Just Keep Changing?
Life is... perplexing. I've been self-analytical lately. Just looking at how I react to things but more importantly WHY I react to them. A lot of it is family related or maybe just people related. How I've been treated in the past and how that has come to make me associate certain actions with certain feelings. It's kind of odd.. I'm my own psychiatrist and my own patient, all at the same time.
And then there is Rachel. Not Rachal with an A, as that didn't work out, but Rachel with an E. It started off normally, the light flirting and compliements.. The stuff that is minor, it has no depth. But it's been growing and changing, taking a few paths I didn't see coming. I tell everyone I live my life openly but that's a lie. I don't. I hide so many emotions and thoughts from people because I'm afraid of what they may think. Funny, because I say I don't care what people think of me, but on the inside, it's far from the truth. She simply asked me to tell her everything.. My past, my relationships, my family life, my sex life.. Everything. Whenever someone even asks about one of those, my walls come up, I close in. I braced for them.. and nothing. I still felt open and I explained myself. Somehow, it was just relieving. To have someone take it all in, and just... get it all.
I have a habit of getting over excited when a girl comes into my life. She's the best thing ever and no one can ever be better.. It always crosses my mind. And I'm always let down on this. But because we share a small distance (one side of town to the other) it removed the purely physical aspect of relationships I've been involved in lately. I've made a connection and it just continues to grow stronger.
I have other things to write about, life is crazy right now, but I'm too overwhelmed with this odd sense of relief that I can't quite get there yet. Soon.
And then there is Rachel. Not Rachal with an A, as that didn't work out, but Rachel with an E. It started off normally, the light flirting and compliements.. The stuff that is minor, it has no depth. But it's been growing and changing, taking a few paths I didn't see coming. I tell everyone I live my life openly but that's a lie. I don't. I hide so many emotions and thoughts from people because I'm afraid of what they may think. Funny, because I say I don't care what people think of me, but on the inside, it's far from the truth. She simply asked me to tell her everything.. My past, my relationships, my family life, my sex life.. Everything. Whenever someone even asks about one of those, my walls come up, I close in. I braced for them.. and nothing. I still felt open and I explained myself. Somehow, it was just relieving. To have someone take it all in, and just... get it all.
I have a habit of getting over excited when a girl comes into my life. She's the best thing ever and no one can ever be better.. It always crosses my mind. And I'm always let down on this. But because we share a small distance (one side of town to the other) it removed the purely physical aspect of relationships I've been involved in lately. I've made a connection and it just continues to grow stronger.
I have other things to write about, life is crazy right now, but I'm too overwhelmed with this odd sense of relief that I can't quite get there yet. Soon.