back with a small scowl set in place.
Ali nearly folded at the look. She wanted to run out of there as quickly as she fucking could and not look back. But that was the coward's route and the route that meant she would never see Andrew again. Tears welled up in her eyes and she made a desperate attempt to blink them back. "I made a mistake!" she cried, bouncing Jamie with more passion to try and get the wailing to stop. "I've made a fucking lot of mistakes this year. In fact, I couldn't be in a bigger pile of shit if I tried. I can't even dress my baby in a fucking Disney onsie! Shitty diapers make me want to puke! No one should be inflicted with this! I didn't know what else to do! He wasn't... he couldn't..." she trailed off helplessly as the tears spilled over. She gave a weak shrug. "People like him shouldn't exist! At least, they don't in my world!"
Tab wished the baby would stop crying, and if she had the guts she'd maybe try and hold the kid herself. As it was she was just wondering if the little girl would appreciate singing. She knew Luke was annoyed without even having to look at him, but she couldn't help it.
After everything Ali had been through, didn't she deserve at least a chance to explain herself. "The whole making a mistake thing is what has Andrew on the bad side of a five o'clock shadow. There's sexy stubble, and then there's depression stubble." Tab glanced up at Luke, and let out a sigh of her own. She wanted to protect Luke's cousin just as much, but what if seeing Ali would make Andrew happy?
"You fucking hurt him," Luke had to snap, complete with an elaborate hand gesture. "Andy doesn't do this shit easily and when you push him away, he's going to keep walking. Why do you want to see him? To make him feel even worse for making his own mistake? I know you're having a crap time, but so is he and he so didn't need this shit right now."
Ali sunk down into a nearby chair with a helpless sob. She hugged Jamie to her, trying to seek some solace in the tiny warm weight in her arms. "I know I hurt him," she said tearfully. "I saw it in his eyes when I did and I haven't been able to fucking get the sight out of my head since. Those eyes, goddamnit! I would have felt less worse if I had kicked a freaking fluffy puppy!" She tried to wipe away the tears, but more just fell in their wake. "And he's younger than me, and I have all this crap, not to mention a rugrat that is taking all my effort to handle. I didn't think I should be getting near anyone but the kid's father, you know? But he's not even here. He’s not coming back. And I know what you're thinking," she said with a sniffle. "I'm not looking for a father for my kid. I can do this without any fucking male in my life. I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm going to be the best shitting mother if it kills me. But I never expected Andrew. He was just there and he was amazing, then he was kissing me and I didn't have time to stop and take it all in. I just didn't know what I was supposed to do."
Tab sucked in a breath and released Luke's hand. If he wanted to walk away now, he could. She wouldn't blame him in the least. She also knew it wasn't her decision to choose to tell Ali where to find Andrew, or not. Luke knew his cousin better than Tab did for obvious reasons. Instead she just decided to find a bit of courage and try to help stop that bloody screaming. She wasn't sure how any of them could think while it was going on.
"Show me how to hold her? I'll sing to her," she offered. "I'm Tab, by the way. Luke's girlfriend and also scared of babies. Still, I'll do anything to help you stop that noise." Tab spared a glance at Luke over her shoulder, hoping to god he'd rescue her if she broke the baby.
Ali hesitated, her arms wrapped securely around the baby. She seemed to balk at anyone who wanted to hold her, even Andrew. But he had been so amazing with her and Jamie seemed to really like him. This choked her up a little, but she nodded and stood up to shift the baby into Tab's arms. "Ali. I'm Ali. I... I don't really know how to explain it. I hadn't really held one before a week ago, either. Just keep your arms secure around her, like your holding a... a..." she was a singer; that had to help in the explanation, "a guitar case, only in your arms, not by the handle." She had seen James nurse his violin case in the past. Musicians, did that, right? She kept her hands on Jamie's back and stomach until she was sure Tab had a hold on her and then gradually pulled back.
Luke closed his eyes and squeezed his temple with his fingers. "Look, Ali," he began and then sighed. "Why do you want to see him if you don't even know if you want him?"
Ali turned her attention back to Luke. "To apologise," she said, hugging herself in the absence of the baby to hold. "To maybe find out why the kiss felt all the things I thought it shouldn't? I just need to see him again. Please. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have pushed him away."
Tab looked down, confused in regards to how she was supposed to feel about the baby in her arms, but trying to hold her like Ali said. She started to sing gently as she just watched the kid's face, waiting to see if the crying would stop. "I should give you a set of ear plugs," Tab murmured in Ali's direction.
She kept half her attention on the conversation and looked up, glancing between Luke and Ali. "What if she just meets him here?" Tab asked her boyfriend. "Neutral grounds of sorts, plus you could keep an eye on things in a non-stalker way. If Andrew looks like he's getting even more upset, just pull the plug."
"I've been doing that almost as much as she has lately," Ali had to admit wryly, trying to mop up her own tears with her fingers again. "I wish I could give you more help, but I really don't know myself. I've mostly just been trying to wing it. The hospital, they show you the diaper and the boob thing, then you're on your own. Makes me want to never have sex again..."
