The Hardest Thing...

[luperci]

Who: Remus Lupin, Severus Snape
Where: Spinner's End
When: 13 August 2001 (backdated to before the 'announcement')
Status: Complete
Rating: R-ish. There's some groping.
Discliamer: Both Severus Snape and Remus Lupin are well over the ages of 18 and as such, deserve a wee bit of gropage.


The moon passed and Remus had to admit it was the easiest moon to pass him by in quite sometime. He had forgotten what it was like to keep his mind during a transformation and be able to sleep it off rather than feel the bloodlust all night long. Maybe he should have asked Severus for the Wolfsbane a long while ago. Then again, Remus had to admit that he never would have asked Severus for the potion. He only would take it when offered -- he did not want to be in debt to the man.

And yet, he realised that he was in debt to him. He wasn't paying for the potion. One day Severus would call in this favour and Remus would not like what it would entail he was sure.

Sighing, Remus knew he had to do the one thing he didn't want to do: thank Severus Snape.

Remus wasn't sure if Severus had intended to reveal his own home -- but it had been said and Remus wouldn't complain. He scribbled a quick note (Care for company? ~R) and sent it through the fire to Spinner's End.

Severus had never intended to give that up, but as most people knew where he lived it wasn't as if he could really mourn the loss of that bit of information.

In fact, it wasn't until he calmed down that he even recalled saying it in front of Remus in the first place. Since then, he'd spent most of his time in his private lab, brewing his few commissions and restocking the stores he normally kept of certain potions. Not that he normally spent a lot of time out of his lab, which was why he directed the Floo to his fireplace in said lab when he was working there.

Concentrating on the cauldron in front of him, he looked up, startled when the fireplace flamed green and a letter came shooting out to hit him in his rather large nose. "Sodding--" he snarled and picked it up from his table, reading it quickly before he turned the flame on the cauldron down and scratched back a return message.

What do you want? He wrote and sent it back through the fireplace.

Remus hadn't expected the note to come flying back at him so quickly. He patted out the slightly singed side, reading the simple sentence. Severus, always quick and to the point.

I need to speak with you. he sent back. Realising this conversation would be much easier and much faster in person, Remus quickly sent a second note following the first. If you're alone, I'm coming through.

There -- that at least wouldn't let Severus wiggle out of a meeting.

When the next note came through, Severus was ready for it and snatched it out of the air, reading it quickly as his teeth ground together.

He was tempted to tell Remus that he wasn't alone and wouldn't be for a few blessed hours, but what he wrote was something different.

Don't trip on your way through. If he did, well, Severus wouldn't help him if he knocked over any of his potions.

Frankly, even if Severus had said that he was busy, Remus would have stepped through anyway. Remus knew Severus to be too much of a solitary creature to enjoy company for too long. And should there have been people? Well, that's what quick thinking was for.

Remus stepped through the grate, brushing the copious amount of ash from his robes. Quick way to travel -- just far too dirty for his tastes. "I've never tripped coming through the Floo. That would be Tonks."

Severus' lips pulled tight over his teeth, "Don't touch anything. Anything." Some of the things down here were dark artifacts and some of the potions would no doubt react to Remus' condition.

"And I hardly care about how clumsy your girlfriend is."

Remus rolled his eyes skyward as he moved towards a stool upon which to perch himself. "No, I figured I'd just start touching everything in here on the offchance it poisons me." Remus gave Severus a look that plainly said 'you're an idiot'.

"She is not my girlfriend either." Not anymore...

"One never can tell with you Gryffindors. One day you act as if you might have a brain, the next day it's being carried off by scores of horrific magical beasts," Severus retorted. "And I still remember what you did to that cauldron in fifth year. Don't touch anything," he reiterated.

"Oh, that's right. The two of you are no longer one. Trouble in paradise?"

Remus flushed, glad for the dim light and the dark shadows -- they effectively obscured his blush from view. He knew he had destroyed that cauldron, but it hadn't completely been his fault. Sirius had flicked a frog eye into his cauldron by accident, aiming for Severus' and missing his mark. It hasn't endeared him to Slughorn and Remus never sought to find favour in Potions again.

"I'm not going to touch a thing in here," Remus replied. "Aside from a chair and maybe that little bit on your bench."

The blush faded, replaced by Remus bristling. "There is no 'trouble'. We simply aren't seeing each other. Simple as that."

"If you say so," Severus replied snidely and moved over to another cauldron. It was almost ready, but still not quite ready for his attentions yet. "I can't say that I pay attention to your love life or lack thereof." And though he already knew that Remus and Tonks were no longer together, he liked knowing that was still true.

"So long as you limit yourself to those two items, I'm sure that we'll both make it through this alive."

Remus bristled slightly, stiffening where he sat perched on the stool. Just because he wasn't good at potions did not mean he was a complete novice around them. It was only due to the fact that a, he didn't have a death wish and b, didn't recognise a good half of the ingredients on the tables, that he refrained from picking something up from the table and tossing something into the cauldron.

Annoyed though he may be, Remus Lupin wasn't about to go looking for trouble.

