Comments | notcrazy_honest: Not this mind and not this heart

notcrazy_honest

Not this mind and not this heart

Sep 05, 2012 09:55

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

( There was something wrong. )

Comments 11

sanguinepen September 5 2012, 16:35:04 UTC

I'm here to listen if you ever need me. Rant away. I know you guys listen to me all the time. *hugs*

notcrazy_honest September 5 2012, 18:32:23 UTC

I still need to pull myself out of the mindset of 'no one wants to hear this/hang out with someone who is like this', but at least I'm working on it now. And since I have a lot of things to look at and figure out, I'm going to guess I'll take advantage of that rant invite sometime. Thank you, very much. *hug*

capn_mactastic September 5 2012, 18:58:57 UTC

*hugs you* I'm here if you need to talk, bb, or do most stuff rly. I know how depression can rip itself a little hole in your brain and start eating the feelings you need.

notcrazy_honest September 5 2012, 19:33:44 UTC

That's really the perfect way to put describe the whole thing. *hugs* Thanks so much for the offer. I'm just starting with looking into all this, so...yeah. I'll probably be taking you up on that.

capn_mactastic September 5 2012, 20:21:52 UTC

*snuggles you*

qnorse September 5 2012, 23:39:11 UTC

I'm really glad you're to the point where you know there is a lot of mental stuff going on and it's a huge part of your physical symptoms. Nicki had noticed and worried about that a long time ago and from what he told me, had tried to convince you that it was more than fibro, but at the time you weren't ready to hear it. And you had even told me how annoyed you were when a doctor you had gone to tried to prescribe you anti depressants. I originally wrote a lot of up beat encouraging stuff but it sounds fucking weird coming from me so I'll spare you. But for what it's worth, I think learning to separate the emotional from the physical is a huge step in the right direction.

notcrazy_honest September 6 2012, 00:21:52 UTC

It's still a raw thing for me, for reasons which I'll go into as I'm writing more about all this. The thing sticking out most for me right now is the fact that my mother would get angry at me for being sad when I first moved back- this is because she 'knew' the stress made my fibromyalgia worse. I think she was scared. She calmed down, but it sort of taught me to shove down and ignore that stuff, as much as possible.

So yeah, I wasn't ready to admit it, not till now. (as for the anti-depressants, I'll say that was part defensive, and part having tried about 5 different ones in college already- that went horribly) It sort of blows my mind that there's so many people that've never known me from before I was this way.

I think you had a little bit of upbeat encouraging stuff in there anyway, but I'll manage somehow. ;) Thanks. I'm really hoping going through this gets me to a point where I be okay with myself again.

anivad September 6 2012, 12:12:37 UTC

I love you.
Please, please look after yourself, and do what you need to do. You're not a burden, no more than anyone else. You're the opposite, at least for me. So many times you've helped brighten my days in the smallest ways when I most needed it, and my life would be much poorer if I'd never known you. <3

Are you seeing a therapist to help with the depression?

notcrazy_honest September 6 2012, 17:27:34 UTC

<3 ( ... )

anivad September 7 2012, 14:16:38 UTC

<3 ( ... )

notcrazy_honest September 7 2012, 15:47:42 UTC

I've seen that same sort of feeling around LJ, too, so you may be right about that. I think what Dan's taught me is that you need to let the people around you decide whether they think there's a problem or tell you if they really think that. If you trust yourself and those people around you, you'll trust what they tell you. I'm sort of realizing that I was in a space where I didn't trust people (or myself) for a really long time, regardless of the rationalizing I did ( ... )