A Story of a man and his turtle and a dog (Chapter 1)
Title: A story of a man and his turtle and a dog-a sequel to A story of a man and his turtle. (1/?)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos (Cesc Fabregas,Arsène Wenger, Steven Gerrard, Juan Mata, Dider Drogba, and Raul Meireles also make appearances)
Warning: here there be Cescgate, but believe me it's done in a humorous light. it is crack!fic so expect ridiculousness
Disclaimer: so completely false, I have no idea if Fernando has pet turtles, or if Cloe is still in London. That being said this is a crack fic. It is completely ridiculous, and is in no way meant to be taken seriously
Summary: What happens when Fernando & Sergio take on another pet, one that they didn't ask for.
much thanks to wh_mermaid for looking this over & I agree there isn't enough crack fic in this fandom.
A/N: I needed to write this basically. Crack fic is my sports humiliation therapy. I'll try to have the next chapter of 'Detroit Waves' up sometime next week.
Link to A Story of a Man & His Turtle
Fernando has just put Horsey to bed, well actually just back in his tank, tucking him in with his Sergio scented towel. He turns to find Sergio looking at him hungrily. He knows what he wants, but Fernando decides to play it cool…..for a minute.
“What?”
“You’re such a good dad. You’ve no idea how hot that is.”
Fernando smirks. “Oh? Well if I’d known that, I’d have had kids much earlier.”
Sergio snorts. “Not what I was talking about really, but yes you’re a fantastic father to Nora and Leo, and to Horsey. You’ve done so much for all of them, for me. It’s incredibly sexy. “
He steps into Fernando’s space. “I think you need to be reminded of it.”
“Oh? Are you going to thank me again?”
Sergio begins to unbutton Fernando’s shirt, biting down on Fernando’s neck as he does, eliciting a moan from Fernando. Fernando is just about to suggest that they move to the bed, when there is a loud knock on the door. Sergio ignores it, and continues to lick and bite his way down Fernando’s chest. He’s just made it to the button on Fernando’s jeans, when the knocking continues, this time it is followed by a loud and all too familiar voice.
“Fernando José Torres Sanz, I know you’re there!”
Fernando groans, but Sergio continues in his ministrations, flicking the button of his jeans open.
“Please Fernando, it’s important. I need your help.”
This time it’s Sergio that sighs. “What the fuck does Cesc need? He’s off to his dream team.”
Sergio practically spits out the word. “Barcelona.”
Fernando snorts. “Well he does have Barcelona DNA.”
They laugh for a moment as Fernando tries to make himself presentable. He leaves Sergio in the bedroom, in case for some reason Cesc’s visit has attracted the paparazzi.
“What do you want Fabregas? I was kinda in the middle of something.”
Cesc eyes him carefully, smirking when he sees the bruise that has already blossomed on his neck.
“I can see that. Sergio here then?”
Fernando frowns.
“Oh come on Fernando, it’s just me.” Cesc looks down at the furry bundle growling in his arm. “And Cloe.”
“Cesc, why did you bring your ridiculous dog with you? She needs a haircut by the way; those ribbons belong on my daughter, not on your dog.”
“Oh fuck off Fernando. You’re one to talk, letting Sergio parade around in those ridiculous scarves of his and those green jeans.”
Fernando grins. “I puked on those green jeans, he no longer has them.”
“No, but I have a lovely pair of orange ones to replace them.” Sergio glares at Cesc. “What do you want? Shouldn’t you be hanging out with your new best friend, Xavi?” Then he notices Cloe. “Hey, is this Cloe? Awwhhh she’s so cute. Can I hold her?”
Cesc nods and hands her over. Sergio coos over her ribbons and “adorable” doggie sweater, as Fernando rolls his eyes and gestures for Cesc to come in.
“So what’s going on Cesc, and why does it somehow involve your dog?”
Cesc stares at Sergio cuddling Cloe on the living room floor, and starts to tear up. “I can’t take her with me.”
Sergio looks up quickly. “Why? Doesn’t she have Barcelona DNA?” He starts to laugh, until he sees the frown on Fernando’s face.
“Sergio you should know what it’s like to lose a pet, to give them up.”
