[EXO] [PD5] Mazed and Confused 2/2
Title: Mazed and Confused 2/2
Fandom: EXO (sort of fused with Final Fantasy VII)
Series: Phoenix Down (#5)
Rating: R
Genre: AU, crossover (sort of)
Word count: 10,167
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Warnings: Contains a brief scene from Kai's colourful past which includes both sex and violence (non-graphic).
Part 1
Mazed and Confused 2/2
To fall, one must have both a point of origin and a destination. A start and a finish. Kai starts to fall, but there's nowhere to go. He remains still while reality rearranges itself around him, darkness replaced by tall grey walls, too high for him to see over, too wide to see around. When the walls settle Kai lands on his feet again, Lu Han beside him.
"It's not normally this...grey." Lu Han looks around. "Your brain has been doing some redecorating."
"Where is this?"
"I don't know. Shall we find out?"
They turn the corner together, only to find more walls stretching out to infinity, forming paths in opposite directions with no indication of where they lead. Taking the left is a purely arbitrary choice. It leads them to another junction, and when Kai looks back, thinking to retrace their steps, the path has already shifted into a new configuration.
"A maze," Lu Han says thoughtfully. "Your confused state must be responsible for this."
Nothing looks familiar. Kai wants to shrink in on himself, to curl up next to one of the endless walls because then at least he knows where he is - here. If he moves, he loses that, and he's not sure he can deal with the loss right now.
Lu Han has to raise both hands to pat Kai on the shoulder. "It's a good thing I like solving puzzles."
What Lu Han doesn't mention is whether or not he's any good at it. Kai doesn't know how long they walk for, but they don't seem to be getting anywhere, venturing down blind alleys that become junctions as they turn around, never finding anything that resembles either a heart or an exit. With each second that passes, Kai becomes more and more convinced that Lu Han is here to trick him, to trap him, to lose him in this cold grey maze forever.
And yet he keeps walking, because there's nothing else he can do.
Eventually, Lu Han calls a halt. "This is getting us nowhere. I don't think your mind will let us see what's beyond the walls unless you choose to drop them."
Kai shrugs. "I'm not doing anything."
"Not consciously, but your defenses are the highest I've ever seen them. Do you remember that you blocked me out, once? Even then, you didn't have an impossible maze in here." Lu Han holds his bound hands outstretched; a ghost in Kai's heart wants to reach for him and he shoves the impulse away. "I'm going to show you something. Maybe you'll trust me more if you can stop thinking of me as a stranger."
"I don't-" Kai begins, only to have his thoughts scattered by an image. It's nothing he's seen before. Perhaps it's Lu Han's.
There he is, Lu Han standing before a mirror, checking his hair. He's not dressed for battle here; if anything, he's dressed for bed, in fuzzy, deer-print pyjamas. Someone crosses behind him in the mirror. Another familiar face, though the name escapes Kai for the moment. This one evokes memories of frozen diamonds, hard and cold, but a smile warm enough to melt them all.
"That's Minseok," Lu Han says. "My roommate. I told you before that we lived together. Me, Minseok, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Zitao. What I didn't tell you was where."
The scene changes. There's a bookshop, with a familiar face working the counter - Baekhyun, the one Kris had called outside. He's smiling at the two girls he's serving, not destroying the world with blinding white light. The shop's filled with strangers, filled with cases of books and sunlight through the windows. It's a million miles away from the maze.
"In my world, Minseok and I run a bookshop," Lu Han explains. "The city we live in is similar to Junon, if that helps. Do you remember Junon? You lived there for a while, after you met me."
Kai knows the name. Water and giant canons and a Dark Dragon on the roof of City Hall. "By the sea?"
"That's right." Lu Han's praise is warm, not quite patronising. "Junon's on the coast. We're not there now, though. You're staying in Midgar at the moment."
Midgar, which Kai can only find in scraps of bad memories. The name covers his arms in gooseflesh, a reflection of the chill creeping through his body with the harsh, bitter wind of remembrance.
"I found you in Midgar." Lu Han's voice, steady and soothing, is a comforting wall between Kai and his past; Kai wants to lean on it and accept the support offered - but he can't. "And you found me. I couldn't tell you much at first because I thought it would be too confusing for you."
"And this is supposed to be better?" Kai snaps. "Like I'm not confused now? Who are you to make that choice for me?"
"Just someone who cares."
The bookshop fades out, replaced by a still image of a pack of wolves. There's a special name for them, but Kai's lost it in the fog.
"Kalm Fangs," Lu Han says. "The first monsters I ever killed. I wasn't even fifteen yet, the first time I found myself in your world. I thought I was going to die. We don't have them where I'm from. No monsters and no magic - that's the difference between our worlds."
Kai tries to picture a teenaged Lu Han, scared and alone, unarmed and armourless, forced to fight for his life in a strange new world. It's an oddly endearing thought, one that crosses the divide between them, brings Lu Han down to Kai's level and puts them on a more even footing. Lu Han's shorter and slighter, though clearly athletic, and Kai wonders how much of the muscle adding curves to his sleeves is due to fights. Are they alike, in that way? Becoming stronger to protect themselves?
"But you survived."
Lu Han nods. "I think I have a purpose, when I'm in your world, and that guides me in what I do. But it doesn't give me all the answers."
The Kalm Fangs swirl away, leaving the walls behind. As Kai watches, the wall directly in front of him shrinks to half its height. He still can't see over, but it's a start.
"Let me show you something else," Lu Han says. "You might recognise this next one."
Kai does, because it's himself, seen through Lu Han's eyes. He watches himself being held, being embraced with infinite tenderness, arms settling slowly around his body while he laughs, while he...loves? He's looking at Lu Han with trust in his eyes. Kai didn't even think he was capable of that, not anymore. Trust is for people who've never been hurt.
"You used to look at me like that," Lu Han says quietly. "It's been a little while."
"I can't believe I'd look at anyone like that," Kai says. What Lu Han's showing him has to be a lie. "I don't trust people enough. It's too dangerous."
Beneath his trousers, his thighs are burning; each individual stripe torn into his skin has its own frequency of pain and he feels them all at once. He remembers them being healed by a customer, before he ever met Lu Han. How he came by them in the first place is a memory he'd rather sacrifice to the fog. Physical scars may heal, but phantom pain is never far away.
"Everything we do carries a risk - it's up to you whether or not you think the risk is worth it. Personally," Lu Han breaks into a grin, "I think it is. I can't remember how we met, or how long we've been together. My dreams haven't shown me that much. But it doesn't matter to me, because I've seen enough to know we've walked this path together before. That gives me hope we can make it work again. You remember hope? It's that thing you don't always allow yourself to have."