"And how do you know it's a 'lack thereof'," Remus replied looking at his nails. "Just because I may no longer be seeing Tonks does not mean that I've relegated myself to chastity."

"I don't care about your love life, Lupin." Severus ground his teeth almost as well as he was grinding lacewing flies into his mortar. What he didn't care about was hearing about it. The idea of Lupin with someone quite simply rankled him to no end, but he refused to let that show.

"Oh? Does that mean you've become the Gryffindor broom now?" he quipped, sneering as he looked up. "Taking up Black's old place?"

"For someone who doesn't care about my love life, you certainly manage to bring it up any and every chance you get," Remus said, picking a non-existent piece of dirt from under his fingernails. "Seems like you keep bringing it up so my only assumption is that you do care about it, more than you let on."

Remus watched Severus' face and he could almost swear he saw a tick in the other man's jaw. But if it was there, it was soon gone and Remus couldn't swear if he had even seen it in the first place. "And I am far from the 'Gryffindor Broom' as you so tactlessly stated." A few liaisons here and there did not a 'ridden broom' make.

Severus refused to dignify that with an answer. Mostly because he had no answer himself and really would have preferred not to think of Sex (yes, it did deserve a capital letter) and Remus at the frequency which they invaded his thoughts. "I'm sure you love that," he snarled and pinched out some of the ground lace wing flies and added them to one of his cauldrons.

"As you say," he murmured and promptly dropped the entire subject. "What did you wish to talk about, since you are here? Interfering with my day, I might add."

Remus wondered why there was the pause and the initial almost refusal to answer. Maybe Remus had hit upon it -- though he wasn't sure he wanted to admit that this was the current cause of their spat. Perhaps... just perhaps... he shouldn't have apologised after that kiss. It wasn't that he was sorry it had happened. It was that he was afraid he had enjoyed it; and that it never should have happened.

Lifting his head ever so slightly, Remus' eyes were drawn to those same lips. He stared for only a moment before dropping his gaze once more. "I came... to thank you," Remus finally managed to say. "For the Wolfsbane. I had forgotten -- forgotten how easy it made transformations."

Glancing up, Severus saw the honesty on Remus' face, heard it in his tone, and flinched. "I wasn't doing it for you," he snapped, more out of habit than general malice, and stirred his cauldron slowly, ladle held delicately between thumb and forefinger.

As the colour of the potion changed from grey to pink, Severus stared at it before quietly saying, "You're welcome."

Remus never saw the flinch. He had looked away long before that. Somehow, it was easier to talk to Severus when not looking him directly in the eye. Eye contact usually included some form of a glare and if Remus was going to get through this whole thanking thing, he didn't need a glare or anything else for that matter. Instead, Remus watched the rhythmic stirring of the cauldron and how Severus held the ladle.

It wasn't the gruff tone that snapped Remus' head upwards, it was the softer tone that followed and took Remus completely off guard. "Yes, it had been... well... foolish not to. But the situation had changed from when I taught. If I removed myself from the situation, I felt as if it didn't matter." Remus drew a breath, resting his elbow against the edge of the countertop. "It's times like these... I realise how much I miss teaching. Not just for the Wolfsbane, though I'll admit that was a rather nice bonus," Remus added quickly.

"If you are expecting me to tell you that it wasn't foolish, don't hold your breath," he murmured, concentrating more on the potion than on Remus for the moment. That way he could at least think of something besides... All the things between them.

"Dumbledore forced me to brew it for you then, as I would never have hired you. Too dangerous. He should be taking care of the students, not putting them in more danger, but as he allowed Gryffindor house to continue on, I suppose it's no surprise." And at least he didn't have to touch on what he had heard, about Remus being a damned good DADA teacher.

He'd always wanted that post.

Remus shook his head slowly. No, that wasn't what he was expecting at all. The more he thought about it, the more he had realised that it had been a foolish move. However, at the time, he had had no other options so he had done what he thought was right. "I'm not," Remus said softly. "It was the only choice I could have made at the time. I couldn't afford it myself nor could I have made it without poisoning myself. So to go without was the only choice I truly had."

Keeping his head down and hiding behind the safety of his fringe, Remus drew small patters with his forefinger on the countertop. There was no tea, so this would have to serve for keeping his hands occupied.

"I didn't doubt that Dumbledore had forced you," Remus said, glancing up momentarily. "I didn't think you would have volunteered it. Still..." Remus trailed off, looking at the trail left by his finger. "I never thought I really would miss teaching as much as I do. For something that had started because Dumbledore had to coax and persuade me -- I never thought I would have enjoyed it so."

Glancing away from the cauldon to look at Remus, one eyebrow crept upwards as the werewolf spoke. "I don't know why you missed it. I swear every summer the students came back with less brains and more cotton between their ears." The only real thing he had enjoyed were the NEWT level classes and being Head of Slytherin -- that he could almost miss.

Turning back to his cauldron, he stirred it once more, counter clockwise before turning it down on a low heat to simmer.

"I suppose I should offer you tea, but do not take that as an invitation to return anytime you like." His potions didn't need his immediate attention and they were all in a place where he could take a break for tea if he so desired.

