I Never Felt So Close; I Never Felt So All Alone
You've put me between a rock and a hard place, and I'm starting to panic.
A wild animal can't be blamed for its actions while in a state of extreme distress.
Also, I am really, really, really starting to miss D, even though I know that this was the right thing to do for everyone. I guess he just made me happy, and that's a pretty hard accomplishment nowadays. Since that whole thing ended, I haven't smiled much. I know that correlation does not equal causation, but I can't keep myself from thinking.
I've stopped having a shitload of breakdowns, eating my feelings, letting my confusion manifest itself in physical illness and spending hours praying to the porcelain gods... but now I just sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep... and it's good, I guess, because it's healthier... but who wants to be knocked out cold so they don't have to deal with reality? The only difference between this and how my parents dealt is that at least my solution doesn't include white powder and the dissolution of others' lives.
And when I wake up, everything still goes right back to the way that it was before.
I miss Kevin in the middle of summer, before I let my frustration build up and seeing him without having resolved anything just made me cry. I miss Andy, more than I think I could ever admit over the phone, and the fact that we both always had one another to help make the terrible times decently alright... even if we were too busy fighting to realize it. I miss his car, especially now that all of those memories belong to someone else. I mean that in more ways than one. I miss how Hakim, Alyssa, and Saade all used to actually give a shit about people, and me. I miss Anna Nalick, Voxtrot, Manchester Orchestra, and Ron... and Spoto. I miss Seeta and the way we were my Freshman year, when I had hope that our friendship could last forever. I miss having hope that anything could last forever.
I miss believing in love.
I don't care about anything at all anymore. I don't care about debate, I don't care about college, I don't care about people, I don't care about myself.
I feel like I'm walking on shards of glass. I feel like I'm crying. I feel like I'm screaming...
I want out, I want out, I want out.
A wild animal can't be blamed for its actions while in a state of extreme distress.
Also, I am really, really, really starting to miss D, even though I know that this was the right thing to do for everyone. I guess he just made me happy, and that's a pretty hard accomplishment nowadays. Since that whole thing ended, I haven't smiled much. I know that correlation does not equal causation, but I can't keep myself from thinking.
I've stopped having a shitload of breakdowns, eating my feelings, letting my confusion manifest itself in physical illness and spending hours praying to the porcelain gods... but now I just sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep... and it's good, I guess, because it's healthier... but who wants to be knocked out cold so they don't have to deal with reality? The only difference between this and how my parents dealt is that at least my solution doesn't include white powder and the dissolution of others' lives.
And when I wake up, everything still goes right back to the way that it was before.
I miss Kevin in the middle of summer, before I let my frustration build up and seeing him without having resolved anything just made me cry. I miss Andy, more than I think I could ever admit over the phone, and the fact that we both always had one another to help make the terrible times decently alright... even if we were too busy fighting to realize it. I miss his car, especially now that all of those memories belong to someone else. I mean that in more ways than one. I miss how Hakim, Alyssa, and Saade all used to actually give a shit about people, and me. I miss Anna Nalick, Voxtrot, Manchester Orchestra, and Ron... and Spoto. I miss Seeta and the way we were my Freshman year, when I had hope that our friendship could last forever. I miss having hope that anything could last forever.
I miss believing in love.
I don't care about anything at all anymore. I don't care about debate, I don't care about college, I don't care about people, I don't care about myself.
I feel like I'm walking on shards of glass. I feel like I'm crying. I feel like I'm screaming...
I want out, I want out, I want out.