For Kai, 'hope' falls into the same category as 'trust'. If he wants something, he knows he has to work to achieve it himself. He can't rely on anyone else to help. Empty hopes are as disappointing as misplaced trust, and when it comes right down to it he's unwilling to put himself through that again. He'll walk alone as he searches for himself. It's safer that way.
"You're not alone." Lu Han plucks his thought from the air, a half-formed image falling in fragments, multicoloured snowflakes that make up a torn picture. "You don't have to be. Not anymore. You will always have me, I promise you. You've got friends out there who are looking after you too. There are even more you haven't met yet, ones I haven't met either. We'll find them together."
"How can you be so sure?" Kai asks bitterly. Part of him would like very much to believe Lu Han isn't the enemy, because it's hard to reconcile the image of them cuddling with someone wanting to stab him in the back.
Then again, it wouldn't be the first time.
"I could say that it's because we've found others, and I think that with that as a precedent it's likely we'll find more. I could say that it's because it's our destiny or something, and we can't escape it. But," Lu Han says, "it's really much simpler than that. It's because I found you."
Kai doesn't usually have the luxury of indulging in such shameless sap. Lu Han appears amused by his own words, too. What Kai remembers of their connection involves more in the way of actions than soppy declarations about their feelings, whatever they might've been. Feelings don't have much to do with business transactions, Kai trading the only currency he has for what he needs.
But that's not what he has with Lu Han, is it? He wishes he had the full picture. His thoughts fall around them like rain; millions of tiny drops splashing him with memories.
There's a puddle starting to form at his feet. He crouches down to look at the picture shimmering on the surface. It's himself in the mirror, warming up at the barre, his teacher casting a shadow behind him. He stomps in the puddle the moment he recognises the memory. Childish of him, perhaps, but he doesn't want to look. He hopes Lu Han didn't notice.
"Nice tights," Lu Han says, proving that Kai should never, ever, hope for anything because he clearly won't get it. "Was that when you were still learning ballet?"
"Yeah." Kai swallows thickly, trying to rid himself of the emotions threatening to clog his throat. Old memories, bad memories. He's over them. "Yeah, that was a long time ago."
"I thought you loved dancing? You don't sound like it."
Kai does love dancing. What he doesn't love is what he's had to do in order to learn, and what it's done to him. Lu Han's heard about some of it. He doesn't need to know the rest.
"Show me?" Lu Han's getting impatient. "If you're thinking about it now, it's obviously relevant."
"It doesn't matter," Kai says. "I told you, it was a long time ago."
"You're looking for your past. Don't you think it's about time you started opening your eyes to it?"
"I'm looking for the stuff I don't remember, not the stuff I don't want to remember."
"Keep your eyes closed and you won't see anything at all."
Maybe that would be better, Kai thinks. Live his life solely in the here and now, forget that there's something nagging at the edge of his consciousness. But letting go of his experiences would make him someone else, and he's not sure he's willing to throw himself away completely.
He bites down on his lower lip, not trusting his mouth to expel words in his favour. It doesn't normally.
With a sigh, Lu Han leans down to capture Kai's hand between his own bound ones, the cuffs forcing his fingers into a fumbling, clumsy grasp - nothing like the grace and surety Kai remembers from the battlefield. Lu Han's not this awkward. Lu Han's forever moving forward, fearless.
Only now...he seems hesitant. "I'll show you my worst memory if you show me yours. Sound fair?"
"Why?"
"Because you need to trust someone and I figure maybe if I trust you with myself, you'll reciprocate?"
Kai keeps silent. The thick grey fog blanketing his mind is slowly thinning out; the clarity it leaves behind is less than welcome. He's still confused, but now the indecision is his own. He's still hazy on the details. What he does remember, only too clearly, is that Lu Han's origins are too much of a mystery to him. There's too much he doesn't know, and that's no way to keep himself safe.
In the end, he realises there's no choice, not really. Neither of them should be here, but they're not going anywhere with these walls still standing tall and no clear path in sight. Something has to give.
"Okay," he says slowly. "Show me."
Lu Han's fingers tighten around his; Kai can't help but squeeze back.
Grey walls fading out would be a welcome change of scenery, were it not for their replacement. Kai knows this place. He never wants to see it again.
Gaudy yellow and black décor is the norm at Midgar's Honey Bee Inn, where good taste is something reserved for a better class of establishment and dressing like a flying insect is not only a fashion statement, it's the rule. But only for the Bees, of course - the pretty young things who spend their shifts servicing the customers, indulging their every desire provided they can pay.
Kai's three months of working there had been for one reason only: to find himself a Lu Han. It certainly hadn't been for love of the job. He's done better, he's done worse. Work is work, and that particular job had been a necessary evil, something that's now over and done with, a piece of his past mostly filled with boredom and despondency, with a little humiliation thrown in. He'd chosen it himself; he couldn't complain. He's a big boy. He's not afraid to make his bed and lie in it - or rather, lie in one of the Inn's beds, which rarely stayed made for long.
It's not the sort of place Kai would ever visit on his own account and at the time, having never felt any sort of interest in the proceedings, he'd wondered what it was like for the customers, who presumably wanted things. He'd never expected to find out, but he's looking through a customer's eyes now.
Lu Han's eyes.
It jolts him to realise it's not just a flat, two dimensional image he's watching - if he listens closely, he can hear the chatter of people behind him, and the bland, pseudo-romantic music piped through the Inn's speakers. Not only that, but he's picking up on Lu Han's feelings, too: not so much individual thoughts as general impressions, but it's clear Lu Han's not concentrating properly. His mind's wandering, so Kai lets his wander with it.
Impatient. Bored. Curious. Anyone new today?
"I thought about showing you...well, I thought of a lot of things I could show you." Lu Han's voice provides the soundtrack. "But this was simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst moments of my life."
Kai's pretty sure that's cheating. Nevertheless, he's curious about why that should be the case. He watches the view change, as the Lu Han in the memory skims through the selection on offer. Pretty boys, pretty girls, pretty young things whose appearance gives nothing away about what might await a customer beneath their tiny yellow shorts. Lu Han's meanderings begin to form cohesive thoughts in Kai's mind.
She's not bad but it seems she's booked solid today. Nice hair; I wonder where he gets it done? Hmm, this one looks like he's just a kid - not going there!
"My master at the time collected materia but never used it himself," Lu Han says. "You must've seen his collection, in that vest he always wore. So he never called any of us out - annoying, because it meant we couldn't look for any of you."
"He had other Summons," Kai recalls.
"Yeah, and it didn't make any difference to the others. But I don't have to be summoned, so when I knew he wouldn't miss me, I sneaked out." Lu Han grins, a sparkle of mischief that suits him better than halting patience. "I couldn't go that far from my orb, but it still gave me a chance to look around, and the Honey Bee Inn was close, you know? And it was...kind of difficult to hook up with anyone, between the bookshop and everything else. Our worlds use the same money; I'd always bring some gil across with me so I could afford the fees."
