(no subject)
i loved this boy more than i've ever loved anyone in my entire life.
he broke my heart more than its ever been broken, ever.
its been three weeks. every time i get in my car, i think of all the times when we'd make goodbye take at least an hour, leaning against the hood and holding eachother and talking about stupid things like how the wind felt like beach. when the music is really loud i remember how you always played the drums on my leg while i was driving, and did that stupid fake-microphone screaming thing that made you sound like a dying animal. i loved that. i can't stop thinking about the first time you told me you loved me, how you tried to sound all nonchalant about it. "oh, just in case, you know, something happens on the way to the beach, i love you. just in case." i remember the very first time i came to your house, how you texted me all night at work and then i got in my car and drove all the way to irmo even though i had like no gas and it was late as hell. i sat on the front swing with you, and you almost kissed me against the wall of your house, but you didn't. i remember the first time we went out in public together, to the mall, and i was convinced that you were just some player and that i was just another girl. but you held my hand for everyone to see, you kissed me in front of all of your friends. that was the same day you bought those hollister shorts that you proceeded to wear every day for the rest of the summer, even though you hated hollister. i remember on the 4th of july how i came to your house and we shot fireworks with all those little kids, and you burnt your hand and i made you stick it in water for twenty minutes. i remember i was scared of your mom and i always thought she hated me because she'd always walk in while we were making out, or you were on top of me, or something else that made me look slutty. i remember the first time i spent the night at your house, you gave me your clothes to sleep in and laid beside me and held me all night. i remember all the nights after that, when we'd take forever picking out a movie to watch that we somehow never ended up watching anyway. i think about how you'd get hungry at the weirdest times, like 1am, and we'd get up and you'd get a huge bowl of cereal and i'd sit beside you at the counter while you ate. i think about all the times i'd go outside with you so you could smoke and we'd sit on the back porch foreverrr and talk about everything. i remember the time we were sitting out there when the sun came up. i couldn't feel my legs or my arms and my head was spinning, and we both know why. i remember all the times we laid in the dark, just holding eachother and not saying anything. i remember the time we got done and you laid your head on my thigh and we talked about the apartment we were going to get. that's the moment i miss the most. your hair on my skin. i remember the time i dyed your hair for you and your face was blue. i remember the time i started my period early and bled all over your 'cunt' shirt. that was embarrassing, and you told your mom you got a nosebleed and to please wash it out. i remember how you tried to teach me to play guitar hero, but you're the master. i remember you coming to get me everyday when my car was broken, and then you falling asleep in my lap on the way back to your house. i remember that party we went to, and that guy tried to dance with me and you got so mad you left the building, and i was scared you were going to leave me but you didn't. i remember all the times you saw me cry, and you wiped my tears and told me i was "your girl". i was. i remember how you would never leave the house without straightening your hair, even though i loved the way it turned into an afro when you didn't. i miss watching big brother with you. i remember the time you came to the lake with me and wanted to have sex in the water, but mark was right there. i remember all the nights you made me tell mark that i was ready to go to sleep so he'd go in the next room so we could have sex, haha. i miss the time we were laying in the dark and you sang 'first day of my life' to me. i can't even listen to that song now. i remember i used to call you fall out boy because you look like pete wentz, and you said i must be your ashlee. i miss the time you took me to chili's and i was cold so you came and sat in the booth with me and held me until i warmed up. no matter how big the crowd was, we were always alone. i remember the time you went to the sequoyah prep school concert with me, even though you hate them, and you held my hand and you kissed me during all the sweet songs. you always told me that i was the only one that mattered. you said i was the only one you needed and that no one made you that happy. you told me that you weren't going anywhere unless i made you. well nick, i didn't make you. its so hard to tell myself everyday that all of that was a lie. you had to have loved me, just a little bit? we couldn't have done all that, and you felt nothing. i don't know what to do to get over you, the past three weeks have been the longest in my life. i go from loving you to hating you to loving you again, and you won't even talk to me. i'm so pathetic.