“Yes yes yes I know. I know how close we came to losing Horsey.” Sergio says causally.
“Sergio! I committed career suicide for Horsey, for you- don’t just dismiss it like that.”
Sergio opens up his mouth to respond, but Cesc interrupts.
“Wait, what the fuck is going on?”
Fernando shoots Sergio a glare, and holds up his hand. “It’s nothing Cesc, nothing that concerns you really. So, why can’t you take Cloe with you?”
Cesc sighs. “She hates it. She can’t stand Gerard, and she bites my ankles when I play Shakira. She’s peed on all my Barcelona stuff and all of the stuff I’ve packed. Every time I’ve taken home she’s hated it. She just seems to prefer England……..London. I was hoping…..you guys might take her, more specifically Fernando. I know about Horsey, I mean everyone knows about Horsey thanks to Sergio’s huge ass picture of the three of you in his house.”
Sergio snorts. “Hey, you were the one that suggested it.”
Fernando smiles. “He does have a point, but what does us taking Cloe have to do with Horsey?”
“Well, she wants to stay in London- that is obvious. You guys are obviously great parents, I mean for pets, and I thought, I don’t know, maybe Horsey would like a pet friend.”
Fernando glances at Sergio. They had been talking about taking on another pet to keep Horsey company, but he’s not sure he wants to take on someone else’s pet, especially one that seems to have…..issues.
“Why can’t Carla take him? You guys broke up, so she’s staying in London right?”
Cesc frowns. “Carla hates Cloe and she hates me right now, so that’s not an option.”
Sergio opens his mouth to say something, but Cesc cuts him off with a glare.
“What about Wilshere? Oh wait, no he’s got a kid. What about Van Persie?”
Cesc frowns. “I thought about it. Bouchra loves Cloe, but Robin isn’t big on small dogs.”
Fernando suddenly remembers the letters he’s received in the last week, since Cesc’s transfer was made public, each letter more depressing and tear stained than the last. He looks at Cesc, who’s looking sadly at Sergio and Cloe playing happily with one of Horsey’s toys (Fernando’s going to have to disinfect it after Cloe leaves), and he thinks about the man Cesc is leaving behind. Fernando would’ve killed for a tutor, a coach, like Cesc had, and thinks about the words in Wenger last letter.
“Well there’s always Wegner, you know the manager who basically turned you into the star you are? The man whose heart you are breaking by leaving.”
Cesc turns to glare to Fernando. “Oh, and what would you know about that? The man who’s only scored one goal in league play since signing for Chelsea- a pretty damn expensive goal.”
“Well at least I didn’t pretend to be injured for an entire summer. If my form is bad, my form is bad, I’ve never pretended to be injured.”
Sergio sets Cloe down, and moves between the two of them. “Hey, hey guys, stop it. This is getting us nowhere.”
“Really Sergio? Really you are going to defend him?”
“No Fernando. Would you put aside your pride for just a minute?” Sergio looks at Cesc. “And that’s low Cesc, picking on a national team member. It’s not like we haven’t all had a bad run of form, and you really aren’t helping your cause by insulting him. Fernando is this about the letters? What was in the last one?”
Cesc looks confused. “Letters?”
Sergio nods. “Fernando has been receiving letters from Wenger for weeks…..about you. He’s horribly broken up about this. Fernando maybe you should read a few of them?”
“Sure.”
“ Fernando
Why is he doing this to me? He was like a son to me. ………I thought surely your transfer would ensure they wouldn’t be able to get him, but I guess he really wants to go……I have to let him go, he’s not happy here, I can’t make him stay.”
Fernando pulls out another one.
“ I guess I will take the cut, he insists he wants to go……….He says he loves the club, but he has to go home. What is home Fernando? He’s been here since he was sixteen, I’ve given him everything, but yet in the last couple of years he hasn’t been happy. He was my shining star, one of the best players I ever coached. I made him what he is, and yet he wants to leave so badly he’s willing to pay his way home? I don’t understand……”
Fernando pulls out another letter, but Sergio stops him, and nods to Cesc, who has tears streaming down his face. He whispers. “I think he’s heard enough Fer.”