Lu Han's speaking far too casually of his brothel-going habits for Kai to take it seriously as a bad time in his life. "Sounds like a real hardship."
"Keep watching."
The view shifts away from the front desk, deeper into the foyer, where a male Bee is coming out to greet his next customer. Kai sees himself again, wearing those terrible, skimpy, yellow and black clothes with the translucent wings attached. Not his best look. He recognises his own fake smile, the one that kept the customers and his bosses satisfied, that didn't involve any actual joy on his part. He knows how bright his eyes can be when he's truly happy, and he knows that the eyes in Lu Han's memory are nothing but a poor reflection.
Isn't that... It might be. What's he doing here?
"This is the first time I saw you in person, in your world," Lu Han says. "I'd been seeing your face in my dreams for years and I knew, after a while, that we'd known each other before. Intimately."
"That's not fair," Kai says, frustrated. "I didn't know anything about you before we met, except about your skills as a Summon. I'm not having any useful dreams."
"I think you will, in time. Don't worry about it; you can't force yourself."
But that appears to be exactly what Kai's doing, at the Inn - feigning compliance, pretending his customer strikes some sort of magical chord within him that'll have him panting and eager before too long. There's nothing wrong with his equipment. Provide enough physical stimulation and he can get through it just fine. However, there's a giant chasm between wanting and doing, and Kai had never successfully bridged it.
Not until Lu Han.
"I get why this counts as one of the best moments." Kai's trying not to snap. "So you saw me. Great. What's so tragic about it?"
He gets his answer in Lu Han's thoughts, which fly past him in a frantic, babbling stream.
it's really him - he's with someone - can i talk to him - what's his name - the picture on the wall says kai - who's kai - i don't know him - he doesn't know me - none of the others knew me - how long have i got - it's not long enough - what should i do - i want to see him - i have to see him - i need to be here but i can't be here - i have to follow him - what if he won't talk to me - what if he hates me - he can't hate me he doesn't know me - he's so beautiful but he doesn't look happy - can i make him happy - why am i tied to this stupid orb - why can't i be free to go with him - master across the street - orb too far away - can't carry it - why do i belong to someone else - want to take him away from here but he has to take me away - stupid materia
Lu Han's fingers stroke his wrist, heavy enough not to tickle. "Follow my memories, and you'll know."
"If I'd just looked across the foyer..." Kai muses.
"You wouldn't have recognised me," Lu Han says gently. "Not unless you'd known what I looked like, seen me summoned by someone else; and if you had, we'd have found each other already."
Kai sees himself leading his customer away as the image dissolves into drops. Raindrops, teardrops. His eyes sting when he tries to put himself in Lu Han's place, watching his chance disappear into one of the pleasure rooms, perhaps forever.
master has to come here with materia - must persuade him to come - must tell him kai's his type - he likes beautiful things - kai's beautiful - kai's mine - but who's kai - name doesn't matter - it's him - it's always him
"It took some time for me to persuade my master he needed to get laid. I..." Lu Han has the decency to look faintly ashamed of himself. "I recommended you. Told him you'd fit right in with his collection of beautiful things. I thought I could come out and talk to you while he was in the shower or something, get you to steal the orb from him. Turns out I didn't have to."
"Risky plan."
"Risky plan," Lu Han agrees. "I didn't know if you'd even want to hear anything I said. But I had to try it. There are things I have to do - things we have to do - and I would've given up on the whole lot just to be with you again. To hear you laugh, to see you smile at me when I walk in the room. I only have flashes of things from before and I wanted us to fill in the gaps together."
i can do this - i can bring us together - but what if he finds out i did it - should i tell him - what if it scares him away - what if he thinks i'll manipulate him too - what if he thinks i'm a bad person - what if he runs away - what if he leaves me behind - how do i find him again - what if i never find him again - i don't want to lose him - what if i do the wrong thing - i'm so scared i'll drive him away
Hearing the thoughts accompanying the image, Kai finally understands. It's not this memory that Lu Han wants him to see. It's the emotions that accompany it, the things they don't say to each other - the risk and the reward, the promise of finding each other and the pain if it all goes wrong. Kai's not used to Lu Han being uncertain, worried about whether or not he's doing the right thing. He's never shared those fears before. Sharing them now makes it easier for Kai to remember Lu Han's human too - one with unusual abilities, in this world, but just like him, for all that. Not an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful god. Lu Han's vulnerable too.
There's a crack from behind them - a wall splitting in half. Between the lurching grey towers of stone, a clear path emerges. Kai doesn't know if it'll take them out, or further into his mind, but he boldly steps forward onto it anyway. He doesn't let go of Lu Han's hand.
"You're remembering," Lu Han comments as they walk, close together because of the cuffs and their interlinked fingers, through the storm of memory droplets. "From before the Malboro attacked you. Look, the pieces are fitting back together."
He points with his chin at a waterfall taking shape over on the left. It's not water falling in a constant stream but images, now free from the grey haze. Lu Han carrying an injured Kai over the edge of a roof despite his fear of heights. A purple-black collar, even now a comfortable presence around Kai's neck. The chocobo stable where they'd first met, Kai worried that he'd just called up a Summon to wipe out all the chocobos, Lu Han a vision in armour, desperately trying to pierce Kai's exhaustion and terror to tell him he was safe.
No one can ever be truly safe - Kai knows that now. But it's okay to believe the lie for a little while.
He knows what's waiting for him at the end of the path. It won't be pretty; nevertheless, Lu Han deserves to see it. It's part of Kai, after all.
The waterfall feeds memories into the darkness until they're surrounded by walls of images, pieces of the past, and the blackness is no more. There's one last thing to see, at the very end of the path.
"I have...things I don't want to remember," Kai says, awkward because he's not sure how to explain himself.
"So I noticed," Lu Han says drily. "Take your time."
He does, letting the memories surface and begin to take shape before them. One from earlier reappears: a ballet lesson, Kai with the shadow of his teacher behind him. Lu Han needs to see it all, not just through Kai's eyes, so Kai fills in the rest of the picture for him.
"My second ballet teacher." The picture expands to show a man's silhouette, all long limbs and graceful motions as he teaches an adoring class. "I was younger then. Naive. It wasn't the first time I'd traded sex for something I wanted; I knew - I thought I knew - what I was getting into."
The other students disappear, leaving Kai dancing with a silhouette. A 'private lesson'. His teacher catches him around the waist, drawing him close. This is no traditional pas de deux; both cease to dance, merely swaying to the music, moving softly in place as their lips meet. The scene darkens.
