i couldnt save myself to save myself
really, i feel like something wound-up. something intense
and then i feel silly and dreamy and settle
and i continue to exist, like everyone else is so content to
but im just not
ive never been one. a big fan of getting a job and being a voter and having a car. and i still have incredible anxiety about job searches (ok, so do most i would imagine) and ive only voted once in my 7 years of ability to do so (for a person who i sort of knew, otherwise i wouldnt have even done it) and now that i can drive i completely hate it. i think i knew it would be like this from a very early age, that i would hate it, or maybe i decided that at the very beginning, but either way im not predisposed for the standard way of life. it just doesnt fit right, or i dont know how to wear it. as a child i dreamed of the things i would be, the way i wanted to live, and im sure it would have made adults laugh if i had actually communicated my true thoughts and feeling to an adult, ever, in my youth.
one dream i had was that i wanted to find the next big archeological site in Egypt. the news that this has happened without my involvement is a big blow to my psyche. not only has my dream been fullfilled by others, but i am in no fucking way close to doing ANYTHING AT ALL EXTRODINARY OR INTERESTING OR ACCOMPLISHING AAAAAANYTHING in my life. now, i never really got my hopes up too high about digs and statues or anything else that i have dreamed about, but i didnt know that i would have done absolutely nothing by my age. i thought id do something... but no. im just doing what everyone else does.
i dont think "what everyone else does" is bad, and im not saying that im better than that, because believe me, im not better than anything. but i dont know. im just upset. i dont know what the hell im doing. im doing nothing, i want to do something, but i dont i cant im wound and im broken and im a mechanical pencil with no lead, purpose obvious and will present but no way to convey, so is there any purpose anymore? or ever?
goddamn. my psych teacher was saying today that there are some people with higher IQs that dont reach thier potential because of mental disorder. all i could think about is how creative mentally disordered types turn to the bottle to disolve their problems, temporarily, sometimes, or something else. its like the ladder up the wall, like the hole under the fence, the "open sesame" into the cave of ideas and thought. its stereotypical, i know. but thats what i was thinking when she said it. i just wonder what other ways there are over that wall, under that fence, cause im just sitting here staring at it and i cant seem to think my way through.
and then i feel silly and dreamy and settle
and i continue to exist, like everyone else is so content to
but im just not
ive never been one. a big fan of getting a job and being a voter and having a car. and i still have incredible anxiety about job searches (ok, so do most i would imagine) and ive only voted once in my 7 years of ability to do so (for a person who i sort of knew, otherwise i wouldnt have even done it) and now that i can drive i completely hate it. i think i knew it would be like this from a very early age, that i would hate it, or maybe i decided that at the very beginning, but either way im not predisposed for the standard way of life. it just doesnt fit right, or i dont know how to wear it. as a child i dreamed of the things i would be, the way i wanted to live, and im sure it would have made adults laugh if i had actually communicated my true thoughts and feeling to an adult, ever, in my youth.
one dream i had was that i wanted to find the next big archeological site in Egypt. the news that this has happened without my involvement is a big blow to my psyche. not only has my dream been fullfilled by others, but i am in no fucking way close to doing ANYTHING AT ALL EXTRODINARY OR INTERESTING OR ACCOMPLISHING AAAAAANYTHING in my life. now, i never really got my hopes up too high about digs and statues or anything else that i have dreamed about, but i didnt know that i would have done absolutely nothing by my age. i thought id do something... but no. im just doing what everyone else does.
i dont think "what everyone else does" is bad, and im not saying that im better than that, because believe me, im not better than anything. but i dont know. im just upset. i dont know what the hell im doing. im doing nothing, i want to do something, but i dont i cant im wound and im broken and im a mechanical pencil with no lead, purpose obvious and will present but no way to convey, so is there any purpose anymore? or ever?
goddamn. my psych teacher was saying today that there are some people with higher IQs that dont reach thier potential because of mental disorder. all i could think about is how creative mentally disordered types turn to the bottle to disolve their problems, temporarily, sometimes, or something else. its like the ladder up the wall, like the hole under the fence, the "open sesame" into the cave of ideas and thought. its stereotypical, i know. but thats what i was thinking when she said it. i just wonder what other ways there are over that wall, under that fence, cause im just sitting here staring at it and i cant seem to think my way through.