Fernando and Sergio silently watch Cesc for a few moments, giving him his space. Cloe climbs into his lap, and Cesc runs his hand through her fur, while she licks at his tears.
Cesc laughs shakily after a few moments. “You know Fernando, your English is still really bad.”
Fernando makes a face, and Cesc laughs again, this time it’s a bit lighter. “And your bitch face won’t work on me, sorry. Anyways, I can’t give Cloe to Arsène, his mistress is allergic to dogs. Honestly I’ve thought this through, and I think you guys would be perfect.” He looks down at Cloe, who has fallen asleep in his lap. “That way I can still come to see her….I can talk to her. You guys could send me pictures, right? Make sure she’s groomed and pampered?”
Sergio smiles. “Of course, I’m great at pampering.”
“He is, but I’m still not sure Cesc. I just put Horsey down for the night, I don’t know if I want to wake him.”
Cesc chuckles. “Yeah, so you and Sergio could have sex, not because he was sleepy.”
Fernando turns three shades of pink, while Sergio grins mischievously.
“Fine, fine, I’ll go get him.”
Fernando finds that Horsey is indeed still awake, and wandering around his tank pushing one of his toys around. He picks him up and sits down on the bed with him for a little talk.
“Oh, so you are still awake, naughty turtle. Watching your dads having sex, good thing Cesc showed up hmm? What do you think about having a friend to keep you company? Would you like a doggie friend to play with? Her name is Cloe, her daddy loves her very much, but he can’t take her with him.”
Horsey stares at him, and Fernando knows that’s about as much as he’s going to get from him.
“Come on; let’s go see how you two get on.”
Cloe looks up with interest when Fernando brings Horsey into the living room. He sets him down carefully, and they all watch, worriedly, as Cloe runs over to Horsey. She sniffs him for a few moments, and then runs over to get one of his toys and lays it down in front of him.
Fernando locks eyes with Sergio and nods. “Well Cesc, I think we’d be willing to give it a go, at least until you’ve completely moved. If it hasn’t worked out by then, well then….I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Cesc beams and the relief is evident on his face. “Thanks you guys, seriously. “
Fernando smiles back, but privately he’s wondering what he’s gotten himself into.
*I need a Cloe icon obviously.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos (Cesc Fabregas,Arsène Wenger, Steven Gerrard, Juan Mata, Dider Drogba, and Raul Meireles also make appearances)
Warning: here there be Cescgate, but believe me it's done in a humorous light. it is crack!fic so expect ridiculousness
Disclaimer: so completely false, I have no idea if Fernando has pet turtles, or if Cloe is still in London. That being said this is a crack fic. It is completely ridiculous, and is in no way meant to be taken seriously
Summary: What happens when Fernando & Sergio take on another pet, one that they didn't ask for.
much thanks to wh_mermaid for looking this over & I agree there isn't enough crack fic in this fandom.
A/N: I needed to write this basically. Crack fic is my sports humiliation therapy. I'll try to have the next chapter of 'Detroit Waves' up sometime next week.
Link to A Story of a Man & His Turtle
Fernando has just put Horsey to bed, well actually just back in his tank, tucking him in with his Sergio scented towel. He turns to find Sergio looking at him hungrily. He knows what he wants, but Fernando decides to play it cool…..for a minute.
“What?”
“You’re such a good dad. You’ve no idea how hot that is.”
Fernando smirks. “Oh? Well if I’d known that, I’d have had kids much earlier.”
Sergio snorts. “Not what I was talking about really, but yes you’re a fantastic father to Nora and Leo, and to Horsey. You’ve done so much for all of them, for me. It’s incredibly sexy. “
He steps into Fernando’s space. “I think you need to be reminded of it.”
“Oh? Are you going to thank me again?”
Sergio begins to unbutton Fernando’s shirt, biting down on Fernando’s neck as he does, eliciting a moan from Fernando. Fernando is just about to suggest that they move to the bed, when there is a loud knock on the door. Sergio ignores it, and continues to lick and bite his way down Fernando’s chest. He’s just made it to the button on Fernando’s jeans, when the knocking continues, this time it is followed by a loud and all too familiar voice.
“Fernando José Torres Sanz, I know you’re there!”