"It was simple." Kai struggles to keep his voice even. "We had an arrangement. We both knew it wasn't anything personal, but we were...friends, of a sort. I liked him, looked up to him. I trusted him."
Lu Han says nothing, merely gives his fingers a comforting squeeze. This is all in the past, Kai has to tell himself. It doesn't have to wreck the rest of his life. Not anymore.
The new scene takes place not in a studio but in a bedroom, with Kai on his knees before a shadow. Lack of finer detail in no way disguises what's taking place between them: Kai's mouth stretched wide, head bobbing, one hand on his teacher's knee for balance, his teacher's hand stroking his hair. This is by no means new to him, but it's before the novelty's fully worn off - his eyes are still interested, full of life, curious about exploring the sensations. It doesn't take long before the shadow streaks Kai's cheeks with dark, sticky smears, normal colours inverted by whatever part of Kai's mind is working overtime to keep everything about his ballet teacher from Lu Han. Neither face nor name are important. It's the lesson that matters.
The teacher draws him up to the bed to gently wipe away the residue, licking himself from Kai's lips and swallowing down the giggles Kai's still unguarded enough to let slip. There's no love here, but there's sufficient liking for Kai to enjoy himself. He doesn't send his mind away to safety. There's no need. This is as safe as it gets, in the slums, and his teacher's not so much older than him that this feels creepy. He's happy with the arrangement, and learning a lot - in the studio, in the bedroom, and in the scrapyard out back where they spar, sometimes. Kai's teacher tells him he's too young and pretty to walk around Sector 7 unprotected, and insists on finishing what his first ballet teacher started with his combat training.
Kai lies down on the bed, face to the ceiling. He's still dressed from his lesson, sweating from more than just his class, hair mussed and strands sticking to his forehead. Peeling his tights from his legs is the work of seconds.
That's when Lu Han interrupts. "I think you need to see this, but I'm not so sure I do, if you'd rather I didn't watch."
Kai shakes his head. This must be the first time Lu Han's actually tried to spare him from embarrassment. "I know what it looks like, but it's not what you think. You can watch."
He almost regrets his decision when his memory self begins writhing happily under his teacher's kind, steady hands, acquiring experience which had served him well, a little later in life, if not as well as the lesson that comes next. He knows how this ends. Badly. Very badly.
"He's toying with you, isn't he?" Lu Han says, quietly. "You're not on that bed for sex."
"I didn't know that then." Kai sighs, heavy with regret. Anticipation has him weakening at the knees; Lu Han's firm grip on his hand helps to steady him but it's not nearly enough. "I thought it was the same as usual. I never left there feeling like I'd been paying him for anything because we both enjoyed it. He had rough hands, but they were always gentle on me."
It's painful watching himself so open, so trusting. So foolish. He's even got his eyes closed.
That's why he doesn't see the mythril claw until it's dripping with his blood.
Beside him, Lu Han flinches. "Your legs..."
Kai freezes the image. They've seen enough. He's lying there stunned on the bed, bleeding from multiple gashes in both thighs, where his teacher's swiped him with a mythril claw. The pain, he remembers, was secondary to the bewilderment. Pain was an old, familiar friend. Betrayal was not.
The claw dangles from his teacher's hand; blood drops hang suspended in mid-air. Thighs burning from phantom wounds, Kai repeats the last words his teacher ever said to him: "It's for your own good; you have to understand that. Don't be so trusting, especially in a deal where you've got the most to lose by it. You want to survive, don't you? You want to live? Then remember this every time you even think about putting your life in someone else's hands."
Harsh words stick in his throat; there's a bitter ache in his lungs as they refuse to allow him air for such a purpose, but he has to finish. "That was his final lesson for me, and I learned it very well."
"You shouldn't have had to learn it at all."
Lu Han tugs his hands free, raising them to Kai's face. Kai doesn't even realise he's crying until Lu Han's fingers wipe away the slow trickle of tears, smearing moisture across his skin. The angle's awkward with the bonds still in place; Kai thinks about it for a moment and the mythril cuffs vanish. The frozen image - bloody wounds, dripping on bedsheets, face twisted with pain and anguish - also disappears.
Kai's taking great gulps of air, trying to ease the tightness in his chest, but that doesn't stop him walking straight into Lu Han's open arms and clinging for all he's worth. He's no romance novel heroine; he's too tall to bury his face in Lu Han's shirt and let the fabric soak up his tears. He has to settle for dripping and snuffling most unattractively, but it's okay because Lu Han's seen him far worse than this, and it hasn't scared him off.
"It takes more than a few tears to scare me off," Lu Han says, rubbing Kai's back soothingly. "You haven't met Zitao yet. He gets a little emotional sometimes."
"You're skimming my thoughts again."
"I'm standing in the middle of your thoughts," Lu Han points out. "They're mine for the skimming."
Kai holds him tight, unwilling to let go even to give himself space to laugh. It's a quasi-hysterical giggle that emerges, still breathless, thick with emotion. The effects of the Malboro's attack have worn off, Confusion disarmed by Lu Han - not neatly, but with care. That doesn't make Kai any less confused. He trusts Lu Han. He knows he shouldn't trust Lu Han. He knows he shouldn't trust anyone. He'll always be waiting for that stab in the back; or rather, the claws across his thighs.
But that's from one man. Kai's not selling himself to Lu Han. He's got nothing to lose by trusting him, and everything to gain. He's trusted Lu Han with his life so many times now. Trusted him with his body. He's trying to trust him with his heart, too. That's the part that comes hardest. He knows Lu Han's keeping things from him, and that there are things he doesn't know or can't do. Even so...it's better to believe in him, because the alternative is unthinkable.
"I know it's not easy for you." Lu Han's fingers smooth Kai's bangs away from his face. "It's not easy for me, either. I want to be with you all the time, and it's not the same, even knowing I can still talk to you. But I still think it's worth trying. How about you?"
Kai pulls back enough to flash him a watery smile. He's got much better in his arsenal but they'll have to wait until he's no longer blinking moisture from his lashes. Thinking of Lu Han as a regular guy who owns a bookshop and plays football with his roommates and just so happens to cross between worlds to fight monsters is...well, it's weird. There's so much more he wants to know, and he's not sure he'll ever receive any answers.
But those are things about other people, or the different worlds, or about how this whole Summoning business works in general. They can wait. He's learned something important today, and if this is the closest he can come to looking inside Lu Han's heart, it's good enough.
There is something else he'd like to know, though. "How do we get out of here?"
"You might not want to regain consciousness just yet," Lu Han says. "But this is your head. You can wake yourself up."
Kai does, because he thinks Kris and Lay will probably be worried about him - and also, he figures he should apologise for trying to kill them. Lay will probably take it in his stride; Kris, he's not so sure about.
They've already taken their revenge, as it turns out. Kai wakes up to find it's still pouring with rain, and he's tied to his chocobo's back for the ride home.