Remus glanced up sharply, staring at Severus. "Well, unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to see how students acted the following school year. I was robbed of that chance, wasn't I?" Remus said nothing more, just stared at Severus before lowering his gaze once more. "Really, I don't even know how we got along having a different Defence teacher every year. It's a wonder any of us learned... well... anything."

He watched Severus stir the cauldron, remaining quiet if he needed to count strokes.

"Tea... would be fine," Remus said after a pause. "I don't wish to impose."

"The following year..." Severus began. The year following Lupin's departure was a rather bleak one with Crouch Jr as Moody teaching Defence. "Moody would have made a decent professor if he had ever had the chance. As I understand it, Crouch still did a decent job as him."

It would figure that those closest to dark things would be the best professors of it. Crouch Jr as a Death Eater, Lupin as a werewolf...

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he checked all the cauldrons one last time before he headed towards the rather rickety looking stairs. "This way then." He could have gone upstairs and made the tea himself, but he didn't entirely trust Lupin unsupervised around cauldrons.

"The following year had Barty," Remus finished where Severus left off. Perhaps it was coincidence that his thoughts echoed Severus'. "I wouldn't exactly call Umbridge a stellar professor," Remus said with half a laugh. The year following was Severus. Remus followed the man with his eyes, wondering how it had felt to take the post only for one year.

It was a question he wouldn't ask.

Standing, Remus dutifully followed Severus from the laboratory. "Don't trust me?" Remus teased, realising that he was staring at Severus' arse given their proximity on the stairs. He shook himself before he spoke again. "Don't worry -- I'd rather not sit down near cauldrons either."

"Umbridge was... an interesting woman. Rather like teaching with a harpy that clothed herself in bubblegum pink from head to toe." He hated that colour. It looked like vomitus gone wrong.

"Though I found some of her methods interesting, it was still rather like teaching with a dark creature that wasn't bothering at all to hide what she was and had the Ministry's stamp of approval to do anything and everything she liked." Now he was in that position, with Voldemort controlling the Ministry. Funny that it didn't feel at all like he imagined it would.

Opening the door to upstairs, he flicked his wand at the radio in the corner to turn off the low playing WWN and went to put the kettle on the stove.

Remus shuddered. While he wasn't a man who clothed himself completely in black, Remus still preferred the neutral earth tones. Perhaps it was a bit of the wolf in him that would rather be in darker browns, greens and blues as opposed to anything too stark. It was hard to say, But Remus didn't doubt it either.

"Must be nice," Remus said upon emerging from the basement labs. "To know that you can do whatever you wish and not have to answer to anyone. It isn't as if Voldemort keeps that tight of a reign on you all." He may have gone too far, but it had to be said.

He grew silent, following Severus through the house. It made him think of his own shabby flat in Edinburgh. Entering the kitchen, Remus took a seat at the table, if only to stay out of the other man's way.

Turning around, Severus glared at him. "A tight reign? I don't seem to remember Albus ever casting the Cruciatus when we did something he didn't like and I don't think he ever killed anyone that left Hogwarts, did he?" Severus snarled. "Or hunted anyone down that spoke to muggles and muggle borns. Let's not consider how you have to Floo into my home instead of coming to my door. No, we don't have a tight leash at all."

He nearly threw the kettle onto the stove, water sloshing loudly against the sides.

Remus raised an eyebrow at the sudden temper. He scootched his chair back, ready to spring up in case Severus flew at him. Something must have been changing between them as there was no physical contact. The most Remus moved was to jump when the metal pot hit the stove top.

"And you have to Floo to mine," Remus replied softly. "No, he may not have -- but I'm sure Argus wouldn't have minded if he had the chance. I still remember him muttering that he hated he couldn't hang the students from their thumbs. Still -- you can get away with a lot more than say -- I can. And I'm even a werewolf. One would think that would count for something at least."

"Yes, and I am sure that you as the DADA professor would know the difference between the Cruciatus and children being strung up by their thumbs or toes or whatever it is that Argus thinks they need to be hung by." Turning towards the cupboards, Severus opened one and removed the tin of tea. Whatever else Remus may think of him, his cupboards were astonishingly bare, devoid of all but the most basic foods and not a lot of them either.

The next cabinet down, he picked up two tea cups and rinsed them out under the sink again, just for good measure, his fingers slipping over the sides. "The only reason you don't have the same freedom as I do is because of who you have publically allied yourself with."

"No, Severus," Remus said with a roll of his eyes. "I figured that a Cruciatus was exactly the same as hanging by one's thumbs. And that it's Avada that is used as a sleep aid." He shot him a look that plainly said 'quit insulting my intelligence'.

It was with some surprise that Remus noted just how bare the cupboards were. His brow furrowed slightly, wondering if the lack of food was because Severus simply didn't buy it -- or if it was because he barely resided here. Still.. there wasn't much beyond tea and a few other food items. Remus was half tempted to send a bit Severus' way, if he didn't think he'd be hexed from here to Edinburgh if he did so.

