Random Third Person Post of Crack Narration

[notimmaculate]

Today is Mary's birthday, but you knew that. At least, you should hope you knew it. Mary is calmly sitting on a plush couch in one of the mansion's corners. She is knitting, using the only present she has so far received. The yarn is dark blue and the product nearly shapeless, but don't tell her that

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[riveroffire]

*knows this, of course, and so will approach her with no small amount of caution* Mother. *pauses, and then forges onwards bluntly* It's your birthday.

[notimmaculate]

*looks up, boredly* Phlegethon. You are wise beyond your years.

[riveroffire]

It's one of my many talents, perceptiveness. I'm going to wish you happy birthday, so please refrain from killing me just now.

[notimmaculate]

I am not killing anyone, offspring. It is my birthday, and I would not kill those who would wish me well. In fact, I am contemplating.

[riveroffire]

How reassuring. Happy birthday, Mother. *quirks an eyebrow* Contemplating? Contemplating what, if I may ask?

[notimmaculate]

Thank you. I am comptemplating my position within the Universe, of course. *flat tone ahoy*

[riveroffire]

A broad topic for contemplation, isn't it? What have you discovered?

[notimmaculate]

Broad topics for broad minds. I have established that my true purpose is to knit scarves for poor young whelps in starving nations. Except, obviously, *holds up the shapeless blob* I cannot knit, and therefore need a new purpose.