Fandom: EXO (sort of fused with Final Fantasy VII)
Series: Phoenix Down (#5)
Rating: R
Genre: AU, crossover (sort of)
Word count: 10,167
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Warnings: Contains a brief scene from Kai's colourful past which includes both sex and violence (non-graphic).
Part 1
Mazed and Confused 2/2
To fall, one must have both a point of origin and a destination. A start and a finish. Kai starts to fall, but there's nowhere to go. He remains still while reality rearranges itself around him, darkness replaced by tall grey walls, too high for him to see over, too wide to see around. When the walls settle Kai lands on his feet again, Lu Han beside him.
"It's not normally this...grey." Lu Han looks around. "Your brain has been doing some redecorating."
"Where is this?"
"I don't know. Shall we find out?"
They turn the corner together, only to find more walls stretching out to infinity, forming paths in opposite directions with no indication of where they lead. Taking the left is a purely arbitrary choice. It leads them to another junction, and when Kai looks back, thinking to retrace their steps, the path has already shifted into a new configuration.
"A maze," Lu Han says thoughtfully. "Your confused state must be responsible for this."
Nothing looks familiar. Kai wants to shrink in on himself, to curl up next to one of the endless walls because then at least he knows where he is - here. If he moves, he loses that, and he's not sure he can deal with the loss right now.
Lu Han has to raise both hands to pat Kai on the shoulder. "It's a good thing I like solving puzzles."
What Lu Han doesn't mention is whether or not he's any good at it. Kai doesn't know how long they walk for, but they don't seem to be getting anywhere, venturing down blind alleys that become junctions as they turn around, never finding anything that resembles either a heart or an exit. With each second that passes, Kai becomes more and more convinced that Lu Han is here to trick him, to trap him, to lose him in this cold grey maze forever.
And yet he keeps walking, because there's nothing else he can do.
Eventually, Lu Han calls a halt. "This is getting us nowhere. I don't think your mind will let us see what's beyond the walls unless you choose to drop them."
Kai shrugs. "I'm not doing anything."
"Not consciously, but your defenses are the highest I've ever seen them. Do you remember that you blocked me out, once? Even then, you didn't have an impossible maze in here." Lu Han holds his bound hands outstretched; a ghost in Kai's heart wants to reach for him and he shoves the impulse away. "I'm going to show you something. Maybe you'll trust me more if you can stop thinking of me as a stranger."
"I don't-" Kai begins, only to have his thoughts scattered by an image. It's nothing he's seen before. Perhaps it's Lu Han's.
There he is, Lu Han standing before a mirror, checking his hair. He's not dressed for battle here; if anything, he's dressed for bed, in fuzzy, deer-print pyjamas. Someone crosses behind him in the mirror. Another familiar face, though the name escapes Kai for the moment. This one evokes memories of frozen diamonds, hard and cold, but a smile warm enough to melt them all.
"That's Minseok," Lu Han says. "My roommate. I told you before that we lived together. Me, Minseok, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Zitao. What I didn't tell you was where."
The scene changes. There's a bookshop, with a familiar face working the counter - Baekhyun, the one Kris had called outside. He's smiling at the two girls he's serving, not destroying the world with blinding white light. The shop's filled with strangers, filled with cases of books and sunlight through the windows. It's a million miles away from the maze.
"In my world, Minseok and I run a bookshop," Lu Han explains. "The city we live in is similar to Junon, if that helps. Do you remember Junon? You lived there for a while, after you met me."
Kai knows the name. Water and giant canons and a Dark Dragon on the roof of City Hall. "By the sea?"
"That's right." Lu Han's praise is warm, not quite patronising. "Junon's on the coast. We're not there now, though. You're staying in Midgar at the moment."
Midgar, which Kai can only find in scraps of bad memories. The name covers his arms in gooseflesh, a reflection of the chill creeping through his body with the harsh, bitter wind of remembrance.
"I found you in Midgar." Lu Han's voice, steady and soothing, is a comforting wall between Kai and his past; Kai wants to lean on it and accept the support offered - but he can't. "And you found me. I couldn't tell you much at first because I thought it would be too confusing for you."
"And this is supposed to be better?" Kai snaps. "Like I'm not confused now? Who are you to make that choice for me?"
"Just someone who cares."
The bookshop fades out, replaced by a still image of a pack of wolves. There's a special name for them, but Kai's lost it in the fog.
"Kalm Fangs," Lu Han says. "The first monsters I ever killed. I wasn't even fifteen yet, the first time I found myself in your world. I thought I was going to die. We don't have them where I'm from. No monsters and no magic - that's the difference between our worlds."
Kai tries to picture a teenaged Lu Han, scared and alone, unarmed and armourless, forced to fight for his life in a strange new world. It's an oddly endearing thought, one that crosses the divide between them, brings Lu Han down to Kai's level and puts them on a more even footing. Lu Han's shorter and slighter, though clearly athletic, and Kai wonders how much of the muscle adding curves to his sleeves is due to fights. Are they alike, in that way? Becoming stronger to protect themselves?
"But you survived."
Lu Han nods. "I think I have a purpose, when I'm in your world, and that guides me in what I do. But it doesn't give me all the answers."
The Kalm Fangs swirl away, leaving the walls behind. As Kai watches, the wall directly in front of him shrinks to half its height. He still can't see over, but it's a start.
"Let me show you something else," Lu Han says. "You might recognise this next one."
Kai does, because it's himself, seen through Lu Han's eyes. He watches himself being held, being embraced with infinite tenderness, arms settling slowly around his body while he laughs, while he...loves? He's looking at Lu Han with trust in his eyes. Kai didn't even think he was capable of that, not anymore. Trust is for people who've never been hurt.
"You used to look at me like that," Lu Han says quietly. "It's been a little while."
"I can't believe I'd look at anyone like that," Kai says. What Lu Han's showing him has to be a lie. "I don't trust people enough. It's too dangerous."
Beneath his trousers, his thighs are burning; each individual stripe torn into his skin has its own frequency of pain and he feels them all at once. He remembers them being healed by a customer, before he ever met Lu Han. How he came by them in the first place is a memory he'd rather sacrifice to the fog. Physical scars may heal, but phantom pain is never far away.
"Everything we do carries a risk - it's up to you whether or not you think the risk is worth it. Personally," Lu Han breaks into a grin, "I think it is. I can't remember how we met, or how long we've been together. My dreams haven't shown me that much. But it doesn't matter to me, because I've seen enough to know we've walked this path together before. That gives me hope we can make it work again. You remember hope? It's that thing you don't always allow yourself to have."