Fernando groans, but Sergio continues in his ministrations, flicking the button of his jeans open.
“Please Fernando, it’s important. I need your help.”
This time it’s Sergio that sighs. “What the fuck does Cesc need? He’s off to his dream team.”
Sergio practically spits out the word. “Barcelona.”
Fernando snorts. “Well he does have Barcelona DNA.”
They laugh for a moment as Fernando tries to make himself presentable. He leaves Sergio in the bedroom, in case for some reason Cesc’s visit has attracted the paparazzi.
“What do you want Fabregas? I was kinda in the middle of something.”
Cesc eyes him carefully, smirking when he sees the bruise that has already blossomed on his neck.
“I can see that. Sergio here then?”
Fernando frowns.
“Oh come on Fernando, it’s just me.” Cesc looks down at the furry bundle growling in his arm. “And Cloe.”
“Cesc, why did you bring your ridiculous dog with you? She needs a haircut by the way; those ribbons belong on my daughter, not on your dog.”
“Oh fuck off Fernando. You’re one to talk, letting Sergio parade around in those ridiculous scarves of his and those green jeans.”
Fernando grins. “I puked on those green jeans, he no longer has them.”
“No, but I have a lovely pair of orange ones to replace them.” Sergio glares at Cesc. “What do you want? Shouldn’t you be hanging out with your new best friend, Xavi?” Then he notices Cloe. “Hey, is this Cloe? Awwhhh she’s so cute. Can I hold her?”
Cesc nods and hands her over. Sergio coos over her ribbons and “adorable” doggie sweater, as Fernando rolls his eyes and gestures for Cesc to come in.
“So what’s going on Cesc, and why does it somehow involve your dog?”
Cesc stares at Sergio cuddling Cloe on the living room floor, and starts to tear up. “I can’t take her with me.”
Sergio looks up quickly. “Why? Doesn’t she have Barcelona DNA?” He starts to laugh, until he sees the frown on Fernando’s face.
“Sergio you should know what it’s like to lose a pet, to give them up.”
“Yes yes yes I know. I know how close we came to losing Horsey.” Sergio says causally.
“Sergio! I committed career suicide for Horsey, for you- don’t just dismiss it like that.”
Sergio opens up his mouth to respond, but Cesc interrupts.
“Wait, what the fuck is going on?”
Fernando shoots Sergio a glare, and holds up his hand. “It’s nothing Cesc, nothing that concerns you really. So, why can’t you take Cloe with you?”
Cesc sighs. “She hates it. She can’t stand Gerard, and she bites my ankles when I play Shakira. She’s peed on all my Barcelona stuff and all of the stuff I’ve packed. Every time I’ve taken home she’s hated it. She just seems to prefer England……..London. I was hoping…..you guys might take her, more specifically Fernando. I know about Horsey, I mean everyone knows about Horsey thanks to Sergio’s huge ass picture of the three of you in his house.”
Sergio snorts. “Hey, you were the one that suggested it.”
Fernando smiles. “He does have a point, but what does us taking Cloe have to do with Horsey?”
“Well, she wants to stay in London- that is obvious. You guys are obviously great parents, I mean for pets, and I thought, I don’t know, maybe Horsey would like a pet friend.”
Fernando glances at Sergio. They had been talking about taking on another pet to keep Horsey company, but he’s not sure he wants to take on someone else’s pet, especially one that seems to have…..issues.
“Why can’t Carla take him? You guys broke up, so she’s staying in London right?”
Cesc frowns. “Carla hates Cloe and she hates me right now, so that’s not an option.”
Sergio opens his mouth to say something, but Cesc cuts him off with a glare.
“What about Wilshere? Oh wait, no he’s got a kid. What about Van Persie?”
Cesc frowns. “I thought about it. Bouchra loves Cloe, but Robin isn’t big on small dogs.”
Fernando suddenly remembers the letters he’s received in the last week, since Cesc’s transfer was made public, each letter more depressing and tear stained than the last. He looks at Cesc, who’s looking sadly at Sergio and Cloe playing happily with one of Horsey’s toys (Fernando’s going to have to disinfect it after Cloe leaves), and he thinks about the man Cesc is leaving behind. Fernando would’ve killed for a tutor, a coach, like Cesc had, and thinks about the words in Wenger last letter.