"I know that's why," Remus replied, shaking his head. "And yet, if what you've just stated about Voldemort is true -- it doesn't sound like you have much freedom either, now does it?"

Severus' fingers scooped out the interior of the cup under the water. Dust had a very annoying habit of getting in everywhere and the truth was -- Severus tended to only use one cup for himself. It wasn't as though he had people over often.

Or at all.

"If you don't want me to insult your intelligence don't compare the two," he replied loftily and only after considering it for a moment, finally pulled out the sugar and went to get the milk. The ice box was in a similar state as the cupboards but marginally better.

"I have enough freedom to do what I like. I don't have to deal with hammering some tiny speck of knowledge into the puerile brains of idiots and those that do manage to cross my path and anger me, I can curse thoroughly. It's a fair measure better than before."

Remus sat quietly while Severus washed the cups out. While Remus didn't often have company, the one thing that was always spotless in his flat were his mugs. There was no way any proper Englishman would ever have dirty teacups. It was simply -- inconceivable.

"It seems no matter what I say, you find a way to insult my intelligence," Remus replied, drumming his fingers on the table. "I don't quite think that is my fault. You're just always looking for a fight I'd wager."

Shaking his head, Remus sighed. "But that's because you saw them that way. Even the worst of them can learn anything with the right touch. Look at how Longbottom flourished during my year there. Of course, I'm sure you hated him on sight after the incident with you in his Grandmother's clothes," Remus tapped his chin before sliding a hand through his hair. He coughed, disturbing a bit of ash from the Floo. "Say what you will -- it's the one job I've ever had that I truly loved."

"If you think that this is me fighting with you, you are sorely mistaken. I would think that you would know the difference between bickering and fighting," he said quietly and dried off the cups manually before setting them on the counter.

"Longbottom was a menace. He didn't need the right touch he needed to be forbidden from touching a cauldron. My floor and ceiling were both testaments to that, as I am sure the dent in his grandmother's purse caused by repeated cauldron purchases was." He ground his teeth together upon being reminded of him in a dress.

"At least I didn't encourage the students to mock you. I might have let it slip about your little affliction, but that is all I did."

"I did not think this was fighting," Remus replied, crossing his arms. "Spirited bickering, perhaps, but not fighting." He paused. "And really, do we need to constantly argue semantics?" Remus asked, lifting his eyebrows to his hairline. "I think we both know exactly my meaning, even if the word choice was incorrect."

Remus shook his head, disagreeing with Severus. "I'm sure you made him so nervous practically breathing down his neck that he couldn't do anything properly. You have a rather... acerbic way about you." That I find I don't mind and is more of a challenge than it should be. "Is it any wonder he couldn't do anything? When you're too afraid of fucking up, that's when the incidents occur."

He sputtered at the insinuation, unable to come up with a response immediately. "You didn't encourage them to mock me?" Remus asked, his voice raising with each word. "What do you call the assignment you set that was intended for the smarter students to figure out what I was? And when that didn't work and you lost your damn Order of Merlin, you 'let it slip'. You malicious bastard."

Well, at least it was out.

Spirited bickering tended to be an understatement between the two of them. Leaning forward, Severus braced both hands on the table to stare down at Remus. "And out of those smarter students, only one of them managed to put it all together and figure out what you are! So don't play the wounded one with me -- she didn't even bother to tell her wretched little friends!

"It wasn't some great damn conspiracy to let everyone know what you are, if only one of them figured it out. It just shows how distressingly ignorant they all were of what was going on around them and for your information, just so you know, so you can go back home and lick your wounds or your balls or do whatever is it that you do, I told them because you forgot to take your Wolfsbane and that made you a menace!"

Done now, Severus' chest was heaving and his cheeks flushed.

Remus' breath hitched, Severus' face suddenly so close to his own. He hadn't even noticed when he'd moved from the sink. Pay more attention, idiot, Remus berated himself silently. He didn't move away and didn't pull back, but rather met Severus' gaze and held it, jaw clenching.

"Only one that I know for sure. And Hermione wouldn't have said a word had that scene not transpired in the Shack. How am I to know that there weren't others? I don't read minds. That's your scene."

Eyes narrowed, Remus gripping the edge of the table so hard he was afraid it would break off into splinters in his hands. As it was, the edge of the table dug painfully into his palms, the only think keeping Remus from launching across the table to throttle Severus.

"I am... aware of what I did that night," Remus said, his voice deadly quiet in stark contrast to Severus' raving. "It was foolish and I freely admit that. But my mistake was mine own and should there have been a punishment, it was Albus' to bring down. You were not judge, jury and executioner, yet you filled that role that morning by letting it 'slip' that I was a werewolf."

"Albus?" Severus snarled. While in private he missed the old man, there were still things that rankled him.

"Albus who let Black get away with nearly using you to kill me? Who didn't punish him, didn't expel him like he should have, just let him get away with it? He would have done the exact same fucking thing that night and not said anything, just let it slide like water over a duck's back. So yes, I did, because no one else was bothering to look out for me then and I wasn't about to let it happen again!"