Well, at least Andrew wouldn't have to worry about condoms, Luke thought to himself. "Andrew's sick," he said. "He's got the flu and has some tough days ahead of him. Maybe now is just not the right time for any of this. I know you're probably feeling guilty and I can assure you, he's feeling just the same, but I... I don't want him hurt anymore, alright? Plain and simple." Still, he reached and took some napkins from a nearby table and handed them to her. He didn't want to see her crying, especially when he knew what she had gone through.
"I don't want to hurt him," Ali insisted, the tears coming again. She accepted the tissues gratefully. "He wasn't supposed to be such a great guy, the bastard! I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I just want to talk to him to see if we can work something out here. At the very least, I don't want to leave it like this. I- I really like him. A lot. And I don't regret the kiss. Not now."
"Can't really blame you. I'd cry like this too if I'd been through what you have." Tab tried to bounce the baby a little, but she still wasn't too comfortable holding the thing. The fact she thought of it as a thing was evidence of that. Still, the crying seemed to be slowing and the baby made a gurgling noise as Tab tried a more upbeat song. She looked over at Luke, a small smile on her lips. Maybe she wouldn't break a baby just from touching it after all.
Her eyebrows shot up at Ali's last comment and she exchanged a look with Luke. Now what, smexy? she thought quietly. "So you like him? Really like him?" She felt like she was in high school, but some clarification was needed. "Or you like having company?"
Ali looked between them both, feeling about as big as the napkin dispenser, tears still dripping down her cheeks. "If I say both, will you castrate me and never let me see him?" she asked in a small voice. "I don't know the right answers here. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am so fucking desperately lonely that I can't breathe sometimes. I'm so scared I'm going to fuck her up before she even has a chance in this world. Everyone I was relying on to try and help me through this are just... gone. Why would anyone else want to even bother stepping into a pile of shit like this? But Andrew did. He kept me company and he was amazing with her. But that's not the reason I'm here. Like I said, I'm not here looking for a father for her or someone to offload the shit onto. I'm here because it didn't matter to him what shit pile I was standing in. He listened and we laughed. He didn't care I had a kid. He was sweet and kind and funny. He didn't want anything from me because he knew I had nothing to give. Hell, it's not even about sex and I've just never experienced anything like this. With my ex, it was fuck first, think later. Clearly," she added with a guilty look at her daughter. "Andrew was the sort of someone and something I've never dealt with before and I pushed him away because I was scared I liked it too much. It was like he was too good to be true and if he was suddenly not there anymore, I don't think I could take anymore loss."
Luke listened to every word, his frown softening to one of concern now as he listened to her pour her heart out and dump it into their hands. It was like she felt she almost had nothing to lose, which was just sad. "I..." He stopped, sighing again. "I could tell him you came, but I don't think it would do anything. He's pretty convinced he totally fucked up with you and that it was a huge mistake on both your parts. But then, if you go over there, I know he wouldn't throw you out but he has the flu and it might not be a good idea to expose your daughter to that so young." He looked over at Tab, trying to work through the situation. He knew he couldn't roadblock this anymore. Ali was right. She needed to at least talk to Andrew so it didn't end on a bad note. "Maybe Tab and I can watch her for a little while...?"
Tab's arms started to feel heavy with the weight of the baby girl. She wasn't used to holding a baby, or much of anything really. She was a musician. Musicians didn't always have to carry heavy loads. She gave Luke a nod though, encouraging the line of thinking his mind has taken. "I promise we'll set her back in the pram and not drop her, or try and feed her anything weird. We'll just watch her."
Ali started to panic. "I-I- don't know. It's not... she's not... fuck," she cursed and shook her head. "Being pregnant fried my fucking brain and clearly my ability to string a decent sentence together." She chewed her lip anxiously. "I haven't left her with anyone before..."
"I've got a lot of young nieces and nephews," Luke assured her. "I know a little bit about kids. I know how to change a diaper and all that. You could make us lists. Andrew only lives a few blocks from us. We need the practice, anyway. Our friends are expecting in a couple of months. I'm sure we'll be roped in to babysit now and again. I promise we'll take good care of her. She won't get sick and you get to see Andy."
Ali was torn. Jamie's crying had died down to just small snuffling against Tab's chest and her little red face was damp with tears and baby snot. She started to dig around in the side of the bag and pulled out a plastic box of baby wipes, then went to clean up her daughters face. "I appreciate it, guys, but you don't need to be inflicted with this," she said quietly.
"If I had a shot for every time someone said that," Tab muttered under her breath. She couldn't even count on her fingers the number of times she'd heard someone-especially her brother-say that she, or whoever else, didn't need to be 'inflicted with this'.
"You're going through a lot of shit, trust me when I say you need to take and embrace any gift horse that comes your way. Me and Luke are two of the coolest gift horses you'll ever get to take care of your kid. You need to go sort things out with Andrew." Tab fixed Ali with a steady gaze, her brown eyes locking with the older woman's. She was stronger than her tiny stature had people believe. She also knew when someone needed help.