“Well there’s always Wegner, you know the manager who basically turned you into the star you are? The man whose heart you are breaking by leaving.”
Cesc turns to glare to Fernando. “Oh, and what would you know about that? The man who’s only scored one goal in league play since signing for Chelsea- a pretty damn expensive goal.”
“Well at least I didn’t pretend to be injured for an entire summer. If my form is bad, my form is bad, I’ve never pretended to be injured.”
Sergio sets Cloe down, and moves between the two of them. “Hey, hey guys, stop it. This is getting us nowhere.”
“Really Sergio? Really you are going to defend him?”
“No Fernando. Would you put aside your pride for just a minute?” Sergio looks at Cesc. “And that’s low Cesc, picking on a national team member. It’s not like we haven’t all had a bad run of form, and you really aren’t helping your cause by insulting him. Fernando is this about the letters? What was in the last one?”
Cesc looks confused. “Letters?”
Sergio nods. “Fernando has been receiving letters from Wenger for weeks…..about you. He’s horribly broken up about this. Fernando maybe you should read a few of them?”
“Sure.”
“ Fernando
Why is he doing this to me? He was like a son to me. ………I thought surely your transfer would ensure they wouldn’t be able to get him, but I guess he really wants to go……I have to let him go, he’s not happy here, I can’t make him stay.”
Fernando pulls out another one.
“ I guess I will take the cut, he insists he wants to go……….He says he loves the club, but he has to go home. What is home Fernando? He’s been here since he was sixteen, I’ve given him everything, but yet in the last couple of years he hasn’t been happy. He was my shining star, one of the best players I ever coached. I made him what he is, and yet he wants to leave so badly he’s willing to pay his way home? I don’t understand……”
Fernando pulls out another letter, but Sergio stops him, and nods to Cesc, who has tears streaming down his face. He whispers. “I think he’s heard enough Fer.”
Fernando and Sergio silently watch Cesc for a few moments, giving him his space. Cloe climbs into his lap, and Cesc runs his hand through her fur, while she licks at his tears.
Cesc laughs shakily after a few moments. “You know Fernando, your English is still really bad.”
Fernando makes a face, and Cesc laughs again, this time it’s a bit lighter. “And your bitch face won’t work on me, sorry. Anyways, I can’t give Cloe to Arsène, his mistress is allergic to dogs. Honestly I’ve thought this through, and I think you guys would be perfect.” He looks down at Cloe, who has fallen asleep in his lap. “That way I can still come to see her….I can talk to her. You guys could send me pictures, right? Make sure she’s groomed and pampered?”
Sergio smiles. “Of course, I’m great at pampering.”
“He is, but I’m still not sure Cesc. I just put Horsey down for the night, I don’t know if I want to wake him.”
Cesc chuckles. “Yeah, so you and Sergio could have sex, not because he was sleepy.”
Fernando turns three shades of pink, while Sergio grins mischievously.
“Fine, fine, I’ll go get him.”
Fernando finds that Horsey is indeed still awake, and wandering around his tank pushing one of his toys around. He picks him up and sits down on the bed with him for a little talk.
“Oh, so you are still awake, naughty turtle. Watching your dads having sex, good thing Cesc showed up hmm? What do you think about having a friend to keep you company? Would you like a doggie friend to play with? Her name is Cloe, her daddy loves her very much, but he can’t take her with him.”
Horsey stares at him, and Fernando knows that’s about as much as he’s going to get from him.
“Come on; let’s go see how you two get on.”
Cloe looks up with interest when Fernando brings Horsey into the living room. He sets him down carefully, and they all watch, worriedly, as Cloe runs over to Horsey. She sniffs him for a few moments, and then runs over to get one of his toys and lays it down in front of him.
Fernando locks eyes with Sergio and nods. “Well Cesc, I think we’d be willing to give it a go, at least until you’ve completely moved. If it hasn’t worked out by then, well then….I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Cesc beams and the relief is evident on his face. “Thanks you guys, seriously. “
Fernando smiles back, but privately he’s wondering what he’s gotten himself into.
*I need a Cloe icon obviously.