For Kai, 'hope' falls into the same category as 'trust'. If he wants something, he knows he has to work to achieve it himself. He can't rely on anyone else to help. Empty hopes are as disappointing as misplaced trust, and when it comes right down to it he's unwilling to put himself through that again. He'll walk alone as he searches for himself. It's safer that way.
"You're not alone." Lu Han plucks his thought from the air, a half-formed image falling in fragments, multicoloured snowflakes that make up a torn picture. "You don't have to be. Not anymore. You will always have me, I promise you. You've got friends out there who are looking after you too. There are even more you haven't met yet, ones I haven't met either. We'll find them together."
"How can you be so sure?" Kai asks bitterly. Part of him would like very much to believe Lu Han isn't the enemy, because it's hard to reconcile the image of them cuddling with someone wanting to stab him in the back.
Then again, it wouldn't be the first time.
"I could say that it's because we've found others, and I think that with that as a precedent it's likely we'll find more. I could say that it's because it's our destiny or something, and we can't escape it. But," Lu Han says, "it's really much simpler than that. It's because I found you."
Kai doesn't usually have the luxury of indulging in such shameless sap. Lu Han appears amused by his own words, too. What Kai remembers of their connection involves more in the way of actions than soppy declarations about their feelings, whatever they might've been. Feelings don't have much to do with business transactions, Kai trading the only currency he has for what he needs.
But that's not what he has with Lu Han, is it? He wishes he had the full picture. His thoughts fall around them like rain; millions of tiny drops splashing him with memories.
There's a puddle starting to form at his feet. He crouches down to look at the picture shimmering on the surface. It's himself in the mirror, warming up at the barre, his teacher casting a shadow behind him. He stomps in the puddle the moment he recognises the memory. Childish of him, perhaps, but he doesn't want to look. He hopes Lu Han didn't notice.
"Nice tights," Lu Han says, proving that Kai should never, ever, hope for anything because he clearly won't get it. "Was that when you were still learning ballet?"
"Yeah." Kai swallows thickly, trying to rid himself of the emotions threatening to clog his throat. Old memories, bad memories. He's over them. "Yeah, that was a long time ago."
"I thought you loved dancing? You don't sound like it."
Kai does love dancing. What he doesn't love is what he's had to do in order to learn, and what it's done to him. Lu Han's heard about some of it. He doesn't need to know the rest.
"Show me?" Lu Han's getting impatient. "If you're thinking about it now, it's obviously relevant."
"It doesn't matter," Kai says. "I told you, it was a long time ago."
"You're looking for your past. Don't you think it's about time you started opening your eyes to it?"
"I'm looking for the stuff I don't remember, not the stuff I don't want to remember."
"Keep your eyes closed and you won't see anything at all."
Maybe that would be better, Kai thinks. Live his life solely in the here and now, forget that there's something nagging at the edge of his consciousness. But letting go of his experiences would make him someone else, and he's not sure he's willing to throw himself away completely.
He bites down on his lower lip, not trusting his mouth to expel words in his favour. It doesn't normally.
With a sigh, Lu Han leans down to capture Kai's hand between his own bound ones, the cuffs forcing his fingers into a fumbling, clumsy grasp - nothing like the grace and surety Kai remembers from the battlefield. Lu Han's not this awkward. Lu Han's forever moving forward, fearless.
Only now...he seems hesitant. "I'll show you my worst memory if you show me yours. Sound fair?"
"Why?"
"Because you need to trust someone and I figure maybe if I trust you with myself, you'll reciprocate?"
Kai keeps silent. The thick grey fog blanketing his mind is slowly thinning out; the clarity it leaves behind is less than welcome. He's still confused, but now the indecision is his own. He's still hazy on the details. What he does remember, only too clearly, is that Lu Han's origins are too much of a mystery to him. There's too much he doesn't know, and that's no way to keep himself safe.
In the end, he realises there's no choice, not really. Neither of them should be here, but they're not going anywhere with these walls still standing tall and no clear path in sight. Something has to give.
"Okay," he says slowly. "Show me."
Lu Han's fingers tighten around his; Kai can't help but squeeze back.
Grey walls fading out would be a welcome change of scenery, were it not for their replacement. Kai knows this place. He never wants to see it again.
Gaudy yellow and black décor is the norm at Midgar's Honey Bee Inn, where good taste is something reserved for a better class of establishment and dressing like a flying insect is not only a fashion statement, it's the rule. But only for the Bees, of course - the pretty young things who spend their shifts servicing the customers, indulging their every desire provided they can pay.
Kai's three months of working there had been for one reason only: to find himself a Lu Han. It certainly hadn't been for love of the job. He's done better, he's done worse. Work is work, and that particular job had been a necessary evil, something that's now over and done with, a piece of his past mostly filled with boredom and despondency, with a little humiliation thrown in. He'd chosen it himself; he couldn't complain. He's a big boy. He's not afraid to make his bed and lie in it - or rather, lie in one of the Inn's beds, which rarely stayed made for long.
It's not the sort of place Kai would ever visit on his own account and at the time, having never felt any sort of interest in the proceedings, he'd wondered what it was like for the customers, who presumably wanted things. He'd never expected to find out, but he's looking through a customer's eyes now.
Lu Han's eyes.
It jolts him to realise it's not just a flat, two dimensional image he's watching - if he listens closely, he can hear the chatter of people behind him, and the bland, pseudo-romantic music piped through the Inn's speakers. Not only that, but he's picking up on Lu Han's feelings, too: not so much individual thoughts as general impressions, but it's clear Lu Han's not concentrating properly. His mind's wandering, so Kai lets his wander with it.
Impatient. Bored. Curious. Anyone new today?
"I thought about showing you...well, I thought of a lot of things I could show you." Lu Han's voice provides the soundtrack. "But this was simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst moments of my life."
Kai's pretty sure that's cheating. Nevertheless, he's curious about why that should be the case. He watches the view change, as the Lu Han in the memory skims through the selection on offer. Pretty boys, pretty girls, pretty young things whose appearance gives nothing away about what might await a customer beneath their tiny yellow shorts. Lu Han's meanderings begin to form cohesive thoughts in Kai's mind.
She's not bad but it seems she's booked solid today. Nice hair; I wonder where he gets it done? Hmm, this one looks like he's just a kid - not going there!
"My master at the time collected materia but never used it himself," Lu Han says. "You must've seen his collection, in that vest he always wore. So he never called any of us out - annoying, because it meant we couldn't look for any of you."
"He had other Summons," Kai recalls.
"Yeah, and it didn't make any difference to the others. But I don't have to be summoned, so when I knew he wouldn't miss me, I sneaked out." Lu Han grins, a sparkle of mischief that suits him better than halting patience. "I couldn't go that far from my orb, but it still gave me a chance to look around, and the Honey Bee Inn was close, you know? And it was...kind of difficult to hook up with anyone, between the bookshop and everything else. Our worlds use the same money; I'd always bring some gil across with me so I could afford the fees."