Now he was leaning closer, almost nose to nose with Remus. "I don't care if you had nothing to do with it then, you are a menace without Wolfsbane."

Don't think about how close he is.

"Not everything is about who is out to kill you, Severus," Remus replied, his voice almost near a growl.

He swallowed hard, realising just how close he and Severus were. When did the distance close so much and so quickly between them? Still, he did not pull away and wouldn't give Severus the satisfaction of backing down. It was the table that separated them bodily, but their faces were but a few scant inches from one another. It was subconsciously that Remus wet his lips with his tongue -- half preparing to do battle... and half something that Remus really didn't want to think about.

"And you've managed to make this all about you. I am not defending Sirius and what he did that night. Because what he did was wrong and I never completely forgave him for what he did. By all rights, I should have been expelled as well or even executed. That is why Albus never said anything. Even glimpsing me down that tunnel would most likely have levied a death sentence on me. Which, given the circumstances, I'm sure you would have been glad to have seen happen, wouldn't you? Then I wouldn't be this grand menace to society you're so keen on calling me."

"I don't want you dead!" Severus screamed back, words shooting out before he had any chance to stop them. It was only when he realized what he had said that his eyes went wide and he inched back.

Unfortunately, taking a step back only meant that he could see how wet Remus' lips were, how red. "I fucking despise you," he snarled and launched himself those last few inches, hand clamping down on the back of Remus' neck as he crushed their lips together.

If Remus apologized after this one, Severus might just hex him straight out of his house.

It wasn't the volume that had Remus jump it was the words themselves. Remus flinched, feeling as if his heart stopped for a fraction of a second. Severus did not just say that. All evidence to the contrary, Remus fully believed that Severus had hated him -- had always wanted nothing more than to see him as a wolf pelt turned into a rug somewhere.

About to argue or to say something in his own defence, Remus quickly realised that he couldn't say a word. Not with Severus' lips pressed against his own. The last words Remus had heard were I despise you so what the hell was this kiss about.

Soon, though, Remus' body didn't care what Severus had said; only that he was being kissed. Remus leaned forward, the edge of the table digging into his stomach as a hand ran up and along Severus' arm to brace against his bicep. Though every fibre of his being said to turn tail and run, Remus couldn't move. Couldn't even think beyond keeping that rough press of lips together.

It took Severus a moment to realize that Remus wasn't pulling away but leaning into him and the hand on his arm was not trying to break his grip.

Sorry his pale white arse. If Remus Lupin was sorry about it, about the snog before, Severus himself was shagging Fenrir.

Relaxing his grip slightly, Severus' fingers stroked up over the nape of his neck, easing into soft hair that he had always wanted to touch and never given the opportunity to. He expected it to be coarse though, and a little sound that he would never admit to making spoke of his pleasure at finding otherwise.

Lips gentled against Remus', only so much so that Severus' tongue wouldn't get crushed between them as it darted out to swipe over Remus' lower lip.

All rational thought told Remus that he should pull away. Entering into any sort of liaison with Severus was not a smart move and he should really pull away. And he was going to pull away. Really. Any moment now.

Their last kiss had ended so abruptly, Remus apologising for it. He wasn't sorry it had happened, he was sorry that it had -- because it shouldn't have. He could not... he knew deep down that he could not.

However, lust was a very funny thing. Lust made Remus blind to reason and wanting nothing more than for Severus to keep kissing him like this. Remus made a soft sound in the back of his throat, curiously enough, one that seemed to match Severus'. His head tilted, leaning into the light touch at the nape of his neck but also slanting to give Severus better access.

It was somewhere in the middle of the kiss and Remus wasn't quite sure where, but it had gentled beyond a hurried crush of lips as Remus felt Severus' mouth work against his own. He sighed into the kiss, lips parting ever so slightly to give Severus access to his mouth, should he wish it.

Feeling his mouth open, Severus took Remus' lower lip between both of his and sucked lightly on it, tongue brushing over the fullness of it.

It was folly to be doing this, to take this one opening, to be doing this here in the middle of his kitchen of all places, and yet he didn't want to stop. Wanting something for too long was almost as bad as wanting it too much and Severus had wanted for far too long.

That's why, when the whistle on the kettle began to blow, he was tempted to ignore it. Only it grew louder, intrusive, and Severus growled into the kiss, his tongue stroking through Remus' lips only once before he broke it off to deal with the wretched thing.

"If you apologize again," Severus started, voice rougher than usual, promises of pain and cursing and hexings on his tongue. None of them made it past his lips. "Just do not. I'd rather you leave if you insist upon saying you're bloody sorry."

Though he tried to contain any little noises, Remus couldn't help the low whine that seemed to escape as the kiss both gentled and deepened. Remus leaned forward, not giving one whit that the table soon was threatening to bisect him should he try to lean any closer. His hand trailed up Severus' arm to rest on his shoulder momentarily before finally thrusting into Severus' hair. Greasy, perhaps, but nowhere near as bad as they had all made it out to be. Remus' fingers curled and twined in his hair, keeping Severus close as his mouth completely yielded to Severus' seeking tongue.

