Not this mind and not this heart

[notcrazy_honest]

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Comments

[notcrazy_honest]

I've seen that same sort of feeling around LJ, too, so you may be right about that. I think what Dan's taught me is that you need to let the people around you decide whether they think there's a problem or tell you if they really think that. If you trust yourself and those people around you, you'll trust what they tell you. I'm sort of realizing that I was in a space where I didn't trust people (or myself) for a really long time, regardless of the rationalizing I did.

Yeah, the therapist thing was a terrible idea. The only ones available at my college were the students, and we were at a tech school. They rotated them every two to three weeks, and...it just was bad. I gave one more outside of that a try and it didn't go great, either...and then I finally found someone to talk to over the phone. Hopefully I'll get collected enough to talk to him again sometime soon. I think sometimes people who haven't tried it before assume all therapists are the same, and...no. I'm glad the first guy you had was so great, but that's too bad he set such a high bar. At least advice and links are useful.

What you're saying about anxiety makes total sense to me. The fear of anxiety is always way more prevalent than the actual anxiety of the thing itself. The objectivity of re-examining everything sounds like something I've already started up. I had been avoiding a lot of my past, to the point where I've actually forgotten huge chunks of my college experience. This may be partially due to physical issues, but I think I've also been trying to forget. Still, for most of my life, I've kept journals and diaries (the fact that I didn't through parts of college is an idea of how bad it got), so I've started to read back through some of that.

And....yeah. I think there's some things there that've been informing how I've been reacting to stuff without me understanding it. It's been a lot easier to approach it as "this was past-me. Let's see if we see some of the same problems I've got now, and if there's an origin for that, or an indicator." This is what I do in Accounting, when things aren't working out. I follow the problem back to the source. And that's been showing me a lot, so far.

That last thing you wrote....that's a great way to look at it. Because I feel the same way about RP and stories, so "getting first-hand experience of my life" starts to sound like something I'd want to do, rather than an odd train wreck that got mostly sorted out. Even train wrecks are interesting.