Lu Han's speaking far too casually of his brothel-going habits for Kai to take it seriously as a bad time in his life. "Sounds like a real hardship."
"Keep watching."
The view shifts away from the front desk, deeper into the foyer, where a male Bee is coming out to greet his next customer. Kai sees himself again, wearing those terrible, skimpy, yellow and black clothes with the translucent wings attached. Not his best look. He recognises his own fake smile, the one that kept the customers and his bosses satisfied, that didn't involve any actual joy on his part. He knows how bright his eyes can be when he's truly happy, and he knows that the eyes in Lu Han's memory are nothing but a poor reflection.
Isn't that... It might be. What's he doing here?
"This is the first time I saw you in person, in your world," Lu Han says. "I'd been seeing your face in my dreams for years and I knew, after a while, that we'd known each other before. Intimately."
"That's not fair," Kai says, frustrated. "I didn't know anything about you before we met, except about your skills as a Summon. I'm not having any useful dreams."
"I think you will, in time. Don't worry about it; you can't force yourself."
But that appears to be exactly what Kai's doing, at the Inn - feigning compliance, pretending his customer strikes some sort of magical chord within him that'll have him panting and eager before too long. There's nothing wrong with his equipment. Provide enough physical stimulation and he can get through it just fine. However, there's a giant chasm between wanting and doing, and Kai had never successfully bridged it.
Not until Lu Han.
"I get why this counts as one of the best moments." Kai's trying not to snap. "So you saw me. Great. What's so tragic about it?"
He gets his answer in Lu Han's thoughts, which fly past him in a frantic, babbling stream.
it's really him - he's with someone - can i talk to him - what's his name - the picture on the wall says kai - who's kai - i don't know him - he doesn't know me - none of the others knew me - how long have i got - it's not long enough - what should i do - i want to see him - i have to see him - i need to be here but i can't be here - i have to follow him - what if he won't talk to me - what if he hates me - he can't hate me he doesn't know me - he's so beautiful but he doesn't look happy - can i make him happy - why am i tied to this stupid orb - why can't i be free to go with him - master across the street - orb too far away - can't carry it - why do i belong to someone else - want to take him away from here but he has to take me away - stupid materia
Lu Han's fingers stroke his wrist, heavy enough not to tickle. "Follow my memories, and you'll know."
"If I'd just looked across the foyer..." Kai muses.
"You wouldn't have recognised me," Lu Han says gently. "Not unless you'd known what I looked like, seen me summoned by someone else; and if you had, we'd have found each other already."
Kai sees himself leading his customer away as the image dissolves into drops. Raindrops, teardrops. His eyes sting when he tries to put himself in Lu Han's place, watching his chance disappear into one of the pleasure rooms, perhaps forever.
master has to come here with materia - must persuade him to come - must tell him kai's his type - he likes beautiful things - kai's beautiful - kai's mine - but who's kai - name doesn't matter - it's him - it's always him
"It took some time for me to persuade my master he needed to get laid. I..." Lu Han has the decency to look faintly ashamed of himself. "I recommended you. Told him you'd fit right in with his collection of beautiful things. I thought I could come out and talk to you while he was in the shower or something, get you to steal the orb from him. Turns out I didn't have to."
"Risky plan."
"Risky plan," Lu Han agrees. "I didn't know if you'd even want to hear anything I said. But I had to try it. There are things I have to do - things we have to do - and I would've given up on the whole lot just to be with you again. To hear you laugh, to see you smile at me when I walk in the room. I only have flashes of things from before and I wanted us to fill in the gaps together."
i can do this - i can bring us together - but what if he finds out i did it - should i tell him - what if it scares him away - what if he thinks i'll manipulate him too - what if he thinks i'm a bad person - what if he runs away - what if he leaves me behind - how do i find him again - what if i never find him again - i don't want to lose him - what if i do the wrong thing - i'm so scared i'll drive him away
Hearing the thoughts accompanying the image, Kai finally understands. It's not this memory that Lu Han wants him to see. It's the emotions that accompany it, the things they don't say to each other - the risk and the reward, the promise of finding each other and the pain if it all goes wrong. Kai's not used to Lu Han being uncertain, worried about whether or not he's doing the right thing. He's never shared those fears before. Sharing them now makes it easier for Kai to remember Lu Han's human too - one with unusual abilities, in this world, but just like him, for all that. Not an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful god. Lu Han's vulnerable too.
There's a crack from behind them - a wall splitting in half. Between the lurching grey towers of stone, a clear path emerges. Kai doesn't know if it'll take them out, or further into his mind, but he boldly steps forward onto it anyway. He doesn't let go of Lu Han's hand.
"You're remembering," Lu Han comments as they walk, close together because of the cuffs and their interlinked fingers, through the storm of memory droplets. "From before the Malboro attacked you. Look, the pieces are fitting back together."
He points with his chin at a waterfall taking shape over on the left. It's not water falling in a constant stream but images, now free from the grey haze. Lu Han carrying an injured Kai over the edge of a roof despite his fear of heights. A purple-black collar, even now a comfortable presence around Kai's neck. The chocobo stable where they'd first met, Kai worried that he'd just called up a Summon to wipe out all the chocobos, Lu Han a vision in armour, desperately trying to pierce Kai's exhaustion and terror to tell him he was safe.
No one can ever be truly safe - Kai knows that now. But it's okay to believe the lie for a little while.
He knows what's waiting for him at the end of the path. It won't be pretty; nevertheless, Lu Han deserves to see it. It's part of Kai, after all.
The waterfall feeds memories into the darkness until they're surrounded by walls of images, pieces of the past, and the blackness is no more. There's one last thing to see, at the very end of the path.
"I have...things I don't want to remember," Kai says, awkward because he's not sure how to explain himself.
"So I noticed," Lu Han says drily. "Take your time."
He does, letting the memories surface and begin to take shape before them. One from earlier reappears: a ballet lesson, Kai with the shadow of his teacher behind him. Lu Han needs to see it all, not just through Kai's eyes, so Kai fills in the rest of the picture for him.
"My second ballet teacher." The picture expands to show a man's silhouette, all long limbs and graceful motions as he teaches an adoring class. "I was younger then. Naive. It wasn't the first time I'd traded sex for something I wanted; I knew - I thought I knew - what I was getting into."
The other students disappear, leaving Kai dancing with a silhouette. A 'private lesson'. His teacher catches him around the waist, drawing him close. This is no traditional pas de deux; both cease to dance, merely swaying to the music, moving softly in place as their lips meet. The scene darkens.
"It was simple." Kai struggles to keep his voice even. "We had an arrangement. We both knew it wasn't anything personal, but we were...friends, of a sort. I liked him, looked up to him. I trusted him."
