(no subject)
The last couple days have been interesting. I wouldn’t exactly call the days passed, eventful…but, stressful, definitely. Sometimes figuring out one’s feelings is harder than actually solving the problem at hand. As soon as these feelings are made evident, it is hard to ignore and even harder to dismiss. My feelings; mainly consisting of selfishness and the need to be or feel superior.
I spent these “stressful days” feeling sorry for myself and would like to think that I was not being too over-bearing and/or self absorbed.
…(That’s the problem with the human race, we are all selfish creatures looking out for one’s self fist while, others hold second).
I may have under-estimated my feelings and I may have undermined my own control over this situation, either way if I pretended I was not bothered by this, then I would be a liar as well…
Is it wrong for me to want to have some things or some people to myself? And is it wrong for me to be upset when things change between friends? I understand that things change and people evolve and grow as people but, I just don’t understand why even the best of relationships or friendships are subjected to this change. If these relationships in question, are indeed good, then what is the purpose of them changing? Is it to keep us from taking things for granted? Or is it the only way that we won’t out grow ourselves? ...Either way, some things should just be sacred, and should be unsusceptible to change.
If asked now, I still would not be able to explain or justify my feelings about this “changing” friendship or possible “changing” friendship. I know that things will not remain this way forever, although part of me feels that it should.
I’m left feeling uneasy, uneasy and frustrated. I feel uneasy because I know that one day this changeable relationship will become a “changing” one, and I am frustrated because I know that all of this was brought on by my feelings, and need to know everything.
I feel badly about what I was doing yet, knew I couldn’t take back the things said, or my feelings which are still pretty concrete on the subject. And am a bad person for expecting them to change theirs.
If it is my problem or feelings that is causing this up-roar, then should it not be me who gives up this friendship if I am unable to deal with how things turn out?...
This whole situation still rest uneasily in my mind. I have exhausted myself and the other parties involved, by talking about it. I am trying to let go, and let things fall into or out of place but, am having a hard time letting go of the control I have over myself, and these friendships.
I hope I have not flooded a river, without building a boat….
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have finally surrendered to my feelings.
I haven’t decided if this was a good idea or not. I am left feeling excited and anxious but, am scared at the thought of trusting someone else with my feelings, and possibly my heart.
I must admit. I under-estimated this person, he is much different towards me, and I guess just in general, then I had originally thought. He is actually kind of thoughtful and caring.
...I am starting to think that I should have more faith in people, and at the same time keeping in mind what happened last time I did trust more, and questioned less....