(no subject)
i can tell myself everything will be ok all day long, and believe it. but the fact is my heart is broken. and no place that i move, or thing i accomplish, or amount of fun i have, will make that pain dissipate.
i dont understand how this happens. i dont understand how people let themselves give up. i mean, i do, but i dont. i do. but i dont know. D isnt the kind of person who gets carried away with something, hes incredibly controled. and honest. he does what he wants and nothing else. and he's logical and has a lot of sense about himself, and life; hes got a good head on his shoulders, that is always the ruling force with him. thats one reason why i dont understand why he now doubts things he did or thought in our relationship. it would be so unlike him to do anything by any other force than that of his own will. he might have "lost himself" to the degree one needs to in order to be in love, but he always knew what he was doing. he always knew, and i believe he believed in us. i believe his wanted what he said he did.
he needs independance higher than what you have when you share yourself with someone. i guess he needs to reclaim himself. he has always done what he wants, but i guess my existing in the backround limited him. it sort of seems as if he doesnt want to care about me, i mean, the way he talks about it is that he doesnt like the feeling of wanting to be there for someone. he is trying to help me find a place to move, and i tell him, "see i thought you wanted me to do things for myself" (as if dont already), and he says, this is what i want to stop doing, stop helping you. whats wrong with helping someone??? it just means that you care! and whats wrong with caring for someone? thats a good thing!! why should someone suppress or try to get rid of such a feeling? why would someone want to not care? i dont know. its something about this i dont understand. i do soooooo much for myself. i dont need help, and i cant find a place, and go to utilities and do all this stuff for myself, its not hard and its not what im scared of. its that he doesnt want to care "too much"(!), thats something im scared of, something im so confused by.
other than the overwhelming pain, i guess im getting better at dealing with this. its hard to keep it all in, try not to think about it. im trying to give him what he wants, space. leaving him alone. not talking, not asking questions. i feel like im trying to be invisible, too scared to ask, care, effect him at all, since thats what i understand to be what he wants, to be uneffected.
i dont understand how this happens. i dont understand how people let themselves give up. i mean, i do, but i dont. i do. but i dont know. D isnt the kind of person who gets carried away with something, hes incredibly controled. and honest. he does what he wants and nothing else. and he's logical and has a lot of sense about himself, and life; hes got a good head on his shoulders, that is always the ruling force with him. thats one reason why i dont understand why he now doubts things he did or thought in our relationship. it would be so unlike him to do anything by any other force than that of his own will. he might have "lost himself" to the degree one needs to in order to be in love, but he always knew what he was doing. he always knew, and i believe he believed in us. i believe his wanted what he said he did.
he needs independance higher than what you have when you share yourself with someone. i guess he needs to reclaim himself. he has always done what he wants, but i guess my existing in the backround limited him. it sort of seems as if he doesnt want to care about me, i mean, the way he talks about it is that he doesnt like the feeling of wanting to be there for someone. he is trying to help me find a place to move, and i tell him, "see i thought you wanted me to do things for myself" (as if dont already), and he says, this is what i want to stop doing, stop helping you. whats wrong with helping someone??? it just means that you care! and whats wrong with caring for someone? thats a good thing!! why should someone suppress or try to get rid of such a feeling? why would someone want to not care? i dont know. its something about this i dont understand. i do soooooo much for myself. i dont need help, and i cant find a place, and go to utilities and do all this stuff for myself, its not hard and its not what im scared of. its that he doesnt want to care "too much"(!), thats something im scared of, something im so confused by.
other than the overwhelming pain, i guess im getting better at dealing with this. its hard to keep it all in, try not to think about it. im trying to give him what he wants, space. leaving him alone. not talking, not asking questions. i feel like im trying to be invisible, too scared to ask, care, effect him at all, since thats what i understand to be what he wants, to be uneffected.