Lu Han says nothing, merely gives his fingers a comforting squeeze. This is all in the past, Kai has to tell himself. It doesn't have to wreck the rest of his life. Not anymore.
The new scene takes place not in a studio but in a bedroom, with Kai on his knees before a shadow. Lack of finer detail in no way disguises what's taking place between them: Kai's mouth stretched wide, head bobbing, one hand on his teacher's knee for balance, his teacher's hand stroking his hair. This is by no means new to him, but it's before the novelty's fully worn off - his eyes are still interested, full of life, curious about exploring the sensations. It doesn't take long before the shadow streaks Kai's cheeks with dark, sticky smears, normal colours inverted by whatever part of Kai's mind is working overtime to keep everything about his ballet teacher from Lu Han. Neither face nor name are important. It's the lesson that matters.
The teacher draws him up to the bed to gently wipe away the residue, licking himself from Kai's lips and swallowing down the giggles Kai's still unguarded enough to let slip. There's no love here, but there's sufficient liking for Kai to enjoy himself. He doesn't send his mind away to safety. There's no need. This is as safe as it gets, in the slums, and his teacher's not so much older than him that this feels creepy. He's happy with the arrangement, and learning a lot - in the studio, in the bedroom, and in the scrapyard out back where they spar, sometimes. Kai's teacher tells him he's too young and pretty to walk around Sector 7 unprotected, and insists on finishing what his first ballet teacher started with his combat training.
Kai lies down on the bed, face to the ceiling. He's still dressed from his lesson, sweating from more than just his class, hair mussed and strands sticking to his forehead. Peeling his tights from his legs is the work of seconds.
That's when Lu Han interrupts. "I think you need to see this, but I'm not so sure I do, if you'd rather I didn't watch."
Kai shakes his head. This must be the first time Lu Han's actually tried to spare him from embarrassment. "I know what it looks like, but it's not what you think. You can watch."
He almost regrets his decision when his memory self begins writhing happily under his teacher's kind, steady hands, acquiring experience which had served him well, a little later in life, if not as well as the lesson that comes next. He knows how this ends. Badly. Very badly.
"He's toying with you, isn't he?" Lu Han says, quietly. "You're not on that bed for sex."
"I didn't know that then." Kai sighs, heavy with regret. Anticipation has him weakening at the knees; Lu Han's firm grip on his hand helps to steady him but it's not nearly enough. "I thought it was the same as usual. I never left there feeling like I'd been paying him for anything because we both enjoyed it. He had rough hands, but they were always gentle on me."
It's painful watching himself so open, so trusting. So foolish. He's even got his eyes closed.
That's why he doesn't see the mythril claw until it's dripping with his blood.
Beside him, Lu Han flinches. "Your legs..."
Kai freezes the image. They've seen enough. He's lying there stunned on the bed, bleeding from multiple gashes in both thighs, where his teacher's swiped him with a mythril claw. The pain, he remembers, was secondary to the bewilderment. Pain was an old, familiar friend. Betrayal was not.
The claw dangles from his teacher's hand; blood drops hang suspended in mid-air. Thighs burning from phantom wounds, Kai repeats the last words his teacher ever said to him: "It's for your own good; you have to understand that. Don't be so trusting, especially in a deal where you've got the most to lose by it. You want to survive, don't you? You want to live? Then remember this every time you even think about putting your life in someone else's hands."
Harsh words stick in his throat; there's a bitter ache in his lungs as they refuse to allow him air for such a purpose, but he has to finish. "That was his final lesson for me, and I learned it very well."
"You shouldn't have had to learn it at all."
Lu Han tugs his hands free, raising them to Kai's face. Kai doesn't even realise he's crying until Lu Han's fingers wipe away the slow trickle of tears, smearing moisture across his skin. The angle's awkward with the bonds still in place; Kai thinks about it for a moment and the mythril cuffs vanish. The frozen image - bloody wounds, dripping on bedsheets, face twisted with pain and anguish - also disappears.
Kai's taking great gulps of air, trying to ease the tightness in his chest, but that doesn't stop him walking straight into Lu Han's open arms and clinging for all he's worth. He's no romance novel heroine; he's too tall to bury his face in Lu Han's shirt and let the fabric soak up his tears. He has to settle for dripping and snuffling most unattractively, but it's okay because Lu Han's seen him far worse than this, and it hasn't scared him off.
"It takes more than a few tears to scare me off," Lu Han says, rubbing Kai's back soothingly. "You haven't met Zitao yet. He gets a little emotional sometimes."
"You're skimming my thoughts again."
"I'm standing in the middle of your thoughts," Lu Han points out. "They're mine for the skimming."
Kai holds him tight, unwilling to let go even to give himself space to laugh. It's a quasi-hysterical giggle that emerges, still breathless, thick with emotion. The effects of the Malboro's attack have worn off, Confusion disarmed by Lu Han - not neatly, but with care. That doesn't make Kai any less confused. He trusts Lu Han. He knows he shouldn't trust Lu Han. He knows he shouldn't trust anyone. He'll always be waiting for that stab in the back; or rather, the claws across his thighs.
But that's from one man. Kai's not selling himself to Lu Han. He's got nothing to lose by trusting him, and everything to gain. He's trusted Lu Han with his life so many times now. Trusted him with his body. He's trying to trust him with his heart, too. That's the part that comes hardest. He knows Lu Han's keeping things from him, and that there are things he doesn't know or can't do. Even so...it's better to believe in him, because the alternative is unthinkable.
"I know it's not easy for you." Lu Han's fingers smooth Kai's bangs away from his face. "It's not easy for me, either. I want to be with you all the time, and it's not the same, even knowing I can still talk to you. But I still think it's worth trying. How about you?"
Kai pulls back enough to flash him a watery smile. He's got much better in his arsenal but they'll have to wait until he's no longer blinking moisture from his lashes. Thinking of Lu Han as a regular guy who owns a bookshop and plays football with his roommates and just so happens to cross between worlds to fight monsters is...well, it's weird. There's so much more he wants to know, and he's not sure he'll ever receive any answers.
But those are things about other people, or the different worlds, or about how this whole Summoning business works in general. They can wait. He's learned something important today, and if this is the closest he can come to looking inside Lu Han's heart, it's good enough.
There is something else he'd like to know, though. "How do we get out of here?"
"You might not want to regain consciousness just yet," Lu Han says. "But this is your head. You can wake yourself up."
Kai does, because he thinks Kris and Lay will probably be worried about him - and also, he figures he should apologise for trying to kill them. Lay will probably take it in his stride; Kris, he's not so sure about.
They've already taken their revenge, as it turns out. Kai wakes up to find it's still pouring with rain, and he's tied to his chocobo's back for the ride home.