Ali gave the smallest of nervous laughs. A random thought of how sore her boobs were jumped into her head and she pulled on the strap of the maternity bra. "I don't even know how to make fucking chicken soup," she said helplessly. "Why does he even want anything to do with me?"
"One, Andy has an innate need to help people. Two, he's a friendly and sweet guy. But three..." Luke put his hands in his pockets and watched the baby. "Three, he really likes you too. He wanted to be friends, but he got swept up in the moment. You've got to understand that he's been through a lot of shit too. Not the same as what you have, but he's floundering to find a comfortable normalcy also. Maybe he just felt comfortable with you because you didn't want anything of him, either?"
Tab gave a nod, trying to do the walking and holding the baby thing so she could stand next to Luke. She still felt strange holding a kid. At least Ali had the whole maternal worry thing going on. She genuinely loved her kid and that said a lot.
"Check, on the chicken soup. He won't eat it anyway. He's a vegetarian," Luke told her with a slight smile. "Look, let me help you get a cab back to your apartment. You can chill for a bit until we're done here, then Tab and I can come over, watch the baby at your place and you won't have to worry about packing her up with half of Babies'r'Us to get around. That bit I get. My sisters always used to make me drag the shit around when we went out. You can go to Andy's and do whatever you need to do, then whatever happens, you at least know your daughter is being taken care of in her own environment."
Ali put her hand over his forehead. "He's vegetarian? Seriously? Jesus. Luckily I didn't try to feed him meat. I never even thought anything of it when he only ordered onion and shit on his side of the pizza." She just had to make a decision. It really wasn't hard at all. "I have to talk to him," she finally said.
Tab couldn't help but smile. Maybe Andrew hadn't found out her favourite breakfast, but now Ali knew Andrew was a vegetarian. She looked at Ali like she was waiting for the mum to reclaim her baby now that Ali would be going back home.
"We promise not to engage in any naughty activities, or eat you out of house and home. We can even bring our own entertainment."
Ali took Jamie back with a grateful smile at Tab for taking her for awhile. "Cheers," she murmured, and cradled the little girl with ease in her arms. "You won't need to do that. The place is huge. It has all the mod cons you could want right down to damn Wiis and Playstation 3." She looked down at the baby sadly. "It's not really my place... yet. Inheritance. But you won't get bored. James was a big kid at heart. And food, well, I don't seem to have time to eat, so the fridge is full."
"What's her name, by the way?" Luke asked and pushed the pram closer to Ali to help her. "We should probably have asked that right up before stringing you up by your ankles."
"Jamie," Ali told them and tried to shake the sad grief that was trying to drag her down again. "You had every right to string me up. I would've strung me up. You don't know how much I appreciate all this help. I didn't expect you to be forthcoming. I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't know his address and he wasn't returning my calls."
"Jamie," Tab whispered softly as she smiled at the baby. It suited her somehow. Tab always thought naming kids would be hard. How did Mother Superior ever look at her and see a Tabitha? Riley was a Riley, but Tab still hadn't owned her full name.
"I am sorry what happened to your friend. I promise we really won't trash the place." Tab took her place back by Luke's side and slipped her arms around his waist. "We're okay once you get past the guard dog stuff. We take care of our own." And if Ali became one of them, then they'd take care of her and Jamie too.
Ali eased Jamie back down into the buggy and tucked the blankets around her. There was some protest in the form of disgruntled baby whimpers, but thankfully it didn't lead to any more wailing. "It's okay. I get it. My own group was a lot like you when we were together..." The ear hat was adjusted again and Ali straightened to rub her tired back. "Just never take your pals for granted. Love them every single day, no matter what. Shit happens, but don't lose each other."
Luke gave Tab a soft squeeze and then reached to rest his hand on Ali's arm. "No matter what happens with Andy, we want you to know you can call on us for help, yeah? We might be strangers, but we can change that. You shouldn't give in to the isolated feeling. Andy did. He made some mistakes. He wouldn't want you doing the same thing."
Ali tried to read behind Luke's words, but it was impossible. The accent was still throwing her. She zipped her jacket up and nodded. "I should head back. This," she waved her hand in front of her face, "isn't the sort of impression I want to make on him, even if he's seen me in worse condition."
Tab bit her lip as she leaned against Luke, about ready to stay attached to him if it meant he'd understand she wasn't going to take him for granted. She wouldn't bare it if she lost him the way that Ali had lost just about everyone in her life.
"We're definitely here for you, strangers or not. Nobody deserves to be alone. Except whatever bastard made off with the last box of Lucky Charms at the market today." Tab smiled at Ali and pulled out a pen from Luke's pocket, and a bit of paper in her own pocket so that Ali could write her address down. "You'll be okay."
Ali wrote the address down, feeling weird even referring to it as her place. She handed the piece of paper to Tab with a small sigh. "I really hope so," she murmured.
"Come on, let's help you get a cab. See, next time you can give me a call and I can come pick you up," Luke told her with a smile and tugged Tab in the direction of the door so they could help Ali like she clearly desperately needed.
Andrew Connor is paramedically and used with permission. All other characters referenced with permission.
Muses | Ali Sullivan, Luke Jackson, Tab Browne (Original Characters)
Word Count | 5,538