He no sooner thought that they should end this kiss before it progressed beyond where either of them thought it should, Severus was pulling away. Remus' lips felt cold to be parted from Severus so suddenly and he wondered if his thought had forced Severus away. It was then that he finally heard the whistling of the kettle above the rushing of blood in his ears.

It took Remus a moment to find his voice. "When... when I apologised..." Remus closed his eyes, looking away from Severus. "I was not apologising for... for what you think I was."

When Remus finally recovered the ability to speak, Severus was already pinching tea leaves into each of their cups, grateful that he could do this without being forced to look at Remus.

And then that was dropped between them and his spine went straight, rigid, even as he forced himself to grab the screaming tea kettle and pour hot water into the cups.

"How do you know what I think you were apologizing for?" He finally asked quietly, voice a low snarl. "Perhaps you should have been clearer when you said it, but since you insist, clarify it now." He set the kettle down roughly onto one of the cool eyes, water hissing as it sloshed against the sides. "Yes, do tell me why you chose that exact moment to apologise for anything else."

Severus was half-way across the room before Remus could even think once more. The distance was good, Remus thought with a sigh. It allowed him the opportunity to think clearly once more and that's what he needed most of all at the present. He ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to take a moment to gather his thoughts. The only problem was that there were no thoughts to gather -- they were flying by much too quickly.

Remus closed his eyes, turning his head away from Severus. "I don't insist, but it's..." Remus drew in a breath. "You firmly believe I was apologising for kissing you, do you not?" Remus asked softly. Anything to give himself another minute.

"You're trying to tell me that it wasn't?" Severus asked, voice conveying fully how much he believed that. What he couldn't figure out was why Remus was balking if that wasn't the reason he did.

"For Merlin's sake, Lupin, just say it already so I can get back to my brewing," he finally snarled and grabbed both tea cups off the counter, ready to hurt one at Remus if he said anything asinine.

With Severus that far away, Remus found that coherent thoughts were much easier to manage. It didn't make it any easier to speak, of course, but at least he could manage a train of thought. That in and of itself was a small victory.

"It... wasn't an apology for kissing you. It was an apology..." Remus drew in a deep breath, the silence seeming to roar in his head. "I said I was sorry because it shouldn't have happened. No matter how much I wanted you to kiss me right then... andstilldo." The last was said in a rush, Remus preparing himself to stand and to get out of there. He had no designs on being hexed. Not for that admission.

It wasn't the last part that disturbed him, but the first part of that little admission, and then he said the first thing that came to mind. "That reaches Longbottom proportions of idiocy," he murmured, staring at Remus.

"It shouldn't have happened? I shouldn't have gone to your flat, I shouldn't have --" There were so many shouldn't have's and should have's in his life that Severus swore they were going to choke him in his sleep one night. "Shouldn't have," he repeated. "You shouldn't have apologised for that. There are so many shouldn't have's surrounding this that you don't need to add any more to them."

The silence seemed deafening. It wasn't idiocy, it was.. well, it was the truth. There shouldn't have been that kiss, nor should he be thinking what Severus' body would feel like stretched out beneath his own. He also shouldn't care so much about wanting to keep Severus close or what the other man thought. He shouldn't be so entranced by the man's hands and wondering what the would feel like splayed against his skin.

Severus was right. There were far too many shouldn'ts in the situation.

"No, I shouldn't have apologised, but it was the only think I could think of to say. Entering into... well, anything is sheer folly. And it's going to get one or both of us killed in the long run." Remus sighed, finally lifting his eyes to meet Severus' gaze. "And yet, I'd kiss you again if I could."

The last thing that Severus expected was to hear some version of his own words coming out of Remus Lupin's mouth. "Was it not I that said this was folly the last time we met?"

Yet neither one of them seemed able, or perhaps just willing, to stop. Was it enough to risk his life over? He'd already decided that the moment he went to Lupin's flat and cemented it when he sent him the owl regarding Minerva. What more was it to add... them. Whatever it is that they were doing to the long list of crimes he'd already committed in the eyes of both sides of the war?

"They'd already kill us for simply talking to the other one and not killing the other on sight," Severus finally said, quietly, and looked down at the teacups before crossing the kitchen and setting one down in front of Remus.

"I am quite well aware you said the same thing. I only repeat it because it is the truth."

Remus waited, taking the offered tea cup. He wrapped his hands around the mug seeming to warm them even if it was the middle of summer. He stared into the depths of the tea as if it would have all the answers. All he saw was his own slightly murky reflection staring back at him. Remus took a long sip, realising that Severus had indeed added sugar to near perfection in his own.

"They'd never understand that you were the reason Minerva is still alive... and why I wish to have anything to do with you." Remus took another sip, the liquid nearly scalding. "What are we supposed to do, then? Continue as if nothing had happened and that the kisses didn't happen and then hope for this war to be over one day and pick up when it's 'easier'?" Remus' stomach clenched at the thought. Severus may have been a first grade bastard, but at the same time -- Remus was enjoying their sparring matches. Perhaps it made him a bit of a masochist. But at the same time, he didn't want to think of not having these meetings for tea and the inevitable arguments that always resulted.

