Greeting friends

[notofthisworld]

If you're female, greeting friends is easy. You give them a hug.

If you're male, it's a little trickier. If you're a gay man, it's yet trickier. If you're an anglophone living in Quebec, it's yet trickier.

As a gay male anglophone living in quebec, this is what my decision tree for greeting a friend looked like:

if (friend.is_female()) {
hug();
} else if (friend.is_french_canadian()) {
kiss_twice_on_cheeks();
} else if (friend.is_gay()) {
hug();
} else if (friend.have_not_seen_in_long_time()) {
hug();
} else {
handshake();
}

This isn't even including those punches and weird handshakes that men sometimes give each other. Touching fists ("fist-punching") seems to be big now, but I stay away from them since they seem to be highly age-specific and location-specific. Gently punching a man's arm or shoulder seems to always be popular, but I'm still not clear on the etiquette.

If a straight man could publish a decision tree like this, that would help.