Department of Social Safety
I am delighted that the Blair government has at last made it clear that smoking tobacco will be a criminal offence. Isn't it about time, too. And smokers are such nasty people, aren't they? Of course they are. The smoking of marijuana or herbal cigarettes will, of course, and quite rightly too, remain perfectly legal.
These are exciting times. I've communicated with our government in these months leading to the decision, the most significant initiative in health in 30 years, I believe one of our Prime Minister's acolytes was quoted as saying today, about how we can now proceed.
As many of you would be aware there exists amongst us certain people, 2% of our population in fact, who say they don't own a television receiver, something clearly in breach of the TV Licencing Act of 1949, and something clearly untrue, as everyone owns a television; in fact some households own more than one, but we only tax them for the one television, at the moment. And a number of those of that 2% are not cooperating with us by telling our friendly licencing authority, only here to help us all, who they are and where they've hidden the television. And they quote the Act at us to deny us our right to ad-hoc searches without coming up with a search warrant, of all things. Well, this has to stop. And it will. No more of this being a nice person. A criminal is a criminal, whether a tobacconist or a two-percenter.
I'm also aware that certain of our citizens are claiming that they live alone, in their hovels no doubt, huddled pathetically in front of their one-bar radiators and analogue televisions, and claiming a 25% rebate on their Poll tax because of this status of theirs as sad lonely gits. However, we are in the process of developing a new initiative that will calculate the number of people found to be visiting these premises and the duration of these visits, taking into account overnight stays, and the degree of physical intimacy involved, in order to challenge these ridiculous claims of single habitation. We will very soon make it clear to all, in well under 90 pages, at what point in physical intimacies, habitation becomes co-habitation. Of course, crack houses and marijuana shops will be exempt.
Our populace, most of whom are law-abiding citizens, have unanimously accepted our safety initiatives with joy in their hearts. Those who may have doubts are class enemies and racists as we know. Because of our network of CCTVs strategically placed across the land, this green and pleasant land, we can now see when and where crime of all kinds is being committed. The CCTV is our friend. A CCTV in every house will make us all feel safer and now, as well, make our lives far less expensive and much more fair.
And no-one need be a sad git anymore, because you'll always have company.
The CCTV will catch all television licence criminals, the tobacco smokers and the poll tax cheats. It will be the next most exciting initiative of this government in the last 30 years. And it's potential future benefits are just, well, infinite.
Together with our compulsory psychometric, barometric, dialectic ID cards that for additional charges will be used as a mobile phone (for approved calls only, sorry), a digital you-beaut camera, scanner, voice recorder (no, not for you, sorry) and personal computer all with free downloads of our latest safety initiatives.
What a day for England. I'm excited.
These are exciting times. I've communicated with our government in these months leading to the decision, the most significant initiative in health in 30 years, I believe one of our Prime Minister's acolytes was quoted as saying today, about how we can now proceed.
As many of you would be aware there exists amongst us certain people, 2% of our population in fact, who say they don't own a television receiver, something clearly in breach of the TV Licencing Act of 1949, and something clearly untrue, as everyone owns a television; in fact some households own more than one, but we only tax them for the one television, at the moment. And a number of those of that 2% are not cooperating with us by telling our friendly licencing authority, only here to help us all, who they are and where they've hidden the television. And they quote the Act at us to deny us our right to ad-hoc searches without coming up with a search warrant, of all things. Well, this has to stop. And it will. No more of this being a nice person. A criminal is a criminal, whether a tobacconist or a two-percenter.
I'm also aware that certain of our citizens are claiming that they live alone, in their hovels no doubt, huddled pathetically in front of their one-bar radiators and analogue televisions, and claiming a 25% rebate on their Poll tax because of this status of theirs as sad lonely gits. However, we are in the process of developing a new initiative that will calculate the number of people found to be visiting these premises and the duration of these visits, taking into account overnight stays, and the degree of physical intimacy involved, in order to challenge these ridiculous claims of single habitation. We will very soon make it clear to all, in well under 90 pages, at what point in physical intimacies, habitation becomes co-habitation. Of course, crack houses and marijuana shops will be exempt.
Our populace, most of whom are law-abiding citizens, have unanimously accepted our safety initiatives with joy in their hearts. Those who may have doubts are class enemies and racists as we know. Because of our network of CCTVs strategically placed across the land, this green and pleasant land, we can now see when and where crime of all kinds is being committed. The CCTV is our friend. A CCTV in every house will make us all feel safer and now, as well, make our lives far less expensive and much more fair.
And no-one need be a sad git anymore, because you'll always have company.
The CCTV will catch all television licence criminals, the tobacco smokers and the poll tax cheats. It will be the next most exciting initiative of this government in the last 30 years. And it's potential future benefits are just, well, infinite.
Together with our compulsory psychometric, barometric, dialectic ID cards that for additional charges will be used as a mobile phone (for approved calls only, sorry), a digital you-beaut camera, scanner, voice recorder (no, not for you, sorry) and personal computer all with free downloads of our latest safety initiatives.
What a day for England. I'm excited.