Severus snorted derisively and stared into his own cup of tea. Easier was already lost for him if he had ever had it to begin with. "Life is not easy. It's not fair and--" he wanted this.

He might never get a chance to have it again. By the time this war was over, one or the both of them would likely be dead or incapcitated.

"My life was forfeit the moment I didn't kill you on sight," he whispered and sipped his tea. The possibility... the possibility of having this though, whatever this was, was enough. "We're not waiting until the end of the war."

"Life isn't easy?" Remus asked, his eyebrows raising to practically his hair-line. "You're talking to a werewolf don't preach to me that life isn't easy. I know damn well that it isn't."

Remus couldn't read Severus' face though. He couldn't tell what was going through the other man's mind -- if anything. What he wouldn't have given to know, right then and there, what was going on behind those black eyes. Remus held Severus' gaze before dropping it once more. The fact that his own mind was at war between the logical and the irrational wasn't helping matters either.

"As was mine. It was the day I let you follow me back to my flat and we made... whatever this liaison was. The day I didn't tell the Order that you were, indeed, an innocent man." Remus sipped his tea, glad for the heat as at least that let him feel something. "We're... we're not?" Remus asked suddenly, his head snapping upwards so fast he was afraid he'd sprained it. "Then... well, now what...?"

"You have a strange concept of innocent," Severus said quietly. Never in his life had he heard someone call him innocent of all people.

"And no, we aren't." Which did leave the question of what they were going to do now. Severus took another sip of his tea and looked into the cup as if it would somehow hold the answers. What were they going to do now?

"I think you should come on this side of the table." He had no desire to be gutted by the table again.

It was only through some miracle that Remus refrained from saying that, as a dark creature, he most likely had a different idea of what innocent was. But saying such seemed like a tremendous waste of time so he kept his tongue.

Something twisted inside Remus at the thought of not waiting until the end of the war. His curiosity, or perhaps it was his sarcasm got the better of him. "So we're going to have the rough and tumble once a month when either of us can safely get away? What kind--" Remus broke off before he asked the rest of that question. What kind of relationship is that? It wasn't a question he wanted answered, nor was he comfortable thinking of Severus in terms of a 'relationship' either.

"And what," Remus said rising from his chair and moving to the other side, resting his arse against the table edge, "do you plan on doing with me now that I'm here?"

Severus glanced at him, frowning at the broken off sentence, especially when it wasn't finished. But there were so many ways to finish it and so many answers to be given to that, some of which weren't at all comfortable for him. Better to let it drop and so he did, not forcing the issue for now.

And as Remus came closer, the desire to know also faded. "That is a picturesque way of phrasing it. 'A rough and tumble.' A 'slap and tickle.'" He nearly sneered. "I do believe you're being a bit preemptive, as we haven't even gotten our clothes off yet." But he could not deny that he would like to see Remus that way and his gaze moved appreciatively over Remus' form as he came around the table.

Standing slowly and leaving the cup on the table, Severus took the half step towards Remus, his still warm hand coming up to clasp him loosely behind the neck. "This is what I am going to do," he murmured and guided their mouths together.

Remus was glad that Severus (for once in his life) dropped the subject. The last thing he really wanted to do was to go into greater detail. It wasn't his fault that he happened to have verbal diarrhea of the mouth at times. This just so happened to be one of them.

Remus wasn't quite sure if he was ready to lose his clothes that quickly, especially given the circumstances of where they were. Like he really wanted to be caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar should a Death Eater come a knockin'. Still, he crossed to Severus at the other side of the table.

"That will do quite nicely," Remus murmured against Severus' lips. His hands came to rest loosely around his waist, fingers skimming along the seam. Remus tilted his head upwards and made no secret of his intentions by parting his lips ever so slightly. They could start with groping and a snog like the teens they once were. Yes, Remus figured, that would do quite nicely.

Catching Remus' lower lip between his own, he sucked gently, the tip of his tongue darting out just to touch it and capture the faint flavour of tea left on his mouth.

It wasn't until his tongue was touching Remus' lips that the thought occurred to Severus that he was the one always initiating their kisses. They were going to have to rectify that. Later. Much later, when Remus wasn't so close that Severus could feel the heat coming off him, soaking into his clothes and skin.

Edging closer, he wrapped one arm around his waist, fingers curling loosely around his side.

Their bodies were flush against one another as Severus closed that distance the final few millimeteres that were left. Remus' hand skirted up Severus' chest, feeling each of the buttons underneath his fingertips as he raised his hand higher and higher. His hand snaked its way around Severus' neck, threading through the hair just at the base of his neck.

A soft moan escaped from Remus' lips with the first touch of Severus' tongue against his own. While he may have wanted Severus to initiate the kiss, he sure as hell wasn't going to be docile in the kiss. His tongue pressed against Severus', seeking entrance to the other man's mouth.

Permission was slowly given, his mouth opening to grant Remus' tongue entrance. Severus hadn't expected Remus to be docile and was almost glad to find that he was as eager in this as Severus himself was.