he broke my heart more than its ever been broken, ever.
its been three weeks. every time i get in my car, i think of all the times when we'd make goodbye take at least an hour, leaning against the hood and holding eachother and talking about stupid things like how the wind felt like beach. when the music is really loud i remember how you always played the drums on my leg while i was driving, and did that stupid fake-microphone screaming thing that made you sound like a dying animal. i loved that. i can't stop thinking about the first time you told me you loved me, how you tried to sound all nonchalant about it. "oh, just in case, you know, something happens on the way to the beach, i love you. just in case." i remember the very first time i came to your house, how you texted me all night at work and then i got in my car and drove all the way to irmo even though i had like no gas and it was late as hell. i sat on the front swing with you, and you almost kissed me against the wall of your house, but you didn't. i remember the first time we went out in public together, to the mall, and i was convinced that you were just some player and that i was just another girl. but you held my hand for everyone to see, you kissed me in front of all of your friends. that was the same day you bought those hollister shorts that you proceeded to wear every day for the rest of the summer, even though you hated hollister. i remember on the 4th of july how i came to your house and we shot fireworks with all those little kids, and you burnt your hand and i made you stick it in water for twenty minutes. i remember i was scared of your mom and i always thought she hated me because she'd always walk in while we were making out, or you were on top of me, or something else that made me look slutty. i remember the first time i spent the night at your house, you gave me your clothes to sleep in and laid beside me and held me all night. i remember all the nights after that, when we'd take forever picking out a movie to watch that we somehow never ended up watching anyway. i think about how you'd get hungry at the weirdest times, like 1am, and we'd get up and you'd get a huge bowl of cereal and i'd sit beside you at the counter while you ate. i think about all the times i'd go outside with you so you could smoke and we'd sit on the back porch foreverrr and talk about everything. i remember the time we were sitting out there when the sun came up. i couldn't feel my legs or my arms and my head was spinning, and we both know why. i remember all the times we laid in the dark, just holding eachother and not saying anything. i remember the time we got done and you laid your head on my thigh and we talked about the apartment we were going to get. that's the moment i miss the most. your hair on my skin. i remember the time i dyed your hair for you and your face was blue. i remember the time i started my period early and bled all over your 'cunt' shirt. that was embarrassing, and you told your mom you got a nosebleed and to please wash it out. i remember how you tried to teach me to play guitar hero, but you're the master. i remember you coming to get me everyday when my car was broken, and then you falling asleep in my lap on the way back to your house. i remember that party we went to, and that guy tried to dance with me and you got so mad you left the building, and i was scared you were going to leave me but you didn't. i remember all the times you saw me cry, and you wiped my tears and told me i was "your girl". i was. i remember how you would never leave the house without straightening your hair, even though i loved the way it turned into an afro when you didn't. i miss watching big brother with you. i remember the time you came to the lake with me and wanted to have sex in the water, but mark was right there. i remember all the nights you made me tell mark that i was ready to go to sleep so he'd go in the next room so we could have sex, haha. i miss the time we were laying in the dark and you sang 'first day of my life' to me. i can't even listen to that song now. i remember i used to call you fall out boy because you look like pete wentz, and you said i must be your ashlee. i miss the time you took me to chili's and i was cold so you came and sat in the booth with me and held me until i warmed up. no matter how big the crowd was, we were always alone. i remember the time you went to the sequoyah prep school concert with me, even though you hate them, and you held my hand and you kissed me during all the sweet songs. you always told me that i was the only one that mattered. you said i was the only one you needed and that no one made you that happy. you told me that you weren't going anywhere unless i made you. well nick, i didn't make you. its so hard to tell myself everyday that all of that was a lie. you had to have loved me, just a little bit? we couldn't have done all that, and you felt nothing. i don't know what to do to get over you, the past three weeks have been the longest in my life. i go from loving you to hating you to loving you again, and you won't even talk to me. i'm so pathetic.