And I know that you'll leave just the same...
I dont know how many times I've sat looking at the blank journal page, attempting to write something, but have been lacking the energy to waste, and found myself curled back up in bed in the past week.
I admit, I am in dire need of an escape. But it seems the only escape that I really truly need is one from myself. From the dark hauntings of my memories and mind. The mental slideshow that plagues me at night when I try to sleep is overbearing at times, and depressing at best. Sometimes I wonder why certain events call certain memories. The night of the 3rd to the 4th, memories of my last 4th of July resurfaced in my dreams, although slightly skewed. This time, instead of me standing, crying alone watching the fireworks over pensacola bay, Marc walked up to me and wanted to talk about he and Kelly. In the dream he told me that he still loved me, and he always did, but that he couldn't help that he loved her more. He put his arms around me and told me he still thinks of me and he hopes I am okay. It was then that the tears came flooding as the thought of there ever having been truth in the lie he built for me was too much for me to bear. Then he kissed my cheek and went back to her, like he always did.
It seems I'm just a temporary stop on the way for others to find their happiness, as Marc wasnt the only person who seems to have found happiness immediately after their temporary layover with me. Maybe I am a terminal of self discovery, but I seem to be the only person unable to catch the next flight out. So I sit stagnant, hoping to find what I need in myself to be happy enough to catch that next flight. I sit here staring down my personal demons, unwilling to give into them, hoping that all the fighting I do with them will be proof enough that I'm worthy of someones love.
The dreams after marc were of Bryan, like my subconscious is berating me on the two biggest losses I've experienced in my recent past. Though neither were exactly my fault, I still contemplate if there was something I could have done to change the outcomes. Apparently they're both happy now in their choices and lives, happier than I made either of them from what I can gather. And although it hurts more than I ever thought it would, I am happy for them, glad that they've found happiness, even if its not with me. I won't lie and say it doesnt hurt, because it breaks my heart every day to know that these people I care so much for have found someone they care for like I did them, and that its not me, but on some level, even though most of the hope i've felt is depleted, it does give me hope that someday all the love i've had for others will one day find its way back to me.
Again, last night, I watched the fireworks with tears in my eyes, once more it was a lonely holiday. All I could think of is how much I wish I were at home and how I wonder if the choices I've made in my life were the right ones. I had the opportunity to go to USF, UF, FIU, UCF and FSU, and I picked the one place so utterly far away that I could hardly ever visit family and friends. I have amazing friends here, and my adopted family and this is a support system i've built for myself. I've had great opportunities and experiences, but sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I took a different path. I suppose we all question our choices at some point or another, but I must wonder where I would be had I chosen a different path.
I just want to make an escape, but I dont know how I can run from myself.
I do, however, know how important it is to guard your heart. I never should have fallen for Bryan, not with the circumstances, but I let myself jump, right off the cliff, and found nothing but hard ground beneath me. It was a blissful fall, but I'm not jumping again unless I know theres someone there to catch me this time.
the saddest part of a broken heart isnt the ending as much as the start,
jess
I admit, I am in dire need of an escape. But it seems the only escape that I really truly need is one from myself. From the dark hauntings of my memories and mind. The mental slideshow that plagues me at night when I try to sleep is overbearing at times, and depressing at best. Sometimes I wonder why certain events call certain memories. The night of the 3rd to the 4th, memories of my last 4th of July resurfaced in my dreams, although slightly skewed. This time, instead of me standing, crying alone watching the fireworks over pensacola bay, Marc walked up to me and wanted to talk about he and Kelly. In the dream he told me that he still loved me, and he always did, but that he couldn't help that he loved her more. He put his arms around me and told me he still thinks of me and he hopes I am okay. It was then that the tears came flooding as the thought of there ever having been truth in the lie he built for me was too much for me to bear. Then he kissed my cheek and went back to her, like he always did.
It seems I'm just a temporary stop on the way for others to find their happiness, as Marc wasnt the only person who seems to have found happiness immediately after their temporary layover with me. Maybe I am a terminal of self discovery, but I seem to be the only person unable to catch the next flight out. So I sit stagnant, hoping to find what I need in myself to be happy enough to catch that next flight. I sit here staring down my personal demons, unwilling to give into them, hoping that all the fighting I do with them will be proof enough that I'm worthy of someones love.
The dreams after marc were of Bryan, like my subconscious is berating me on the two biggest losses I've experienced in my recent past. Though neither were exactly my fault, I still contemplate if there was something I could have done to change the outcomes. Apparently they're both happy now in their choices and lives, happier than I made either of them from what I can gather. And although it hurts more than I ever thought it would, I am happy for them, glad that they've found happiness, even if its not with me. I won't lie and say it doesnt hurt, because it breaks my heart every day to know that these people I care so much for have found someone they care for like I did them, and that its not me, but on some level, even though most of the hope i've felt is depleted, it does give me hope that someday all the love i've had for others will one day find its way back to me.
Again, last night, I watched the fireworks with tears in my eyes, once more it was a lonely holiday. All I could think of is how much I wish I were at home and how I wonder if the choices I've made in my life were the right ones. I had the opportunity to go to USF, UF, FIU, UCF and FSU, and I picked the one place so utterly far away that I could hardly ever visit family and friends. I have amazing friends here, and my adopted family and this is a support system i've built for myself. I've had great opportunities and experiences, but sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I took a different path. I suppose we all question our choices at some point or another, but I must wonder where I would be had I chosen a different path.
I just want to make an escape, but I dont know how I can run from myself.
I do, however, know how important it is to guard your heart. I never should have fallen for Bryan, not with the circumstances, but I let myself jump, right off the cliff, and found nothing but hard ground beneath me. It was a blissful fall, but I'm not jumping again unless I know theres someone there to catch me this time.
the saddest part of a broken heart isnt the ending as much as the start,
jess