But... He was not docile either, waiting for that first touch of Remus' tongue to sweep his along it, one thigh pushing between the other man's, bringing them into a different alignment, but one that Severus found quite... satisfactory.

Remus, to be honest, had not expected Severus to acquiesce so quickly. Remus took the opening, surging forward to let his tongue brush against Severus'. He heard a soft moan but was unable to decipher if it was he who made the noise or if it was Severus. Every fibre of his being told him to pull away and yet he couldn't.

His legs parted, allowing Severus' knee to slip between his thighs. He slowly rutted against the leg, hips mimicking the slide of sex. He needed to get out of here -- needed to escape. But the kiss from Severus was drawing him in and down and much beyond the point of no return.

With Remus oh-so-willing, Severus had no intention of stopping or even slowing down, not until he was told that he had to. Both hands dropped from Remus' hair, one settling onto the small of his back with his fingers splayed wide, the other drifting further down to grip Remus' arse and pull him closer, higher onto his thigh.

His hips met Remus' and then he was giving it back as good as he got, slowly canting forward while their tongues slid together, chased one another with fleeting touches.

There was some warning bell going off in the back of Remus' mind that told him he should be pulling away. That he should not be trying to climb inside Severus' mouth and that he shouldn't be rutting against him like some teenage boy with his first hard-on. And yet, he still kissed back with reckless abandon, not caring what tiny moans and whimpers were escaping from his lips as Severus openly groped him.

Really, any moment he was going to come to his senses.

"Is this... wise?" Remus managed to mumble against Severus' lips, his hands twining in the other man's hair.

"Not at all," Severus answered. He never equated Gryffindors with wisdom though (except Albus, and he was as cunning as any Slytherin) and as far as he was concerned? If one was going to do something unwise, at least do it away from prying eyes. As few people knew where he lived and fewer yet had been inside, he supposed it was as far from prying eyes as they were likely to get.

"Hasn't stopped us yet." It was probably less wise than letting Remus live, but no more damning than that simple act was.

At least Severus could admit that this was a very, very stupid thing to do. Remus glanced around the kitchen, wondering if Severus ever had visitors. What happened if, say, Bellatrix were to walk through the door and catch them.

Whose life would be forfeit then?

"No... but..." Remus drew in a breath, his fingers trailing along Severus' waist to gently rest on his abdomen. He wasn't sure how to explain why they should stop -- even if every fibre of his being was demanding that they continue; consequences be damned.

Severus felt him stop, felt his body go still, even though it was still warm in his arms and against his thigh and frowned. "It figures that the one time when I want a Gryffindor to stop thinking, he feels that he must do just that," Severus sighed and bend inwards, resting his forehead on Remus' collar bone.

"If you wish to go, you had better do so before we get much further."

Gently, Remus kissed Severus upon the lips as if to convey wordlessly that he still wanted the man. It was the circumstances and the place where they were that made Remus uncomfortable. At least in his own flat he could be sure that no one would be disturbing them.

"Gryffindors cannot turn off our brains just because it's the smart thing to do," Remus said, his hand gently caressing Severus' cheek. "I... I do not wish to go." his voice fell, though his eyes remained locked with Severus', hoping that he was managing to wordlessly convey how much he wanted the other man. "But... I fear I should."

The kiss was surprising, as was the touch. He'd assumed... Severus frowned but did not move away. He'd assumed that Remus wanted to leave because of who he was, but the touch conveyed something else.

"As I said--" Severus started and cleared his throat of the hoarseness plaguing it. "As I said, if you wish to leave, you had best do it now." Before we get too far and you cannot.

The touch was the only way Remus could think of to convey the fact that he truly did want to stay. It was logic and his better judgment that was telling him that the smart thing to do was to beat a hasty retreat. Once more, Remus' fingertips brushed against Severus' cheekbone, his eyes staying locked on Severus'.

"I know I must leave," Remus said, though his tone said that he would much rather do anything but that. "This will not be... be our last meeting like this."

"Very well," Severus said huffily and took a step back, needing the distance between them. "I have things that I must attend to," he murmured. "Potions, tea," calming down after that kiss, "correspondence. Do you need me to walk you back to the Floo, or can you avoid making my cauldrons explode when you walk past?"

If there was anything Remus didn't expect, it was the way his body felt cold when Severus stepped away. How his body had come to crave Severus' touch in such a short amount of time was beyond him. Not only that, but it was maddening as well; maddening in the way Remus wanted nothing more than to slip into Severus' arms, damn the consequences.

Remus nearly stepped forward, nearly closed the distance between them before he took that last step away. Space between them suddenly allowed him to think clearly. "I... I will be fine." Remus drew in a breath, his hand curling rather than reaching out to Severus.

"I... I will owl soon. This... this is not the end," Remus said, eyes locked to Severus'. Not by a long shot.

Severus' eyebrows shot up at Remus' last words, but he said nothing. Time would tell if it was the end or not and if it was, at least he gotten something he'd wanted for years -- if only for a few minutes.

He tried to tell himself that it was enough.

"Very well. I shall see you in a few days then."