(no subject)
The Field Trip is over. That's all I really have to say on that. Now I'm just trying to regain my bearings while wondering when the teachers are going to decide to go playing sadistic war games again. What were they trying to test us for? Was it some kind of prepairation? I dont understand.
It's nice to be home though. I guess. Things seem to have settled into being as normal as they can be with Tseng and Reno in and out visiting Rufus. Tseng seems pretty upset over the trip. I dont blame him. I think all of us are a little on edge.
Sora! You're eating habits are making my stomach tie in knots. I'm going to have to make you something descent to eat. And cookies dont count!
I've been having these weird thoughts lately, ever since that night in the inn with the storm raging outside when Professor Liore was there staring at me. I...I dont think I have any doubts any more about who my father is. I was always pretty certain but I kind of wrote it off in the back of my head that I didnt have a father and that I was okay with that. Everyone left me,so I got used to being left. I let myself become hard. But he caught me off guard and that look in his eyes. I...we...connected. And it left me wanting to know him more, to have more moments like that. But...I dont know what to say, what to do. It's been a lifetime and we're strangers...but we're family too.
Then there is problem number 2: Irvine. Before the trip he cought me in the common room. I dont know how he got in. I...he seems to get everywhere! Bastard!...But...he was holding me. And I felt...protected, wanted. It felt so good...like back then...And I wanted to hold him back! I wanted him to keep holding me! But I'm not like that! Irvine is to wild. He cuddles everyone right? I'm nothing special. He'd probably never touch me because we're friends. But what if I want him to want me? I...I had obligations to Rinoa but she's so far away. I'll protect her if she ever thinks the sorceress powers are in danger but...Im more than a soldier. Aren't I? I'm confused. I hate you. I love you. I want you. I dont want you. Hold me. Dont touch me. I haven't needed anyone in so long and I've just let my emptiness consume me. I attempted to fill it with military accomplishment, to give myself at least vague definition as something human. But every night I toss and turn and cling for someone who isnt there anymore. Every night I dream and every morning I get left alone and shivering. I'm screaming inside where no one can hear me. I'm filling the well of my emptiness with my silent tears.
It's nice to be home though. I guess. Things seem to have settled into being as normal as they can be with Tseng and Reno in and out visiting Rufus. Tseng seems pretty upset over the trip. I dont blame him. I think all of us are a little on edge.
Sora! You're eating habits are making my stomach tie in knots. I'm going to have to make you something descent to eat. And cookies dont count!
I've been having these weird thoughts lately, ever since that night in the inn with the storm raging outside when Professor Liore was there staring at me. I...I dont think I have any doubts any more about who my father is. I was always pretty certain but I kind of wrote it off in the back of my head that I didnt have a father and that I was okay with that. Everyone left me,so I got used to being left. I let myself become hard. But he caught me off guard and that look in his eyes. I...we...connected. And it left me wanting to know him more, to have more moments like that. But...I dont know what to say, what to do. It's been a lifetime and we're strangers...but we're family too.
Then there is problem number 2: Irvine. Before the trip he cought me in the common room. I dont know how he got in. I...he seems to get everywhere! Bastard!...But...he was holding me. And I felt...protected, wanted. It felt so good...like back then...And I wanted to hold him back! I wanted him to keep holding me! But I'm not like that! Irvine is to wild. He cuddles everyone right? I'm nothing special. He'd probably never touch me because we're friends. But what if I want him to want me? I...I had obligations to Rinoa but she's so far away. I'll protect her if she ever thinks the sorceress powers are in danger but...Im more than a soldier. Aren't I? I'm confused. I hate you. I love you. I want you. I dont want you. Hold me. Dont touch me. I haven't needed anyone in so long and I've just let my emptiness consume me. I attempted to fill it with military accomplishment, to give myself at least vague definition as something human. But every night I toss and turn and cling for someone who isnt there anymore. Every night I dream and every morning I get left alone and shivering. I'm screaming inside where no one can hear me. I'm filling the well of my emptiness with my silent tears.